So throw him out... if his name isn't on the lease then he has no legal right to live there... Find a woman friend to move in and share the expenses. If you are month to month on a lease and his name IS on iot you just tell the leasing company no less than 30 days in advance you are vacating the unit and want your name off any contract if he wishes to remain there. Same with any utilities.

If the kids are his get a child support judgement.

But as long as you allow the situation to continue then the blame will remain yours for allowing it.

Why try to rationalize his behaviour... tell him its your car you want it back, now... not tomorrow... and if he refuses call the police and report that he has your car and won't return it. That's known as unautherized use of a motor vehicle... its not legal.

Lovergirl, he is playing games with you. He is twisting things to make it all your fault... BUT, we are too smart to fall for that. Right? His ego insist that he be superior to you or it would be deflated. With an ego as fragile as his, it must get it's strength anyway it can.

How old are your kids? Is any one old enough to help you when you are sick? What about your girlfriend? I don't think I would ask ANYTHING of him. He did not come home last night for any number of reasons such as..

"I'm drunk and sleepy and don't "feel" like it. " You know we are all about how HE FEELS.

"'ll show her, I'll just not come home at all and let her suffer. Both emotionally and from her being sick. "That is true love, NOT!!

"She'll be there no matter how horrible I treat her because I've beat her down so much, she can't live without me."

I'll stay out all night because... I can"

Personally, I'd LOVE it if he was gone all the time. Isn't the air less heavy when he is not around. When he leaves, the tension leaves. Good riddance.

If he ever hits you, report it to police, every time. The official record of his abuse might come in handy later. Don't go this alone. As far as emotional hurt lasting forever. Well, it does cut pretty deep, but it does not have to last forever. If this were someone that you looked up to and respected, it is easy to understand why that would hurt so much. But consider the source. This is a no good loser of a jerk putting you down. He has no credentials. His words are worthless. He could never build you up, because it might take something away from him. Once again, true love... NOT. It will be uncomfortable getting out from under his thumb but you will come out the other end a winner.

I didn't take the time to read all these posts but I will add my 2 cents.

I think he has a thing for needy women, He wants you only after he hurts you so he can make things better. That is not good. He's just going to continue to hurt you. And the leaving at all times of the night and having no sex drive may be because he is cheating. I'm not sure if you've ever considered that.

Anyway... all his actions should show you he does not love you and does not want to be with you.

My children are 17 11 and 8. I can get help from them if I really need it. I don't however try to tie them down. They like to do things so I feel better knowing they are out having fun than home worrying about me. As for your comment cozyk (still have not learned how to grab a quote here). Your first sentence hit the mark with what just occurred about an hour ago. He totally took my feelings and basically told me he didn't want to talk about it. I was told something today about him that bothered me a bit. Not so much that it ruined my day but it bothered me non the less. So, I figured I would bring it to his attention. He got instantly angry at how I brought it up. Not thinking that I did anything wrong and refused to talk to me about it. He would not let me share my feelings with him. I was hurt with his tone of voice and what words came out of his mouth. Yet I still try with him. He has so many faces and I am always afraid of which one he will show. When it's a happy face, I let down my guard and as soon as I do BAMM!! I don't feel that I should have to have my guards up but in this situation I feel I have to protect myself from his belittling and slander. He is sick of my S***? And even tells me that I need to go find something to do. He hates that I am opinionated and have my own beliefs and values. I think it may scare him to a degree. He is trying to put me in my place. What place is that? Depressed and alone? I am so angry and sad at the same time right now. He left to go do HIS thing. He shows no empathy at all. I have been s*** on for almost everything he wants to do. Not considering any of us in his coming and goings.

So, the question is "what are you going to do about it?" We and you have established that he is no good for you. It's time to take action and quit letting him have power over your feelings. Time to grow a pair. Are you there yet.

By your own words he is an abuser... maybe not physically right now, but what you described is verbal and emotional abuse.

How many years have you been together... in certain states you have a common law marriage after living just 5 years together. If your state would consider it a common law marriage you can get at least some support payments while you get yourself reestablished. But you do need to get away from this man.

