Ask Me Help Desk - Shy hubby

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I get what you're saying, and I honestly don't know what the answer is either.

Clearly he's trying to control what happens between you sexually, because despite what they say, men like to take the initiative. They do.

Hence the scenario where he leaves you high and dry - it's that old push-pull again. If any woman did it they would call her a 'cock-teaser'. (A derogatory Australian expression.)

War only happens if two parties are involved. So stop playing and see what happens. Leave him feeling defensive. Less is more, if you know what I mean. Don't try and make it better for him or explain yourself. Be loving and supportive but be totally non-committal if he starts doing the 'poor me' thing. It's his stuff, he needs to own it.

May I suggest a book that was really helpful for me?
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

I don't think there is an easy answer, but you're the one feeling 'battered', so maybe take the focus off your feelings, sex and your husband's reactions and put the focus on other parts of your life for a while?

Thank you again, you are very patient and sensible. I have let myself get dragged into power games but I didn't fully recognise it because I'm trying to give the power away rather than take it. I hope that makes sense. I can see I need to give him time to take it rather than push it onto him.

It feels a bit like when a child has been allowed to slip into bad behaviour and you have to ride it out whilst they keep upping the ante until they realise you aren't taking things back to they way they want them. Golly that sounds patronising to the hubby but it's the closest analogy for how it feels right now I can come up with.

On a positive note I just feel a lot better and more relaxed this morning. I think it just got to a point where I really needed a chat and some sense talking into me, so a massive thanks for going through that with me. (You must be the last person I greenied so it won't let me but please accept a whole bundle of virtual greenies :) )

We both seem cheery this morning. He seems friendly and considerate which is great because at times in the past there have been those awkward atmospheres after our chats sometimes. I think we are both doing well at rebuilding things generally in our relationship after our wobble, but the sex will take a little longer. I can accept that, just feel it builds up into a bit of an 'elepant in the corner' sometimes.

I will have a look out for that book sometime, but for now I'm feeling able to trundle on and not worry too much about it. I expect I'll be back sometime, hopefully to report good things eventually, but big thanks for helping me along again for the moment.

Well, I didn't expect to be back so soon, but I'm happy to report that hubby suddenly found his mojo! Not only did he find the confidence to instigate, but a jolly fun, open, communicative time ensued. Afterwards he said, 'not only was that really good, but you made me feel really good about myself and I can't wait for more.'

Result! Excuse me while I do a few cartwheels round the kitchen..

Seriously though, what I really want to say is that without you all giving me support and constructive advice, as well as a safe place to vent my worries and frustrations I don't think we would have got to this point by now. Of course I know there may be ups and downs in the future, but I sure know where to come if I get stuck again and for now I'm feeling very pleased.

You guys and gals are the best! Thank you so much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by QLP

Seriously though, what I really want to say is that without you all giving me support and constructive advice, as well as a safe place to vent my worries and frustrations I don't think we would have got to this point by now. Of course I know there may be ups and downs in the future, but I sure know where to come if I get stuck again and for now I'm feeling very pleased.

You guys and gals are the best! Thankyou so much.

I am glad that you are finally getting somewhere with him.

I also want to say that I hope you stick around (when you feel like it), not because you need help, but because you have great advice to give.

Enjoy. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by QLP

Well, I didn't expect to be back so soon, but I'm happy to report that hubby suddenly found his mojo! Not only did he find the confidence to instigate, but a jolly fun, open, communicative time ensued. Afterwards he said, 'not only was that really good, but you made me feel really good about myself and I can't wait for more.'

Result! Excuse me while I do a few cartwheels round the kitchen..

Seriously though, what I really want to say is that without you all giving me support and constructive advice, as well as a safe place to vent my worries and frustrations I don't think we would have got to this point by now. Of course I know there may be ups and downs in the future, but I sure know where to come if I get stuck again and for now I'm feeling very pleased.

You guys and gals are the best! Thankyou so much.

That's great! His feedback to you was lovely...

Sometimes it's really important to persevere - long term relationships are worth it, if we can withstand the ebbs and flows.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am glad that you are finally getting somewhere with him.

I also want to say that I hope you stick around (when you feel like it), not because you need help, but because you have great advice to give.

Enjoy. :)

Aww shucks thanks. Afraid you're stuck with me, I'm addicted now. :)
( won't let me greenie you.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by QLP

Aww shucks thanks. Afraid you're stuck with me, I'm addicted now. :)
( won't let me greenie you.)

You smiling is all the thanks I need. :)

AMHD does have a tendency to hold on to people. I think we are still working on the support group.