Hello S:

It takes a strong couple to withstand one partner using drugs and the other not... Your relationship is doomed.

Don't feel bad. It ain't your fault. Unless of course, you're like my ex, who smoked with me for 20 years, and then out of the blue, decided it was evil weed, and nagged at me every time I smoked. If you're like that, it IS your fault.

excon

Part of the issue here is that there is a tension between not speaking up and not being heard.

Because you're afraid to lose your BF, you don't speak up about the smoking - so when he's smoking with a friend you retreat into your room and you don't articulate what's bothering you. This makes you feel dis-empowered and then depressed and unhappy.

When you do speak up and talk to your BF about how you feel, for example when you talked to him about your sexual needs, he dismisses your feelings and again you felt dis-empowered, depressed and unhappy.

In order to resolve this, one way or another, you need to talk to him. Can you arrange to go away for a day somewhere - say for a drive, or to the beach, or for a walk in the country? Create a situation where it will just be the two of you, not in your home, but somewhere so that you can have uninterrupted time together. (Preferably without the weed.) Be absolutely direct with him and let him know that you're reconsidering the relationship, and that the smoking plus the lack of satisfying sex is a deal breaker for you.

I can understand that you're feeling depressed and dis-empowered because you can't see the way ahead. May I strongly suggest that you need to speak with your friends - they may well have things happening in their lives but your need is serious. Speaking to people that know and love you will give you a different perspective. You need their support and guidance.

If you don't speak up no-one will hear you. If you take some action you will feel like you DO have some control instead of hiding in your bedroom feeling like the world is crashing down around you.

I do understand that it is hard and that the prospect of a break up is frightening, but you do need to stand up for yourself and for what you want.

Begin to accept that the addiction has a greater hold on your BF than you do.

Actually this is not allowed - all correspondence must stay on the Board.

I question just WHY the OP loves him with all her heart - I see an addiction to weed or anything else as no different to addiction to alcohol. Ends up painful for all of the parties unless/until one party accepts the behavior or the other party stops the behavior... and you can't make anybody do anything!