It will be 5 years in July that we have lived together. Minnesota no longer recognizes common law. Since 1941. Which is OK. I don't consider myself married to him anyway. I know what it is that I should do in my mind. But my heart keeps leading the way. I am not sure if its out of being used to it. Or if I am seriously codependent upon him. For what I don't know. I guess I am so used to being treated this way that I can't believe that there is another way to be. But I am a smart person and do know that I can break free of this if I really truly am ready to. I feel I am not and I feel that I am. I am stuck in my feelings right now.

He is trying to go away this weekend on a fishing trip. Things are terrible between us and still would rather go then work on things with me. I actually don't mind him leaving this time. I need to sit with my thoughts and feelings and try to sort them out into some sort of sanity. Part of me wants to use that time to pack his things and the other part wants to really figure out how I can learn to communicate with him in a way that protects my feelings and helps me get what I want out of this man. I know its in there in him. He has suppressed so many things I believe and is hiding behind them. I am so confused.

People don't make major personality changes without being recariously close to death and pulling through...

That means if he cleans up his act it will only be for a short while... this is the real him... not what you wish it was.

Now I have done it. I was at my sisters house dropping off one of my daughters. I got home around 7:30pm and went upstairs into my bedroom to find my boyfriend and one of his friends. His friend was zipping up a small coin baggy and putting it in his pocket. I kicked him out of the house. My boyfriend got so angry at me told me he was moving out and that he can't live in a home where he has no control. He left... I went back up to the bedroom and found residue on an envelope. I picked it up to toss it. Crying and hysterical. Instead of tossing it I placed it back where it was and called the police. I really messed up... I was here alone with my friends son. They didn't take me but told me that I may be charged with possession. I asked the police if they actually thought I would be stupid enough to report meth if it was mine? The officer understood what I meant. I said this is not mine I do not do this drug. I have been dealing with this for years. They are aware of it too. They said it would be good to have him call us because its possible that I would get the charge and not him. I told the officer the friends name and that he was upstairs in the apartment above me. His truck was outside so they knocked on the door. No answer, I figured that much. Meth users are cowards. So I am in some trouble and this is actually the straw that told me get the F*** out

I am feeling strong though. I am sure of that. I will be packing his things tomorrw. I told the police that I will have his things out on the front porch. I am sure he is unaware of this and even if he is aware that the police were here I don't care. I had to put a stop to this. I was so hurt that he did drugs in the house like that... and I think what pissed him off more was that he was caught red handed. Selfish SOB

Yippy, you started the ball rolling. That is a mother bear that will not let this meth mess go on in the same house her children live.
Mother bear protecting her cubs trumps everything. Even her own life really. Make sure you don't have anything to do with any of the drug business that has gone on under your roof. If you are charged with possesson, you can get a court appointed atty. You have given the police your statement and it sounds believable to me. I think it would sound believable to a judge too.
I don't believe your boyfriend is going to call them and tell them it was his. Not in a million years, but that was the straw that broke the camels back for you,

I'm glad the police were involved because that has established a "base line" so to speak. Now every time he does anything illegal or abusive, call them again. His string of bad behavior will be your ammunition and your protection. Even if it's something that does not involve the police , keep your own records. They may end up useful later.

I am so proud of this action you have taken. You may feel weakened at times, like it is easier just to let things be what they were but you are showing your children what it looks like to have self respect and command it from the people in your life. Treat me with dignity and respect or get out, Get a job doing something. Fortunately you have older kids that can help you with the younger ones if you need child care.

Come on here for support anytime. He will pitch a fit when he finds his clothes and things put out. Just say, the era of illegal activities under this roof is over. Not to mention the era of you putting up with his crap. With his name on the lease he will say he has every right to stay, and in fact you get out. What you have on him is what will give you power. Any drugs he brings in will give you leverage.

Good luck, good going, and keep us posted.

You did the right thing.

I feel better this morning. Relieved almost. I felt I could breathe easier. When he leaves the pressure lifts. I felt that right away this morning.
He did try to contact me at about 2 am. I was asleep and heard the answering machine going off. What I felt at that time is 'boy you have a lot of nerve calling here'. I held my ground. Things are going to get worse though before they get better. He will start some stuff. Blame, ridicule tell me. He is done with me yet again all a ploy to make me feel bad so that he feels more important. What he hasn't heard is... I am done with him.

