Ask Me Help Desk - Lost sexual Attraction

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You have been given some excellent advice.

You say you want things the way they were (within reason.) I have a question for you: How much time do you spend together being 'lovers'? Cuddling, hand holding, talking about dreams of the future or sharing jokes, relaxing and letting the stress of daily life slip away? Is there affection, romance, etc. in your marriage or has it turned into a knot of responsibilities such as parenting, working, maintaining a home, trying to be healthy and keep the rest of the family healthy?

If this were an issue with the children or home, how would you handle it? Do you talk with each other and come to a solution or does one person take charge? Their decision is final?

Is he afraid of going through what his father did? It may be that he is concerned about his body, but is very scared. People can react in strange ways when they are afraid of something.

Thank you that's is a good point about father.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

My wifes nagging never prompted me to see a doctor. Quite the opposite, but a 5 day hospital stay changed my thinking and started a weight loss/exercise program.

Sad us guys are so stubborn and hard headed.

Sorry you went through that.
But I agree I'm soory men are that way. Don't understand why God made us so different when he want us in unity as one in marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

...

You missed the point completely. Reread that and think about the parts that didn't bruise your pride. I was trying to get you to think about things and talk to him and you're blathering on about how you've kept yourself in shape.

Look at the language you're using:

What does tell you about how you feel towards him? He's slothful and doesn't take care of himself. These are the feelings you have towards him. Disdain. That is the word I am looking for.

Going on:

Post fight sex is one thing but if there is a general disinterest from a partner then the likely hood of you trying is minimal. A thought. It isn't that his desire is now, but he knows of your disdain of him and since you don't like the way he looks you doesn't think you want to see him naked or be with him intimately.

I am not saying that weight gain doesn't hamper sexual activity. Knowing that your partner isn't into you does very much more.

Nagging doesn't help. Talking at him doesn't help. You seem like the passive aggressive type too. Regardless you know this doesn't work.

What he is hearing is that you think he is fat. You think he doesn't care about himself. More importantly he hears that you're not attracted to him and don't really 'fancy' him anymore. These aren't the words that you're using but what he's probably hearing. He isn't hearing that you're concerned about his health or welfare.

Talk WITH him. Don't talk AT him. There is a difference.

Does he know of your expectations of him? And don't say "We've been married long enough that he should know." That's bullsh!t.

If you wanted fluffy bunny, we agree, and he's horrible, type answers this is the wrong place to go. We're calling this as we see it and we're not neccessarily going to agree with you. You need a shift in your attitude. You have a bevy of issues you need to deal with and you're under the illusion that you're fine and he's the only one with work to do.

You are wrong totally about one thing.

I DO not think only has issues and I admit that to him openly.
Note I do know how to say I'm Sorry!!

And not looking for you to give me
Quote" fluffy Bunny Answers". Just don't appreciate being cut down when you have no idea what I am like or what I look like. That was just rude.

It is amazing that everyone who doesn't agree with you is rude and everyone who does (advice such from a person who can tell you both love each other, odd because your husband hasn't posted) is correct.

You are taking a very passive aggressive stance here and I agree with what was posted some time ago. You have issues in this marriage, and I'm not so sure the main issue is "his" weight and/or loss of sexual appetite.

"I am more concerned about my body than he is that is obvious but I'm not that much heavier than I was then ..." He probably thinks the same thing about his body. You are so busy defending yourself that you aren't hearing anything anyone says - other than advice you want to hear.

And, again, this started with his weight issues and suddenly it was about performance issues, too. You seem to have a need to degrade him while praising yourself.

I'll go back to my counseling suggestion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wife is trying

You are wrong totally about one thing.

I DO not think only has issues and I admit that to him openly.
Note I do know how to say I'm Sorry!!!

And not looking for you to give me
Quote" fluffy Bunny Answers". Just don't appreciate being cut down when you have no idea what I am like or what I look like. That was just rude.

