"You either trust him or you don't...checking isn't going to change your trust level"

It could. If you're suspicious about his/her behavior, look and find something, then that validates your reason to have been suspicious in the first place. If you're suspicious about his/her behavior, current activity, look and don't find anything, then that helps to put your mind at ease that maybe you were being a bit paranoid or that it was simply a coincidence that his/her shady behavior was nothing at all.

I... I really don't get what's going on. I'm about to be 27 next month, so maybe I just need a few more years to reach this zen level of having a relationship mentality of not being concerned if my girlfriend is out messing around on me. People cheat. It's in our nature. I'm sorry, but if I find my girlfriend doing some shady acitivities (keeping her phone on her 24-7, texting some individual at 2-3 in the morning, stepping outside to talk on the phone, lying about her whereabouts), that's going to make me suspicious. That's going to make me want to look through her phone and see exactly what's going on. If I find something, then I was right. If I don't find something I was wrong and that just makes my trust in her even stronger. I know that a grown person is going to do whatever they want at the end of the day, but at the same time I shouldn't just sit there and take it. A boyfriend or girlfriend at least owes the person who they claim to love the truth, a wife or husband isn't the only person who should be held accountable for their actions. So if my girlfriend was doing all of those shady, suspicious things (and my ex was), I was just supposed to ignore them because I'm supposed to trust her Even though she really was messing around? Interesting...

See... there's where you're wrong. If she is performing shady behavior, and you feel you MUST check to see what might be going on---YOU DON'T TRUST HER.

If she's got some unusual behavior going on, and you choose to NOT check on her--YOU TRUST HER.

End of story.

The very act of checking is validating distrust.

If you don't trust her, checking isn't going to make a bit of difference, because you're either going to feel vindicated in your distrust (because you find something) or you're going to feel guilty for your snooping and mistrust when you don't find something--but you're still not going to trust her, and you're going to just check AGAIN when you don't find something the first time.

Trusting someone means that you can communicate with them and believe them when they give you their version of events.

Not trusting someone doesn't mean you have to "sit there and take it"--in fact, if you don't trust someone, I suggest you leave the relationship, because snooping is NOT going to make the trust or the relationship any better.

Why would I just up and leave the relationship simply because I'm suspicious of her behavior? Being suspicious and just completely not trusting a person aren't the same thing. I don't trust her if I look through her phone and actually find some dirt, I'm suspicious of her prior to looking through her phone and not finding anything.

If she's texting on her phone at 2-3 in the morning, I think it's a guy, it could be her sister or close friend that needs to talk to her about something serious over the last few days. She steps outside to talk on the phone, I think it's a guy, she could be planning a surprise birthday party for me. I trusted her to the fullest, but at the same time I didn't and still don't put anything past anyone. Humans are capable of some really, really f***ed up things no matter how cute and innocent they may appear. Synnen, if your husband or boyfriend was exhibiting some shady, suspicious activity, you wouldn't get suspicious and care to do a little peek at his phone? Of course you can always communicate, but for some strange reason people who cheat also tend to not be the most honest.

"Trusting someone means that you can communicate with them and believe them when they give you their version of events."

You can believe them all you want, doesn't change the fact that they could be lying to you. A cheater can look you directly in your eyes and lie all day. I'd just rather make sure for myself that they're telling the truth than be played for a fool.

Hypothetical scenarios: My girlfriend calls me and needs me to wire her $300 to get her car fixed and then I find a receipt from a hotel room for the weekend in her name a few weeks later made out around the same time I sent her the money. I ask her about it and her excuse doesn't make sense, am I just suppose to remain blind and ignore it? I walk into our apt. and find a man's sock (not mine) hidden under our couch, I ask her about it and her answer doesn't make sense, am I just suppose to believe every thing she says without a care in the world?

There's a fine line in trusting someone and being a fool. I understand that you're saying that if you trust someone then you should believe them no matter what, all I'm saying is that no matter how much you trust your significant other, if you witness a handful of shady activity, any normal person is going to get suspicious.

[QUOTE=SentientAndroid;3031607Right is right and wrong is wrong. [/QUOTE]



Disgree - right is right and wrong is wrong in YOUR eyes. What is wrong to you may very well not be wrong to me. There is no blanket right/wrong.