So go ahead. Do what you do best. Your words can no longer affect me.
I have heard the lies coming from your mouth. I have seen you take more importance in yourself and the things you do than any other. I have felt the pain of those hurtful words. I have lived a life in your shadows. I have walked on eggshells. I have waited for you. I have trusted you. I have loved you. All so you believe you can treat me this way, all so you think you can squash my inner being and blow out my candle of light and happiness. Well no more. I am my own being with opinions and feelings and I will no longer subject them to your wrath and abuse.

Thank you all so much for your support. I know that I walk away from here with much a much stronger approach and stronger inner light.

Things could get worse before they get better. I am glad you realize that. And after he has tried all his bully tactics, he could very well turn on the charm and try to convince you to give it another chance.

Say to him, If you REALLY want to start over, you will move out, call me up for a REAL date, treat me like a lady, wine me,dine me, and shower me with the attention I deserve. That is a deal breaker, if you can't do that then you don't really want me back, because that is what I require, thank you very much! After that, his "charm approach" will cease.

Keep the fighting spirit. There is no reason you should put up with anyone that can't meet your standards. We are behind you.

He has it in his head that I am out to get him. Torture him. I will be appreciated and I will be respected and I should be adored by a truly loving man

I am actually feeling rather nervous right now. It just overwhelmed me. When and if he finds out about the police its not going to be pretty. This won't stop him from his slanderous abuse about how terrible of a person I am and how I am be** bent on making his life a living he**. I just want peace and sanity for a change. Is that too much to ask

You are aware slander is against the law, if he's saying stuff pubilcally about you by name you can take action... get a court ordered restraining order issued against him if he has threatened you in any way.

He hasn't yet but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering changing my phone number. He has no keys to get into the front door and has broken down the back door too many times that it can't be fixed so I do what I can to barricade it shut. Which still has its quirks and he is able to manipulate his way in.

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

I am actually feeling rather nervous right now. It just overwhelmed me. When and if he finds out about the police its not going to be pretty. This won't stop him from his slanderous abuse about how terrible of a person I am and how I am be** bent on making his life a living he**. I just want peace and sanity for a change. Is that too much to ask

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Tell him you are not out to make his life a living hell. Don't flatter himself . That you aren't willing to put that effort into him any more Say you have put all the effort into him and your relationship with him and have realized you have short changed yourself and your children. You'd love to have him around BUT he is not behaving in a way that you can put up with and even if he can't change, you can. It's a new day.

I know this is easy for me to say 100's of miles away and not having to face him. Plus I don't have any of my heart attached to him. I know this is taking every bit of courage and you are scared. I wish I could make it easier. Is your sister in a good place in her life? Is she supportive of you? Are you getting any child support or anything else from the father of your children? You need support through this process of standing up to this man. I forgot what you said about the lease. Your name, his name, both, how much longer on the lease?
You are doing very well. I'm a little afraid for you about the police thing and when he finds out. Are they going to contact him? What did they say was going to happen? Are they getting back to you about charging you with possession? If you tell him, don't be alone. Get your sister or any other support you can to be with you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

He hasn't yet but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering changing my phone number. He has no keys to get into the front door and has broken down the back door too many times that it can't be fixed so I do what I can to barricade it shut. Which still has its quirks and he is able to manipulate his way in.

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If he has broken down the back door many times, he is a loose cannon. Report it the next time he does it. If the police come back around for any reason, make sure they see the damage and document it. Be careful.

This is the calm before the storm. I can feel it. I have no problem getting the police up here if he kicks in the door again. I just fear that he will do far more than that.

About the possession. I was told that I shouldn't be charged with anything because I was the one that phoned the police and asked them to come up here and remove the stuff out of my house. I also offered a UA because he asked if I do this drug. I said if you have a UA kit in your car I would be happy to take it. I don't believe I would be charged because I think they would have arrested me instantly seeing I was the only one here. It looked bad I am sure to them. But my sister has a co worker with family in law enforcement and they told me not to worry about anything. They are looking for my boyfriend to question him about the friend that was here with the drugs. As far as I know they probably won't charge my boyfriend with anything. I wish that none of this had to happen but the strength I needed was having the police up here to prove to me that the drug was here and that they are here to help if need be. I don't trust the courts but will do my best to take care of me and my kids

