Ask Me Help Desk - I caught my boyfriend masturbating! After we have had sex, what does that mean?

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Originally Posted by natalie1990

do u no what the funny thing is!!! We usually have sex like 2 or 3 times a day! Y does he still need more! And to keep it from me and also i give him what he wants..

Unfortunately, at his age, all he can think about probably is sex. A comedian once said he used to think, "when will I get it again" and while he was doing it, he would think, "how soon can I have it again?"

He's probably embarrassed to let you know it's such a huge part of his life. You give him what you think he wants, not what he really wants (sex 24/7). He'll calm down eventually. When he hits 45, he won't remember what sex is probably.

At this age, he's at his sexual peak. You will hit yours around the age of 40. That's when the two sexes finally begin to be on the same page and are able to pleasure each other in a reasonable way.

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Originally Posted by wondergirl

unfortunately, at his age, all he can think about probably is sex. A comedian once said he used to think, "when will i get it again" and while he was doing it, he would think, "how soon can i have it again?"

he's probably embarrassed to let you know it's such a huge part of his life. You give him what you think he wants, not what he really wants (sex 24/7). He'll calm down eventually. When he hits 45, he won't remember what sex is probably.

At this age, he's at his sexual peak. You will hit yours around the age of 40. That's when the two sexes finally begin to be on the same page and are able to pleasure each other in a reasonable way.

He is 35!

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Originally Posted by natalie1990

i give him what he wants..

Not yet, you don't. Let him watch you lustfully masturbate. Vary the positions when you're having sex with him. Check out The Joy of Sex from the library or buy a copy and share it with him while you are undressed and ready to go. It has a lot of cool illustrations that will turn both of you on. Use sex toys once in a while (but not so often to render them boring).

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Originally Posted by natalie1990

he is 35!!

Maybe he'll make it to 50, or even 60.

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When he hits 45, he won't remember what sex is probably.

Geez, I love the way you guys think sex stops at 50. I can assure you it doesn't and men still get horny WELL beyond 50! (Wondergirl, I'm hoping you're not being ageist - lol!)

Anyway dear OP, the thing about guys watching porn is that the woman they are looking at is a fantasy - and sometimes the things they do are as well! It's usually nothing to do with how much or how little they want you - the real flesh and blood woman.

By taking it personally, you're getting it all wrong. You're having lots of sex and he's obviously into it. So please stop crying, it's actually not going to make things any better by making it all about you. He's, in fact, hiding the porn and the masturbating because you're reacting so strongly.

When you're calmer, try talking to him about it rather than sulking and telling him how upset you got with your ex.

You may actually have to compromise on this - by all means tell him you're distressed, but why not talk about how you can include the masturbating and porn into your sexual relationship?

It may reassure you to know that my husband often masturbates after we've had sex - he just needs that extra release and I don't ever take it to mean that I'm inadequate.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Geez, I love the way you guys think sex stops at 50. I can assure you it doesn't and men still get horny WELL beyond 50! (Wondergirl, I'm hoping you're not being ageist - lol!)

I'm WELL beyond 50, and yes, men are hopeless horny until the day they die (and even then they don't give it up).

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm WELL beyond 50, and yes, men are hopeless horny until the day they die (and even then they don't give it up).

Had to spread the rep WG, but that's a relief to hear that! I love it that older men are horny and am awfully glad mine is.

Sorry to derail the thread guys...

k.
First, natalie, you need to center yourself. You are catastrophizing this... meaning assuming the absolute worst about every "wrong" thing.

Some of this, I know, is tied to age and experience. I'm guessing much about sex and the behaviors around it are new-ish to you. That's not a slam. Just a reality. Until you have to deal with a situation, you might not be prepared for it.

So... lets take this in two steps. One concerns his self stimulation. The other concerns his use of pornography.

So... his sex drive might be quite high. k. has he complained? Does he push for more sex? Act out if he doesn't get it by being upset or grumpy? Is he too aggressive? Does he push for sex or acts that you aren't comfortable doing? Do you seemed matched well when you do have sex?

I don't know. I never took it personally when a lover self stimulated... as long as we had open communication and a healthy sex life... what is the problem? Personally, I think its sexy when a woman's drive is strong and she needs a fix. Sure... if that takes the place of attention given to me in an extreme way, ill make some noise. But I don't see a lover "problem solving" as an outright threat against my ability to satisfy.

And I personally don't thing its right for me to tell her she "shouldnt" self stimulate. Its one of the most important ways a woman can learn about her needs and what works. Hell, half the time I think a woman should self stimulate during intercourse... it's a great way for her to drive herself over the top when a particular position isn't quite enough or she needs that extra push...

So... you don't mention whether he hits orgasm during sex with you. So... does he?

As for porn... there's no answer that fits all people here. Some have no problem with it. Some will never accept it.

You've perhaps given mixed messages... you've watched porn with him, but find it incredibly offensive that he'd watch without you. I'm sorry... that can easily be confusing.

A previous partner loved reading erotica. Well... OK... it wasn't as graffic as in your face porn, but it was an external source of stimulation used for arousal.