You cannot judge someone else's behavior by your standards.

I'm as blunt spoken as it gets - you continue to describe outrageous behavior as "shady." At what point does behavior cross from "shady" to "outrageous?"

I'm an investigator - I would not snoop. You either trust or you don't. If you don't trust hire me (or someone like me) and find out the level of the inappropriate behavior.

Sentient--first, I trust my husband completely. I have all of his passwords, and he has mine.

That being said, I have NEVER--and I do mean NEVER--gone through his phone or his email.

If he's doing something weird, I ask him about it--and at the same time let him know my fears (if I have any). Multiple stories not adding up leads to distrust--but it's NOT going to make anyone feel better to check the phone or email or whatever. That stuff can be DELETED.

Checking does not EVER equal trust. Checking equals suspicion, and suspicion leads to distrust.

If you can't communicate honestly and with full trust--then YES, you SHOULD leave the relationship.

And let me just say this as well: I've been married a long time. I did date once upon a time, though, and it was in the computer age. If I had EVER caught a guy I was in a relationship with going through my email, my phone messages, my diary, whatever--he would have been kicked to the curb so fast his head would spin. Either trust me or don't, but don't be going through my stuff to validate your own fears. Those fears are YOUR problem, not mine, and if you can't trust my version of events, then you SHOULD leave the relationship.

Relationships are ABOUT trust. If you cannot implicitly trust the person you are sharing your life with, then you shouldn't be with that person. If you are suspicious, then confront the person--don't snoop. Yes, they could lie to you--but seriously, what does it say about your relationship if you either don't use your own logic (and NOT snooping) about facts that don't add up or you can never confront the other person with your fears and be relieved by the conversation?

Do people lie? Sure they do. But if you can't believe that she's going out with her girlfriends without checking on her constantly, or believe that the towing service is owned by the hotel--well, you have bigger issues about trust than are going to be resolved through checking up on her.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have noticed that this thread is becoming more of a discussion than giving advice. To give us a place to discuss the differences in each of our viewpoints, I have started a thread in Other Member Discussions.

Please feel free to continue the discussion here (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...ml#post3035191) if you would like to.

I hope greekchick comes back someday to clear up a few points.

@Judy, haha thanks, but I don't need to be an investigator to check my gf's phone and see a text stating "I love you" sent to a phone other than mine to know that something isn't right. If that isn't shady/outrageous/innapropriate behavior then I don't what is.

I agree with you that what I think is right or wrong may be vastly different from another person, but there IS a blanket understanding of what's right and what's wrong. If my ex and if greekchick's boyfriend felt that they weren't in the wrong then they wouldn't have hid it. I think we all can agree that the guy who strapped on a bomb and blew up a bus full of children was in the wrong... except for him I suppose.

@Synnen, "Those fears are YOUR problem, not mine, and if you can't trust my version of events, then you SHOULD leave the relationship." I just don't even know how to respond to this. Even if you were telling the truth about being in a room with a pogo stick, 2 french guys and a tub of oatmeal, you'd have to at least be able to see things from your mate's perspective that the story you told may be, just may be, hard for him to believe, truth or not. Also, ending a relationship isn't as simple as clicking a light switch on and off, especially if your just suspicious about this new guy or girl that your mate just so happens to be texting a lot lately. If it was then a woman in a physically abusive relationship wouldn't have allowed herself to be assaulted twice, let alone 10 or more times before she got out of it.

@Cat, you're right, this has greatly altered far from greekchick's question. I was just curious about the relationship outlook of Smoothy and Synnen. I'm not here to ruffle any feathers, just curious is all. I'm going make this my last comment on this topic/question.

I totally agree with SentientAndroid. I have a cell phone and lap top always in the open for my boyfriend as he does too. If he was to go for my phone and I say what the hell are you doing? That screams guilt. And vice versa! She has the right to look as he does to with her things. If they feel they need to look at all then address the problem that makes them want to check it!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CoruptedAngel

I totally agree with SentientAndroid. I have a cell phone and lap top always in the open for my boyfriend as he does too. If he was to go for my phone and I say what the hell are you doing? That screams guilt. And vice versa! She has the right to look as he does to with her things. If they feel they need to look at all then address the problem that makes them want to check it!