Things just keep getting better (sarcastically speaking). At 4:30p (02/07/09) I received a phone call from a pay phone. The caller, a male asked if Mike (my boyfriend) is there. I said no. I asked who the caller was and he said (sarcastic tone) "someone that Mike is making real good friends with" Caller then asks "When did you see him last" I replied "Last Night" Caller went on to say " Tell him to watch his back" " We are keeping our eyes on him" He then asked "Do you expect him home later this evening?" I said "No". Caller said (sarcastically again) "Okay" and then hung up. I quote the caller but may be missing a few words here and there but this about sums up what the caller said. I instantly felt fear so I phone the police with the call. They couldn't do much because it was a pay phone and advised me to lock my doors and if I receive any more calls to mark them down and call them. I instanly removed Mikes clothing from the bedroom and placed it out on the front porch. If there was even a glimpse of a possible reunion or make up not anymore. That was another straw for me. I am assuming its over a drug deal or something of that nature. But its staying away from my home and my kids. I couldn't believe that that just happened today. I am tired of the crap

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

Things just keep getting better (sarcastically speaking). At 4:30p (02/07/09) I received a phone call from a pay phone. The caller, a male asked if Mike (my boyfriend) is there. I said no. I asked who the caller was and he said (sarcastic tone) "someone that Mike is making real good friends with" Caller then asks "When did you see him last" I replied "Last Night" Caller went on to say " Tell him to watch his back" " We are keeping our eyes on him" He then asked "Do you expect him home later this evening?" I said "No". Caller said (sarcastically again) "Okay" and then hung up. I quote the caller but may be missing a few words here and there but this about sums up what the caller said. I instantly felt fear so I phone the police with the call. They couldn't do much because it was a pay phone and advised me to lock my doors and if I receive any more calls to mark them down and call them. I instanly removed Mikes clothing from the bedroom and placed it out on the front porch. If there was even a glimpse of a possible reunion or make up not anymore. That was another straw for me. I am assuming its over a drug deal or something of that nature. But its staying away from my home and my kids. I couldn't believe that that just happened today. I am tired of the crap

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Good move calling the police. Good move placing his things out on the porch. He has gotten himself in some hot water and you don't want to be any part of it If they call again, say you are not his keeper nor his messenger and he can not be found here.

Thank you so much for the support cozyk and all others. Things will be difficult. But I am preparing for what I need to do. Nothing has happened since the phone call so that puts me at ease some. I still fear the worst is yet to come.

You are welcome. It's 11:13 and I am going to crawl into bed and get ready for Sat. Night Live. You have done all you can for one day so I suggest you do the same. Good for you letting the machine get that call last night. Calling at that hour especially was just rude, but what else is new? Same ole, same ole.

Sweet Dreams To all :)

No more calls which is good. Was told that Mike wants to get a hold of me at some point today. Either by phone or visit. Its not going to go well and I am afraid of what he may say. I feel OK though. I am not likeing the fact that I have to lock my doors I have never had to do that before. I lock them when I leave and I hate it.

I did not hear from Mike yet. His things are still out on the porch. Been a rough day.
Good Night Everyone!

Hang in there. By the way I like your new avatar, cute.

I would have called the cops when he kicked the door in the first time... after all its your place not his. Legally.

If he ever tries it again I hope you have 911 on the line before he has time to get in.


And make it clear no in person meetings... you are putting yourself and your kids at risk. If its something that absolutely has to be said... it can be said on the phone... and if you do I hope you record your call. Most Answering machines let you do that. If you live in a state that requires both parties to have concent before recording then make sure you tell him first. If you don't then no reason to inform him.

Thank you for the nice compliment cozyk. And about the door. I did tell him after the last time that I will call the police if he were to do something like that again. I can't afford it first thing secondly its illegal what he is doing.

What I think is happening right now is a game. Mike has not called to get his things. I can't keep letting this happen. He will drag this out as long as he possibly can. I can't get the ball rolling with him because I don't know where he is staying. I also don't feel that I should be the one that makes the move. He told me he wanted out why isn't he getting any of his things? What do you recommend that I do in this situation?

