Ask Me Help Desk - My Boyfriend Was Forced into Sexual Favors with a Man -

Listen, people make mistakes, people make bad decisions, it’s a part of life, and there not one person here and on this site who has not made bad decisions before. Yea, some are worse than others, but no one is perfect. If you think you can trust him again and love him you can move on from this. It would take counseling. But be prepared to find out that he may be gay or bi, or whatever. Yes what he did was wrong, but this was BEFORE you. He did these things in the past, and there's not ONE of these posters here who have not told another OP to leave the past in the past. Yes you need to be checked for STD's, yes you have every reason to not trust him right now, but if you love him, you can't let his past ruin your future. Do you deserve to be lied to? Nope, no one does. But I have to ask, do you love him, do you want to work this out, do you want a future with this man? Or are you looking for us to tell you--you should leave him? If so, take the actions to make things better, not only for him, but for you too. Or get out. Tell him that this is something you can’t move past, and you cannot love someone who has lied to you about such an important thing. You deserve better, and he deserves to be better for you.

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Originally Posted by justmeaskingu

It's on my mind. I'm making him pay for it. Thank you all so much. If I hadn't found this website, and you all hadn't taken the time to cared enough to respond, I don't know what I would've done. I appreciate your straight forward answers and support. How did I get twisted in this shiit?! My god... just when you think you know someone. Thank you again.

Having a good heart opens you up to this sort of thing. Usually it takes a few hard knocks like this one to learn that things usually ARE what they first appear to be and you didn't have a wrong first impression, And not be so quick to assume all people are a good inside as you might be. That first impression is more likely to be correct than any second or third guess would be.

People CAN change... but its rare without a near death experience being involved. The rest just lie and pretend. Usually at someone else's expense.

And just so you know... its not just you, deciding when to cut your losses and move on is rarely a simple or easy decision for anyone. Most of us have been there before, sometimes more than once.

Aurora Bell... if this was a part of his past, then this would be sooooo much easier for me to handle, and not a reason for me to be mad. He has been doing this behind my back at least once a month for the entire year that I've dated him. He'd still be doing this (more than likely, because he'd been doing this for six years now with this one guy) had the guy not found out my boyfriend had a girlfriend (found out about me), and out of jealousy decided to try and find me to tell me that my boyfriend was hist escort. The part that gets me is that I would drop my boyfriend off at his job thinking he had to work, or allow him to borrow my car while I went to work, and he would go to this guy, have dinner with him, and get paid to enjoy giving or receiving head.. . and he can't tell me why he did this other than that he is "self destructive" and he still claims he doesn't like guys at all. I told him if he's bi, he's bi... but that he can't cheat and lie to me, or anyone for that matter. This is difficult for me because he can't tell me the main reason why he did this again and again, ruining his self respect and three relationships; so how is it possible for him to determine why he wouldn't do it again? If he doesn't know why he did it, then how can he determine how to fill that void that caused him to return to this man to play escort again and again? He said he just liked being paid to be pleasured because this man knew just what to do when sucking him and the way he would touch his behind (sorry to get graphic here, but this is what I'm dealing with),. things he was afraid to ask for from a girl because he would be labeled "gay" and/or they would find out or assume that he learned this from a guy, or ask where he learned about it and would find out that he was cheating on them, so he never asked his gf's to do these things to him even though he enjoyed them. He decided it was better to try to cut corners to get ahead and accept this man's money and get off all at the same time. He said he had to watch straight porn while he had this male pleasuring him (knowing this man wanted more physically and emotionally & knowing he supposedly wasn't attracted to men in the first place), and then have the man would later threaten the lives of his friends and family (weeks later), along with threatening he would expose my boyfriend's lies if he seemed like he wasn't going to come back to play escort again. It's difficult for me to believe my boyfriend just liked receiving money and what the man was doing to him and that he didn't actually enjoy that a guy was doing it. After all, he did it to the guy in return... "for money."

Justme, it seems everyday you are getting more of the story and it just keeps getting worse.