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I'm an investigator - the need to have some privacy in a person's life is not a sign of guilt.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm an investigator - the need to have some privacy in a person's life is not a sign of guilt.

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+1 on that as well... I'm not a terribly private person... but I HIGHLY value my personal space and privacy when I want it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CoruptedAngel

I totally agree with SentientAndroid. I have a cell phone and lap top always in the open for my boyfriend as he does too. If he was to go for my phone and I say what the hell are you doing? That screams guilt. And vice versa! She has the right to look as he does to with her things. If they feel they need to look at all then address the problem that makes them want to check it!

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I have to agree with Judy on this one. Everyone has the right to privacy. When it comes down to it. I don't like people going through my . Any of it. I don't snoop either. I have had free reign on my GF's computer and I don't look. I don't need to. I trust her.

It is more the idea behind it. When people snoop and look for something then it usually means that they've already made up their mind and are just looking for proof of their decision. They continue to test and test the person expecting them to fail. This behaviour pushes the couple apart and then eventually the person will fail and the snooper will be vindicated without realizing that the he set the person up so that all they could do is fail.

It isn't the snooping or finding it is the trust issues that cause the need for that level of control.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by greekchick65

I found them and I don't know what to do, on his phone on his laptop.. The pictures are of our friends and his con workers. For the second time now he has let me down.. What do I do?

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An old saying, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' You didn't specify what you meant by naughty pictures, but you said he let you down twice.
I'm assuming you didn't overreact, because you didn't specify what you meant by naughty pictures, but unlike a lot of the naysayers, I think occasional snooping is fairly normal behavior (as long as it is not obsessive), and if you actually find something suspicious it suggests you were getting a vibe that led to the snooping. It's hard to imagine what a reasonable explanation would be... I mean is he so attractive that all these women are just throwing themselves at him.
Bottom line, sounds like a losing proposition for you. Find a guy that's got a better sense of loyalty.

First after reading ( OK about 1/2 the posts) it appears the OP has not come back. Perhaps did not like what many had to say, But I will add there was a lot of assumptions, for one it said photos of female friends and co workers, we do not know that, it may have been just sexy photos, not nude, and it may have been photos of couples or men, we do not know.

I know a couple very juv men, who traded nude photos, ( some photo shopped ) to prove how large they are, they were very proud. Others send sexy couple photos out to lots of people. I had a couple friends even friends of one of my kids ( in 30s) who sent me somewhat sexy photos of them. Heck look at face book and I get 1/2 naked photos of lots of people all the time.

I will agree, the day you go to pick that phone up to look and check up, or the day you open their email, you may as well pack up and move out because you will keep looking till you find something because you want to find it.

I have a great friend, they are African American, they look for a racial issue any and every where they go, if service is bad at a eating place it is because they are black, ( not because it is just lousy service) That service may have been worst when I was there by myself, but to him, it is always bad because he is black. If someone does not want to give him a refund, or if he is over charged, it is because he is black, He wants to find it and he does, not because it is there ( not that it can not be at times) but because he wants to see it.

Dr. Lipton, my thoughts exactly! I just have an extremely hard time believing that a person wouldn't have the urge to do a little snooping if said partner was exhibiting shady behavior. I'm FAR from the type to really care what my girl and her guy friends text or talk about, I'm not the type to regularly check my girl's phone or emails... unless I feel the need to.

Example: I used to be able to pick up my ex's phone whenever I wanted to play Fruit Slice. I don't know exactly when it happened, but eventually a phone lock was placed on her phone and she started taking it everywhere with her, even to the bathroom :/ so what was I supposed to do, simply ignore the signs? I honestly think that a person who would blatantly ignore rather telling signs like that is being a fool.

"I will agree, the day you go to pick that phone up to look and check up, or the day you open thier email, you may as well pack up and move out because you will keep looking till you find something because you want to find it." Chuck, that simply isn't true, at least not for all of us. I would want to look to NOT find something and if I didn't find anything I'm relieved and let it go.

You're implanted with the idea that this person may be playing and being dishonest with you, so you get the urge to snoop and find out for yourself. You look through their phone to find out exactly what it is that they've been texting this person at 2 and 3 in the morning... on a school night :/ You find something, then you're reasons for snooping are validated, you're not crazy. If you don't find something, thank goodness, you were just tripping and it's all good.