Sorry I'm late. But I read everything.

Yes, he was decieving you.
I know it was hard, but I respect your decision to leave him. You say you have talked with him about it. If he lied about it for seven months, imagine what else, possibly worse, he could have been lying about the whole time.

Unfortunately, you two aren't a match. Don't give up though, there must be someone out there for you.

Good luck! :)

Yep. You are making the right choice and I agree it's fortunate you are going out of town. I really admire your resolve and self possession. I hope you find someone who is your equal when you are ready.

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

It wasn’t easy but I got my answers. He basically said that I am the closest he’s ever met to his dream woman, but there are two issues. The first is religion. While he claims to feel connected to me on a deep spiritual level, he has a problem that we are different religions. I’m not so sure I buy this as we discussed this in depth when we met. He is Jewish and I am a non-denominational Christian. He was brought up by a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, who had issues with their families over the religious difference but make it work as a couple. He claims that while he didn’t think it was an issue at first he has been concerned lately.

The second issue is the sexual issue. NOhelp4u had that one pegged pretty well. He referred to the sex we have as mind-blowing, but said that sometimes he needs something more than that. It was difficult but what he finally admitted was that he wants to do things that are dangerous, degrading, or vile. One example is auto-erotic asphyxia, but it was all pretty extreme. I was a little upset because we had discussed this type of thing early on and he knew how I felt. He led me to believe he felt the same way. His “explanation” was that he thought maybe he would be satisfied without it but finds he needs it as a part of his sex life.

I told him I couldn’t accept that and we decided to part ways. In the 20 minutes it took to drive home, he left a voicemail, 2 texts, and an e-mail all saying that he doesn’t want to lose me and he wants to work together to figure things out. I’m not interested in working things out. I feel deceived, and I’ve lost my trust in him. I would rather walk away from this while I can still hold my head up and still remember that there were some great parts of the relationship. I am so glad that I’m going out of town tomorrow. I think the change of environment will be good for me. Thanks again to those of you who responded to my posts. Now, I just need to find a way to calm down and get a good night’s rest so I can start fresh tomorrow.

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I'm SO sorry that it turned out like this! You must be feeling awful.

I have to say though that the religion thing as the deal breaker really puzzles me - he says that he's spiritually connected to you, but can't accept that you're a different religion and he nevertheless wants to practice dangerous sexual acts?

In my mind, one's religious and sexual practices are a choice. They are not us. To believe that they control us means that we are incapable of taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions and changing them if we wish to.

There is something seriously skewed in his thinking and your intuition is telling you to beware. Listen to your intuition, because your mind will kick in soon telling you all the reasons you should give him another chance.

It's fortuitous that you're away for a week. Give yourself some time to reflect and don't respond to any of his communications.

Let us know how you go.

I'm finding it difficult to calm down and go to sleep so I came back here to see if there was anything new to read. My mind has been spinning a bit, but my resolve has not changed. I turned my phone off so I wouldn't be tempted to read or listen to the messages he continued to send in the last couple of hours. I haven't looked at my e-mails, either. I think maybe it's too early to make sense of this, but in looking back on the last 7 months I still don't see where there were any red flags until the last month. That's probably one of the harder things to deal with because it makes me wonder how I will be able to trust my intuition the next time I'm attracted to someone. We had so many deep conversations throughout our time together and the messages were always consistent. We covered the important topics, and I believed I knew him well. I think he must have been a master of deception as my friends and family all had the highest opinion of him. Sadly, my parents were killed in a car accident 15 months ago so I was not only lacking their input but I think I may have been more desperate for a love connection than I realized. I never felt that way, but it's something I need to consider. I know I need to take time to reflect on all of this. As the night goes on, I am finding myself getting angrier … but I think that is natural and probably even healthy.

I believe you have figured yourself out much more by this situation. Just by what you post now compared to your original post shows that much.

Yes, he probably was very good at hiding his true intentions.

