Ask Me Help Desk - Husband masturbation

Actually TheGoodWife... while a few guys might preffer that (very few actually) to a woman... the vast majority would preffer a female... (except the gay guys, and they would preffer a guy) to their hand. I'd venture a guess the numbers of women with absolutely no sex drive for any of a number of reasons would be far higher. Same with the numbers of women who are incapible of masturbating themselves to "a happy ending" as well is likely far higher.

I'm a guy... so I understand the guys perspective on this. And being 50, I've got a pretty seasoned perspective on this.

The big variable here is WHO they might have it with... and the infidelity rates among men AND women alone would indicate what I just said.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Actually TheGoodWife....while a few guys might preffer that (very few actually) to a woman...the vast majority would preffer a female....(except the gay guys, and they would preffer a guy) to their hand. I'd venture a guess the numbers of women with absolutely no sex drive for any of a number of reasons would be far higher. Same with the numbers of women who are incapible of masturbating themselves to "a happy ending" as well is likely far higher.

I'm a guy.....so I understand the guys perspective on this. And being 50, I've got a pretty seasoned perspective on this.

The big variable here is WHO they might have it with....and the infidelity rates amoung men AND women alone would indicate what I just said.

And if his woman starts ragging on him about masturbation and isn't she good enough for him and her pushing him into a corner and forcing him to lie to her about what he does for a few minutes to get quick satisfaction during some private time, maybe she's not the right woman for him after all.

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Originally Posted by Thegoodwife

Hi skinnydippin. Thanks for your reply. It's really sad that your ex was like that. And despite what craven has said, if the reason your marriage broke down was because he preferred to masturbate rather than get intimate with his wife then the breakdown was his fault!
Craven, just because you watch porn/masturbate and manage to keep your sex life in order with your partner, does not mean that that applies to all men. Some men definitely PREFER the easy option of a quick 5 minutes with their own hand in front of porn, rather than the effort and intimacy involved in making love to their partner.

And you can say that from that blurb? Honestly? Testify in front of your god? Right hand on bible and everything?

Many people have a problem with personal accountability. Take for example an errant student in the educational system. Forty years ago he would be reprimanded and possibly held back a grade. It was up to the student to recognize and fix the problem. Today the teacher is reprimanded and forced to pass this student. The student hasn't learned cause and effect with his bad behavior. This has lead to a sense of entitlement in our generation. I am only a year younger than you.

A lot of people have a very hard time identifying themselves as the source of the problem. It is hard to take accountability. It is far easier to blame an external source than yourself. I catch myself doing it myself. I fence. When I get beat find myself blaming all sorts of things rather then the fact that I messed up or I wasn't as good as I should have been.

This has come up in relationships. I have a failed marriage. My wife left me. I am still baffled as to what happened. I know I did wrong with that. I worked through it with a Psychologist. I took my fair share of blame with that. I had another long term relationship that ended the same way. Trust me when I say that I explored a good number of bottles figuring all this out. I had to take my blame. I moved on and am working for a better life. I actually spend time talking to the psychologist about my porn and masturbation. I am as open talking to him as I am here. He pretty much confirmed my thoughts and ideas. Take that with a grain of salt.

So this situation that was posted and I responded to isn't as simple as you think it is. It never is. There are a few things in your pity party here that you are missing as well. She cheated on him. She went out and had sex with another man. Porn or not there is no excuse for this. There is nothing that he could have done to warrant this. That is the main reason the relationship probably died. What was her options? Go to counseling? Go talk to a priest? Talk to him? Or go get f**ked? Which one did she go with? I don't mean to be harsh but that is what she posted and that is all we know. She should have ended that marriage before allowing another in her matrimonial bed.

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Originally Posted by Thegoodwife

Without sex between couple, you are no more than just close friends or housemates.

I understand what you are saying but I wonder if you do. What you have said in this sentence is that if a couple stops having sex they don't have intimacy and affection. This isn't true.

There are couples who can't have sex or their intercourse is extremely limited by many factors. They still love each other and still share a bond of affection and intimacy that many overly sexual couples don't have.

What kills a relationship is lack of communication. If you can't communicate on a mature level with your partner about anything in the relationship (sex included) then there will be issues and you will grow apart. There isn't anything holding you together. The same thing if sex is your only form of affection and intimacy.

I am going to remind you that hormones during pregnancy tend to be like adding jet fuel to a bonfire. (I well remember those days.) The issue may exist when you aren't expecting, but right now it won't take much to spark an inferno. So, deep breaths and when calm talk with him.

