Ask Me Help Desk - Attention! Is Husband Cheating with SISTER!

I just had a baby five months ago and have been doing everything all the time - I never get out and when I did for the first time in 2 1/2 years... he pulled the Wedding Album out and slept on the couch till I got home. Then the following Wednesday didn't come home at all. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone. I want my parents to stop asking me to jump the second they need something - I do have children and I can't just stop what I am doing all the time to ask "how high?" I have now this going on with my sister and my brother (divorcee) that said to my sister that he wants to take my husband out on a job outside of the province and get him laid. Then everyone is trying to move into our house... his mother, his brother, my sister and now my brother. We tried helping a few people and then next thing I know I have to change my number because people (even extended extended family is asking for our time and our money - I have no idea why people think we have it?) Ever since I can remember EVERYONE tried splitting us up and I feel like I am going insane... I feel like I am starting to get paranoid but the depression I have is minor - it is in relation to childbirth but over the last two months everything was good.

Now I know I have to talk to someone professional; we both do and we both agreed not to talk to her anymore... for the sake of our marriage and our children. I have been through a lot with him and a lifetime of dysfunction with my family. I honestly never thought this would ever happen... I have accepted what everyone has told me and I will keep it low key but I am not sure I will let it go right away and will need to sort this out appropriatly.

Thank you everyone for helping; I hope I am crazy and none of this is actually happening - it's just every time I pinch myself to wake up I am still here.

You take care of you first and tell them you are busy with the kids.
I really do believe he is cheating with your sister and they are using flimsy excuses and expecting you to buy them.
His sleeping on the couch with your wedding album was just another tactic to throw you off and guilt trip you for going out.
Becareful that he is not just being more cautious at things like erasing all her messages and being more sneaky.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I just had a baby five months ago and have been doing everything all the time - I never get out and when I did for the first time in 2 1/2 years...he pulled the Wedding Album out and slept on the couch till I got home. Then the following Wednesday didn't come home at all. All I want is for everyone to leave me alone. I want my parents to stop asking me to jump the second they need something - I do have children and I can't just stop what I am doing all the time to ask "how high?" I have now this going on with my sister and my brother (divorcee) that said to my sister that he wants to take my husband out on a job outside of the province and get him laid. Then everyone is trying to move into our house...his mother, his brother, my sister and now my brother. We tried helping a few people and then next thing I know I have to change my number because people (even extended extended family is asking for our time and our money - I have no idea why people think we have it?) Ever since I can remember EVERYONE tried splitting us up and I feel like I am going insane...I feel like I am starting to get paranoid but the depression I have is minor - it is in relation to childbirth but over the last two months everything was good.

Now I know I have to talk to someone professional; we both do and we both agreed not to talk to her anymore...for the sake of our marriage and our children. I have been through a lot with him and a lifetime of dysfunction with my family. I honestly never thought this would ever happen...I have accepted what everyone has told me and I will keep it low key but I am not sure I will let it go right away and will need to sort this out appropriatly.

Thank you everyone for helping; I hope I am crazy and none of this is actually happening - it's just every time I pinch myself to wake up I am still here.

I think that you need to divorce your family - seriously. Why would people be so involved in your life unless you allow it? Stop allowing it and put some strong boundaries up between yourself and these people. They sound like parasites that won't stop sucking your blood until you pull them off and chuck them away. Get a counselor to help you with this, it's not healthy and you'll go mad unless you create some distance.

This is what we call a "Toxic family" you need to divorce THEM- no more! Tell them to leave you alone and that it is useless for them to ask for handouts/support until such time as YOU feel you may be able to provide such comfort to such scum and leeches!

This sounds EXACTLY like my family-dump them!

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

my brother (divorcee) that said to my sister that he wants to take my husband out on a job outside of the province and get him laid.

Your brother is trying to get your husband to cheat on you? You seriously need to get away from these people, family or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

Now I know I have to talk to someone professional; we both do and we both agreed not to talk to her anymore...for the sake of our marriage and our children.

It's good that your husband is actually making an effort, however I doubt he will discontinue seeing her, especially as he has members of your family helping him keep secrets and actually encouraging him to cheat on you.

