Ask Me Help Desk - 24/f, Socially-Anxious, Virgin. Sex-obsessed and Struggling with Urges

"oops you must spread some rep around before giving it to Cravenmorhead again"

Totally agree about the "swallowing your pride" when you get answers here.
You have to learn to take criticism and be open minded in order to learn something from all the great advice on here. If you don't like someone's answer it's pretty easy to immediately feel defensive and take it personally. But instead take a step back, respect people's opinions and be open minded.

I also agree about the sex is up to you. It's whatever the person is comfortable with. If someone wants to have sex with lots of people or not wait for love, that is there prerogative. Some people do have sex for fun and there is nothing wrong with that if they're happy with their decisions.

There is one other thing for you to consider. Are you on birth control? Are you ready to take the chance that having sex could result in pregnancy?

My opinion is that you are old enough to be a consenting adult. You can choose when and how you want to have sex. Number of partners is up to you. However, if you choose to experiment it should be with full understanding that no form of birth control/contraceptive is 100% effective and sex can result in a pregnancy. If you are not ready to deal that reality and the consequences, wait on having sex until you are.

I also caution you to get to know a potential partner well enough to know if they have any sexually transmitted diseases. I do not think you need to add physical issues to the mental/emotional ones.

I truly think you need to learn how to build a relationship based on mutual interests before you try building one based on sex.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

I agree that she should go to therapy. But I don't agree that she needs to wait for a relationship/ start dating until she's improved a ton through therapy (that could possibly take years).

If I waited until a lot of therapy to help my self esteem /issues then I don't know when I would have ever had a relationship! Sure it's best to be as healthy minded as you can be for a relationship but that's not always attainable.

Life experience (which includes relationships) helped me grow and learn and helped my confidence and social anxieties improve. I use to be a lot worse anxiety wise in my early 20's. But when I met my boyfriend (now husband) he was my rock and helped me deal with a lot of my issues. I started being more social once I was dating him, started being able to grieve because of my past, and much more.

I've had a good amount of therapy, and so far life experiences and my husband and friends have helped me more than therapy. Not to discredit therapy, it can be wonderful and life changing (although that hasn't happened for me yet). But I don't think I could be mentally where I am today unless I met my husband back when I was a mess and he helped me through it so much.

I do agree to get into therapy asap though. It's very helpful and there is no shame in it. Also medication can help a ton. Depression and anxiety can mess with your perception of things. And you can read into things more than what's necessary.

Thanks so much for your response, and for sharing your insight. I've always said that to people who insist one should go to therapy (if they can even afford it, I can't) before engaging in a relationship. Therapy isn't something you do for a week or month and then everything is right as rain. Therapy, and dealing with anxiety and depression, etc. often takes several years to see improvements. Some people never see an improvement in their condition. Realistically I could be looking at several more decades alone if I decided to wait until I could afford to attend therapy, and then waited until I saw improvements in my issues.

There are countless people today in relationships, who suffer from addictions (drugs, sex, etc.), forms of mental illnesses, anxiety issues, etc. etc. etc. and they have found people who love them they are happy. And like you, their situations improved or at least weren't affected by their relationship. So it IS possible to be in a relationship without therapy.

Personally I want to be in a relationship to, be loved, learn to love, and have someone there who I can turn to and trust. But realistically I know that may not happen for me because I work full time, I'm no longer in university so meeting people doesn't happen as much for me anymore, and plus I'm very shy, awkward and socially anxious so taking a class or going to a club/bar are very daunting to me. Still I want to at least experience sex, I've obsessed about it for so long and just crave the experience. I'm willing to lose it to someone I trust, whom I'm attracted to, even if a relationship doesn't come out of it. Because it's all I can hope for right now.

Plus, therapy doesn't help everyone. Right now I'm on a waiting list to a free cognitive behaviour clinic in my city, the waiting time was 15 months long last year when I signed up for it. I hope that I'll get in soon, but till then I can't put my life on hold. I also don't want to take prescription drugs for this, for personal reasons, instead I deal with vitamins (D, fish oil) and will be starting niacin soon.

