Oh lol I know I'm a young guy (18), but trust me foreplay is where it's at. It's true, guys get WAYY turned on a lot faster than girls, give her time. If your really feeling up to it give her a masage, it drives them madd. Also trust me, don't try foolin around with her even a couple days after a fight or something, girls let stuff stick to there minds, even though you don't really know it she might still be in that fight with you in her mind 3 days later. So make sure you have a clean slate be4 you make a move lol. A tip on the masage though (If she's into that kind of stuff) the back of a girls legs are the most senseitive part of a woman's body, even if they don't know it. Have her lay down and masage the hell outa that, lol I know it sounds weird but just get into it, let her guide you. Really pay attention to her mood. Sorry if this really wasn't well thought out, I wrote this in like 4 minutes..

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Originally Posted by Guy14114

oh lol i know im a young guy (18), but trust me foreplay is where it's at. It's true, guys get WAYY turned on alot faster than girls, give her time. If your really feeling up to it give her a masage, it drives them madd. Also trust me, don't try foolin around with her even a couple days after a fight or something, girls let stuff stick to there minds, even though you don't really know it she might still be in that fight with you in her mind 3 days later. So make sure you have a clean slate be4 you make a move lol. A tip on the masage tho (If she's into that kinda stuff) the back of a girls legs are the most senseitive part of a womans body, even if they don't know it. Have her lay down and masage the hell outa that, lol i know it sounds weird but just get into it, let her guide you. Really pay attention to her mood. Sorry if this really wasn't well thought out, i wrote this in like 4 minutes..

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Re-read the OP's thread. He's done this already. Also, less chat talk. Spell things out and capitalize when necessary. It makes it easy to understand what you're saying!

Just because you're younger doesn't mean you're any less entitled to an opinion, based on experience or opinion.

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Originally Posted by Guy14114

A tip on the masage tho (If she's into that kinda stuff) the back of a girls legs are the most senseitive part of a womans body, even if they don't know it. Have her lay down and masage the hell outa that, lol i know it sounds weird but just get into it.

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Just a tip in return, women are all individuals and what is perfect for one may leave another cold. I'm long enough in the tooth to know my own hotspots and that's not top of the list for me. You're doing fine for someone who is 18 but do keep your mind open with every lady you meet in the future.

cometothis, have you tried humming while giving her oral?

I think there's been great advice given and I find the OP'er here to be incredibly open to ideas and suggestions... clearly, even if he is putting pressure on her to "perform" he is also attentive and giving.

If she wrote in and said her man gets his every time but she never does, I'm afraid id quickly label him as an uncaring lover who needs the boot. Clearly, he posted here out of need for information and a desire to help his lover find a better place.

You aren't wrong. She isn't wrong. Maybe you are wrong together?

I've had wonderful sex during which I didn't have an orgasm. I've had mediocre sex (mentally) that ended with a happy ending. I get your point. I've been where you are, sort of. One lover only came about half the time with oral and sometimes with penetration and even then more with manual stim. It happens.

The previous lover came all the time. All the time. Every time. It was a blast. And she wouldn't demand anything less. Of course this felt great and of course id hoped the same for every lover after her.

So... I'm not going to say you are wrong. Its natural to want to please your lover if you care about your lover.

But what will be wrong will be to stay and be upset. At some point, you accept things as they are to some degree... and that might mean you don't get the ego boost that comes with a partner satiated.

So... your concern isn't unwarranted. Her physical response isn't "wrong" and her choice to do to her body what she wants... its her choice. Yes... we plead over and over for young women to take charge of their sexuality... but her threshold of "good" might not be mine. Or yours.

Sorry you are in this place. Glad you posted.

Most relationships are built upon five major areas of commitment. Intimate touch, affirming words, quality time together, acts of service (doing tasks or other good work to help the other person), and gifts.

The most solid relationships have balance among there areas, even if one or two dominate.

The idea is that a table with five supporting legs is more stable than one with two or three... especially when life gets in the way.

So... she doesn't orgasm easily. k. you know this. If you choose to stay, you are OK with this.

I have been doing some more thinking about the communication issue.

I am wondering if she is closing down because she feels more like she is being given a lecture on what she should be doing instead of being part of a discussion about sexuality where her feelings are being heard and taken into account.

I think you mean well and do care about her needs. I am concerned that you are so concerned with what you see as a problem (her lack of orgasms) you are making it to where she doesn't feel comfortable discussing how she feels. IF and when she does tell you anything about what she likes/needs, how do you respond? Do you accept what she has to say and work WITH her or do you immediately go overboard trying to 'fix' the problem (trying to find a 'fix' if nothing else) even if she wants to go at a slower pace?

I am getting an impression from reading your posts that you are very serious about solving what you see as the problem. I am wondering if you have tried to approach communications in a different way. Maybe not be so serious about it. Perhaps trying a game for lovers. If she has problems verbalizing her needs, maybe ask if she would prefer to write them down.

I am not saying that you are not caring or attentative, because quite frankly you are and others should learn from this wonderful trait you've displayed. Pushy? Maybe, but then who doesn't want their lover to be happy.


What I am saying is that getting mad because when you push she denies & contemplating leaving her over this is over-reaction on your part. In my opinion she does not see it as important as you do.

There are other things to a relationship then just great sex. Granted some believe a healthy sex life is a cornerstone of a relationship (me being one of them) who said not having an orgasm makes it unhealthy. She could still enjoy it just as much as you do.

Making her reach the point of orgasm should be a bonus in your relationship not a requirement!

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Originally Posted by ITstudent2006

There are other things to a relationship then just great sex.

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True, but it does help out. It's also something that I couldn't live without.

Perhaps he feels the same way.