I'm not even sure what to say... You are in a bad situation, and any way you turn its bad too, in some way or other.

Got to say I feel for you, this is a rought situation to be in if you can't even trust your own family.

You need to cut ties from both.. yes BOTH

My hubby does not admit to anything and I am not sure if anything actually happened, I do believe him by the way of my heart but not by the way of my mind. What choice do I have anymore? My children need a family and though my hubby and I have some disagreements - even physical - it does go both ways and I accept my responsibility and he accepts his. We mutually caused it to each other, we have come past it and moved forward but not with all this new stuff popping up - I am growing very angry.

As it goes for the cheating with my sister - my heart says no because my husband always puts me first, then the kids and then himself. I have always been his center of his world and there is deep love and commitment regardless of our past issues - everyone needs to fall and rise, everyone makes mistakes because we are all human and I forgive him; he forgives me because that is what love is about... just not to this extent - still have no proof of anything and I can not let assumptions to drive me to make irrational and impulsive to result to a devastating decision that will effect my children the most.

Everything has been good, he said I just got you back 2 months ago - why would I piss it all away? He hates my family and he hates his family and we agree on everything in the past but I don't agree with the way he is manipulating people now to prove to me how badly my family is for me. We always come to the same consensus and we both have so much in common... hard to believe what he was doing but I treat intent as bad as actually cheating and by the look of it there was opportunity - I am threatened by my sister and not by my husband... if that makes any sense? My hubby told me that my sister said that "we should go to Banff together for a day some time to relax!" - WAIT A MINUTE...shouldn't she say..."You two need time together and why don't you two go to Banff for one day and have some fun; I can watch the kids?" My husband also indicated he didn't like how when she came in the house she always commented on how lovely everything was and how lucky we where...every visit - I never took to it.

We do give too much power to everyone around us because we want to help other people and have good relationships but it's not...they hurt us either financially, emotionally, our marriage, our children, our house hold (e.i. My house is clean like a show home and everything is done (beds fixed, clothes washed, dishes, tables, leather couches, floors and dinner made) but I do nothing and everything is upside down and I can't help the swing, jumper, saucer and playpen - they need different stations and toys but I keep it orderly? They also disagree with our parenting, seemingly brainwash my 2 1/2 year old (Yesterday I went to my mom's house and left the kids for 30 minutes while we ran to the store and she thought I was gone but I wasn't - she said "This is your house not Mummy's house, you should spank mummy when she is mad at you". - Not to say I do get a little upset when she gets into something dangerous). Everyone talks about EVERYONE - it's not just about us and I DON'T TRUST ANYONE - but you can imagine how high my defenses are all the time...it actually makes me physically ill.

I feel like packing my stuff and moving out-of-Province, my husband and children too...nor am I going to tell anyone where I am. I should just sell the house and leave...maybe send a postcard from the next nearest City. Everyone calls, everyone comes over and I have bent over backwards cooking and serving them - making them at home. I know I am not perfect but I have never lied, cheated, stole, deliberately hurt anyone and I have always tried to help...I was the neutral one in the family...now since we bought our house and since the conception of my son...I have no idea what when wrong?

Should I just leave everything and start new all over again with MY family? "We" feel like paranoid crack addicts because now with all this new information and finding out people are talking about me behind my back and our backs... everyone is out to get me or get us. This statement does not sound normal to me... I feel like that statements sounds like its coming from someone crazy and I am generally a very grounded person.

The only way to tell for sure is you AND him break ties with your family. They emotionally broke your trust so you have every right to keep your distance to save your marriage.

You definitely need to stand up for yourself. It's an admirable thing to have faith in people and want to believe the best in them, but it's entirely another thing for everyone and your uncle to walk all over you and disrespect you.

Your sister has a bad history. Call bull, and tell her to stop whoring around with your husband. And don't back down just because they give you flimsy excuses. If you decide to stay with your husband then good for you, a lot of people don't even bother now days.

