Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend can't stay hard during sex

Bonita, try to have fun and realize it takes 2 to tango. Getting mad is not necessary and frankly a bit confusing. It is supposed to be an exploration with someone you care about... and you should enjoy turning him on and seeing ways to both get pleasure. If it turns out you are sexually incompatible, that's OK, you both tried. You're both young... and trying (as long as there is protection) is half the fun :-) good luck

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Originally Posted by Bonita--

I'm 19 and he is also 19. We talked about it tonight and he told me that he feels pressured because when he cums fast I always look dissappointed, so now he feels like he can't satisfy me.

When we try to have sex there's always one of two problems. He either cums too fast or can't stay hard. We tried again tonight, and again he came within 5 minutes. He says he tries to hold it in but he can't because it feels too good, and that he needs time getting used to the feeling. I'm trying my best to be patient with him.

To kp2171, before my boyfriend and I had sex, he would do things to pleasure me. We spent 4 months doing things only to benefit me, such as fingering and oral sex. He's very capable of making me orgasm by doing these things. The times we have attempted to have sex we did a lot of foreplay. We spend about 30 minutes on foreplay. When we start having sex it feels amazing and both of us are really into it, and then it's over so fast because he either cums too fast or he can't stay hard.

Bonita- I have the same problem... it sucks.. I don't know what to do either :(
The sex is great when it happens but it lasts barely 5 minutes.. :confused:

To be blunt, guys at 19 are biologically wired to reproduce quickly since they are in their biological prime. And... they need to learn to slow this natural response. He's also not wired for a serious relationship... so, that's why this is a time to explore and focus on school and health and the future. A time for serious relationships is later. Try to have fun and not be too cross with him.

My goodness at 19 he should be able to go 2 or 3 times in a love making session. So what if he loses it the first time. Get him to use a viabrator on you until you are all most ready, then let him take over. You shouldn't worry too much about it. If you really love each other, you got lots of time to explore and learn what makes each other happy. I'm pulling for him and you.

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Originally Posted by stayathomedad11

As a man of 40, I have been able to go as long as 30+ minutes, and I have been able to do this for years. There must be something physically wrong with him or he may be gay. I am not here to say anything wrong about someone I don't know, I am only speaking from personal experience. But I am guessing about the gay status. I have only been unable to get it up when it is too hot in the room or she wants to do it back to back. He should see a doctor to eliminate the factors.

Lol he's not gay, I know that for sure. There may be something wrong with him, I don't know yet. He's going to the doctor's to get checked because this was going on for too long, so I guess I'll find out.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Bonita, try to have fun and realize it takes 2 to tango. Getting mad is not necessary and frankly a bit confusing. It is supposed to be an exploration with someone you care about...and you should enjoy turning him on and seeing ways to both get pleasure. if it turns out you are sexually incompatible, that's ok, you both tried. you're both young....and trying (as long as there is protection) is half the fun :-) good luck

I try my best not to get mad but it's so dissappointing. I always try to act like I'm not upset after but he can always tell:( I'm willing to work on it but he is going to a doctor because now he's starting to think something's wrong with him. But you're right, we are young and there's lots of time to work on this.

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Originally Posted by headraccoon

My goodness at 19 he should be able to go 2 or 3 times in a love making session. So what if he loses it the first time. Get him to use a viabrator on you until you are all most ready, then let him take over. Yall shouldn't worry too much about it. If you really love each other, you got lots of time to explore and learn what makes each other happy. I'm pulling for him and you.

We tried that but when he can't get hard I can't get wet because I start worrying about why he can't get hard, and it kills the whole mood for us. For now we stopped trying because it was becoming too big of a problem for us and also we both think something might be wrong with him.

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Originally Posted by angie87

Bonita- i have the same problem...it sucks.. i don't know what to do either :(
the sex is great when it happens but it lasts barely 5 minutes..:confused:

Yea it sucks and it's hard to deal with. For now my boyfriend and I took a break from trying. I don't know if you talked to your boyfriend about it, but it helps if you do. Hopefully in the future things will get better for the both of us, lol.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

This is a bit silly.

He's a kid. He's not 40. There is nothing wrong with him - except he's full of raging hormones and also a bit insecure about his performance.

He didn't mention his age. I wasn't being sarcastic or mean. I was just zeroing in on male related problems. If he is a kid, he should keep it in his pants a worrry about college.

They are 19.

I do not think he's gay.

I know you meant well. Not to worry.

In my opinion it's a phycological problem. Meaning it's in his head. He was with a new girl, he didn't last too long, Sometimes it takes time to build up when you're with someone new. When you got upset, it made him worry, he's not pleasing you. So that's in his head. And why he can't sustain an erection during intercourse. It doesn't mean he's gay, does't mean he's not attracted to you. Means that his fear is stopping him from keeping his erection. Instead of focusing on you and him when you two are having sex. He's probably thinking"OMG what if i can't please her this time, what if i dont last to long or i lose my erection" when he thinks that, he will most likely go in limp mode.

