Ask Me Help Desk - No one is perfect but how much do you compromise on the sex in a marriage?

As you continue to see this fellow you will find out many things about yourselves that doesn't quite mesh, and may well become annoying to each other. I think its too soon in the process of learning how to talk and understand each other to be discouraged, but not to take note of the things you cannot, or should not change and after 3 month the sex may be great, but certainly not perfect.

If this is not an obstacle that can be overcome then what's the point in even thinking long term at this time. I mean who thinks long term after 3 months? That's not practical since this is supposed to be just the honeymoon any.

You are lucky because most ignore or never learn as much about the conflicts between couples until much later and already too late. You have recognized a sticking point and in all fairness should never commit to anything deeper than what it is now. Moving in is certainly premature and foolish because until his good points far outweigh the bad, seems he ain't that great as a long term partner any way.

Sexual incompatibility after 3 months has always made me cautious, and reluctant. Sometimes you have to quietly back off and see what happens without ultimatums, anger, or insult. I am a guy and I value honesty over ego, and if I wasn't open to satisfying my female the way she wants, what would be the point?

We can be friends but not an exclusive couple which is real simple. My advice is keep talking but don't give him not one extra day that he isn't worth, because people seldom change unless they want to. How do you think long term when short term isn't doable?

Red flag when they are not willing to explore and experiment unselfishly while they get their own rocks off. The next time he brings up the rather lame excuse of you not being able to orgasm so what's the point, make sure he understands why and screw his fragile ego. That would be the honest approach.

Good sex shouldn't be so hard should it? Never let a partner get away with short changing your needs without a better reason than he has given. Why make his problems and issues yours after just 3 months?

That's another red flag NOT to be ignored by the fantasy of his future potential.

Just make sure it doesn't turn into a one way street. By that I mean you always going down on him. He needs to learn to reciprocate.

I'm not sure if you had mentioned previously, but does he use his fingers to stimulate your clitoris? I know you said toys, but what about his wet fingers?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

just make sure it doesn't turn into a one way street. By that I mean you always going down on him. He needs to learn to reciprocate.

I'm not sure if you had mentioned previously, but does he use his fingers to stimulate your clitoris? I know you said toys, but what about his wet fingers?

Fingers, yes, with lube or saliva, and without anything. This definitely gets the blood pumping before intercourse but I've never been able to orgasm during intercourse due to a man stimulating my clitoris.

It's easier than all of this discussion makes it appear: Go down on me.

I'm discouraged. I don't really want to talk about it with him anymore, although maybe I just need to figure out how to give it a rest in my head before we talk about it again.

Separately, no, I don't go down on him as much as I normally would with a boyfriend... nor as much as I would like to because as hard as I try not to think about it, I'm sometimes a tad resentful. It's funny. It's not really a conscious decision to not go down on him but, either way, I have found that I don't do it very often. Usually, in a relationship, I'm down there a lot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1BestFriend

I will look into a dental dam, but see my comments above about it making me feel 'undesirable'. He even made a comment one time about that part of a woman being 'dirty', or something like that. He tried to use soap to clean inside me one time when we were in the shower (not having sex - just showering together), which will either cause me a lot of irritation or even a UTI or yeast infection.

Oh that would bother me if he said something like "that part of a woman is dirty". Okay it would piss me off! I respect if a guy is not into something. But to be not into it because it's "dirty"? I would want to know why he thinks that. I wouldn't just chum it up to being raised a certain religion and southern. (I know that can be the case.. I'm Catholic and live in the South) but someone has to really teach you that to think that way. Did his parents tell him that? Or I wouldn't be surprised if he had a bad experience with a past girlfriend. Maybe he tried it and she had an infection or something and he never wanted to try it again.

I knew a guy that had a girlfriend that would never use soap down there.. he use to love giving oral sex but that girlfriend turned him off to it. He tried to get her to actually use soap but she refused. So he wasn't into it with her. So maybe your b/f dated someone who didn't have good hygiene and he figured all women smell like that? That is really ignorant for him to try to get you to put soap inside you! Not cool. I hope you told him something? I would have gone on a spiel about my vagina for a good 30 minutes! Vaginas are self cleaning on the inside and beautiful! And cleaning it on the outside is all you need to do. At the same time I'd tell him I'm not at all trying to convince him to give oral, just that he is very wrong about it being "dirty".