I don't believe that marriage should be about being selfish. Call me old fashioned. But this is the life you lead, only YOU can decide what YOU will and will NOT tolerate. If you want to forgive him, then do so, but not at the expense of your self-respect. Do so because you respect yourself, not in spite of the fact that you get bowled over by family. Too many people give up on marriage without a second thought these days. It's become the social norm. You aren't abnormal for wanting to keep your family together.

Things will only change if you stop allowing the family to walk all over you. The sooner the better. And don't let any of them tell you that you can't. Simply put, this is your life, this is what you expose yourself AND your kids to. If you don't like it, initiate some change that is acceptable.

You are no one's foot stool, and no one should be able to treat you like this and disrespect you. Give yourself some backbone and stand up for yourself.

I have read Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and did the exercises-I STRONGLY advise you to go to the library and borrow it or buy if you can afford it.

Now I'm not a great Dr. Phil advocate, but in this case, the book is brilliant.

You and your immediate family are being pressured by these toxic people in your lives-you two will suffer and so will your child/ren if you don't get away from the bull$hit.

Thank you to everyone for your compassionate responses, support and understanding...I have read all the responses and I will buy the Dr. Phil book...maybe both my husband and I can start reading some empowering self help books 15 minutes a night and talk about it. THANK YOU FOR READING MY THREAD AND ALL MY POSTS in your carefully articulated responses...you all have no idea how much I appreciate your time, energy and effort in helping me.

My sister and I have a very close relationship; even spiritual and even in consideration of her wrap sheet... I was willing to listen and to respond "principally centered" and not "reactive" - though the blood in my veins where boiling hot in temperature and I could envision steam rolling out of my ears while feel like dying and crying at the same time. I had to overcome my emotions and stepped out of my position to listen to them both. Still, there is a BUT and thank God I found these messages before my sisters common law husband did - otherwise something bad would have happened and it would have been worse for everyone.

For my sister to reach out today was transparent enough for me to see that perhaps she knows she was wrong in her responses - she wouldn't have had the courage to call me, explain and apologize for the misconstrued and misconceived, inappropriate messages (she is known to go in her shell for retreat when some threat arises). I explained to her if my husband would have not become possessive and angry over his phone then I wouldn't have checked. Since he cornered me into the bathroom and was pounding on the door then I accessed the texts... this is why this came to be - RED FLAGS. If he acted normal and nonchalant in the first place this would have continued and nothing would have come to surface. If he would have communicated with me and explained the situation immediately after I read the texts, there would have been WHITE FLAGS and we could work it out as a couple. Worse yet I indicated to both of them if her common law husband found out perhaps then my husband would have been in the hospital with serious injury from him and the situation that was "supposedly innocent" would have been disastrous - my husband, me, my children, her and her common law husband would have been in a wreck - people would be hurt and the WHOLE FAMILY WOULD BE INVOLVED. I also told my husband that if my sisters partner did find out - he would be in the hospital because her man has NO REASONING WHATSOEVER and you shouldn't play with fire no matter what point you need to make to me. This was not the way to go about it and next time he is plotting to expose someone in my family for their true intentions to let me know what he is doing (Though I still wouldn't have approved this at all I would know his intentions in doing so and there would be no surprise). Maybe it was meant to be that I found out before my sisters partner did?

This sister is the one person in my life that has been like a mother to me. I don't know what to believe... so I will leave it be for now and accept what they are saying, however, I will be on my toes and I will hire a P.I. if either of their "behavior" changes in some fashion that it brings alarm. I will give no indication of my action by showing no external characteristic's or behaviors in doing so - eventually if something is happening then they will slip again. I just hate putting conditions on "things", "situations" or "people" when I say I have accepted because there should never be conditions on acceptations, if that makes any sense? If I choose now, later I can not say; I choose otherwise - I have to pick my poison and once I make my decision, later, I can not choose because that choice was already made and will lead me to a different juncture in my life. I am and we are who and what we are because of our decisions carefully or neglectfully made in the past and I don't want to be on the railroad tracks later without direction, purpose... or happiness.

