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Originally Posted by danb73

Well, she's practically breaking down crying saying she wants to try and change the way she feels about it, even though shes almost convinced an "open" relationship would work and that I assumed too much early on when I assumed she would want a "normal" monogomous relationship.

We both feel that the other is trying to spin the argument to fit our own feelings/beliefs.

I told her I need time to think about it, and that there would be trust issues.

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Stick to your guns. You know what your values are.

You could counter that she assumed too much too early by assuming you would be OK with her shagging this guy when she felt like it. You're lucky to have found this out before the relationship went too far.

This relationship is a one way street to nowhere.

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Stick to your guns. You know what your values are.

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Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm always of the old style belief in relationships that a monogamous relationship should be well... monogamous.

I.E. the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period

Key words: SINGLE MATE

The thing is you can't have all the candy in the candy store. You cannot say well I want you but I'm going to take him to. It just doesn't work that way. It sounds as if she is not ready for a committed relationship at this point in her life and frankly you deserve better. Don't let her guilt you back into the relationship. Her feelings may be hurt now but what about yours? You don't need to worry about the "temptation being too great" every day of your existing relationship. Right now she just wants her old screw buddy but maybe she'll find that check out guy at the grocery store too tempting next, or perhaps some guy at a bar. Not worth it.

Holy cow!

I'd cry too if I were like that woman! Cry because I'm completely incapable of caring about other people's feelings... especially my boyfriend's!

Why are you asking for ideas?

The only "idea" I have is getting rid of her! Then she can go find a guy who wants to emotionally separate himself from their relationship as she's doing with yours!

Crap! I mean, what the heck!

Sometimes I really don't know how I can read some of these threads without punching someone in the face...

I think she should go advertise for a boyfriend that is fine with an open relationship while OP goes and finds him a good woman that knows how to be a faithful mate.

An open relationship ONLY works if:

1. All members in the open relationship are on board with the idea--you're not.
2. There is complete and total trust--you don't have that, not after only 4 months.
3. There is open and honest communication--I don't think you're getting that either, with the way she's waffling on things.


You don't even have a good base for a NORMAL relationship at this point, because you don't have the same idea of what a relationship should be.

My advice is to tell her goodbye, and move on.

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Originally Posted by danb73

Well, she's practically breaking down crying saying she wants to try and change the way she feels about it, even though shes almost convinced an "open" relationship would work and that I assumed too much early on when I assumed she would want a "normal" monogomous relationship.

We both feel that the other is trying to spin the argument to fit our own feelings/beliefs.

I told her I need time to think about it, and that there would be trust issues.

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I would not trust her... people do not change overnight, and people do not make HUGE lifestyle changes without experiencing a major life trauma. This has NOT happened.

Most people slip right back into old habits after a short while.

I recommend you walk away now and don't look back. There is only heartache and sorrow where this one is involved... doesn't matter that the sex was good. You can have that with most women... as well as a real relationship with shared values which means even more.

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

I've said it once before... love will take you to your highest highs, and lowest lows.

Know it hurts, but you need to cut her loose. Chalk it up to experience. Only 4 months in... count your losses and go on about your life. Don't waste any more energy on her. Good luck finding a better one next time.

I can completely understand where you are coming from danib.

It's much easier to talk about relationships and emotions that are not your own.

I understand that walking away is not nearly as easy an action as it is to type, but the facts are still the same.

Perhaps you could try just being platonic friends for a while so you can properly sort these emotions out for yourself. You are getting tugged every which way here and she should respect that you need time to think without all of the pressure. How she acts while you are part may also help be an indicator. If she was willing to work things through then and truly wanted only you then she won't use the break as an excuse to go pony riding.

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Originally Posted by Rich11111

Sure tell her her she can have sex with him, just make sure to tell her not to come back after.

Even if she doesn't have sex with him, to seriously consider cheating when your only four months into a relationship is a clear sign that it will fail.