As far as I am concerned this isn't about sexual likes and dislikes and being able to be open about them. For me, it is about the lying that he seems to still be doing. There seems to be a pattern of expanding on the truth as you come to accept parts of the story. For example: he hadn't heard from the man for about a year. Now, they were meeting up every month. I think you are still watching this unfold like a plot in a soap opera. Lots of twists and turns still to come.

The only thing I believe is that he may like anal play. He doesn't have to be gay or bi to enjoy having his prostate manipulated. It isn't uncommon among heterosexual males.

I think you need to walk away. Your line about 'making him pay' is a good reason. If you are staying in the relationship to be able to punish him, then you are damaging yourself. Take some time away from him and get your head back on straight without his influence. I think you will see things much clearer after you allow the confusion to dissipate.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and please, take care of yourself.

You keep mentioning that he still claims he doesn't like guys... that he "had to watch straight porn"... you may believe that, and I understand if you do, but I don't believe it. You don't understand how he could keep going back to this guy and losing his self respect... look at it objectively... he does like guys. He does. No straight guy is going to keep doing this (or wouldn't ever do it in the first place) if he didn't like guys. So he's bi at the very least... don't let him fool you into thinking otherwise.

Now, I understand that him being bi may not be an issue with you and really it doesn't matter if that is the issue. The real problem is the lying and the deceit. Originally when I read that you were going to stay with him I thought that it was good of you to try and work through this and that you were willing to accept that he may be bi... now, after reading your last few posts, it's clear that he has been lying to you all along, doing this behind your back. If he was doing this with a woman every month, you would be pissed and leaving him because he was cheating on you. So I ask... would you consider this cheating? I would. Still and all, if I was you, knowing what you know now, I'd be gone and not simply cause he's bi but because he lied and cheated on you.

Nobody could blame you for leaving him knowing all this.

Take care.

I didn't realize he was still doing this justme. I would definitely get rid of this guy. He's a liar! And even though he says he is not gay, he most certainly is. No one deserves to be lied to, or cheated on. It doesn't matter who he cheated on you with, but the fact that he cheated! Would you have stayed this long had it been an older woman he was giving/getting sexual favors from?

I am really sorry you are going through this, it's not easy. I hope you feel confident with the choices that you make. My advice, walk, run, fly get the heck out of there and don't look back.

Take care
Bella

He did it over and over again... money or no money... he obviously liked it.

I can possibly write off a one time event as "for the money"... but repeat performances... are only because he enjoyed it. Most guys wouldn't do it even once for any realistic amount of money much less chump change.

Besides NOW he is claiming... he was the one getting the knob polished vs vice-versa. Like that changes anything... well, it exposes him as a bigger liar.

Let me cue you in on something.

A guys antenna isn't going to raise if he doesn't get "in the mood" , a woman can perform if she isn't, A guy just can't. Two things a guy can't lie about... getting in the mood... and getting off (you know what I am speaking of here). Many women can and do lie about both all too often.

That means if he REALLY didn't like it... he could play a catcher... but he has to be into the game to play the pitcher.

Cat1864 - when I said, "MAKE HIM PAY" I actually meant that in response to what someone else had written about me going to the doctor to be checked. I meant I will be going to the doctor soon, and I'm making him pay the bill. Not that I'm making him pay for what he's done. Sorry about the confusion. Sometimes I'm in a hurry here to type a response.

Weird thing is, I think he's afraid of admitting he's bi, and secondly that he didn't consider it cheating (I guess because it was purely psychical, going on since long before me, and was a man... dumb logic!). I'm thinking there's some serious pyschological issues here, and that he's more than likely what online has described as a sociopath. I wish I could stay with him and believe him, but getting truth out of him was like pulling f-ing teeth. He wants help now and to do the right thing, but I guess people don't change easily. I'm hurt by every guy I'm ever with. I guess it's because I'm so easy going and nice and they think they can take advantage. It sucks. There's a part of me that thinks, well now he's realized I won't hate him for being open with me and maybe he will do what's right for himself by not doing things that harm him (mentally), that he'll surround himself by good people, and maybe never lie to me again... plus, if every boyfriend I've ever had lies to me, at least this one will now be honest with me now that the door has been opened, and I won't have to be blindsided again by a new lying boyfriend... or maybe people don't change and I'm setting myself up for it to happen again. I need a psychologist now!