My only new advice to you is to wait. Don't go back to this guy. Next time you find a guy you really click with, don't jump straight to sex. Make sure you completely covered what each other want from it, and take it slow.
Relationships seem to work out better when sex isn't a priority in the beginning.

Have a successful, enjoyable trip. Don't worry about this and come back to a fresh start. He may have become fascinated by the news about Carradine; the timing is suspicious. Don't mistrust your intuition.

As HelpinHere says, take your time next time. The best progression I have found is: acquaintance, buddy, friend, close friend, lover, mate. To take all of those steps should run about 2 to 10 years, but skipping one leads to message boards.

I know so many guys that act the way they want you to believe they are until months later when they think that you are so in love with them that what they are really all about won't matter because they have you so in love with them. There probably wasn't anything you could have said or done that would have made anything go any differently.

One thing I noticed is when you get in another relationship don't pour your heart out about the negatives of your other relationships because often that gives a guy a gauge on what he needs to hide and things to avoid letting you know until later when he thinks he has you wrapped around his finger. They will even hold things you say against you like ''No wonder your boyfriend dumped you'' even if you were the one that had dumped him.

Just stick to your guns, be yourself and don't let any guy get over on you.

Consider yourself lucky this came out BEFORE you was married and had kids.

I consider myself pretty open minded... but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

People die from that all the time... jeeze, go with your heart... you should not be asked to change to suit someone if they truly love you.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I consider myself pretty open minded...but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

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Yeah. And don't forget the other things she didn't list for us, probably out of politeness.:eek:

I was thinking about his "next level" remarks. More like a down a few levels than up to a new level.

Please guys... I'm having my breakfast and I want to keep it down! :(

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Consider yourself lucky this came out BEFORE you was married and had kids.

I consider myself pretty open minded...but Auto-erotic Aphyxia :eek:

People die from that all the time....jeeze, go with your heart...you should not be asked to change to suit someone if they truely love you.

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I have to agree. I myself practise BDSM, however the autoerotic aphyxia is dangerous and has caused deaths in many cases! Definitely something to stay away from. Especially with someone you have not known long *a year is not long in my book* nor when BOTH partys are not into it.

Good luck hon. Don't stress over it. You will find someone to love.

It’s been a couple of days now so I thought I’d give an update as a couple of people were kind enough to ask that I do so. I think I realized that what I originally thought was an issue about sex really turned into a much deeper issue about relationships, honesty, trust, and learning something about myself. I’m still pretty upset and disillusioned, but trying to work through it all. My initial response was to throw myself into work, which got me through the days – but the nights were another matter. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating, but I am determined to turn this into a positive. In that regard, I dug into this site and found an amazing thread that I have been reading on the Relationships board entitled, “Girlfriend wants to break up after 5 years”. The struggles of this poster and the advice he is being given have opened my eyes to some amazing insights. I’m about 300 posts into the thread, but I feel such hope for how to proceed. Where I was dreading my return home at the end of the week, I’m now excited that I have a plan in the works and I want to get started on it. I’ve spent the better part of my life working on my education and career goals and now I see the next phase as being focused on self-actualization, for lack of a better term. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s as if a light bulb has gone off in my head.

Remember that the struggles and trials we go through are not in vain when we learn something and can help others with what we learned. I know me and many others on this site have been through many of the things that we answer.
My old boss asked me the other day 'implying' I was a hypocrite that I could tell others about relationship problems when I've had nothing but bad relationships. But it is the people that have went through stuff that know what worked and what didn't.
So even though you have gone through this you now can be stronger and wiser.

You certainly helped me - tell your boss that! Sometimes it's difficult to see the obvious answer when you are so involved, and when you think you know someone so well. I was under the impression that I needed to do something to fix the problem, but the truth was that I couldn't have done anything but what I did... walk away. You can take credit for my action, and I appreciate that.

