Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend watches Asian porn, but I am not Asian.

Quote:

Originally Posted by backpack2389

Is he using porn instead of having sex with you? Aka, did he promise you sex that night and then turn to porn instead. And, if so, would there be any good reason why he would have done that (time crunch, low energy, etc.,)?

He did promise me sex this weekend and pushed it off. He hasn't touched me much and when I ask if we will he says maybe or not now. Hes tired from work but has weekends off. He is playing videogames right now... It just makes me feel like he's not attracted to me when he makes that promise
And then does
Not stick to it

You are making the sex a chore he must perform, which takes away from the joy of it. No different than the man who feel he isn't getting it enough from his wife. You have been together only 7 months, and there are many adjustments to be made as you move from dating to living together.

Nothing happens without good communications and that means more than just talking and listening. It also means paying attention and learning about your partner and understanding their ways and how they react to the reality they are in.

Even though you have acknowledged how hard he works for you, and how well he takes care of you, you seem to be stuck on believing his porn habits, and his lack of servicing you is about his attraction for you. Its not. This is all about your own fears, and insecurities and how you handle yourself. I think it's a big mistake to make a big deal out of what could well could be a temporary but normal cycle of low sex drive for him, not unlike a females cycle at all.

So my suggestion is replace your fear with paying attention and tell yourself his habits are his, and nothing to do with you, and find ways to make adjustments that work for you. The more sex is an issue the more you ignore other areas of the relationship that needs work, like communications, and what you do with YOUR time.

I think if you were as busy as he is and had things you loved to do, this would at least be less of an issue, and you would have more things to share than you fear, and insecurity.

Don't feed the negative, the things you cannot control (him), feed the positive, the things you CAN control (you). It will give you a better understanding and perspective of what you are really going through which has NOTHING to do with HIM.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You are making the sex a chore he must perform, which takes away from the joy of it. No different than the man who feel he isn't getting it enough from his wife. You have been together only 7 months, and there are many adjustments to be made as you move from dating to living together.

Nothing happens without good communications and that means more than just talking and listening. It also means paying attention and learning about your partner and understanding their ways and how they react to the reality they are in.

Even though you have acknowledged how hard he works for you, and how well he takes care of you, you seem to be stuck on believing his porn habits, and his lack of servicing you is about his attraction for you. Its not. This is all about your own fears, and insecurities and how you handle yourself. I think its a big mistake to make a big deal out of what could well could be a temporary but normal cycle of low sex drive for him, not unlike a females cycle at all.

So my suggestion is replace your fear with paying attention and tell yourself his habits are his, and nothing to do with you, and find ways to make adjustments that work for you. The more sex is an issue the more you ignore other areas of the relationship that needs work, like communications, and what you do with YOUR time.

I think if you were as busy as he is and had things you loved to do, this would at least be less of an issue, and you would have more things to share than you fear, and insecurity.

Don't feed the negative, the things you cannot control (him), feed the positive, the things you CAN control (you). It will give you a better understanding and perspective of what you are really going thru which has NOTHING to do with HIM.

Maybe you are right. I have been in a bad relationship and maybe it has something to do with my insecurity. We have talked about it before and I don't feel the need to bring it up again to him. He told me that he woukd never hurt me the way others have and I believe it. In any case, I still do feel the fear. So maybe you are right and maybe I am scared because I absolutley want thjs to work. Its new to me.

I do a lot for him too, I know.. And I guess I didn't think about how I make sex feel like a chore. I noticed he is more attentive when I'm doing my own thing and having fun. I guess my issue isn't the porn. But does he really find me attractive or not. Even though he has told me I am.

I do love this man... And maybe everyone is right. Im scared of being hurt again... He is not the one who has but my insecurity is causing me to nit pick...

Does anyone have a story or any advice where they felt the same?

Also, what can I do to make him feel that attraction again? (not that its gone but when we first started, his attraction and sex drive where much higher)

Attractions, and sex drives waxes and wanes like the cycle of the moon. Same moon, just looks different from time to time. Sometime you see more, sometimes you see less, and sometimes you see it ALL yet sometimes you can't see it, but its still there in the sky. So it is with humans.

You will finally unpack your own baggage from past relationships, and be your happy positive self, and not have to worry about those attractions because you will be too busy enjoying the companionship, and appreciate the small everyday stuff that tells you he is still attracted, even without the sex.

Your fears, and insecurities are what keeps you from enjoying those little things NOW. Simply show gratitude for the small things, and not attitude for lack of the big things. They will come on their own, if you nurture those small things.

No worries.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Attractions, and sex drives waxes and wanes like the cycle of the moon. Same moon, just looks different from time to time. Sometime you see more, sometimes you see less, and sometimes you see it ALL yet sometimes you can't see it, but its still there in the sky. So it is with humans.

You will finally unpack your own baggage from past relationships, and be your happy positive self, and not have to worry about those attractions because you will be too busy enjoying the companionship, and appreciate the small everyday stuff that tells you he is still attracted, even without the sex.

Your fears, and insecurities are what keeps you from enjoying those little things NOW. Simply show gratitude for the small things, and not attitude for lack of the big things. They will come on their own, if you nurture those small things.

No worries.

Thank you. He does tell me he loves me and he will never hurt me and that he does want me around. I will do ny best and trust in him. I kniw he is a good person and he sees that in me as well. I will take the advice given. It won't be easy at first, I still have a lot to learn. I just hope that despite his
Habits, he still finds me desirable, sexually abd emotionally.

Thank you :-)

He seems really upset and atandoffish right now. Its Monday and he got off Work seeming this way.

We all can have bad days at work, or anywhere for that matter.

Most men who are attracted to asian women [and aren't asian themselves] are attracted to the "child-like" look of these people. They may not all be pedophiles or have pedophiliac fantasies. But at least they find the vulnerability and "innocent" look attractive. I guess it a "man" thing. Men from other cultures aren't swooning to them so they go to the ones who look like they would swoon. Not to mention how these women don't seem to be very picky when it comes to white men.