If the issue has been getting worse, it may be due to thoughts about the pregnancy or that there is a six year old who might interrupt. These are thoughts we sometimes aren't aware of until we start talking about them.

As for what the women in porn look like or how they act, even in amateur videos they are actors playing characters and getting direction. If you want a good perspective on it, watch a behind the scenes video. Fifteen takes just to stop laughing long enough to get a pair of underwear off. Someone off camera yelling every few seconds about how to move and where. When you look behind the curtain, the fantasy starts falling apart.

You haven't said how far along your pregnancy is, but I am going to suggest (if you haven't already thought about it) taking Lamaze classes. Not only does it help with pain management, but it teaches you how to relax when least feel like it and gives you another way of being intimate with your husband in a non-sexual way.

Hi synen. That's a good way of describing It to me. I'm going to try and look at it that way.
I am trying to work on my jealousy and control issues too because I don't want to continue like I am.
Thank you also cat and craven. I always appreciate your replies and even though you don't agree with the things I say, I can tell you are being sensitive towards me and I feel the support from everyone on here is great, even if harsh at times. You have given me some good train of thought.
Cat I'll look into that pregnancy recommendation. I've never heard of it. I'm 22 weeks now, have just found out we are having a girl. When I first posted on here I had done through about 3 months of what could be classed as depression. Probably due to my hormones, as it certainly tied in with the dates. I had just started to see things a bit clearly when I wrote in here and sought advice. I live in the Uk by the way & there doesn't seem to be anything lime this website in the Uk.
Craven I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I hope everything works out for you.

Lamaze has changed some since I took the class in the early 90's, but they still seem to have the main focus of building confidence and preparing the mother for childbirth (and beyond).

When I had my daughter the Lamaze Breathing techniques got me through the beginning stages of induced labor until they could give me an epidural. If you can't find a class, there are videos available on-line.

I also found relaxing with my husband and practicing the breathing were very intimate moments.

Welcome to our community where you will get the advice you need. Okay so it may not be what you thought it would be or originally wanted, but it will be the advice best suited for you.

By the way, congratulations. If there are any other questions you have, just ask. We don't diagnose but we will do our best to help you find the answers you need.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thegoodwife

Without sex between couple, you are no more than just close friends or housemates. (

Let's hope neither you nor your husband even becomes ill or incapacitated. You will then learn all about love, sex, close friends/housemates.

Sad, indeed.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

Right hand on bible and everything?.

I suppose it depends on whether you are "using" your right hand at the time. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Thanks cat :-) xx
Haha judykay, the intentional pun made me smile.
However, I did not mean the kind of scenario you described. I meant a relationship where both parties are able to perform intercourse, but where one party has prefers a quick fix by themselves.
God forbid anything to happen to my husband or I, but if it did, I would 100% stand by him in every way and if it was I that was unable to perform, I would continue to take care of his needs even if he couldn't return the same.
We are very affectionate and loving towards each other.
I am very affectionate and loving towards my son, sister, mother, friends etc also. The difference between that type of affection and loving and of that with my hubby is that I go on to make love to him.
My ex definitely preferred to masturbate rather than make love. It was his problem, not mine. After 8 years we became totally sexless, after 10 years we were more like close friends/brother & sister or housemates. I could have stayed with him but I did not want a sexless life at age 28 and I therefore ended it. He wasn't unable to perform, he just preferred masturbation & porn and that made him unable to get an erection or reach climax with me.
That is sad, sad indeed!
Yet when I told him we were over, he came onto me, asked for sex '1 more time'.. Said he wanted to show me that he could satisfy himself and me with it. But it was too late, I had fallen out of love with him because of his neglect towards me over the years. Therefore I couldn't have sex with him on that occasion as it would have been like having it with a friend, rather than a partner. All the times he shoved me away or lost an erection yet went on to masturbate to porn led to that result.
I'm not saying my hubby or all men are like that, I'm just explaining that some are and also this is why I am like I am today (-As well as my hubby's 'indiscretion' with the 'sexting' that I mentioned in my original post).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thegoodwife

Thanks cat :-) xx
Haha judykay, the intentional pun made me smile.
However, I did not mean the kind of scenario you described. I meant a relationship where both parties are able to perform intercourse, but where one party has prefers a quick fix by themselves.
God forbid anything to happen to my husband or I, but if it did, I would 100% stand by him in every way and if it was I that was unable to perform, I would continue to take care of his needs even if he couldn't return the same.
We are very affectionate and loving towards each other.

