Ask Me Help Desk - Fiancé says I turn him off because I pressure him to have sex

No I would never do that because I know it would ruin us. We kept the hotness between us. Last year he stopped watching porn for lent and it was the best sex we've ever had it was hot and amazing. Then when lent was over I saw that he wasn't hornet as much so I said babe are you replacing me w porn? He said what do you think I'm a jerk off machine?? And I asked a few weeks later babe are you watching porn it took you a longtime to ! Maybe those comments upset him? I speak openly to him and he is very sensitive at times

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Originally Posted by Andrew1101

Could it be possible that he resents you for something? In these hot experience that you mentioned, has there ever been the introduction of someone else, which is causing him to resent and/or no longer respect you sexually? I've heard of this happening as well. One partner pushed for a threesome, and when it finally happens, that partner is unable to handle seeing his or her significant with someone else.

Andrew, I have to ask how old you are, and why you keep thinking there's someone else involved in this relationship? What makes you keep pushing that there's someone else? Is that your personal experience, that when sex diminishes, it means there's someone else? Because that's not always the case.

You can't give advice on this site based only on your own experience. You have to think outside the box.

Based on your advice, you don't seem to be able to separate your experiences from all other possibilities.

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Originally Posted by CarolinaP81

No I would never do that because I know it would ruin us. We kept the hotness between us. Last year he stopped watching porn for lent and it was the best sex we've ever had it was hot and amazing. Then when lent was over I saw that he wasn't hornet as much so I said babe are you replacing me w porn? He said what do you think I'm a jerk off machine?? And I asked a few weeks later babe are you watching porn it took you a longtime to ! Maybe those comments upset him? I speak openly to him and he is very sensitive at times

Men and porn go hand in hand. Are you obsessing about the porn? Are you constantly nagging him about it because you know he watches it? Now he's hiding it because he knows you hate it. Porn isn't about sex for men. It's visual stimulation.

Men aren't like women. Men are visual, women are emotional. For men, watching porn is like a woman reading a romance novel. No big deal. But for women, a man watching porn is like cheating. It's not, at least not to a man.

Are you constantly complaining about him watching porn? Is that the truth?

Our first year of dating we would watch porn together... And, Yes I have complained in the past about 2 years ago because he told me that he was sorry he couldn't ejaculate because he had watched porn--- that bothered me and I complained about it he says that I kind of scarred him. Now a days I say we can watch it together he says no because he is afraid if I get upset if he likes something or watches something that I'll criticize it. I said let's just watch please and he doesn't want to. I watch porn too. And what bothers me is not the porn but the fact that he would most prob watch it w someone else and not w me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Andrew, I have to ask how old you are, and why you keep thinking there's someone else involved in this relationship? What makes you keep pushing that there's someone else? Is that your personal experience, that when sex diminishes, it means there's someone else? Because that's not always the case.

You can't give advice on this site based only on your own experience. You have to think outside the box.

Based on your advice, you don't seem to be able to separate your experiences from all other possibilities.

I'm not speaking from my all of my own experiences. If you read what I wrote, I am basing my responses on what I've heard from others... most of these are in the form of a question to the person here for advice. I'm trying to get the whole picture, which would make it easier for me to give advice.

I am not pushing that there is someone else. Again, that was a question I asked based on what I've heard from others. Also, my age is not relevant. Thank you.

You know... he doesn't have to be in the mood to please you once in awhile. One partner can simply give the other enjoyment. It may or may not get him in the mood as well, but that doesn't have to be the goal.

Don't bring it up again... let some time pass... he knows how you feel. He may be very aware of anything he says or does now so as not to upset you and that is stressing him.

Focus on other aspects of your relationship and your own personal interests. You might just say, "You know, you are right. Perhaps I have been bringing this up too often and causing you to feel pressured. That was not my intent, but it's important to me, and I feel that it's important to our relationship that we can talk about every aspect. I love you, I love being with you, and I want you to know that I am here for you, to talk to, to laugh with, for you to lean on should you ever need it, and to share my life with you." Then go out and have some fun with a girlfriend or two.

On a side note: Do not get married until this issue is resolved to where both of you are satisfied that you will be moving forward and not just carrying it into a marriage. As was mentioned, premarital counseling may be something to consider to help with communication skills for both of you.

Then about 4 months ago I came home he had the TV on loud I walked into the bedroom and he was watching porn jerking off (I had my period and I was fine w it) he got so nervous and embarrassed and I got upset because I told him babe I'll lick you and he said I'm sorry I'm so embarrassed please don't make it a big deal --- and I didn't because I wasn't home and because I had my period I was fine w it.

