Ask Me Help Desk - I walked in on my husband maturbating

The problem lies in you taking things so personally. I also think your way out of bounds, but do understand you were caught off guard.

Next time ask him if he needs your help, before you runaway hurt, and distressed.

Or learn to knock first, or cough, or something, before you bust in. This ain't a big deal.

You should never make him feel guilty or disgusted by masturbating, it is a normal god given enjoyment whether self given or done as a couple enjoying together. NO ONE unless they are doing something sexually illegal should be made to feel ashamed. He wasn't with another women you should be thankful. You could have turned it into something very fulfilling for both of you, rather than making him feel guilty and dirty. If your not masturbating on your own, you need to start... and if you are, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

I too recently walked in on my husband. It hurt but I told him I found the act natural. Why did it hurt? B/c in 32 yrs of marriage my husband has thought that sex is for the man. He will deny this but to explain to him my needs is a sign of his inadequacy. He calls me names like whore and slut for wearing a nighty. I finally gave up and moved to the couch 4 yrs ago. He started suffering ed 15 yrs ago and the doc suggested self stim as a tool. He rejected on moral issues. Now its my fault he is doing this. Even after reassuring him that it is OK, he sneaks it. I feel cheated on. To ask anything about his day is prying let alone getting details. He never talks about us but tells about conversations with coworkers in vivid detail yet can't remember most things I tell him. He has no pride in our home and doesn't talk with our grown children or his family. He is successful at his workplace and is the go to man both professionally and personally with his coworkers. He spends many hrs with this and is successful with his hobby. I am proud of him for his accomplishments, I wonder why it doesn't resonate at home. Also, I have to stay in the same room with him and watch TV and not interrupt with talking. I have tried to go out with friends as a group but it always leads to problems because I can't control everyone's behavior around me and I shouldn't put myself into situations where "things" can happen.
I have told him to leave and that I am done but he hasn't left. It's my home. I know, masturbation is the least of my worries here, but it's an example of where this "natural" action isn't so healthy, so before we make conclusions for others maybe we should ask for some more info. In a healthy relationship partners should know that they are partaking, not necessarily when but that it is happening, otherwise, to be honest, there is some deception going on and I'll bet it's not the only thing happening.

Justme4me, your husband is sick, functionally sick, and in denial, that's why he hides his real behavior from others. We both know he needs help, but wont get it.

That doesn't mean you can't be healthy and happy, so think of what you want, and how to get it. Put your own needs first, for a change.

Talaniman- could you please expand on my husband being functionally sick?
I feel I need more information to help me in the direction I want to go. If I know more about what I am dealing with clinically I can make better decisions for the best possible outcome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by justme4me

Why did it hurt? B/c in 32 yrs of marriage my husband has thought that sex is for the man. He will deny this but to explain to him my needs is a sign of his inadequacy. He calls me names like whore and slut for wearing a nighty. I finally gave up and moved to the couch 4 yrs ago.

Hello just:

I'm not tal, but I can tell you that your husbands behavior is BIZARRE. It ISN'T normal. It's actually WAYYYY out of whack. I'm not going to give it any psychological or medical terms because I'm not a professional.

After 32 years, I'm sure you have this figured out for yourself. Relax, you're fine. It's HIM that's screwed up... I don't know why or how, but HE needs some professional help.

However, that might make you feel good in the short term, but now you have to DO something about it. In my view, I think you should move from the couch to a new apartment with a stopover at the divorce lawyers office.

excon

Justme4me, I would be glad to elaborate if you post your own question, as this is the thread of jjlash.

I love sex w/ my significant other. But some times you're just looking for quick strees relief w/out the big production i.e. foreplay and all that. Give the guy a break. And remember... Sometimes no one can do it like you do it yourself.

I caught my husband masturbating, we were in the bedroom, I was asleep and caught him on the side of the bed - going to town. He felt embarrassed about being caught, I just told him next time he should use the bathroom. We both talk about masturbating, we have a good marriage, sex is great, we just need a little "me" time sometimes. I don't think anything is wrong with it, as long as everything else is good in your relationship.

Everyone masterbates, even my husband.. Maybe it wasn't worth it to him to walk all the way downstairs and possibly be rejected when he could get his rocks off solo... Easier and qiucker.. Don't be so dramatic.. Attempt to seduce him sometime this week and see if he's into it.. I bet he will be.. Don't stress! Its all good :)

Do you know how many couples wait for sex to just happen and it never does? Don't be angry when you are horny and wait for sex to happen, if you want sex then you make the moves.

Get a clue? Did you ever consider if you turn on your husband anymore. People who SPANK THE MONKEY ARE ENJOYING THEIR FANTASY'S... Next time you catch your husband enjoying himself, I suggest you put something sexy and provocative on. Be aggressive and go enjoy yourselves together...

Are things always the same way... as in boring vanilla sex. If you can say yes to this try to spice things up. Maybe he wanted a quicky and didn't want to deal with any drama? Maybe he needed to get a thought out of his head... and that was the easy way.

Try not to make too much of this unless it becomes a regular thing and you end up deprived in that department.

Here is another thought. Do you ever initiate things or do you usually wait for him to do it?

The masturbation wasn't about you or about not wanting to be with you. Most men do it and a lot more often then you care to know. My husband usually has the decency to do it in the shower. But I know he does it, if it happens again finish the job I am sure he would enjoy that much more and so would you.

I have to agree with most of the posts.
I think you are way over reacting

That sucks... I hate when that happens.

Theirs always tomorrow right? Or now ?

Were you wanting to be with him and he wasn't there or was is not knowing you wanted him?

Maybe he was getting off so he could last longer later? Yes,no?

Go give your man a hug and a kiss,

Men really do have feelings too... my thoughts on it... http://www.renderosity.com/mod/galle...age_id=1648874

I think your reaction was understandable given you're a woman, but men are so much more matter of fact - they don't start thinking about your feelings and all that over something that they do all the time. He wasn't doing this instead of being with you, he was just doing this because, well, because men do this.

I'd just tell him because you'd not seen him do it before, and because it felt like he would rather be alone than with you, it hurt your feelings in a really sudden and unexpected way and that you're sorry for acting like you did. Then ask if you can have a do-over, including you, to get back on track.