I get what you're saying about a dental dam possibly making you feel like you're unattractive or "something's wrong" with you down there. But you know that's not true. I think if you could let those type of thoughts go and let yourself get into it, you might end up really liking it. If it were me, I admit I might be a tad embarrassed at first (just cause having a "barrier" down there would probably seem odd) but if it started to feel really good and he was okay with it then I'd start to enjoy myself! I mean if he gets to bring you to orgasm that way then he might get into it. Maybe he'd even give it a try eventually without the dental dam (I wouldn't count on it or ever push it) but hey, you never know. Like maybe he would decide to try it on his own one day. Especially if you could eventually get down to the bottom of why he feels the way he does about it being "dirty" and convince him it's not! What was his bad experience or what was he taught about it. But at the same time you're trying to ask, make sure you tell him your not trying to convince him to do it, you just want to understand. And I don't know about you but I like to stand up for my vagina! If my husband thought my vagina or all vaginas are dirty, he wouldn't hear the end of it from me!

I don't always have the best approach though. Lol To back off about it for a while is probably a good idea, and when you do bring it up again talk about it calmly and carefully. I think a guy can change his mind about things and change his habits but he has to want to and it takes time.. and the right way for you to go about it! That's my opinion anyway. Just saying I think it's possible.

Oh yea and when he says he doesn't want to have sex cause you don't orgasm, do you tell him how much you enjoy it even though you don't orgasm? It's still very pleasurable for you and you feel really close to him. Cause him saying that is a bit of a hit to your ego I would think. It puts extra pressure on you to orgasm (which never helps). Whether he wants to believe it or not, something like 80% of women don't orgasm from penetration. So he shouldn't make you feel bad for that, it is really normal. If he doesn't believe you he can look it up!

Yes, I have told him many times that I immensely enjoy having sex with him even if I don't orgasm. But the truth is that it can't go that way forever, all the time.

At his request, and my desire, I have practically been living at his house for the last six weeks, until last Thurs. I came home since we had been bickering like crazy for about three weeks. I'm sure that the lack of sex and all the baggage that came with it was the underlying cause of the bickering - not to mention that without physical affection and sex, there is no chemical bonding going on or any other type of bonding.

He has brought me to orgasm once during intercourse, and, I think, three times with his hand, after which we continued on to have intercourse. The last time was on Wed night. He has made a habit of usually having sex with me the night before I go home. It was kind of sad, though, because it was obvious that he had very little interest in the intercourse part even though it felt really awesome to me.

I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I needed some space to untangle things in my head. I did not call him for a couple of days because the last time I spoke to him on Saturday and mentioned something about us figuring things (things overall... meaning the bickering, not mainly the sex) out so we could move forward in our relationship, his response was "Have a nice day, G". I was stunned at being dismissed like that and asked if he had heard me. His response was to actually yell at me over the phone that now was not the time, when he had his car running in the driveway and he was going to the store.

I didn't know the car was running and I didn't mean that I wanted to talk about it 'now'. Either way, yelling at me with so much anger put me in my cave and I was unable to answer the phone when he called two days in a row; and then again this morning. I was hurt and, in all honesty, he sounded so angry on Saturday that I was concerned that if we didn't breathe for a couple of days that we would break up.

Well, he called this morning and I couldn't answer. I realize this was not the right thing to do, and I should have called him back immediately. Instead, I texted him to convey that I was afraid to talk to him after he had been so angry on Saturday, and I was confused. I guess I was hoping for some encouragement to communicate because he has done this for me in the past when I get nervous about communicating (a whole separate topic). Instead, he sent me back a really snide text and did not respond to my follow-up text. I tried to call him twice and he would not answer.

I listened to his last voicemail and it said that I had gotten my message across and Good Luck to me. Since he would not answer my two calls, I texted him to ask if his voicemail meant that he was walking away from the relationship, and to assure him that was certainly not my intent over the last couple of days. No response so I guess I learned my lesson about going too fast in a relationship.

Amazing that it took me 47 years to learn this lesson. It's too bad and very sad. I feel that if we had taken the overall relationship a little more slowly that we could have figure out the sex stuff, given time.

Or maybe you were incompatible in the first place given the lack of communication and inability to resolve your issues. But now you know, so if cooler heads don't prevail when the dust has settled, then better luck with the next guy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

I wouldn't just chum it up to being raised a certain religion and southern.

Sorry, maybe I was unclear. This was in reference to a previous boyfriend, the only other man I've ever slept with that didn't dive right in down there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

...but someone has to really teach you that to think that way. Did his parents tell him that? Or I wouldn't be surprised if he had a bad experience with a past girlfriend. Maybe he tried it and she had an infection or something and he never wanted to try it again.

