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Originally Posted by Choux

Dear ex, I would think that it is a pretty good conclusion that your husband is at least bi-sexual. I found that out about my husband. This is not a time to get all emotional; it is a time to quietly discuss the situation. If he trusts you, he will tell you the truth.

You have to take care of your health because if your husband has sex with men, he may have contracted extremely serious diseases. Going forward, you will have to require he use a "sturdy" condom.

Time for some soul searching....your goal in life is to be happy, not to be the police for a husband or any other adult. People hate the spouse who choses to snoop and police actions. People also hate others who blame them for their unhappiness.

Also, never let go of the thought that your goal is to be happy in life. Every adult has to work this out in their own way, sometimes with the help of a mature friend.

Best wishes to you, :)

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Dear Choux, thank you so kindly for your response and for sharing your own personal experience. I am sorry you went through this also. Are you OK?

Your wise advice is similar to advice that I have received in the past.

My mother once told me if a woman ever finds herself snooping on her husband or “policing” him, i.e. following him, checking his e-mails, going through his wallet, looking through his phone, etc… that instead of doing those acts, she should instead pack her bags and leave. Her reasoning was, that if you have to snoop on your husband, or police his activity, then there is no trust - thus no reason to stay.

However against my better judgment, and against my mother’s advice, I went up to my husband’s job last night with the intent to investigate. Without getting into graphic detail, I found all I needed to know.

Anyway, I know what I have to do now, and I can only sit back and thank God that he and I never had any children together.

I will not continue to have intercourse with him, as I cannot stomach the thought. I will call my physician in the morning and schedule another round of testing. I went through this back when the gay porn video incident transpired.

I do love my husband, but I love myself more, and therefore I also have a couple numbers for divorce attorneys.

My pastor says that we can’t allow others to steal our joy. We are entitled to live joyous, happy lives, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Thank you again, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Take care.

Thank you ex, It is very difficult to be married to a man who is a bi sexual.

I wish you the best going forward... happiness and honesty and trust and a good sex life. :)

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Originally Posted by ja77

What has changed then in regards to the sexual relationship between yourself and your husband because there must have been a point that you enjoyed engaging with his sexuality and your own.

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Your guess about what changed is as good as mine…

For the most part, up until 6 months ago we had a satisfying sexual relationship. It is when he started this new job and met this new man when things really started to spiral downward.

When I asked him about his sex drive, or the lack thereof, he told me he was masturbating at work and that nothing else had changed about his sex drive. Now, we all agree that masturbating at work is odd, but with the recent events, I doubt anymore that he was really masturbating.

Furthermore, what I saw last night is enough to convince me that I was right all along.

Thanks again for your support, it has helped me to understand.

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Furthermore, what I saw last night is enough to convince me that I was right all along.

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I am guessing from your reply that you have seen something that you would not have wanted to then.

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Originally Posted by ja77

I am guessing from your reply that you have seen something that you would not have wanted to then.

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Yes, I did.

Wow, I can't say I know a single person who wouldn't have reacted really badly if they were in your situation. You exhibit incredible strength in the face of such a terrible discovery. Kudos to you. "If you're bi, you're gay!"- Carlos Mencia. Come to Alaska, the men here are... well, let's just say they're not bi. More like tri. As in tripod.:D

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Originally Posted by maiden usa

Wow, I can't say I know a single person who wouldn't have reacted really badly if they were in your situation. You exhibit incredible strength in the face of such a terrible discovery. Kudos to you. "If you're bi, you're gay!"- Carlos Mencia. Come to Alaska, the men here are...well, let's just say they're not bi. More like tri. As in tripod.:D

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Thank you for sharing. I just Googled Carlos Mencia. I had not heard of him before. Apparently he is well sought after, and a very wise man to come to the conclusion that he did! I don’t really think what he said is an opinion either, I believe it to be fact.

So you say there are “REAL MEN” in Alaska? Then make way… I’m on the next flight! Do you think you could set me up once I get there? LOL.

Really though, when this is over I can go anywhere I want. Why not Alaska? I have heard that the male female ratio is 8/1... is there any truth to that? :)

Yes, it is hard to keep a happy face in the midst of a crisis, but it would take more than this to completely destroy me! I am a very strong woman, inside and out. I’m still young, and I still have a lot to offer the “right” person… though it might take me a little while to trust again.

All I am looking for is my male counterpart. A man - who is all man - who is secure with his sexuality and knows who he is… geez! You wouldn’t think that was asking too much.

I have no desire to drag this out or drag my husband through the mud. I just want what rightfully belongs to me and then I’m out of here.

By the way, I really like your avatar! Thank you again for giving me hope!

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Originally Posted by exqsme09

I just Googled Carlos Mencia. I had not heard of him before. Apparently he is well sought after, and a very wise man

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Hello again, ex:

Wise man?? He's a comedian on Comedy Central...

Look. Nobody is telling you that you should like anybody who doesn't fit your pictures... That's fine. Get rid of your old man, and move on.

But, your argument about gay people loses something when you start relying on comedians for your "wisdom".

excon

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello again, ex:

Wise man??? He's a comedian on Comedy Central....

Look. Nobody is telling you that you should like anybody who doesn't fit your pictures.... That's fine. Get rid of your old man, and move on.

But, your argument about gay people loses something when you start relying on comedians for your "wisdom".

excon

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Comedian or not, all I said is it takes a wise person to come to that conclusion. Just because he's a comedian doesn't mean he doesn't have wisdom. That is close minded.

