Ask Me Help Desk - The back door...

Crap... I rated this post with an agree when I meant to quote... fingers too impatient...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

She has a negative stigma because every time she hit that time of the month (before her surgery obviously and before I met her) he wanted anal. He would beg for it from her and she would give in to him. Said it was shameful to her and that it was one of those moments where you just had to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain.

k. this may be "consensual", but that doesn't mean it didn't come at a cost. Nobody should just have "to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain" if you aren't enjoying that pain.

So...

At the very best, she isn't traumatized by the past (that would make her extremely unique) at all and she just doesn't want to try it again...

At the worst, well, we've talked about that already perhaps...

So... convince me why she should try it again. She's had a bad experience with it, has heard your requests and denied them, and shows no interest in it.

I just think its not worth the risk...

There's a VERY fine line there.

And yes, actually--coercion CAN be rape. Telling a woman that he's going to leave her (especially in cases where it would leave her destitute) or making threats against her or other family members IS a form of rape.

You don't have to force someone physically--forcing them to say "yes" through coercion/blackmail is still rape.

And if she felt used and humiliated afterwards, she still had the same EFFECT as having been raped.

Either way--it was MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY degrading to her

Quote:

Said it was shameful to her and that it was one of those moments where you just had to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain. I'd never get off on hurting her, its not my thing, but this guy I know to be a very big jerk. He didn't care so long as he got his. And on top of that she told me that she laid in bed crying because she felt used

.

Let HER initiate this one. Either that, or volunteer for some pegging yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

I know you are all responding to a fear that this will end us, but it wont. I am very very sure of that. As a matter of fact I am so sure that she is open to talk about it that I have absolutely no fear what so ever in it causing problems. If there is anything she is very open to talk about with me its sexual desires. thank you all for the concern.

This thread has lead me to believe that all is not so well in the bedroom... so maybe I'm missing something... but I take this current thread in the context of all that you've posted before, including the following...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...es-455638.html

MRSA is more then a super staff infection. It makes a body immune to just about any antibiotic trying to treat it.

Good sleuthing, kp. No doesn't appear you are missing anything and I don't think anymore time should be wasted on this thread as larken is not who he appears to be as a caring lover. I don't blame her for being concerned, and in any event, did OP know she had had anal sex with a previous partner before he got the bright idea that he wanted to try it. You can read back and find that out as well.

I think she will be well rid of this guy and, find someone who is on the up and up. He hasn't been with us and this thread, and others have taken a lot of time and thought from all of us and nothing has appeared to make a difference to him.

Tick

The bottom line is, is that she doesn't want to have anal sex! Plain and simple!

Respect her wishes and leave it alone!

Larken, after reading her history, I have to agree with everyone else. Leave it alone, stop asking, she's been traumatized enough and she's given you her answer. Accept it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

MRSA is more then a super staff infection. It makes a body immune to just about any antibiotic trying to treat it.

Good sleuthing, kp. No doesnt appear you are missing anything and I dont think anymore time should be wasted on this thread as larken is not who he appears to be as a caring lover. I dont blame her for being concerned, and in any event, did OP know she had had anal sex with a previous partner before he got the bright idea that he wanted to try it. You can read back and find that out as well.

I think she will be well rid of this guy and, find someone who is on the up and up. He hasnt been with us and this thread, and others have taken a lot of time and thought from all of us and nothing has appeared to make a difference to him.

tick

Meant to agree here, must have hit the wrong button.

Larken, I don't mean to be harsh here, but considering some of your past threads it may be time to start thinking with the bigger head.

It seems your gal has some sexual issues as well as some health issues.

It's time to be more supportive of her and her feelings and her health.

I think it might be a good idea for the two of you to stop having sex for a moment and start having discussions. Then revisit the idea of whether this relationship fits you both.

