Thank you for your understanding. Maybe the way I see things will help others, maybe not. Secret life? Yeah, I guess so. Is it making my marriage work? No, I have a strong marriage and family life. The bi life fills a need for me that I cannot get elsewhere. Now here's the kicker: I can't even consider having sex with another WOMAN. That, to me, is a complete betrayal. Does it make sense, nope, and I don't know why either, but that's the way I see it.

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Originally Posted by woodsman33

I'm sure I'm going to get slammed for this, but I have a problem with the statement: "Eventually, with or without your friendship with him, he will face some sort of showdown anyway, and in fairness to his wife, she needs to know the truth sooner, rather than later."

Yes, I agree sooner or later it will come to a head, but what is the point of telling his wife if the marraige is going down the dumper anyway? The way I see it, all that would do is turn his children, freinds and neighbors against him - and for what? So he can say "I was totally and brutally honest with her? (and it destroyed my family?")

Sometimes, the price of "admission" is too high. Jake2008, you asked me if my wife knows I'm bi. She does not. It would destroy my family, both close and extended. In my opinion, too high a price. I do not let my "encounters" impact my family or schedule, I don't blow money on it. Family comes first, but yes, I have a secret vice. Better than drinking at the bar everynight, or spending hundreds of dollars hunting or fishing for weeks out of the year, or secret gambling, or a drug habit, IMO.

But, this isn't about me, it's about deviover and his situation.

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But it could impact your wife. What if you get an std? What if she finds out because one of your lovers decides to come to your home?

Don't you think those scenarios would be infinitely worse then just being honest with her?

Here's my problem with all of this, you made a commitment to your wife, just as the OP's lover made a commitment to his. That commitment should be honored, bi or not.

There are many bi-sexual people out there that choose one partner and then remain faithful to that partner.

Cheating is cheating. Being bi isn't an excuse to cheat.

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Originally Posted by woodsman33

The bi life fills a need for me that I cannot get elsewhere.

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A question for you and the OP's "friend", what needs are your wives getting met outside the marriage? If they had a relationship with someone else (say bi or emotional), how would you react?

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Originally Posted by woodsman33

I'm sure I'm going to get slammed for this, but I have a problem with the statement: "Eventually, with or without your friendship with him, he will face some sort of showdown anyway, and in fairness to his wife, she needs to know the truth sooner, rather than later."

Yes, I agree sooner or later it will come to a head, but what is the point of telling his wife if the marraige is going down the dumper anyway? The way I see it, all that would do is turn his children, freinds and neighbors against him - and for what? So he can say "I was totally and brutally honest with her? (and it destroyed my family?")

Sometimes, the price of "admission" is too high. Jake2008, you asked me if my wife knows I'm bi. She does not. It would destroy my family, both close and extended. In my opinion, too high a price. I do not let my "encounters" impact my family or schedule, I don't blow money on it. Family comes first, but yes, I have a secret vice. Better than drinking at the bar everynight, or spending hundreds of dollars hunting or fishing for weeks out of the year, or secret gambling, or a drug habit, IMO.

But, this isn't about me, it's about deviover and his situation.

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I'll not slam you, I'll simply discount you, as your opinions are colored by your lack of integrity. Did your wedding vows not include fidelity? Mine did. Then there's the whole std thing, and you CANNOT know anymore.

Let's stick to answering the OP here, please.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Let's stick to answering the OP here, please.

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My comments were indirectly aimed at deviover, as well. Deviover, you have either enabled a failed marriage to produce a child or you're going to cause a marriage with a child to fail. Other people have said it, too.

If only for the baby's sake, BACK OFF

I posted this question for advice and input; not criticism, assumption, or accusation. I think we've carried on a very interesting and civil debate. Let's keep it at that.

Jake2008 does make a point, this is obviously something that does work for some people. It does, however, leave certain people in the dark which I also don't think is fair. I do, also, understand how strong the attraction (whether physical or emotional) between two individuals can be, and how those feelings can affect one's behavior. I'm just trying to understand what my role is in this situation, and whether what I'm doing is right or not, regardless of one's moral standpoint. Is not one's happiness and contributing to the happiness of others one of the most important lessons of life? To complete this debate, I do agree that the outcome of this situation rests on my friend's actions, not mine. He needs to own up to the life that he's living, and make some decisions to ensure that not only he, but also his wife to whom he owes obligation, is as happy as possible as well. What would all of those involved in this discussion say that those are? Please keep in mind the feelings and needs of ALL those involved.

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Originally Posted by deviover

I posted this question for advice and input; not criticism, assumption, or accusation. I think we've carried on a very interesting and civil debate. Let's keep it at that.

Jake2008 does make a point, this is obviously something that does work for some people. It does, however, leave certain people in the dark which I also don't think is fair. I do, also, understand how strong the attraction (whether physical or emotional) between two individuals can be, and how those feelings can affect one's behavior. I'm just trying to understand what my role is in this situation, and whether what I'm doing is right or not, regardless of one's moral standpoint. Is not one's happiness and contributing to the happiness of others one of the most important lessons of life? To complete this debate, I do agree that the outcome of this situation rests on my friend's actions, not mine. He needs to own up to the life that he's living, and make some decisions to ensure that not only he, but also his wife to whom he owes obligation, is as happy as possible as well. What would all of those involved in this discussion say that those are? Please keep in mind the feelings and needs of ALL those involved.