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

It’s been a couple of days now so I thought I’d give an update as a couple of people were kind enough to ask that I do so. I think I realized that what I originally thought was an issue about sex really turned into a much deeper issue about relationships, honesty, trust, and learning something about myself. I’m still pretty upset and disillusioned, but trying to work through it all. My initial response was to throw myself into work, which got me thru the days – but the nights were another matter. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating, but I am determined to turn this into a positive. In that regard, I dug into this site and found an amazing thread that I have been reading on the Relationships board entitled, “Girlfriend wants to break up after 5 years”. The struggles of this poster and the advice he is being given have opened my eyes to some amazing insights. I’m about 300 posts into the thread, but I feel such hope for how to proceed. Where I was dreading my return home at the end of the week, I’m now excited that I have a plan in the works and I want to get started on it. I’ve spent the better part of my life working on my education and career goals and now I see the next phase as being focused on self-actualization, for lack of a better term. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s as if a light bulb has gone off in my head.

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Reading the experiences of other people can sometimes be our greatest teachers - I'm very glad that you're feeling hopeful and more importantly empowered to continue, despite the lack of sleep and appetite. They do come back!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Just Looking

Sometimes it's difficult to see the obvious answer when you are so involved, and when you think you know someone so well. I was under the impression that I needed to do something to fix the problem, but the truth was that I couldn't have done anything but what I did ... walk away.

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The thing is as you have come to see is that we get involved and want to fit everything into the neat little package. Then when it doesn't work that way our judgment gets clouded and confused yet we keep trying to make the round peg fit into the square hole. We end up just sinking further into denial and can't see from any other perspective.

I went the whole week without talking to him, or returning his texts or emails. Today was my first day back at my office, and when I came out to go home he was standing by my car waiting for me. He apologized, but said he didn’t know what else to do because I wouldn’t respond to him. I live in a gated community so he saw my office as the only way to approach me. The bottom line is that he said he realizes that what he wants is unhealthy and dangerous, and he plans to go to therapy to address it. His initial appointment is on Friday. He understands that I don’t want a romantic relationship now, but he wants to know that I will try to be understanding and supportive. He’s asking me to not withdraw my friendship. It would be easiest to just go on with my life and forget about him, but I wonder if there is a chance to help him if I should do it – mostly because he has asked me to help, but also because I know there is a good person in there. I mentioned we met on New Year’s Eve. That was our first date, but we had actually talked extensively by phone, e-mail and g-chat for 6 weeks before that date. A good deal of it was helping me cope with my grief, advice on my parents’ estate, and figuring out what to do with my life.

I’m just looking for some advice. I know at the very least I would have to be clear in my mind to what extent I am willing to be involved and then I need to make sure he understands that. I guess I’m wondering if there is hope here. I’ve talked to my closest friends who encourage me to help – but they see it as a romantic idea. I haven’t told them the details of why we broke up, just that there were some things I couldn’t accept – it seemed wrong to discuss something so personal.

You can be there for a moral support but like you said you need to keep a clear head and see what it is for what it is.
Let him get his therapy and watch his progress. If he does good you should know when, where, what, etc... of what you want.
Take it one day at a time and don't go jumping into anything

I think it was great of him to help you last year, but the situation is very different. Among other things, he had an ulterior motive. You were falling for one another.

Now it's different: you have just broken up with him. Continuing to be in contact with him will be hard on you and make it difficult for you to move on. I respect your decision not to tell your friends about his sexual preferences. (That's a hard one, since you might not necessarily want for them to become involved with him and you also want their support if you decide not to stay in touch with him.)

I think it's inappropriate for him to ask you for help with this. He is trying to maintain contact despite your clearly expressed wish to break off. His appearing outside your work can be construed as romantic, I suppose. But it's also controlling and a boundary violation. His request for help with the very thing that most upsets you is putting the burden on you to help him become healthy. In my opinion, his behavior is manipulative. I think if he really wants to change, he does not need your help to do it. I think his request is just his way of trying to stay in contact, hoping you'll come back. That's understandable, but he wasn't thinking about that when he repeatedly told you that you weren't measuring up sexually.

I would resume NC.

My 2 cents.

No contact is the best way... you NEED to have a clean break... and very few people could remain friiends without any stress in this situation... I am not among those few.