I just wanted to know the truth so I can base my decision on facts and not emotion. I can be from one extreme to another and it took a great deal of self control to listen. My sister and I talked today for over an hour... she apologized if it was perceived for more then what it actually was. She is angry with herself for putting herself in a negligible position - by responding jokingly to his texts that he initiated. He already explained his reasons and I don't approve of his reasoning or actions, I do accept what he is saying, however, he has a lot of trust issues with me now - he knows he has to earn it back. I do think somehow that there was intention and there was opportunity... this is the bothersome point - why would he send it? And why would she respond? Joking or No Joking - my brother-in-law slaps my bum and says all sorts of inappropriate things to me and to my husband - this is my other sisters husband, you know what I did? I slap him and tell him off - THEN I TELL MY SISTER WHAT HE DID... I do not want to improvise my position with my sister nor am I allowing someone to insult my principals and standards of self respect and overstep my limitations. Crazy how I am put in this situation and you see my actions to my sisters? (I have two sisters and one older brother) Approach, perception, reaction and consequence/result.

So I have let go of the situation and have not brought it up with my husband since our discussion as of the last post I made prior to this one. I am gong to lay low and stay aware... I am not going to discuss or bring this up with them again... move on and watch for any progression in the matter. I have maintained my relationship with the BOTH of them and am staying on the higher path. I just don't know if compromising my trust is going to be a lack of respect for myself as Chey said? Synnan - I did take your advice and here I am now - thank you for your approach method - clearly acceptance is my issue now and I will have to accept and future repercussions as a direct result of the here and now. Gemini54 you explain my family just as I feel them... thank you for your empathy (the greenie cut me off before I could finish). Xrayman thank you for the book reference and I hope you are not going through what I am or anything of the sorts. Nohelp4u - I am taking that advice of limiting my family and possibly relocating in 2010 - FAR FAR AWAY. Start fresh and live by some large body of water would be great. Rich - I really pray you are wrong about the discontinuance of them still seeing each other - I pray they stop even though I know I don't want to hear that - I hope I can trust and accept what my husband says and keep relationships friendly until I up and leave. Thank you to Smoothy and simmonaugie and everyone for your input as well. I will be on patrol - I HATE the thought that I have to watch my back now, like I am some sort of paranoid and oversuspicious cat - can't trust anyone. Actually I trust people on this site with this - I have not talked to anyone but all of you - not one friend because I don't want anyone to pass judgment on my husband; then on me... when I really don't know if anything even did happen... all I have is the texts and what they say. My heart believes that nothing actually happened but I do believe that intent and opportunity may actually be there.

Maybe I am not making the right decision; maybe I am? I hope the Lord is watching over me and leading me to the light. I can't wait for May of 2010 so I can enter the 9 personal year cycle (numerology) because that is the year everything comes to a close and all projects become complete and finally... all those who are not good for me are detached - if I don't do it, supposedly the Universe will... change and completion. It kind of sucks that at the end of the day all you have is YOU; body, mind and soul - sometimes it is just spirituality that can save you from completely going crazy. I pray every night for everyone and for a bright future to all, especially those worse off; third world countries (without the basic needs in life) and victims of abuse/crime - I give thanks and say "it is what it is", what is my choice? what do I choose? And how do I recreate my personal mission statement and family mission statement to create my dreams and our dreams into reality or to create harmony and balance in my life and our lives? I have to do a lot of personal delving and find forgiveness for myself and my family - regardless if they are deserving or not right? In the end I am liberating myself and releasing the balls and chains I allowed to be weighing and holding me down in the first place - I can walk away knowing that I chose to be a better person and am walking a higher path - that nothing tainted me but made me stronger. Walking away and being busy does not make me a coward because I am honestly tired of dispensing energy on my family and everyone (not including of my children of course) around me.

"Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others. If they don't interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well-intentioned effort and to give up." - The 7 Habits - Adam Jones.

"I just don't know if compromising my trust is going to be a lack of respect for myself as Chey said?"

Do you feel as though you are compromising your trust, or allowing them both another chance? There's a big difference darlin. I think you did great standing up for yourself and telling them both that you knew. That takes a lot of strength. The only person who can really judge if you are disrespecting yourself is you, though at times it might feel different. If you feel like you are doing the right thing and this is what is best for your family, then I'd call that respecting yourself in a lot of ways.