I don't know. He seems to have quite an active dating life over the last several years. The first time we talked about it he made a comment about smell and taste. Now that I think back, he did flip me into 69 two times. Once not for long and with me on top. This position is more distracting for me than anything. I went along and enjoyed having him in my mouth, of course, but it didn't really do much for me. The second time, I was in a bad position and was sliding off the bed. Instead of letting me re-arrange and continue, he just stopped... even though I was really close to having an orgasm. It was like that was all he could stand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

I knew a guy that had a girlfriend that would never use soap down there..he use to love giving oral sex but that girlfriend turned him off to it. He tried to get her to actually use soap but she refused. So he wasn't into it with her. So maybe your b/f dated someone who didn't have good hygiene and he figured all women smell like that? That is really ignorant for him to try to get you to put soap inside you!! Not cool. I hope you told him something? I would have gone on a spiel about my vagina for a good 30 minutes! Vaginas are self cleaning on the inside and beautiful! And cleaning it on the outside is all you need to do. At the same time I'd tell him I'm not at all trying to convince him to give oral, just that he is very wrong about it being "dirty".

Yeah, I typically use a hand-held shower thingy and gently wash inside but soap up there is unnecessary and will throw off a woman's natural chemical balance, making us prone to UTIs or bladder infections. Either way, I'm very hygienic down there. I even keep a hand towel of my own in the bathroom so I can wash after going to the bathroom... just in case I'm lucky enough for us to actually get naked.

No idea where a man who claims to be a 'pervert' got such a prudish approach to oral sex or such a weird idea about vaginas being dirty. (He's not a pervert. I really like sex and he joked with me one day about me being a pervert and in the course of the joking conversation I asked how he could tell and he responded because he is, too.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

To back off about it for a while is probably a good idea, and when you do bring it up again talk about it calmly and carefully. I think a guy can change his mind about things and change his habits but he has to want to and it takes time..and the right way for you to go about it! That's my opinion anyway. Just saying I think it's possible.

I definitely backed off - I wasn't high pressure about the oral sex thing in the first place - but the lack of sex became the 500 pound gorilla in the room that was hard to completely ignore. When we did talk about it, he was stuck on the fact that he thought I was saying that the only solution was for him to go down on me. I kept saying that was not correct and, hey, why don't we just spend some time naked, fooling around and trying stuff out. He said that sounded like a good idea but he never took me up on it.

I do not believe that this is a habit that he would change in the near-term, and he didn't seem willing to try other things. He said that he tried the CAT technique one time, but I told him that I though that we hadn't even had sex since I had showed him (while semi-clothed) what the movement is. This was very confusing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

Oh yea and when he says he doesn't want to have sex cause you don't orgasm, do you tell him how much you enjoy it even though you don't orgasm? It's still very pleasurable for you and you feel really close to him. Cause him saying that is a bit of a hit to your ego I would think. It puts extra pressure on you to orgasm (which never helps). Whether he wants to believe it or not, something like 80% of women don't orgasm from penetration. So he shouldn't make you feel bad for that, it is really normal. If he doesn't believe you he can look it up!

Damn right there was pressure on me to orgasm. Ironically, last Thurs when he got me off with his hand - which, I'm sorry, is not nearly as satisfying but I was fine with it for now - I was able to orgasm because he kept telling me to just relax. We were in bed, he was behind me and he was half-asleep. I finally stopped rubbing my body against his to show that it felt good (although at one point he stopped because he interpreted this as me having stopped responding), and I just let my mind and body relax - and I had an amazingly intense orgasm for a hand job.

But, like I said above, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Who the h*ll knew that a grown, 44-year old man could go from I love you and "When I marry you..." to walking away in three and a half months. This was the first time since I was in my 20s that I really truly could picture life with and growing old with a man.

My heart hurts...

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Or maybe you were incompatable in the first place given the lack of communication and inability to resolve your issues. But now you know, so if cooler heads don't prevail when the dust has settled, then better luck with the next guy.

I know that you could be right. We seemed to communicate pretty well in the beginning, even when I was having trouble coming out of my cave. I was single and hardly dated for four years (by choice)due to having had a couple of really bad relationships and breakups. I would get scared of his I love yous and When I marry yous, and he would gently but firmly bring me out to communicate with him about what was going on in my head. I used to be a very open communicator until I had three boyfriends in a row cheat on me, including one that lied to me about wanting to marry me.

I guess he was fine with communicating when he felt like he was the 'better' communicator because I was afraid of falling in love and would hide. But when it came down to actually talking about things and trying to resolve them, he would usually turn to generalizations, get angry, and withdraw from the conversation.