Look at the bright side. You found a guy that actually cares if your being pleased. Some guys are wham bam thank you maam. And just go.

He can go talk to someone and fix this. And when he gets this problem fixed, and until he builds up with you. Say he lasts for 5 minutes. Ask him to finish you off. See if he'll go down on you or finger you.

And most importantly you need to be suportive.

I'm no expert but it sounds like all worry and no fun. Maybe a good start would be to put the stopwatch away.

Tell your boyfriend to contact health practitioner it most common for some people, not all. What can cause is stress, smoking, drinking of Alcohol, diabetics and he can try to going some exercise. Please contact doctor

I spoke to a few gals who've been around a little longer/more than me and they all say same thing, there's nothing wrong with him except the pressure bonita is putting on him, sorry to say. If he feels like letting go tell him to go for it and have fun then tell him what hot stuff he is and laugh together, then finish yourself off or teach him how.

After everybody is relaxed you can work on getting better. Sorry, it should be 'making love' not rehearsing for a porn vid.

That would be one short porn video! Heheh

Have you tried visiting a doctor? However this maybe because he gets to excited when both of you are about to do it... this could be why he comes so quick... Its something that can be worked on but it is not going to take him alone but the both of you...

Is it me or is it getting hot in here ;)

Since I originally posted this things have gotten a bit better. He learned to stay hard and get over the fear that he can't pleasure me, but he still finishes too fast. I'm trying my VERY BEST to be patient with him. In the beginning I thought something was wrong with him, but I think it might just be the fact that he gets too excited.

Maybe I'm in over my head and maybe the experts will come back and help, but here it is- I think there is something not right with 'I'm trying by VERY BEST to be patient with him'

I don't think he or anybody is obliged to please you. It's like demanding somebody love you. It happens or it doesn't. It seems really important to you that somebody sends you to the moon and if that's it you should find a real stud that can do it. Please forgive if that doesn't sound like a really supportive response but I'm really trying to help.

Ok well I just read through this entire thread and this BF of yours seems to have a few problems the first being he seems to have a degree of PE but its nothing he can't get over.
Just don't fret about it because it will only make it worse for him and many guys at this age have this problem. There are several things he needs to do.
1. For guys who can't last long for any reason have him look up keggels they have helped me, somewhat, except the first few times I've had sex I've always been able to last at least 10-30 minutes not to mention you can always go again and the key to that will be #2
2. Have him explore your body a little more if he can find ways to really pleasure you besides out of sexual intercourse it will boost his self confidence, because what you really want to do is get his mind off the negative path he is driving down, associating sex with a ton of negative emotions like anxiety. Discomfort, anger (From you because he goes to fast.) because once you guys can get past some of this and he can finally give you at least one mind blowing session of love making things will get better a lot faster. It won't be a miracle cure for his problem but if you can even get the ball rolling then things will improve a lot faster.

And for you.
You love the guy right? So act like it, he is not a pornstar and he is also relatively new to sex and guys have to learn to control their orgasms just like some woman have to learn to actually even have one. Absolutely support him with everything you have, and be happy about it. If he even senses that your not having a good time he is going to associate sex with negative thoughts and emotions and that won't solve anything thing not to mention work against both of you. Just remember explore, explore, explore were all a bunch of young people so find out what really turns each other on and you can use that if he ever loses his erection. Sex can be one of the most fun and fulfilling acts you can do in if your in the right state of mind and your both ready for it. On the other hand it can be equally unsatisfactory and un-nerving for all parties involved if your not willing to find and fix all the kinks us young people have in sex.

Also please make sure he is not comparing himself with his guy friends stories and internet porn and other media because for 1. His friends are mostly just buffing up their own sexual conquests and any portion of it is probably exaggerated 2. Porn is the higher end of the performance chart those guys are picked for a reason. 3. Media that tells him sure ways to get better and media that puts a big performance burden on him. Just be with your guy enjoy each others company during any kind of sex and try to lighten the mood for him for awhile. Good luck and god bless.

Comment on SimpleguyJoe's post

Dr. Phil over here ;)

By the way, did anybody mention she should try on top? I think it slows them down a little.

I think it has been mentioned somewhere here. But yea it will most likely help a great deal.

Thank you guys,
this has actually helped me,

I was worried, cause me and my partner have only done it once, she's not a virgin but I was and I couldn't stay hard I was scared cuase I thought something was wrong with me,
but during foreplay I could stay hard, but during sex I couldn't keep hard, I thought something was wrong with me like it would go for a about 5 min then I would go soft..

I was so worried and actually dissapointed in myself =[ but me being young and unexperienced.. it will get better... right?

If I finish before my girl I just keep going until its ready again...