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This is hard because the one that stands the most to lose is your friend.

If he chooses to come out, or to admit that he's bi, then he could lose everything, including the child that is yet to be born.

Your role in this is very clear to me. You are the man that is having an affair with someone that's married. Morally, that's wrong. He's not available to be with your, therefore he shouldn't be. You have the power to walk away, you don't have the power to make him be truthful, faithful or to accept who he is.

Personally, I think you deserve better then this. Don't you want to be with someone that can be with you openly and honestly? Someone that doesn't have to slink around behind his spouse's back? Someone that knows who he is and what he wants? Someone that can love you and only you?

This isn't going to end with everyone being happy, sadly, someone is going to get hurt.

I wish I could give you a quick fix but I can't, there isn't one.

This is all up to you, you alone can change your part in this.

Good luck. :)

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Originally Posted by deviover

I'm just trying to understand what my role is in this situation, and whether what I'm doing is right or not, regardless of one's moral standpoint. Is not one's happiness and contributing to the happiness of others one of the most important lessons of life? To complete this debate, I do agree that the outcome of this situation rests on my friend's actions, not mine.

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Your role in this situation as far as I can read is as the other man. You are the "friend's" lover (oral sex is sex) and accomplice in adultery.

You seem to want to distance yourself from any emotion except happiness in this situation. Your happiness and his. What about his wife's happiness? What about the hurt and pain that finding out her husband was unfaithful could and would cause? Do you take any responsibility for adding to that?

You could take care of the entire problem by walking away and leaving him to his marriage and the mess he is making of it. But that isn't what you seem to want to read.

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Originally Posted by deviover

, I do agree that the outcome of this situation rests on my friend's actions, not mine. He needs to own up to the life that he's living,

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Your actions will determine the outcome of this situation, not his. Granted he could be more open and honest with his wife, but you are the outsider here. You have the option of distancing yourself from this troubled relationship. Neither he nor his wife nor the baby do, if there is to be a relationship.

You don't want to hear this, but your lover has chosen someone else. You are still free to find someone, he thinks he has and it isn't you.

This is not criticism, accusation, or judgement. These are the facts as you have stated them.

Catsmine, I respect your answer. And I agree. You're right. Neither my friend, his wife, nor their unborn child have many options or decisions to make. With reference to Woodsman and some of the comments he's made, he has made it clear that he's happy in his marriage, and his encounters with men seem to be more temporary fulfillments than long-term nurturing. I say this to simply point out the difference between his situation and mine I, unfortunately have allowed myself to develop something more long-term with this man than even I wouldn't ask for myself. And, yes, he HAS made his decision. I do need to step back sexually from our relationship.

Deviover, I was thinking the same thing. Outside of what others think (and judge), you are correct - my encounters are on a more "basic" level, where yours seem to be emotionally tied. That is a fundamental difference, and not an easy one.

I don't have an easy answer for you - there are too many variables. I do think your "lover" is using you as an emotional crutch - and maybe a sexual one as well. The next move is up to you - maybe a withdrawal to a neutral "friends only" status would allow him to make a decision as to whether he wants to stay in his marriage or not.

I still maintain that it may be better to not let his wife know, if possible. I believe I've explained my reasoning in that regard. My opinion, of course.

I would let his wife know for this reason... STD's. THings like Herpes and AIDS have no cure. Many married couples assume there is no fooling around. Thus rely on birth control OTHER than condoms. THat opens up the unsuspecting partner to uncurable and possibly fatal infection.

Now if she knew about it and allowed it, and took precautions.. then that's their choice to make as it would be an informed one.

Hey,

Quite interesting I may add. Well here is my story in a nutshell. I met a guy 5 months ago. Married of course. I was so attracted to him the first time we met. It felt a very strong connection. I didn't know he was married until the second time we met. It was difficult for me but I knew that it wouldn't work out so I let it go but we kept seeing each other. The sex was great but something else was going on and for some reason I was developing feelings for him... but I could def feel that he was dealing with the same thing... We didn't act on it until he wanted more. It was very scary at first and morally felt bad for him but he was feeling very secure about his feelings for me. At this point he is getting divorced and came out completely to his family; it has been very difficult to deal with all this but its worth it. We love each other very much. He is struggling with stuff right now and I am being very supportive. I don't think a guy can be straight if they are messing around with another guys. I honestly think they are repressing themselves to conform to the standards which I understand since I was married to and I tried to be part of it as well. I didn't cheat on my wife but I did watch porn and I was getting involve with a guy emotionally which was not right. It is difficult to be gay. I don't care for the night life and that's what I think it will work for us. My thing is to be happy and as weird as it sounds I rather experience this with a man that being with a woman. Woman can't make me happy fully.
Well my suggestion to you is to wait or maybe ask him if he would be willing to change his entire life for actually be who he is. Although that can be very difficult to do. Hope the best for you.