Although this is a major concern... the bottom line is, do you love him or not...
Maybe you need to sit and confront him about the issue. Don't bash him for his feelings, or thoughts... try to be understanding about it... based on his response to you, you will have to make a decision on your part as to whether you want to accept him for this...

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Originally Posted by Str8stack71

although this is a major concern.... the bottom line is, do you love him or not......
maybe you need to sit and confront him about the issue. dont bash him for his feelings, or thoughts.... try to be understanding about it.... based on his response to you, you will have to make a decision on your part as to whether or not you want to accept him for this....

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I have already said that I love him, but that does not mean I am willing to accept this type of behavior. We have discussed this, several times, and the bottom line is I will not share my life, my love or my body with a man who also shares himself with other men. It is not for me... period... no matter how much I love him.

I can't stop loving him just because he is this way. I didn't ask to be straight, I just am. He didn't ask to be this way, he just is. As I said before, he is allowed to be this way, JUST NOT WITH ME.

I'm definitely leaving, and I already said that I am not going to drag him through the mud. What more do you guys want to know?

I just finished reading all the posts here and I must say I agree with you 100%... leaving this man is the only option.

How could you even share your bed with him, knowing that he was with another man, and could have contracted aids.

I am not as strong as you, I must say. If I ever found that out about my husband (future husband) I would lose it!

I guess this serves as a lesson to many, dont ignore those red flags!

Good luck girl, I admire you!

Removed my post due to not reading the thread - if the OP read it before I had a chance to remove it, please see apology below.

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Originally Posted by TexasParent

Ask him as a part of your sex life if he wants you to put your vibrator/dildo in his butt; would this turn him on? If he gets all excited immediately without reservation I would be a little suspect. Even guys who eventually would like anal play with women have a mental hurdle to get over first.

I would ask him though, and who knows maybe he no longer has an interest in men when his anal desires are satisfied by you.

Taking this line of thought one step further, if he likes it, invest in a "strap on" it may prolong your marriage for years....:D

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Please read the entire thread before posting--the situation got pretty serious, and the OP got answers (from real life) that she was looking for. Maybe not the answers she would have liked to have heard, but answers nonetheless.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Please read the entire thread before posting--the situation got pretty serious, and the OP got answers (from real life) that she was looking for. Maybe not the answers she would have liked to have heard, but answers nonetheless.

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To the OP, please ignore my glib previous post I didn't read the entire thread and now that
I have, I feel for your situation and my post in retrospect was an entirely a horrible thing to post, I am truly sorry. It was meant to be a light attempt at advice mixed with humor which are not uncommon in the Adult Sexuality topics, but I should know better as I've chastized others before for not reading a thread; like Synnen has rightfully done to me.

Again, my sincere apologies.

I hope the relief of knowing tempers the pain of knowing. Hang in there Ex.

Okay, I don't really want to be chastized here but I just don't get this.

I get that this really has upset you for you have no tolerance for sexual freedom in your marriage. Your right and a good thing to have in my opinion. But I am not sure he has cheated on you other than masturbating at work. Gross but if he lives at work, men do this at hunting camp, fishing camp, and any where they group for long periods without women.

Second, he confided something with you that happened before marriage because he felt safe doing so whereas before he did not. The lying is something to be angry about but if he had lied about how many wrecks, how much he gambled or what drugs he has tried before, would you be so upset? Maybe, maybe not.

Lastly, marriage is for better or worse and the some of this may be yours to overcome. From what I have observed you came to get people to support an idea you already had formulated (concious or subconsciously) and were only gravitated towards those who supported your idea.

We all get turned on by things we might would not want to be turned on by. And some we would not want any others to know about. But, I really subscribe to the theory that thoughts are benign, it is how we act upon them that is important. For example, I get so angry sometimes I just want to walk out and quit my job. I hate it! But those are just thoughts. I do my job to the best of my ability day after day.

Now, is it is not bad to surround us with those that support us. We all do this. But I am not sure you got any help here other than an army of those who support your theory. And you all may be 110% on the right path. But I think there was some other good advice offered and never satisfactorily countered.

I do wish you peace in this process.

Maybe I misread this---but I think the OP caught her husband actually CHEATING on her at work.

I think that's grounds for divorce, whether the cheating was gay or straight.

But again--maybe I misread that.

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Originally Posted by plonak

I just finished reading all the posts here and I must say I agree with you 100%... leaving this man is the only option.

How could you even share your bed with him, knowing that he was with another man, and could have contracted aids.

I am not as strong as you, I must say. If I ever found that out about my husband (future husband) I would lose it!

I guess this serves as a lesson to many, dont ignore those red flags!

Good luck girl, I admire you!

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You say that you would lose it if you ever found out something like this about your husband.

For the record, please know that the only reason I am holding it all together now is because I am awaiting the results from my doctor regarding my health. If she calls me with bad news, i.e. I have contracted a sexually transmitted disease, I WILL lose it… totally. But as long as I am clean as a whistle, I will not deter from my original plan to leave him.

The real sad part here is my future lies in the hands of a petrie dish at the moment… what an awful feeling.

Thank you again for your reply.

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Originally Posted by TexasParent

To the OP, please ignore my glib previous post I didn't read the entire thread and now that
I have, I feel for your situation and my post in retrospect was an entirely a horrible thing to post, I am truly sorry. It was meant to be a light attempt at advice mixed with humor which are not uncommon in the Adult Sexuality topics, but I should know better as I've chastized others before for not reading a thread; like Synnen has rightfully done to me.

Again, my sincere apologies.

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No need to apologize. It means a lot to me that you even took the time to reply.

Thanks anyway, to you and everyone who took the time to reply.