My late husband was seriously ill for over five years - I saw a lot of people walk away from their partners. One of the reason was the decline - or lack - of intercourse.

Before he went on dialysis I had to be interviewed by a Social Worker because the facility realized it was going to be a long and rocky road.

I hope you mean what you say.

Sorry to hear about your late husband judykay. Yes I meant every vow I made when I got married.

Thanks, but that's not why I posted it. I found a lot of marriages with "issues" broke up when one or the other party got sick. It was amazing to me, absolutely amazing. I don't know that, unless you've been through the experience, you realize that a long-term illness brings out the best and the worst in both parties AND the marriage.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Thanks, but that's not why I posted it. I found a lot of marriages with "issues" broke up when one or the other party got sick. It was amazing to me, absolutely amazing. I don't know that, unless you've been through the experience, you realize that a long-term illness brings out the best and the worst in both parties AND the marriage.

And having sex in any way, shape, or form is the least of the issues the couple wants to think about. The last thing an ill partner (from a bad cold all the way to terminal illness) wants to think about is sex--receiving it or offering it.

Hi cat, smoothy, craven and others..
I've asked for more advice in the marriage category. I wanted to put it in the same category as this but I couldn't find it in the list and it recommended marriage. Any chance you guys could read and post if any suggestions come to mind?
Thank you.

It might be time to change some of your perceptions about porn, love and sex. Your experiences with your previous partner who had issues around porn and having actual sexual intimacy, your view of wanting a partner who doesn't ever masturbate and your current partner's sexting/cheating have further confused the issue...

First of all... not all men use porn to distance themselves from human partners or to REPLACE actual sex. Your previous partner had some issues which were independent of pornography (which he used as a tool to avoid actual intimacy) that's unfortunate but that is NOT the way a majority of men use porn. You say you know that intellectually... but I feel in your writing that you still hold on to those past experiences in your present relationship.

Men do not watch porn because they are in love with the women on the screen, or because you're not enough (even if you're "sexually available") or because your partner doesn't prefer visualising you. (believe it or not your partner might be thinking of nothing at all when looking at porn)

It's normal and healthy for adults of both sexes to masturbate. It doesn't mean that there is an issue with sexual connection between two people and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the quality of sexual connection in the primary relationship. Men use porn just as visualisation and stimulation --- your husband is not pouring over these images and replacing you with them. They're only used in the moment, to get aroused and get off, that's all.
(Unless you have other intimacy issues... which brings me to the next point)
You mentioned that you wanted your partner to stop the porn. -- This is controlling behaviour based in your fear, beliefs about sex and your past experiences. Trying to control hubby and stop him from masturbating or looking at porn will lead to lying and avoiding and disconnection from you -- that DOES have something to do with your intimacy and sexual connection to you as do other (many) issues that you have within your relationship; such as your obsession with your husband and his reactions and controlling those reactions.

The porn itself is not the issue. Those past experiences help you feel that way for sure (a rare partner who liked to masturbate instead of have actual intimate relationship) BUT -- you must make a choice to say, "My husband is NOT my ex!" and to let him be a different person. The sexting trust issue is harder to get past but like any infidelity, if you agree to stay with your partner you agree to make steps to move past it.

Your jealousy, trust and control issues are your attempt to keep your partner from straying and to assure that he loves you... (because of your previous experiences as well) -- but these qualities don't protect you and they create distance, disconnection.

If you can, try to separate porn from love and sex and you may be able to view your relationship differently and with different expectations. You say that you are "obsessed" with your partner and that you have only eyes for him... and that you expect him to feel the same way... but this might be setting you up for a fall and putting a lot of pressure on you to be all things to him.

You do not need to be available to your partner 24/7 - expecting yourself to fulfill all of his sexual needs is unrealistic and unhealthy. That doesn't mean that he needs to go out and have other external experiences but that does mean that he has the right to have ALONE time -- as do you. You have built the expectation that "well if he really loved me he'd only have eyes for me and never look at other people or get sexually turned on by 2 dimensional images."
Is this really fair?

Your spouse might have eyes only for you, feel that you have a bond that no relationship can replace and still find porn works to arouse him when he wants to be by himself (it doesn't take away from desire for you!)

Whether it's pregnancy, tensions, relationship problems or just insecurity physical intimacy is an important healing tool. You can make "touch" important (and listening, talking, etc.) and more import than your fears about masturbation and porn, past experiences, etc. and commit yourself to the present!