Why would he watch porn with someone else and not you? If you guys watched it together when you first started dating, but now he is afraid to watch it with you on the assumption that you will criticize him for liking something. Shouldn't that be a turn on and one of the reasons couples watch porn together.

I really believe that he is having issues with something else in the relationship and him not interested in having sex with you is the result of it. Being that you two are engaged, I would make it a priority to get to the bottom of this asap!

How are thing with your family? I asked because I have responded to your posts before and the issues were self control and dealing with your own feels. You have always taken things personally and I don't feel this relationship is any different than the way you handled others. Impulse control is difficult with sensitive emotional people and it helps nothing when you have a selfish private partner. You can't control him, but you can control yourself. He isn't very patient for sure, but neither are you.

Yes this is a preview of things to come, and learning to talk and listen is an ongoing process, and either you grow together, or grow apart.

That's how I feel. He says he only want me and that he loves me and that's it. But I've said to him it hurts me that you don't want to watch porn w me you don't want to have sex w me I just don't understand. Thanks you DoulaLC I agree that I should let time pass- he know show it feel I've said it so many times he is tired of hearing and he told me so.

Things w my family are so much better thank God that was about 6 years ago. And your right I do take things so personally I've gotten better but I still struggle. I am very impulsive and very blunt when I speak especially when I'm angry/upset and he get so angry/upset not so much by what I say but how I say it he tells me that there is a way to speak to him and sometimes I'm very mean. I have tried working on this and I believe I have calmed down but it's still lingers and I lash out at times. Because I just feel like he doesn't understand me. I sent him a text before saying "I have a lot of apologizing to do. I'm wrong for a lot of things. Especially trying to control what you do or say. I'm so wrong. And I realized that today. I may be smart and confident but I can't see the way you see at times and it's a downfall. This happened to me over time and I want to change I don't want to be like this I never was." He didn't reply. I didn't expect a reply I am genuinely sorry because I know I have caused this and he hasn't helped the matter by not communicating to me how he feels because he is afraid that I'll get mad/upset.

It might sound overly simple, but try "I" statements when you talk with him--"I feel left out when..." and "I'm very disappointed when..." Saying you this and you that is accusing, and he'll shut down.

The fact that you are reaching out says a lot and you should feel good about that. However, he must now meet you halfway and show you that he wants to work this out. I think you are on the right path. I think someone else mentioned to give him a little time. That may be the best thing. At least he knows you are willing to talk when he is ready.

Thank you andrew1101 I appreciate it. I have to stop and I will. I am hopeful that everything will be okay. And that he will open up to me once I stop the pressure and nagging.

There is ZERO evidence that he's cheating. I don't think he could at this point.

A few things that I need to comment on that I saw. First off, he's following a bikini model and you said that you'll never look like a bikini model. Horse-Poo! Put on a bikini. Bam! There you go. Beyond that he DOESN'T expect you to look like that. He likes the way you look and you do sound fit with some wobbly bits. You're devauling your own self-image and self-esteem based upon this and you're pushing for validation from him because of it. You think that you're ugly and undesirable compared to what he has seen and what he's following. Because of this you are trying to prove, via having a butt-tonne of sex with him, that you're just as good in his eyes. The thing is that this is ALL in your head. He likes you just the way you are. You're making this into a race. Stop that.

The next point. Exhaustion and pain are completely valid reasons for not having sex. If I am tired I am not going to want to have sex. If you've had a hard day at work and spent four hours afterwards moving concrete pavers, are you going to want to have sex? There is a common missconception that men are ready and want sex all the time and this is pretty true, but not entirely. We have the same libido limiters that women are made fun of for happening. If I got a headache, I am not going try to power through it to plough my wife. I am going to want to take some advil, a cold compress and lay in the dark for a while, no lips on my penis during any of that. From the injury I would say that back pain, because I experience a LOT of it, is also a good libido limiter especially when your limited to the positions that your back can be in.

As for being able to play sports with a bad back and still deny a blow job. That is completely normal. First off you need to be in the right head space and if you're not... you could suck horribly on the field. You understand this because you play too. As well if you have a commitment to the team you need to honour that, it is one of the circuits in a man's head. If I say I am going to be here and do this than I am going to because I am man. Don't be slighted by that. We will power through things that we shouldn't.

Lastly nagging and pressuring to perform and the fragile male ego. I think enough has been said about that.