I'm GLAD to hear that you aren't turning a blind eye or ear to this situation though. It shows smarts. Good luck in your future, I sincerely hope it works out for the best for you.

Here is a link to a site that will help you find a woman's shelter where you can temporarily go with the baby until you are on your feet.

I agree you REALLY need to get away from these people.

Housing.com | Homeless Shelters & Emergency Housing

Text Update:

Thank you Jennie I don't feel the kid's and I will have to resort to a shelter (unless something life threatening occurs). It's just about not answering the phone, not opening the door and keeping things cool, calm, collective, functioning, nurturing and mostly keeping the line of communication open with my husband. My goal is to keep us together and everyone else apart from us after everything that went down. After the discussion with my sister and I got a text:

"HI, AS OF TODAY I NEED MY SPACE. THANKS! FOR NOW, THERE WILL BE NO MORE COMMUNICATIONS WITH ANYONE. SORRY!" - Sister

"I guess you where right about perception and what we should believe. Maybe if nothing is gained then nothing is lost. I am sorry we feel this way or why you had to text this when you could have said this earlier today at noon when we talked. I am the one who felt betrayed and no one is being honest or using an honest approach. Everything has it's purpose. We need to live our lives as we deem just and for our own unique purposes. So the message you sent me has been fully received and after this message, there will be no more communications from us. Best wishes sis." - Me

Now that I am thinking about our discussion of earlier today she said to me "If he was my type and your type - you would have known by now" and she also said "It is up to you if you want to maintain the relationship" and "___ (my husband) is into younger girls like you; I am old...why would he show interest in me" and "he always tells me I am so closed off - I thought this was his way of getting me out of my skin" and "I can see with his reaction and the texts you seen why you would take it the wrong way. You dealt with it well...maybe I wouldn't have done the same" and "we should get together for coffee" and "we should have you guys over for BBQ"... then after all that - she sends me the text. I asked my husband if he was happy; he said he was overjoyed... I asked him why did you have to do this? And he said that he was sick of people taking advantage over me when I give them trust. He said everyone is out to destroy our happiness... but he started it... why did all this happen? Why did she end it? Was she feeling guilt? Or am I reading too much into everything? Am I being too analytical?

I wanted to leave it on a good note. I am not the one who text messaged her husband and played along... she is. Should I feel responsible? Am I to blame? I guess this issue has resolved itself for now... should I still be concerned?

This is the last post I am adding to my thread - it seems as though the situation took care of itself in the end. Dispute to resolution and now dissolution - would this be a desirable outcome to you if you where me?

P.S. Chey I won't turn a blind eye even after this... or until I feel like I can fully trust again.

Good I'm glad you guys aren't in any danger. I just wanted to cover all bases just in case, some people log on here and don't tell everything that's going on. So I like to play it safe :)

Good luck hon. I hope you get this whole mess straightend out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I am not the one who text messaged her husband and played along...she is. Should I feel responsible? Am I to blame? I guess this issue has resolved itself for now...should I still be concerned?

.

She wasn't worried about blame when she was doing what she was doing
You were only doing what needed to be done.
You were the victim here remember that,

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

good im glad you guys arent in any danger. i just wanted to cover all bases just in case, some people log on here and dont tell everything thats going on. so i like to play it safe :)

good luck hon. i hope you get this whole mess straightend out.

Your right, not everything is always brought to light... all I can do is move forward with life.

After my last post of July 24, 2009 I received additional text messages from my sister again... even after my good-bye text. Out of nowhere today she sent me this:

"Leave Me Alone PERMANENTLY!!!" and "All The Best To You And Your Family! Good-bye!"- Sister

"Why are you still texting me if you don't want any further communications? Please stop harassing me or I will have to change my number." - Me

What do you make of this? Maybe I responded immaturely but after the last texts exchanged what more is there to say?

She is trying to turn her guilt on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Be the bigger person by not entertaining her texts while she is having her temper tantrums. If you have to change your number then by all means do so.

You don't need anymore drama from her and right now she is trying to push you out of your element. She did wrong not you but sometimes your family can be your worst enemy.