Just saying...

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

True, but it does help out. It's also something that I couldn't live without.

Perhaps he feels the same way.

Just saying...

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I think you should read the sentence following the one you quoted me on. :)

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Originally Posted by ITstudent2006

I think you should read the sentence following the one you quoted me on. :)

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I did my friend.

I was just making a blanket statement to what you had already said.:)

Thanks QLP, sorry for the slow response. Traveling... work. Blah! This is great advice. I have absolutely kept the big O word out of things. I have long since brought it up. August was the last time we talked about this and we agreed to take it easy on each other. Create that space you're talking about so we could feel free to communicate and enjoy each other -- improve without someone or something looming over you. She hasn't had a orgasm, obviously. I haven't brought it up. We've had good sex and mediocre sex, which I'm attributing to stress and not my or her feelings about the O word. What's still lacking is communication. I'm not asking her to talk to me every time, but slowly, I would really like to know what pleases her. If you asked me right now, to tell you the little things that please her in bed, I could only name a few. Kissing the back of her neck and gentle nipple play. I'm not saying nothing else pleases her, but she just doesn't indicate a lot. I don't hate her for this. She's very open and honest with me in other parts of our relationship, but here is one part that she's not. That's okay. But, slowly, I would like to grow that part. I've asked for more help, for her to be more vocal, and it's not happening. That's the really hard part about this... when you ask for help, try to accept this person, and they don't meet you in the middle. I will never STOP trying to give her an orgasm, but I'm not an obsessive douchbag about it. I read her body. I go with the flow. I'm really easy going about a lot of this. It's something I shouldn't change, but also part of the reason why these feelings build up and result in me posting stuff online...

The differences don't seem unsurmountable, they seem small and easily fixable, that's the frustrating part. They're not fixing themselves in the quite. I accept a lot about her, and I'm learning, thanks to you guys out there, how not to measure this situation -- but I can't take the lack of communication. We haven't talked about it for 5 months since our last row. Where I clearly stated my need for communication. I think we're building up to another one and I want to be as emotionally intelligent and prepared as I can be. I would love for that conversation to be easy! Thanks for the post.

ITstudent2006 --

Sorry for the slow response. Thanks again for participating in this thread. I really hear you. Your voice is in my head. Keep things simple or people are likely to get confused and misunderstand what I'm saying. You're totally right about that. With such complicated feelings it's hard, but necessary. But, your previous read on the situation was too simple, at least for my taste. This stuff isn't as binary (black and white), 0 sum, as you make it out. We have a communication problem before we have a sex problem. So when you gleam, "obviously she isn't making it a big deal because to her it isn't one" becomes completely inaccurate when you notice that (as I've posted several times) she's rather incapable of talking about sex AT ALL, with anyone. Suddenly, being insecure and silent, and "it's not a big deal" and silent -- read as the same thing! I can't be left to assume things this big. "(paraphrasing) I believe it's a cornerstone. She does not." She's never said that, at all. Nor did I ever post that. I would really like to know if that's the case, and I deserve an honest, verbal answer from someone. No one wants to live in a relationship where they construct truths around a lack of information. That's exactly the feeling I'm sick of.

Also when you say-- "You want sex, she does not. You think it's important, she does not. You are worried over it, she is not! Pretty simple!" That feels like a great post. Like you're really saying something. A well constructed and tight writerly thing to say. Dramatic, really. And, completely alien to how any of this really feels! It's messy. You know that. I use big words and complex sentences not to obscure the truth or lie to myself or to gain the favor of some people online, if they just think I'm smart and right -- then I'm justified in leaving my girlfriend... I do this because that's how I feel. It's just coming out like this and you guys are getting the raw feed, and are caring, honest and genuine enough to listen. So if by saying you oversimplified things I made it personal for you, dismissed your advice, I'm sorry. I really am. I think there's a good bit of truth in what you're saying. And, I'll walk away from this thinking about what you said. So, thank you!

I responded to your comment! Thanks for the post!

I finally responded to your post!

Synnen--

We do have all 3 working against us!! Rats! We need to learn how to handle stress better, but that's hard. I haven't said the o word in 5 months, so doing good on not pressuring her. The mental stuff... that's just too long of a list to go through. But, as I corrected in an earlier post. I'm not contemplating leaving her because she isn't orgasming... but because I've tried on several occasion to have honest and real conversations about our sex life, asking for more communication about what pleases her and how it would make me happy to know... and nothing. These have been spaced months apart and in calm situations. I just find it strange for her to be happy and complacent with things when I've told her that I needed more. I'm not even sure she's happy and complacent. I just don't know how she feels. I think I'm finally in a place where I don't need her to orgasm for us to have a full and healthy sex life, but need to know much more about what pleases her. And for there to be a mutual respect and appreciation for growing our sex life. If she refuses or is unable to communicate, I will need to decide if that's the kind of person I'm okay being with. Right now, my gut says no. Like any part of our relationship, there needs to be some level of discourse. Right now our sex life is like diplomacy with north korea, does she have an orgasmic enrichment facility or not (sorry to all the north koreans out there) Thanks for the post.


I think you're absolutely right about the porn, maturation connection.

Thanks for the post! I didn't think I believed in "sexually incompatible" but I might not be right for her. Thanks for all the ideas. I fear I'll have to bring up the topic again. There's too much work to be done on both sides of this.

I commented on your post. Thanks!

smoothy--

1) I didn't believe in it, but I'm starting to see what that feels like 2) nope, we've talked about that 3) you can't force this, we're BOTH going to have to want it -- hard knowing what things you can live without -- never had to live without this...

Thanks for the post

I think so. Many moons ago. I'll put it back in the rotation. (this is hilarious, btw)