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Originally Posted by Mina90

Yes, it is a very big issue for me. When I saw he was watching porn I couldn't speak, I couldn't eat, I cried for 3 days straight and its not because he was watching it. It's because of the way just seeing the site effected me. I don't know what to do. He seems like those bad people to me now...

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I'm also concerned about other things he is doing to control you, about his other demands that limit you. Sensitivity and empathy are not his two middle names.

What is good and worthy about him?

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Originally Posted by Mina90

Exactly! And he also claimed that men who watched porn didn't care about their girlfriends. So now it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. This caused me to be one big mess

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You know... on just those two issues... I'd tell you to move on... becaise first he isn't being honest with you about the porn... because it has nonthing to do with respect... I've been married for 21 years... I don't respect her any less than I did when we got married. And I watch some porn almost every day... and she has no issues with it because she knows its got nothing to do with her... in fact we enjoy certain kinds together from time to time...

But the real big problem is him demanding who you can and can't associate with... thats wrong on many levels... and ifs a precursor for major control issues, and possibly even abuse... if he dopesn't get a wake up call... he is likely to get far worse about that. ITs about boundries and limits... are there a few if I was single I might? Sure... but the fact is I'm not.. and they aren't so the issues isn't an issue because of boundries and limits... that don't get crossed.

I've got women friends... my wife has guy friends... we don't run around paranoid about it. Having friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean there is hanky panky going on... or even might.

Heck... I can even joke with my wife about that... she has one friend I'd jump in bed with in a heartbeat... wife s comeback is, yeah... like she would really do that with you... she even knows it because my wife joked with her about it one day... but we all get along splendedly and nothing wrong ever really happens because of those boundries...

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm also concerned about other things he is doing to control you, about his other demands that limit you. Sensitivity and empathy are not his two middle names.

What is good and worthy about him?

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Well, I was a mess when we became friends. I was depressed and not doing the right thing. He picked me back up. He cared for me when no one else could. It's hard to explain, I kept my rapes and my father touching me a secret until about two years ago when my father overdosed and died in the kitchen sink of my home. My family was getting over his death and still all loved him very much where as I didn't know how to feel about his death. My sisters shunned me when they found out about what happened with my father and I and wanted nothing to do with it. I was alone. He was there for me. Another reason why this hurts so much. He's just become a completely different person than what I knew.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

You know...on just those two issues......I'd tell you to move on....becaise first he isn't being honest with you about the porn...because it has nonthing to do with respect....I've been married for 21 years....I don't respect her any less than I did when we got married. And I watch some porn almost every day....and she has no issues with it because she knows its got nothing to do with her...in fact we enjoy certain kinds together from time to time...

But the real big problem is him demanding who you can and can't associate with....thats wrong on many levels...and ifs a precurser for major control issues, and possibly even abuse....if he dopesn't get a wake up call...he is likely to get far worse about that. ITs about boundries and limits.....are there a few if I was single I might? Sure...but the fact is I'm not..and they aren't so the issues isn't an issue because of boundries and limits....that don't get crossed.

I've got women friends...my wife has guy friends.....we don't run around paranoid about it. Having friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean there is hanky panky going on...or even might.

Heck...I can even joke with my wife about that......she has one friend I'd jump in bed with in a heartbeat...wife s comeback is, yeah....like she would really do that with you...she even knows it because my wife joked with her about it one day...but we all get along splendedly and nothing wrong ever really happens.

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So you think I should try to move on? I'm just scared I'm never going to trust anyone again. I'm so scared... I feel so alone..

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Originally Posted by Mina90

He's just become a completely different person than what I knew.

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Did he change after your revelation about your childhood?

I wonder if any other family members are holding on to their own secrets about your father's behavior toward them. There could be a lot of denial going on, unless you were the scapegoat and the only one he chose to control.

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Originally Posted by Mina90

So you think I should try to move on? I'm just scared I'm never going to trust anyone again. I'm so scared..... I feel so alone..