Anyway, once again thanks so much for your input. I don't see enough answers like yours here. Can I ask how/where you met your husband?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

There is one other thing for you to consider. Are you on birth control? Are you ready to take the chance that having sex could result in pregnancy?

My opinion is that you are old enough to be a consenting adult. You can choose when and how you want to have sex. Number of partners is up to you. However, if you choose to experiment it should be with full understanding that no form of birth control/contraceptive is 100% effective and sex can result in a pregnancy. If you are not ready to deal that reality and the consequences, wait on having sex until you are.

I also caution you to get to know a potential partner well enough to know if they have any sexually transmitted diseases. I do not think you need to add physical issues to the mental/emotional ones.

I truly think you need to learn how to build a relationship based on mutual interests before you try building one based on sex.

Thanks for your reply. Great questions. I'm not on birth control, although I have been on and off in the past. I would use a condom if I ever engaged in sex with the guy in my post or any guy for that matter.

I don't wish to ever be pregnant, I'd rather adopt a child when I'm older. And you're right, I don't need to deal with the physical and mental trauma that comes from sexual diseases. Do people outright ask each other if they have any stds prior to sex? I've always wondered this. And what if they are lying? How do you know? It may not sound very romantic but I've always pictured getting check at the doctor with any would-be sexual partner to make sure we were both 'clean.'

The guy in my post (handyman) and I actually have a lot in common. Interests in yoga, meditation, entrepreneurship, and spirituality to name a few. I'll admit it'd be nice to get to know him more and vice versa, but so far I like him.

"I truly think you need to learn how to build a relationship based on mutual interests before you try building one based on sex"

I don't know how to build a relationship, I've never been good with the opposite sex. I may never figure it out and end up alone for the rest of my life. This shouldn't mean I should remain an unkissed virgin though. If a guy and I have mutual physical attraction to one another, why should I hold off because I don't know how to form a relationship? I may never date or find someone who loves me, and fall in love but that shouldn't mean never getting to experience sex at the very least.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jodar7

I'm willing to lose it to someone I trust, whom I'm attracted to, even if a relationship doesn't come out of it. Because it's all I can hope for right now.

That's a lovely thought, but it just doesn't work that way. The minute you become intimate with someone, even without planning to get emotions involved, emotions DO get involved. It's nearly impossible for women, even more than men, to have sex with someone and not get personally and emotionally involved (even if she thinks she won't be).

And if you are thinking of losing your virginity to someone you trust, that trust and comfort have to be first built up. How are you going to do that if you aren't even trusting of and comfortable with yourself? And will he be trusting and comfortable with you?

And you do not have to go through with years of therapy before you can embark on a sexual (and relationship) adventure. Even the first few sessions can stabilize you enough to allow you to venture forth into the unknown of social interactions -- in fact, that would be one of your "homework" assignments.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I can't diagnose any of this but I get the feeling that you've got Asperger syndrome or another form of autism. You fit the bill of the symptoms and act like a tone of people I know with this syndrome. Not much you can do about it. Keep it in mind.

Also. One more post like the above criticizing the VOLUNTEERS here and lashing out because the advice you're getting isn't the advice you want and I'll close this thread. Be respectful here. Think about what you say and what we're saying. We're not trying to lead you down the garden path. We're, despite every effort on your part, trying to help you. Swallow your pride.

Do we have an understanding here?

Moving along, should you lose your virginity to this person? You're conflicted. You wanted to save it until you're in love but you're not getting into a relationships to the point where you are in love. Admirable. Now you see a stallion you want to ride until the early hours. It's natural. The conflict, you want to f**k him but you want to wait to make sure you're in love with him.

There are two solutions:
1). Go out for drinks with him. Go out on a few dates with him. Start a relationship. You might get hurt. You might not. A few months down the line when you believe this is love and going to last then let him plow your fields.
2). Go out for drinks. Have sex. Go out again. Have more sex. etc.