You give us what you have. That is all that we have to go on. You're not painting, intentionally or not, a good picture of yourself and your interactions with your husband. So unless you can convince me otherwise, here is what I know about you.
1). You're equally brash and passive aggressive.
2). You concentrate on looks. Both your own and your partner's.
3). You are a yummy mommy. Someone everyone should desire. Some people go for Susan Boyle and others go for Twiggy. Just 'cause you think you're attractive doesn't mean that everyone does.
4). You have an ego the size of New Zealand. Too much pride to consider that you have had a small part to place in this drama. Too little humility to consider what has been said here to help you.

I am trying to get you to think outside of your little box and your Stepford like existence. I am trying to get you to come together and communicate with your husband. You're not doing this. The subtleties in what you write here scream that.

So I have one last exercise for you. If you refuse this than I am sorry to say that I can't help you because you REFUSE help. Re-read this thread and imagine that a complete stranger is telling you what you're telling us. Don't read in the details that you AREN'T telling us. Take from it what you are telling us. What does that tell you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

You give us what you have. That is all that we have to go on. You're not painting, intentionally or not, a good picture of yourself and your interactions with your husband. So unless you can convince me otherwise, here is what I know about you.
1). You're equally brash and passive aggressive.
2). You concentrate on looks. Both your own and your partner's.
3). You are a yummy mommy. Someone everyone should desire. Some people go for Susan Boyle and others go for Twiggy. Just 'cause you think you're attractive doesn't mean that everyone does.
4). You have an ego the size of New Zealand. Too much pride to consider that you have had a small part to place in this drama. Too little humility to consider what has been said here to help you.

I am trying to get you to think outside of your little box and your Stepford like existence. I am trying to get you to come together and communicate with your husband. You're not doing this. The subtleties in what you write here scream that.

So I have one last exercise for you. If you refuse this than I am sorry to say that I can't help you because you REFUSE help. Re-read this thread and imagine that a complete stranger is telling you what you're telling us. Don't read in the details that you AREN'T telling us. Take from it what you are telling us. What does that tell you?

Well I think your username says it all for you.
I'm done.

-- this proving "Craven's" point.

Another big waste of time trying to get someone who doesn't really want advice, just wants to vent, to listen.

If we're going to do plays on names (and I'm bouncing off OP) her screen name says it all - this wife is trying - very, very trying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

-- this proving "Craven's" point.

Another big waste of time trying to get someone who doesn't really want advice, just wants to vent, to listen.

If we're going to do plays on names (and I'm bouncing off OP) her screen name says it all - this wife is trying - very, very trying.

Bravo!!

Well said!

Judy, you are my kind of girl!

Wife is trying,
I'd suggest coming back after a while (a month or two) and reread the advice you got. It was great advice! I've been on the receiving end of advice too,it can sting. I didn't get the advice until I came back and reread it months later (when I wasn't so sensitive). If you hang around here and read advice given to others, you'll see that some people give great advice, they just never sugar coat it at all! It can come out harsh or like an attack on you, but that doesn't stop it from being great advice. In a way that's good because it sort of stops you in your tracks and makes you rethink how you've been dealing with a problem altogether. No one is saying you're a bad person. I think they just want to kind of jolt you into realizing you're being vain/ superficial, and you should just think about the situation in a different way. Try to look at your husband in a different way (appreciate what makes him attractive altogether, don't just focus on his belly). And take a different approach in how you talk to him about it.

You can't change him, he can only change himself if he really wants to. It's out of your control. After explaining your concern so many times it's just going to sound like nagging. You can only do so much. You pretty much have to accept him the way he is. Belly and all. You'll be much happier that way. If he get's healthy and fit eventually it'll be because he decided to. And it should just be a bonus that he looks more attractive.

I have gained quite a bit of weight in the past 2 years and I'm sooo thankful my husband still thinks I'm attractive (or acts like it enough for me to believe him!). I'm already really hard on myself, someone else being hard on me would not help. I've just started to really try to lose weight in the past few months, but it was completely my choice. I'm not doing it for other people. And trust me the few people that mentioned my weight (usually older people like my Grandmother), it would just really hurt my feelings and I avoided her at all costs (I asked her to stop mentioning it and she wouldn't). The last thing it did was motivate me to be healthy.

Greentree, you are one VERY impressive lady!

Wow thanks Judy!! That means a lot coming from you! :)