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I see a future abuser just over his telling you who you can assicoate with... thats an unhealthy control issue. It might not be abuse yet... but its not too far from it.

Sure he might grow out of it... or he might get far worse... just know most guys don't think like that... and also understand... everyone makes a few bad choices before they make the right one. And we would never know who the right one was... if we didn't date a few toads along the way.

YOu have to keep a positive attitude... men and women both like self confidence in our partners. Ever see a great looking guy with a homely gal... or a real nice looking Woman with a not so hot guy?

Sure sometimes it might be about money... but usually its self confidences that got their foot in the door... and their personality that landed the deal.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Did he change after your revelation about your childhood?

I wonder if any other family members are holding on to their own secrets about your father's behavior toward them. There could be a lot of denial going on, unless you were the scapegoat and the only one he chose to control.

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No he changed after a couple months of dating. He started telling me I couldn't hangout with friends. He needed to be with me all the time I got kicked out because he would get upset if I left at night so I wasn't going home. I don't have a job because than "I will never see him, so what am I thinking?" My girlfriends tell me he changed once he knew he had me. Basically once I trusted him enough to sleep with him and once I stopped talking to one of my friends for him it fluctuated.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I see a future abuser just over his telling you who you can assicoate with...thats an unhealthy control issue. It might not be abuse yet...but its not too far from it.

Sure he might grow out of it...or he might get far worse.....just know most guys don't think like that....and also understand...everyone makes a few bad choices before they make the right one. And we would never know who the right one was... if we didn't date a few toads along the way.

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That's true. It's just scary.

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Originally Posted by Mina90

No he changed after a couple months of dating. He started telling me I couldn't hangout with friends. He needed to be with me all the time I got kicked out because he would get upset if I left at night so I wasn't going home. I don't have a job because than "I will never see him, so what am I thinking?" My girlfriends tell me he changed once he knew he had me. Basically once I trusted him enough to sleep with him and once I stopped talking to one of my friends for him it fluctuated.

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A good counselor will help you figure out and be able to set boundaries with people. And yes, there are great guys out there who will love you and value you for who you are. But first, you need to find out who you are for yourself. Then you will be able to set those boundaries and be able to project confidence so others don't run roughshod over you. You need to learn how to say no.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

A good counselor will help you figure out and be able to set boundaries with people. And yes, there are great guys out there who will love you and value you for who you are. But first, you need to find out who you are for yourself. Then you will be able to set those boundaries and be able to project confidence so others don't run roughshod over you. You need to learn how to say no.

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I'm trying to find a good counselor. The ones I've gone to don't help at all.

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Originally Posted by Mina90

I'm trying to find a good counselor. The ones I've gone to dont help at all.

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I don't know why they aren't helping, so be sure to check with Catholic Charities etc. as I had posted earlier. You don't have to be Catholic to get into counseling, nor will they preach to you. The same is true of Lutheran Social Services. I've worked with both organizations, so I know what I say is true. May I ask your general location?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I don't know why they aren't helping, so be sure to check with Catholic Charities etc. as I had posted earlier. You don't have to be Catholic to get into counseling, nor will they preach to you. The same is true of Lutheran Social Services. I've worked with both organizations, so I know what I say is true. May I ask your general location?

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Yes Riverhead NY, I really appreciate your help trying to find me a counselor.

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Originally Posted by Mina90

Yes Riverhead NY, I really appreciate your help trying to find me a counselor.

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Is this within your range? Give them a call and check them out.

Catholic Charities Mental Health Clinic
1727 North Ocean Avenue
Medford, NY 11763
(631) 654-1919

It's about a half hour to an hour drive I will check them out though thank you so much

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Originally Posted by Mina90

It's about a half hour to an hour drive I will check them out though thankyou so much

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Do a phone interview about cost and if they have counselors willing to work with you about this particular problem. Also ask if there are counselors closer to you or who will even come to your home. (That's what I did as a CC counselor--home visits and counseling).