I am off the mind that everyone should explore themselves sexually. I put no stock in virginity or the number of people you've had sex with. Your body has it's own ideas. You're putting yourself through unnecessary stress by being conflicted over this.

My honest advice is to go for it. You will probably get hurt. That's life. At leas at that point you won't be a never been kissed virgin.

If you disagree with that then don't. You have the answer already you're just using us to tease it out because you haven't realized it.

Also the age difference and the kid isn't an issue. I know people who've got a good relationship with a 10+year age difference as well as blended families. In this century that isn't unusual. The only difference is that you need to make sure that the child likes you as well as the man.

Good luck.

Thanks for your reply, but like you said "I can't diagnose any of this but I get the feeling that you've got Asperger syndrome or another form of autism."

I know myself, and so do my parents and as a child and a young teen I got along easily with people, made friends easily, wasn't shy or nervous most of the time, and I've always ever had empathy for others. So I'm not sure which symptoms you assume I have which fit those disorders. It's also very dangerous to go around diagnosing people you've never met, especially online. Please don't. I've described what I have, and I know what I have due to years of researching people which my same problems all over the internet, from YouTube to reddit. I have depression caused by the isolation I feel due to having low self-esteem and social anxiety. Those three disorders tend to go together, most people with an anxiety disorder are depressed because of them. I have no trouble with 'small talk' so long as the people are very young, or female (I have a slight fear of my male peers and older men).

I don't know how I come off on this site, but some of the people on this site bring out the absolute worst in me. They harass me, and insult me. I'm often too soft-spoken in my real life, arguably a recovering doormat/pushover. (Social anxiety and low confidence will do that to you.) I WILL NOT show respect to those who do not show respect to me. You have to earn it. Sorry. I refuse to be bullied anymore, and at least online I'm confident enough to stand up for myself and call people out when they're being RUDE to me. I don't need responses from people like that. They can beat it. Seriously. And pride? Um, I wish. I'm just trying to stand up for myself when no one else will. I won't apologize for the way I've been treated here. This has gone on long enough. I feel like I'm being trolled sometimes when the same members find my questions and respond to them with insults directed at me. I'm reporting them next time.

"1). Go out for drinks with him. Go out on a few dates with him. Start a relationship. You might get hurt. You might not. A few months down the line when you believe this is love and going to last then let him plow your fields.
2). Go out for drinks. Have sex. Go out again. Have more sex. etc."

I just don't feel capable of #1. Myabe it's my inexperience and low self-esteem talking but I don't feel like someone that could truly be loved. I feel almost undeserving. I know I'm a good person, and people who get to know have liked me in the past. But I don't know how to open up anymore. I'm too afraid of judgment, or being mocked for who I am. Of being shy and awkward, and 'weird' and stupid, and turning them off. I could *try* #1, but I don't want him to be turned off. I'm also a bit concerned about the kid factor, kids complicate things.. . I'd be just as happy settling with #2 at this point in my life, at least I wouldn't be a kissless virgin anymore. Plus I'd be able to put my focus elsewhere after finally experiencing sex.

"My honest advice is to go for it. You will probably get hurt. That's life. At leas at that point you won't be a never been kissed virgin."

Exactly. And if I don't expect anything to come of it, I won't get hurt.

"The only difference is that you need to make sure that the child likes you as well as the man."

True, I've met her before when he came to our store to buy her a toy, and she was really sweet! I gave her a lolipop for free. My sister and I are planning a Christmas gift for her. Still, I put myself down and doubt myself a lot and I worry about her not liking me for some reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Cripes...talk about having issues.....and a bad attitude.

first off....if you aren't in therapy now...you really need to get into it...post-haste.

second...with the attitude I've seen....most guys are going to run the other direction...no matter how attractive you might be.

third....if you really want to be in a good relationship...you are going to have to seriously deal with the above two issues....because any guy worth having around....isn't going to want to deal with the daily drama....because quite honestly....there are a LOT of women out there....even if they might not be the most attractive physically....might actually have great personalities....and beauty does fade....what varies is how fast and how much....then what you are left with is the personality....if its abrasive and unatractive on its own...then what do you have to offer?