This is at least partly about your feeling insecure. That isn't said, by the way, to make you feel more insecure. We all have times when we aren't certain about ourselves. It happens. But its important to own how much of this is coming from inside you... that your struggles are at least partly tied to your beliefs and experiences... you mention you've been through something like this before. I'm guessing that means a previous partner who watched/hid porn? Trust issues there? Cheating?

I'm not going to tell you that being upset about his watching porn is bad or that your being upset that his drive for orgasm seems to be higher than you are comfortable with is wrong. It isn't wrong to feel how you feel.

But we do have more control over how we feel than we often give ourselves credit. If it was a sensual erotic movie that you liked, it wouldn't be a problem, perhaps. If it was that same sensual flick but something you discovered he owned, you might suddenly be questioning why he likes "those women" more...

So...

Can you accept that he might be absolutely thrilled with sex with you AND also desire more sexual release than the relationship might naturally offer AND that this might not be a problem unless you make it one? Personally, I think its great when two lovers drives are matched perfectly... but I think this doesn't happen as often as we would hope... usually there are some compromises. So... if he is happy with his sex life with you but he has a higher drive and deals with this by self stim... can you be happy?

Again... I've been with partners whose drive was lower to some degree, and I took the edge off from time to time by self stim... in fact, the absolute best sexual relationship I've ever had was one where her drive was somewhat lower than mine. Sex together was fantastic. Self stim took the edge off when the drive was too strong to ignore.

Now... if all he wants to do is have sex... well, its up to you to decide if the relationship is balanced enough. But that is a different issue than his self stimulating.

If he needs sex three times a day and he's also getting off solo, why is that a problem? Worried he'll seek out others? Worried he doesn't like sex with you? Worried he is too driven by sex?

Women in the complete opposite place... where a partner has little to no drive... often feel just as betrayed and worried as you seem to be. So... more info on what's happened in your past?

OK Nat. He isn't unsatisfied by you. Maybe he is having a problem releasing his whole load. Question, Do you let him orgasm inside or outside? Do you make him use a condom? Does he take a very very long time to get off? These questions matter.

Chances are that he is just totally enthralled by getting orgasms however there is a chance he could be a sex addict. He feels bad and hides it because he can't stop himself. He knows how its making you feel and he is ashamed that he is making you feel that way but there is just nothing he can do about it. Some people think that is just easy as pie to just not do it. Most people don't understand that an addiction is extremely hard to overcome and being a male packed full of orgasmic sperm that makes you constantly excited would make it more difficult to overcome than a drug addiction. At least with a drug additcion the cravings would eventually subside, but with sexual addiction a male will almost never lose his lust and it can control him. Sorry but I would sit down and talk it out with him, if he feels like he cannot control himself then he needs to go to SAA (sex addicts anon)

Great conversation here--you're getting great advice, Natalie.

HOWEVER: Any further chat speak will result in your posts being deleted. If you are 19, you are an adult, and can type like one.

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Originally Posted by natalie1990

i have always been a very mature and steady minded!

Sorry, but at 19 you still have a lot to learn (and grow emotionally)... trust me... when you are 30 you will laugh at what you just said. Don't take it as a knock, trust me its not... it's just that you aren't bestowed ultimate maturity in all things just because you turned 18. Its an ongoing process, it slows down as you get older.. it just doesn't stop. Don't understand what I just said? Do you know any 16 year olds... remember what you you and others thought then?

Now about the other stuff. If he's being respectful in other ways, don't sweat that he polishes the knob. There is still new girl excitement. And few women actually want to be bothered to put out every time the urge strikes him. And he is being respectful by not pushing you to.

I haven't seen anything you said that warrants your being insecure. Hell, in 20 years you would probibly be telling him to go take care of it himself anyway.

Oh stop crying!!

It s not worth it!

Talk to him and if he doesn't t get it and he still makes you feel undesirable, break up with him and find someone who will make you feel hot and sexy!

No tears!
Boost up your confidence by buying sexy underwear and if it doesn't t work just dump him!

OK. Age 35. You don't mention if he is or was ever married. But if he is into masturbation at this point maybe he has a confidence issue of his own.
As others have mentioned, seduce him or play in the same room.. maybe together. But be aware that some men are indeed addicted to the feeling they have from self gratification. Just as some women are over-come with the feelings but later do the same thing.
Somewhere in his background is a story you do not know, and only if you two become intimate as lovers beyond the sex itself will you ever know the answer.
But crying and feeling like you have not met his expectations, you must meet some level of expectation or he would not be having sex with you twice a day.
My sisterinlaw's husband was never satisfied with multiple climaxes in one night, and she asked me similar questions back then.
I think communication is where you two are missing the boat here. But communication can be unspoken, hence the idea of slipping in naked, or stripping in the bedroom to use a vibrator or self method of masturbation for yourself in his presence.
Sometimes it only takes seeing the big picture from the other side for guys to realize they have sent the wrong message.

I keep catching my boyfriend jerking off after we have sex. I feel for you girl, I'm getting frustrated too. I have no idea what's going on, I feel like I don't turn him on anymore or my sex just isn't good enough. Don't know what to do either... (sigh)