I have been reading through this, and wondering, how would I have reacted if my husband had pre-planned to get a blowjob from a male in my livingroom, in front of me. All the while thinking that maybe both wives would join in.

I can tell you that without a doubt, he would be gone. Out the door.

I sense an accumulation of deceiptful actions on his part. His secret identity (I don't believe the male to male thing hasn't happened before), his excessive use of porn, gay or not, this was not discussed as being a concern to you, and last but not least, the alcohol, which dulls both ends between reality and fantasy.

My experience with alcoholics is that often the alcohol either fuels the behaviour/experiences they want, or it dulls the pain of being unhappy when they don't get it. It could be paired with anything that is risk taking such as unprotected sex, gambling, porn. The yin and the yang of it is always in flux, because to come clean about the confusion and behaviour could mean also taking the risk of losing your partner, job etc. To keep it a secret, and live a shadow life, and a real life, at least provides for some order of balance, and a way to have needs met.

It gets a bit tricky. But essentially what I'm saying is, that when he drinks to excess, there is a reason. And the reason is often a behaviour either past or present that he is not dealing with. Stopping the drinking is only one part of healing. The hardest part in my opinion, is figuring out who you are, who you want to be, where your life is going to go because of the decisions you make, and finally accepting the consequences, which will be good, and bad.

I look at your husband, and I truly feel sorry for him. That he has led this life of deceipt and denial, not only to you, but himself, has taken its' toll. He does not realize, or care to confront the issues surrounding his behaviour (refusing counselling), because facing the truth, the cold, sober truth, is far more difficult than just making false promises, and trying to change on his own. Not only does he deny his problems, he denies that he needs help- most likely out of fear.

I'm sorry this response is so long, just a few more things to say.

For your own sake, you need to know the man you married. Until the couch incident, you didn't. For any of this to make sense to you, he must seek counselling, and figure himself out, before you can gain any real insight.

When he wants to talk and/or communicate, tell him that you will talk about the issues, only in counselling. Push that envelope a little bit. I know you love him, and excercising a bit of tough love now, will ultimately help him.

You are a braver woman than I am. As I said, I would have booted his butt out the door the minute I realized what was going on on my couch.

But, maybe we would have reached the same conclusion eventually.

I do not see this as a gay issue, or a straight issue, or a bi issue.

What has really happened is the male you married, has kept his true identity hidden, and has lived a lie. Perhaps now that things are starting to come out, the plus side of this will be two stronger people in the end.

I held off answering this for a while.

All I was thinking of is what a self absorbed little pr*ck he is.

That took some world class chutzpah to even consider much less do.

Is he gay?. I doubt it. Is he Bi? Most certainy... Is he an arrogant self absorbed SOB? Most definitely.

IF and only IF you choose to do that in a marriage... it has to be mutually agreed upon BEFORE its done... which obviously was never done. He just took it upon himself.

Hell, it could have another woman... and it could have been totally behind your back just as easily... easier in fact. Who is to say that this hasn't happened already before this.

That's one hell of a leap to go as a first step.

He acts on his impulses when he drinks-only he can address that

His idea of love and marriage is very totally different than yours- incompatible life goals

He cheats- doesn't matter with who, so forget the gay, bi, labels, as this is not about your sexuality, or his at all. Shocking though it may be to you. Its about how you two relate sexually, which is good, but sex is not enough to sustain a relationship over the long haul, but your married.

He has been dishonest from the start by not telling you all the facts about himself, BEFORE you got married. That leaves you with not enough facts to have made a reasonable decision with.

Springing the truth on you in the most shocking, selfish, and self serving way, was unforgivable in my book.

If he can't be happy within the boundaries of good behavior that you both define for yourselves, he has to go. The rest is a distraction from the real issue, his bad behavior.

My saying she will never be enough is not a bi/straight/gay issue but rather an observation that he was having sex with another person in front of her. Should have put it a different way but what I meant was, it doesn't matter the sexual identity - he's cheating on her, so is clearly not satisfied just with her.

I don't think you should write your husband off as cruel, unloving, and self absorbed. As a gay man myself, and as a semi-recovering alcoholic, I can see where he stands. That being said, he is totally responsible for his actions, even while drunk. Being drunk is a horrible excuse for anything that a person does.

I can understand the stigma and fear that comes from being attracted to the same sex. It's something that is out of his control. I have had girlfriends in the past, but the idea of getting married to any of them scared the **** out of me because I would not have been able to be faithful to that kind of relationship and I did not want to hurt anyone else while I was "hurting" myself, if that makes sense. In a sense, whenever I had a girlfriend, I was living a lie that I did not want at all, but it felt necessary in order to feel accepted into the society and social structure that I was living in. At the time, I didn't realize that my sexuality wasn't the problem at all, it was the people I chose to surround myself by. I felt that if I could just keep pretending to be straight, then there would be no issue. I was very wrong. The gay feelings never went away, no matter what I did.

I think that if he is really gay, then you should get a divorce. It makes sense. I don't think that you should put him down or make him feel more low than he probably all ready does. That's not a good recipe. Put yourself in his situation. How hurt would you feel? He is obviously confused and ****ed in the head. No need to further any of that. Be blunt, but be caring.

And realize that it's the social stigma that makes people do these things. He wouldn't have to try to cover up his homosexual tendencies if society didn't make it that way. If we were all just a little more accepting of people the way they are, then we would find fewer and fewer cases like this. Nobody chooses to be gay. Nobody "wants" to be gay. It's just life. I think you should try to support him and be civil about it, but tell him where you stand. You don't want to waste your life, because you only get one. And I'm sure he might feel the same way.

I'm glad I came out of the closet. I am glad I didn't waste my time with women that I was never even attracted to in the first place. I don't have that burden. You should help this man out. Maybe you can make something really good out of a really bad situation. The two of you could learn to just become friends, and probably close friends considering what you have gone through with each other. No sense in being miserable over facts that neither of you can change.

Just my two cents. Take it or leave it, but I assure you will feel much better if you come into the light.

I am bi and my husband is experiemnting with bi porn and we might start to help him experiment with men. I cam eout to him as bi last year. I'm in my 30's and he 40's we never had the peace in our hearts and the love and trust of our partners to even try to think about our deepest secret desires. The trouble with a lack of excpetance regarding sexuality is culture and religion. We are all raised to see these things as eveil deal breakers. Evaluate your love and happiness . Why after he had the oral event and you broke up did you get back together with him? What had you negotiated with him?
His only issue is drinkining to cope with hiding his sexual desires. You are both suffering from fear of abondonment. You remember playing with your little friends as a kid?? Well you are both adults now deal with se as sex should be dealt with. You two can have a wonderful intamite marriage with straight sex as you have been having. If he has done these things in front of you it is a cry for your attention to the matter, and the knife in the problem is actually your lack of acceptance, better or for for worse doesn't mean the end if your husband likes the look of a penis. See a sex therapist, she (I say she cux that would ebe less threatening for you both) and she can dispel myths help you both cope without booze and maybe help him relize without a lot of demonzing religious based aa that he usues drinking as an excuse. One thought though, in this day and age being glbt isn't socially unacceptable even if your family disagrees. Grow up together. The child issue can wait. Deal with that later and quit being so sefish, he is probably hurting agreat deal. He can't help what he likes. But he wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive. There a lot of ways to develop sexually together without cheating or hiding.