A thought as well. Pulling off the pressure to preform is a good idea, I think that couples counselling would do well so that you can get on the road to recovery. As well vary the times that you guys have sex. Morning on the weekends or days off for example. Not just be late at night before bed. You might get him before everything starts to hurt. Listen to him as well, he has pretty much told you everything. Lastly, get off the porn/masturbation wagon. That's his bubble bath, his quiet moment with a dark chocolate bar, his cold beer at the end of a long day.

Good luck.

I'd just say.. keep any kind of discussion related to sex away for a while and wait till he himself comes up and wants to have it :) Goodluck! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

There is ZERO evidence that he's cheating. I don't think he could at this point.

A few things that I need to comment on that I saw. First off, he's following a bikini model and you said that you'll never look like a bikini model. Horse-Poo! Put on a bikini. Bam! There you go. Beyond that he DOESN'T expect you to look like that. He likes the way you look and you do sound fit with some wobbly bits. You're devauling your own self-image and self-esteem based upon this and you're pushing for validation from him because of it. You think that you're ugly and undesirable compared to what he has seen and what he's following. Because of this you are trying to prove, via having a butt-tonne of sex with him, that you're just as good in his eyes. The thing is that this is ALL in your head. He likes you just the way you are. You're making this into a race. Stop that.

The next point. Exhaustion and pain are completely valid reasons for not having sex. If I am tired I am not going to want to have sex. If you've had a hard day at work and spent four hours afterwards moving concrete pavers, are you going to want to have sex? There is a common missconception that men are ready and want sex all the time and this is pretty true, but not entirely. We have the same libido limiters that women are made fun of for happening. If I got a headache, I am not going try to power through it to plough my wife. I am going to want to take some advil, a cold compress and lay in the dark for a while, no lips on my penis during any of that. From the injury I would say that back pain, because I experience a LOT of it, is also a good libido limiter especially when your limited to the positions that your back can be in.

As for being able to play sports with a bad back and still deny a blow job. That is completely normal. First off you need to be in the right head space and if you're not... you could suck horribly on the field. You understand this because you play too. As well if you have a commitment to the team you need to honour that, it is one of the circuits in a man's head. If I say I am going to be here and do this than I am going to because I am man. Don't be slighted by that. We will power through things that we shouldn't.

Lastly nagging and pressuring to perform and the fragile male ego. I think enough has been said about that.

A thought as well. Pulling off the pressure to preform is a good idea, I think that couples counselling would do well so that you can get on the road to recovery. As well vary the times that you guys have sex. Morning on the weekends or days off for example. Not just be late at night before bed. You might get him before everything starts to hurt. Listen to him as well, he has pretty much told you everything. Lastly, get off the porn/masturbation wagon. That's his bubble bath, his quiet moment with a dark chocolate bar, his cold beer at the end of a long day.

Good luck.

CravenMorhead
Your advice hit right on the nail. Your absolutely right it's all in my head. And, I have pushed him away not only sexually but physically and mentally. I have been laying low. I woke up really early and went to the gym before he woke up kissed him on the forehead and said have a good day. He didn't call me or text me all day and I understand I hurt him and he is upset w him. Your right about exhaustion and about his pains- seems that I'm the one that's been being selfish. :( I am hoping this will pass... I think he feels scared that this/I will always be like this. I am going to change and get off the porn/masturbation wagon. Thank you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buntush

I'd just say.. keep any kind of discussion related to sex away for a while and wait till he himself comes up and wants to have it :) Goodluck! :)

I def will stay away from any type of sex talk. Thank you.

original post: "My fiancé 35 and I 33 have sex once a month if I'm lucky it's twice. This has been going on for 6 months now."

now: " ... it's all in my head. "

So, you just imagined that there was a problem? Think about postponing the wedding as I suggested before. Pretending that everything is rosy with nothing really having been changed is not a plan that will work for the next 20, 30, 40, who knows how many years. Get it right the first time.

Smearcase I don't want to sound rude but if you would've read the thread you would've understood what "is all in my head" -- I said l in my head because of the comparison and insecurities I have/ had because he likes a bikini model.

So he hasn't sleep home in two days he has stayed with his sister. (I know for a fact he has because he was seen by a friend) I don't understand? I guess he is that upset that he doesn't want to see me? He texts here and there but that's it. I'm feeling sad and frustrated.

Most guy when they have had it up to their eyeballs at home go fishing, or some other way to change the scenery. Helps process things by getting away from it.