Seriously.....before you waste more years of your life before you come to grasp the need. Get yourself into therapy now....you aren't getting any younger...and you'll never get those years back.

And trust me....NO woman is gods gift to man........nor is any man gods gift to women.

WIthout therapy....anything else would be a huge waste of time.

I CAN'Tafford therapy. If you read my previous posts you'd see how many times I've mentioned that.

Also, CRIPES talk about being RUDE and PRESUMPTUOUS. I don't need your insults, I do a fine job of insulting myself on the daily. I don't know how I come off on this site, clearly not well, but that's because I've dealt with some very mean-spirited, hurtful people here and I've constantly had to defend myself so as not be bullied.

I never considered myself 'god's gift' to anyone. I've always held everyone else up on a pedestal. I NEVER felt deserving of love. That's my issue.

And I have a GREAT personality. I've had amazing friends in the past who wouldn't have stuck around if I was as atrocious as all of you try to make me feel. People have told me that I'm intelligent, 'the nicest person they know,' 'beautiful,' 'gorgeous' 'cute' 'funny.' It's ME who has a hard time accepting myself and believing these things.

I don't think I can come back here. Your post was the last straw. I was tearing up reading it because none of you know me at all. Yet, you claim to "just be trying to help" when all you're doing is blasting me with insults and making me feel worst than garbage. I'm trying to build up my self-esteem, trying to take my life into my own hands, and go out and get what I want. But when I come here and read the comments, I feel like the little progress I've made towards loving myself is stripped away. You guys are vicious like sharks. This isn't a welcoming forum at all save for the odd person here or there. When one of you doesn't like someone, you all come down on that person and just rip them apart. Pretty sure the major of the repliers are female. We tend to be notorious for being incredibly hurtful and hateful towards each other.

Congrats, you guys make me feel like sh*t, almost pushed me back into my suicidal thoughts, talking about how worthless you think I am. How men will 'run from me' how they have a choice of many women and wouldn't want me, and how awful my personality must be.'

I don't know any of you but based on your posts, most of you aren't exactly a 'catch' yourselves. I will try my best to connect with the guy in my post, and let him decide how 'worth it' I am.

And lastly, don't you dare EVER tell ANYONE they are 'not God's gift' to ____. We are all here, on Earth, living. Most of the people who ever lived are dead. We are incredibly special, all of us. And anyone should feel blessed to have us in their lives. We all come from the source of love, the universe, and we're all created out of love. So YES, I AM, in fact, gods gift to man. I am worthy, and important, because I was created from god, the universe, and its love.

Anyway I'm done here. Too much negativity. For a bunch of people who claim I need help, you sure know how to trash a person's self-worth and make them feel like garbage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jodar7

I CAN'Tafford therapy.

Yes, you can. Counselors have sliding scales and there are plenty who are in it to help people and not to amass a fortune. Have you checked into this?

It's funny how you claim that people were harassing you. Alty and I tried to give you direct answers and you jumped us for it, just as you did to me months ago. Nowhere was I trying to be mean or harassing yet you took the first stab at us because you didn't like what we said. Now because of that, you also claim we were insulting you and how we're vicious like sharks. It should be clear to anyone that actually reads our responses to you that we were not harassing you or trying to be mean but you didn't like it and you went off on us. We tried to help and you got nasty yet we are the ones who were insulting you somehow. This shows me plenty.

I warned you.

Closed. Please check your pride and your attitude before posting in this forum again.

If your virginity is less precious than your experiencing the joys of the flesh go for it. Just be smart about your decision, and have no regrets because you have high expectation of where a roll in the hay will leads.

I however think you should forget the sex, and deal with your other emotional issues in more productive ways because its hell to pay combining emotional deficits with physical ones. In short if you cannot deal with your issues now, how will you deal with the added issues that having sex will bring?

Be smart and never act on fear or impulse. Keep it real.