Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend of two years won't have sex with me

This post needs to be merged to the previous post so people can see the whole picture. After reading all the info, I think you are the only one who thinks things will be okay. You are fooling yourself. The man sounds very odd and things will not get better if you work towards marriage. How can he undo years of psychological problems without help? It won't happen. You can find a much better lover--they exist. Maybe, a new man is waiting for you in Montana, you just haven't met him yet.

This is an update so far

Thanks to everyone that gave me great advice. Things have been crazy the past few days. A few days ago, I went into the office and he again shut the page down, claiming he was researching Valentine's day gifts. There is a window outside the office and I knew I would be able to see into the office and get a view of what was on the computer. So I snuck out the back door so he wouldn't hear the front door open, went around to the front and tried peeking into the window. Well our house is kind of on a hill and there are hedges in front of the window so I couldn't get close to the window and I was standing on a slope. I'm short-only 5'1'' so I could barely see over the ledge and beside that, with the glare I wasn't able to see into the room. But I decided to bluff and I threw a little stick at the window and Greg turned around and opened it up. He asked "what's going on?" and I said "Oh I just kinda came out here cause I wanted to see what you were looking at" he said "yeah?" and I said "yep" and he said "yeah? so?" and I just looked at him and then he said "Well those pictures I was looking at were just some random friend request. I didn't recognize her and she looked kinda young so I was just trying to look at her pictures to see if I know who she is. That's why I was looking at her pictures." I felt so sick at that moment, like nauseous and dizzy. I didn't say anything else to him the rest of the day. In fact I went back to bed claiming I didn't feel well and he kept coming in to check on me saying he was worried I looked so sick and "why do you look so depressed?" I decided not to talk to him about until I got to the bottom of things and saw for myself actual proof that he was doing anything wrong.

So for a couple days I plotted, trying to figure out what he was hiding from me on his computer. He clears his browser every time he uses my user account and his user account has a password so all I could do was hope he would slip up and forget one of these days. Well things came to a head yesterday. We had come home late from dinner so instead of hooking up the internet cord, I passed out with the cord on the desk next to our bed. I woke up early the next day to find he wasn't in bed and the cord was gone. I jumped out of bed and as quietly as I could, I crept out of the room and to the office door. Holding my breath I flung the door open and sprinted up to the computer but he shut the page down just as I got to him. He had a terrified guilty look on his face and his breathing was off. He took a shaky breath and said "uhh good morning. what's going on?" I stretched my arms over my head casually and yawned and said I was just getting up and then reached my hand down to his groin to check if he had an erection. I found he had none so I left the room mumbling about how he shut the page down again. I was angry all morning but I once again realized I still had no reason to be angry because technically, he hadn't done anything wrong. So I let it go again and we had a very nice evening when he came home from work. Then that night, as we drove home, as I was starting to get tired and crabby I decided to rehash the situation and asked him why exactly it was he keeps shutting the page down. I told him he could tell me anything and that I love him and no matter what it was he felt he needed to hide-- he had no reason to keep any secrets from me. He ignored me so I started listing off guesses of what I thought he was hiding. "gay porn? underage girls?" I told him if he kept a secret from me I would only assume it was the worst scenario and he finally screamed that he had been jacking off to different girls' pictures. Sisters of friends, girls he knew from high school, web cam girls, and other random pictures. I was numb. I finally heard the truth. It's what I wanted all along- the truth. But it was still my worst nightmare. It was something I had feared all along but had always prayed wasn't the case. I pulled into our drive, put the car in park, and forgetting all about my purse and my half finished baby blanket project I had been crocheting for my unborn nephew, I numbly got out of the car and walked into the house. Then turned around and headed back to the car. He asked me where I was going and I said, "Don't worry about it." he looked confused and asked "Don't worry about it? what does that mean?" and I said "from now on-- I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I can talk to any guys I want. Sleep with anyone I want."

Then I ducked into the house to grab some things and he followed me and announced to his sister (whom we are staying with for a couple weeks till our house is finished being painted) that I was being ridiculous and I was making false accusations. She made a few unwelcome comments of her own so I stormed towards them and asked how dare he get his sister involved when she doesn't know the whole story? So, this thing I had been too afraid to admit to anyone except on here, about how my boyfriend of two years won't have sex with me--- I finally unleashed it. I yelled it out at the top of my lungs and then gave him back my engagement ring and threw his precious video games across the room. He screamed at me to leave and I screamed back that I wished I had known all along that he didn't want to be with me and he said "well now I don't" and I screamed that I wished he would have told me that two years ago and then I snapped and started shoving him away from me. Like I said, I'm 5'1'' and 135lbs-- he's 6'4'' 245lbs and I guess he thought me shoving him was funny because he started chuckling and once that happened all I saw was red. Pop pop pop I punched him three times in the face before either of us knew what was happening. I still remember the sound of my fist hitting his face. He was startled and for a moment he didn't move or say anything I sobbed and searched the ground for my car keys where I had thrown them along with the video games. I ran towards our bedroom so I could lock him out but he finally started shaking his daze and he ran after me and grabbed me right as I was running into the room. He pinned me down onto the bed and looking up at him, I had a thought that maybe I should be scared but I was too pissed for that. I struggled for a bit and tried to knee him in the groin but he only pinned my knees sideways and tightened his grip on my wrists.