I say end it. If she is this eager to have sex with someone else at this point in your relationship, knowing how much it will hurt you, i don't see how she will remain loyal to you if this becomes long term.
Break up with her now and save yourself a lot of heartbreak.

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Definitely!! She isn't worth it. If she can sleep with someone else and it not effect her in anyway. She isn't really into the relationship like you are.

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Originally Posted by danb73

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

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It is easy face to face as well when you have been through it yourself and didn't do that at the time, and learned the serious heartache and stress that will result from experience... I have. This is why I say, run, don't walk away. I've been there before.

I'm not just dishing out the advice... I've lived it as well.

If you don't follow it, you will waste a good portion of your life... suffer unknown amounts of stress... and this will far excede the small amount of separation anxiety you will have to deal with in any breakup.

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Originally Posted by danb73

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

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I see where you are coming from, but this isn't true. You just need a sense of pride, and realize she isn't right for you. Ignore every reason you like her, and think about everything you can that you dislike (focusing on this issue).
Trust me, I've been cheated on by a girl I thought I "loved" and that works, makes it easy to do it.

Good Luck! I know it's hard, but I also know you can do it.

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Originally Posted by danb73

I appreciate everyone's advice. As silly as it may sound to you all, I am on the fence. It's easy to say "dump her and move on" when you are talking on the internet and are not with people face to face. I also know it's good to get advice from third parties who can be more objective.

I think she is genuine in wanting to make it work. I know she has the ability to be monogomous because she has done it in past relationships and for several years in her marriage before it fell apart.

I know many of you will probably "flame" me for this but I am on the fence. It's harder when you're the person dealing with the situation and not giving advice online.

I don't want to sound ungrateful though, I have read a lot of good advice here.

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I'd like to approach this with a little more optimism than I have seen in other posts.

I am polyamorous, and have been for several decades. It is possible that she can be monogomous. I don't think this is the best way for her to begin to show that. Just like there are a great many people who are incapable of being poly, there are equally as many that are not capable of being monogomous.

My advice would be to let her know that you are not poly, and are not comfortable with that lifestyle. Let her know that the idea of her being with another man hurts you. Jealousy is a completely reasonable emotion, but one that can destroy even the most faithful of relationships.

Also, bare in mind that you two have been together for four months. As serious as you might feel about her, you are still in the stage of discovery. She is being honest with you. So now, you need to be honest with her. There is a good chance that this will mean the end of this relationship, but that is what relationships are about. This is obviously something that you are not comfortable compromising about, and you shouldn't force yourself to. She should not force herself to give up part of her personality that defines her as a person. Incompatibility doesn't make either of you a bad person, just incompatible.

Hopefully this turns out for the better.

After four months, you are finding out that the intensity is unequal. If you can change from "boyfriend" to "steady piece" then she can change from "girlfriend" to "friend with benefits". That's about the only positive future you have given us reason to foresee.

I think it's great that this girl is telling you before hand. At least she is showing some kind of respect. She's actually asking you to accept her lifestyle/choices and be okay with it. You'd be silly to accept her ways and not be able to live with it. I don't know who would put themselves through the heart-ache.

You could either accept her decisions and lifestyle that she chooses, or consider that you may have crossed paths at the wrong time.

If you accept her lifestyle now and you're not entirely happy with it, you're only going to get hurt. Why would you do it to yourself and let another opportunity pass you by where you will be truly happy.

Could you imagine how she'd react if you were to have casual sex with another female? Maybe an open relationship is what she wants.

You will end up raising his children if you marry her. If you marry a woman and she has a child by another man, then it is still considered your child unless you divorce her before she has the baby. If later on, she leaves you, then you will be stuck with child support.

Hell, she could make you the legal father, divorce you, go marry the other guy, and have you support their kids until they are out of college. If she moves out of state, forget about ever getting to see those kids too.

You did notice this post was from August 2009? And in 4 years they had only 7 posts.