You are all over reacting. Sorry to have asked you as you have no clue what we are like with each other. And I am going to ask her the right way this time. You really do not know what is best in this situation and I am sorry but I am the loving, respectful, and patient man I clame to be. I am not a jerk and I do not push her to do things that she doesn't want to do.
Everyone seems to be under the impression that I have asked her a thousand times when that isn't the case at all. I haven't bugged her about it or tried pushing her into it. I asked her probably 3 times in a year and a half. She said all right once the first time. And for some reason after that she started saying no basically. I have not tried pushing her into it at all. And just as an FYI saying that she should get rid of me? Ridiculous, I have put up with a thousand times more than her to be in the relationship and you got no clue to the extent of it. I have stuck through it, and weathered the storms because she is worth it. And I do not ask all that much of her on top of that. Sure I have caused a problem or three but you have no idea what I have gone through for her. She isn't the one that should logically get rid of me, it should really be me having gotten rid of her a long time ago, a continuous problem that has still not gone away. Matter of fact if I were any other man, any less of a man I wouldn't have ever dated her in the first place.
I have now gotten myself into this and I am not willing to step away, and by the way stepping away would kill her and now it would really screw her life up. So even if I didn't love her she has gotten herself into a position that she would be hard pressed to make it on her own for me so I would still support her as she would need it. So before anyone decides to make me out to be a bad guy try thinking again.

You can stop this thread too, I'm a bit annoyed at being accused of being a bad person when I am probably the nicest person most people will have ever met. So lock it, delete it, I don't care, do something and just stop the maddness now please

Larken,

I understand you are getting frustrated. Really, I do... However, you come here asking us for advice, in which we are happy to do... You may not like what we have to say, and again, I can understand that as well.

BUT, you explained her history, and that's when I had had it...

I am NOT saying you are a bad person, you are curious and that's OK. If she has already said no, well then she means no. It doesn't matter if it was 3 weeks ago or 3 years ago. She told you no. No means no! That's it, end of it!

Everyone on here has been real honest and upfront with you.

Please don't take offence to this post as I might sound a little harsh. I am not trying to be rude by any way shape or form...

It was not just your post enigma. They said she should get rid of me. No one knows the full story and I do not feel like it is needed explaned here. I do not feel like hearing everyone telling me to leave her, I don't like people thinking I am an idiot. To most other people the things I have put up with would seem as if I am a doorstop and everyone would be calling me stupid for staying.

The only time she said "not gunna happen" we were joking around about things. The other time she said I don't know. (which I usually take as a no) and the other time she said yes.

I have already asked her to talk to me about something sexual when she gets back from out of state and she is going to do so. If you really think she is going to be in any way upset by my asking again, you're mistaked.

After I said that thing about her Ex, everyone decided to attack me and scrutinize me for wanting something that I know would not be that big of a deal to her. Her ex was stupid, she only disliked the pain (cause he obviously did not know what he was doing) and the fact that he was a jerk. He never cared if she got hers or not, he never cared if his pleasure hurt her. She knows I care, she trusts me sexually more than she trusts me to catch her falling. She knows I care, and she knows I do not want to hurt her. She is confident in our sexual natures and she is a very giving lover. (I know you are all going to say be happy with what you got bla bla bla) I feel like I am defending myself now. The only thing this thread was meant for was to freaking educate me on how to go about asking and give me a little more information on it. Thanks I got what I wanted.

And I am not trying to take offence to any post, but the thread got way way off subject and off point and some how turned against the person asking. If there are real rules here there should be one against making people feel bad for something they want.

And that is effectively what you've all done by the way, you've made me feel like what I want is something that is naughty and dirty. Something that I could only want from her if I am an evil person. I am sorry to say this because I love being here and giving and getting advice but we should not give people guilt trips. It is just wrong and totally unhelpful. Yes if you think I shouldn't ask that is fine, but no its not fine to throw in things like rape, calling the person a bad person, making them feel like what they want is wrong if it is something that other people normally do, and above all we need to realize that the people asking for advice are lost on the subject and could use compassion instead of accusations and proding.

Per larken85's request at #30, I've asked this thread be locked...