As if punching him wasn't enough of a surprise, he totally caught me off guard by falling against me sobbing and choking on his tears. He said "I don't know what to do Jackie. I have never been in this situation before. How can we go back from this now? I don't want to lose you I don't want you to leave but I caused you to hit me. How is everything going to be ok now? If you leave now I know you'll never want to talk to me again and I need you in my life. I'm sick without you. I am sorry about what I did. I felt guilty as hell when I did those things. Obviously there's a reason I felt guilty because it's wrong." and I said yeah you always said stuff like you didn't want to do anything sexual because your sister was here or because you weren't ready, and I respected that you weren't ready but you were always hateful to me anytime I wanted to make love to you and now I know that all along you have been in that little office looking at other women, getting off to that instead of being with me? What is it? What do they have that I don't? If you didn't want to be with me, why didn't you just tell me? And he started sobbing again and he said he did want to be with me. He said he was scared. That somehow, he kept remembering that he was 30 and he hadn't ever had sex yet and if there was anyone he would want to do that with, it would be me. He said he jacked off to those pictures because it was all he knew. For years that's what he had. It gave him a little rush and he would feel better. He promised he would never get on the computer again without me and he would never masturbate like that again if I could give him another chance and let him prove to me how much he loves me. He said, "I'm scared and I when we do that I want it to be right. I know it is pretty much up to me when we take that step but I do want to make love and if you bear with me and wait until I am ready, I will show you how much I love you."

I told him I have always wanted it to be right and only when he is ready as well--- I have just been worried all along that he just didn't want to be with me in that way and I am just going to get my heart broken down the line. He said he wouldn't do that to me-- he wouldn't string me along for two years and hurt me just to be selfish. He said, see you slugged me pretty good and I still want to be with you. And we laughed at the memory of me punching him. We felt crazy laughing over what had just passed, but it was also kind of like a weight was lifted. I'm just glad his sister didn't call the cops and I hope I can forgive myself for acting out violently like that-- although he wasn't hurt at all. My hand hurts pretty bad though.

I might be crazy but I think everything is going to be OK now. It reached it's worst point and now I can only hope that we both had a wake up call and we can work towards a better future together. I hate that it took something drastic like me punching him in order for him to finally open up and talk to me about things but nonetheless here we are now. I do love him, and for all the pain this relationship has caused me, I know he loves me too. I take all of the advice given to me very seriously and I don't plan to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the rest of my life. I am going to give him the love, time, and patience that he needs and if I end up with a broken heart at least I will be able to walk away knowing I fought for that love as long as I could. This valentine's day, I plan to surprise him by setting up a little candle light dinner sans table and chairs, or even paint on the walls, at the new place we are fixing up. We can't move in for a few more weeks but we finally got the keys to the place so I am going to set it up with a blanket or two on the dining room floor, white twinkle lights, candles, flowers, music, cake, wine, and maybe his favorite dinner. I am going to blindfold him and drive him over there and surprise him with the setup. I think he will be pleasantly surprised and very happy. I think there will be some cuddling and maybe some dancing but I am not going to ruin the evening by expecting any kind of lovemaking. I just want to look forward to a happy evening when I can just remember why I fell in love in the first place. No drama, no relationship issues, no pressure to make love. I just want to bask in love with him that night. I wish you all the best and many thanks for your wisdom on this tough problem. I will post updates if anything should change.

Best of luck to you! I hope all goes well.

Thanks amy99roo. I know you were in a similar situation that ended badly. I think of you often since you told me and I have been praying that you have the chance to be happy someday. You deserve that. That bad relationship doesn't define who you are today. I will take your advice to heart. Thanks please keep in touch

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosemcs

This post needs to be merged to the previous post so people can see the whole picture. After reading all the info, I think you are the only one who thinks things will be okay. You are fooling yourself. The man sounds very odd and things will not get better if you work towards marriage. How can he undo years of psychological problems without help? It won't happen. You can find a much better lover--they exist. Maybe, a new man is waiting for you in Montana, you just haven't met him yet.

Not to mention it is a giant block of text!

Um... did they not teach about things like PARAGRAPHS in english class where you went to school? It makes stuff a whole lot earier to read when it doesn't all run together.

I hope that makes it easier to read. And I hope it isn't too long. I had a lot to say in this update.

Thanks... that does really help a lot. Its really hard to read something that's not broken up.

I really think you need to do some soul search about whether this is the person you want to be with.

It is easier to hang on to something dysfunctional and be with someone then it is to break it off and be alone.

Either way, best of luck to you. You're going to need it!

I am in the same situation. I was dating a successful independent man. We dated for over two years with ZERO intimacy! At first I didn't mind and I just thought he wanted to wait. Then months past and I kept getting turned down so I stopped trying. We just broke up on Friday and I brought it up as an issue. He blamed ME! He said because I would get awkward that he stopped trying. He NEVER tried. I have never seen him naked and blue won't even change his underware in front of me. It really made me insecure to the point where I felt like I couldn't trust him. It is refreshing to know that other people have experienced this. We are broken up now, but I can't seem to make myself understand how important this was to our relationship crumbling like it did. Feedback would be awesome!