Right now I don't know what to tell you about his things. I just want you to know I'm working on it. Hopefully between all of us, we'll come up with something. Make sure ALL his stuff is out there so there will be no reason to come inside. Or he won't be taking you to small claims court saying you have his TV or whatever. Maybe you could ask the police what the procedure should be if someone has left, but will not come and get their stuff. You want to make sure you play by the rules. IF big IF I knew I wouldn't get in trouble for it, I'd somehow get a message to him that reads... Today 's date. Then something like, All of your belongings left in my possession will be kept on my front porch until Feb. xx, 2009. Any items not picked up by you by that date will be donated to bla bla bla. Now you just need a mailing address. You also need some sort of proof that you mailed the letter. Like send it, "Return Recpt. Requested" or have it notorized or signed by witnesses or something. He could later claim that he never recd. Such a letter and take you to court for getting rid of his things. It would be his word against yours. You have to think in a way that puts you a step ahead of this guys stunts. Come on people, help us come up with some ideas.

Do you know any of his relatives or friends?

Personally, I'd drop all his stuff at his mommy's and let HER deal with it.

His relatives are actually sick of our ins and outs. I have just regained some bit of trust from his father. I fear that if I contact him he will only make matters worse. I have told his father before that his son is into meth but he doesn't really care. His brother is mean. I mean MEAN. I am actually afraid of his family's words. Not so much their actions. I just would hate to get them involved. I hate this feeling I am having.

What about his work place? Send a letter addressed to him in care of where ever he works. Don't go there. That's only more drama if you go there. But, it gives you an address where you know he will get his instructions . Also in your "eviction notice" say that you are not responsible for any damage that may occur to his belongings before he picks them up. I would be generous so he can't cry foul on that. I would maybe give him 10-14 days. That would be more than fair I think. Still up for more ideas people.

I just hate that he is prolonging all of this. I did nothing to deserve this treatment. It hurts so bad because all I can do is go back. When things were all right. There were happy times and that is all I can think about. Why this is happening to me and my kids. What I actually did wrong. Knowing in my heart that I did nothing. It just feels as though I am being punished and punished hard.

Call your local police dept... explain the situation and find out what your legal options are for getting his stuff out...

If he likes it or not doesn't matter. THis is on your schedule not his. If the police say you can dump his stuff at the street then do so. Follow the recommendation of the police. YOu can cover your butt this way.

And if he is playing games get a restaining order issued. Now before he does something.

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

I just hate that he is prolonging all of this. I did nothing to deserve this treatment. It hurts so bad because all I can do is go back. When things were alright. There were happy times and that is all I can think about. Why this is happening to me and my kids. What I actually did wrong. Knowing in my heart that I did nothing. It just feels as though I am being punished and punished hard.

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You are in mourning about how you wished it was. Unfortunately that is not your reality. Of course you did nothing to deserve this and it sucks when innocent people suffer. I don't know why innocent people suffer, I just know they do. You are letting your mind go back to the "good times" because you are normal. It's clinging to those good times because these times are too painful. I never want to make light of your pain. But as an objective outsider, I can see that you were in a relationship where you were getting crumbs. His selfishness, his drug dealings, his abusive language and actions, you deserve better than that. You will have it too eventually. There is no reason why you can't set a higher standard for yourself and when you meet someone that is also looking for a high quality person, then you have a match.

You are thinking of yourself as a victim. " Why is this happening to me?" "I'm being punished". The only thing you did wrong is make a poor choice in men. Now you know better, and now you will choose better. You are not a victim so I want you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take the lead in your life and know that you are an empowered woman, taking care of a previous mistake, and get mad, not sad. I know it hurts because your dream was so much better than this. The damage is done. It is being cleaned up. You have taken the first steps to a better life. I'm praying for your pain to ease. Keep your chin up and your steps forward.

He called today to get some things. I didn't know what to say when he asked if I would pack him some things. I packed what I felt like giving him and actually talked to him for about 5 minutes. Told him that I needed him to tell me what his plans are. He didn't say much and told me he had to think about things. How much time should I give him?

I am confused. I thought you had packed his things and they were sitting on the porch to be picked up by him. Why didn't you just say, everything is packed and waiting on you.

What do you mean you need him to tell you what his plans are. Do you mean about picking up his things, or what he plans to do concerning you. You don't let him tell you what your future is going to be. You tell him.