Get on top. Control the amount of penetration and maximize your own clitoral stimulation. If you do not have an orgasm, neither should he be able to do what feels best for him.

Give and take. And know yourself and what to ask for.

Banging may sound great in romance novels and apparently feels good to most men. It actually works for me as a fun thing, but does not cause orgasms.

Does he know how to find and stimulate your G-spots and clitoris with his fingers? Does he fully understand female physiology?

I have asked men if they knew where a woman's pee comes out. If they could not answer correctly, a whole lot of education was called for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

The mark of good long term relationships is communicating and compromising. If good sex is what you want and he cannot deliver then you have to weigh the good and the bad and make a decision, or solve your own sexual problems alone.

For sure if there are no conversations about it maybe 3 months is too soon to worry about the future of your sex life. Or maybe you are more into the sex and orgasm thing than he is. See what happen and if you can deal with him being the way he is.

Few change that much, so soon. I wouldn't make plans until the problems had resolution. Or you both have unpacked your past baggage. No hurry is there?

We do have conversations about it. If I implied that elsewhere that wasn't my intention. However, 'conversations' about it don't seem to go anywhere. He's either just depressed or angry about it. He's not angry or depressed because I b*tch at him about it, which I don't... he's angry and depressed over his own ego response.

No, the sex and orgasm part ARE important to him. He f'ed my brains out several times in the first few weeks we were dating. The sex was bangin', my eyes rolled back in my head, and he was seriously into it. The fact that I know how hot it can be only makes it that much worse that he won't even have sex with me now.

Overall, I was not that worried about the sex and tried to get on board with his statement that it would get better with time - until he stopped even trying to bring me to orgasm and then stopped having sex with me at all. We just went 2 1/2 weeks without sex, sleeping in the same bed naked. This might not seem like a long time to some people. But I've been in some long-term relationships in my life, including 8 1/2 years; 5 years; and 3 yrs. and I've never gone that long without sex in a relationship unless my partner was out of town.

I realize as I write this that most of our bickering is, in fact, about the complete lack of physical affection and intimacy. Or at least the vast majority of it.

As far as compromising, as far as just about everything else, we do pretty good at compromising on the few things that we have come across.

But, yes, I agree. I can't make any more significant plans or decisions based on the relationship until we get past this.

Thanks for the input.

Quote:

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Get on top. Control the amount of penetration and maximize your own clitoral stimulation. If you do not have an orgasm, neither should he be able to do what feels best for him.

Give and take. And know yourself and what to ask for.

Banging may sound great in romance novels and apparently feels good to most men. It actually works for me as a fun thing, but does not cause orgasms.

Does he know how to find and stimulate your G-spots and clitoris with his fingers? Does he fully understand female physiology?

I have asked men if they knew where a woman's pee comes out. If they could not answer correctly, a whole lot of education was called for.

Me on top in the position that works for me does not work for him. His erection seems to wanes if I try to lay on top of him and basically do CAT with him on the bottom. Meaning, laying on him and sort of sliding back and forth; not sitting up and moving up and down. This results in g-spot and clitoral stimulation. This only seems to last for about 20 seconds before he loses interest in that position.

Bangin' sex is pretty great but, no, it doesn't cause orgasms for me, either. But I'd still like to have bangin' some sex, too!

Yes, he knows where my clitoris is and has masturbated me to orgasm about three times. But as far as I can recall, I don't remember a guy ever being able to rub my while having intercourse and having it work. It usually results in a very awkward position, and it definitely doesn't work if I'm sitting up while on top. I think I really need that g-spot stimulation and some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, which is why CAT works for me. I have tried to get him into positions where I'm getting both, and it just never seems to work for him.

Anyway, I feel like I'm kicking a sleeping horse and hoping that it's not dead.

(Sorry, terrible analogy.)

1BestFriend,

Well it sounds like in some ways things have gotten better (or there has been more experimenting). But at the same time it's grown into a bigger issue (especially because he doesn't want to talk about it). I know how it is to have different libidos in a relationship. But it really sounds like you are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. You could have sex once or twice a day, he probably about once a week, or sometimes less? That's a pretty big gap.

That doesn't mean it can't work but you both have to REALLY want to be together and both really try everything to make it work. It sounds like he's just angry lately and has basically given up.

I don't think the sex/ intamacy should be this problematic so early on. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. I mean it's only been 4 or 5 months?

It sounds to me it probably isn't going to work out. But that could be a great thing for you in the long run. You never know who you might meet next!

I don't know, only you know what feels like the right choice. I hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide. If you don't mind, keep us updated.