Ask Me Help Desk - Don't know what to think

I got to say I disagree with some of the replies here, on this... its not normal to think of someone else while you are making love to your partner! How could someone say they love you and make love to you, only to think of someone else while they are making love to you? That's not commitment, that's not love, trust, respect, or monogamy! Remember the bible says if you think of someone in a sexual way, you already had sex with them. Not trying to get all religious on you here, but its true. If my partner says she was thinking of someone else while she made love to me, I would assume she didn't love me. If you are with someone and truly love them, then that person would be all you would need to think about, they would be the only thing that SHOULD make you happy. If you are thinking of someone else, then you aren't happy and you need to move on from that relationship.

OH boy.

I'd better leave my husband of 7 years, the one that I've been with for 12 years, because we occasionally do kinky stuff that involves one of the other of us being someone else. For example---I think Jack Sparrow is HAWT. So I pretended that's who he was one night. It was a ton of fun--and not just sexually. It was silly and intense and fun and whatever. I liked it.

I've been Lara Croft for him before, too.

People who aren't dead think of people other than their partner occasionally. It has nothing to do with love--it has to do with being human.

So... Chrissy, you're either very young, or very naïve, because there's no WAY that the only thing you're EVER thinking about in bed is your partner. If you're thinking about the dishes or the kids or the bathroom or the laundry--that's JUST as bad as imagining he's Mr. Clean. And I bet you've had it happen before, because I've never met anyone, EVER, that has a healthy sex life that hasn't had their mind wander in bed before.

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remember the bible says if you think of someone in a sexual way, you already had sex with them. Not trying to get all religious on you here, but its true.

Oh dear...

Re posting this because some of my original message got cut off: I'm 30, not young. & it happened to me in my previous marriage, which is exactly why he is an ex lol. I had to think of a female to even get through it. My relationship now... no its never happened, because I truly love her. Now as for the role play thing, I think that's fine but not on the sly. Letting each other know what's in your mind and not hiding it is the key. Hiding things causes distrust and causes one to lose respect for the other.

So you're saying that the boyfriend of the OP was in the right, because he brought it out into the open and didn't keep it sly?

CHOUX: I wasn't wishful thinking, its my opinion based on my own experiences, plus what I feel, isn't that what this board is for?: shared opinions (different and indifferent) and shared experiences, whether negative or positive? And full grown adults able to talk about these things in respect, without jumping down each others throats, because their opinion is different than yours?

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Originally Posted by Synnen

So you're saying that the boyfriend of the OP was in the right, because he brought it out into the open and didn't keep it sly?

That's my opinion, yes, because honesty is best in any relationship. Just the same is I feel its best that if something sexual happens with someone, while you are in a relationship with someone else, its best to tell the person you are with about it, not try to hide it, most people get caught anyway, but the point is it builds trust to be honest. My mama raised me to be honest, I can't help it :-) whatever happens will work out for the best anyway, because what's meant to be will just happen that way. Just my opinion.

Chrissy I agree this board is for differeing opinions and your opinion on this is a very valid opinion and shared by others. Your argument of having thoughts of someone sexually is the same sin as having sex with them is what I find offensive. I learned that thoughts are neutral and benign. It is how we act upon those thoughts that we are judged. So, I think people are more reacting to your argument.

To sum, I find your argument somewhat offensive but think you have a valid opinion and thanks for adding to the thread. The more input the better.

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Originally Posted by CHRISSYS-ANGEL

CHOUX: i wasnt wishful thinking, its my opinion based on my own experiences, plus what i feel, isnt that what this board is for?: shared opinions (different and indifferent) and shared experiences, whether negative or positive? and full grown adults able to talk about these things in respect, without jumping down each others throats, because their opinion is different than yours?

This is getting off topic and likely bordering on mods wiping out irrelevant posts if it keeps up.

Crissy, you fired first when you started rating people with disagrees. Please don't give moral lessons about respecting other opinions when you are tossing "reddies" around. Once you start a rating "war" it can be tough to stop it. You are a newer member. Your perspective is welcomed.

Try to reserve disagrees for factually incorrect posts or really bad advice. If you take exception to something, better to talk it out on the boards or in PM's. Not saying I don't use disagrees for posts that I think are terrible, but I do it knowing members will respond more passionately.

As for staying on topic, my experience is telling your partner every dumb thing that goes through your head is not particularly good. My wife and I both have some "filters" we use when talking and communicating... sometimes saying nothing is absolutely appropriate.

Seems to have worked for us for ten great years at least. To each their own.

It can be a lot of fun & a perfectly good way to "spice things up" to enjoy role playing with your partner. Not only do they get to experience a "different person" but the other gets to be a "different person", while honoring their monogamy with each other.

Having sex & making love are 2 distinct things. Some very long term couples never progress to making love, but may have great sex.

If you are having sex with a regular partner, & are thinking of someone else, then you are more likely to be just having sex.

Good sex is very physical. Fantastic love making is very physical, plus also very mental & emotionally connected to who you are with. Which is why good couples enjoy even better sex & love making the longer they are together. They are both bringing so much more to the table & there is so much more "us" to enjoy the sexual merging.

If the couple is capapble of progressing to making love at all, then the same session may start being sex but transcend only the physical to making love wholeheartedly (& of course your entire body) with each other. At that level, there is no room for anyone else. The "us" that you become making love with each other doesn't need or want anyone else for it to be extremely fulfilling & all it needs to be. It will not just satisfy the phyical need for sex, but the love related emotional needs for ourself & our partner on more than just a physical plane. It is an extremely intimate place that bares not just our bodies but our souls entirely which is where the best orgasms & couple connection takes place.

It is soul mate union at it's best, which is a lovely two person participant deal & more than challenging enough for most couples. The polyamorous strive to include more than one other person in that process, some successfully. But even then it would have to be the ones actually present, not someone inattainable (such as a celebrity) or someone else which is personally known & lusted after.

To fondle one body while thinking of another works for purely sexual play for some, but to make love to someone you have to be attentive & receptive to only them in order to physically please & be pleased by that person & that person alone.

Stray thoughts of someone else is one thing, to constantly think of someone else during sex, to let them become an imaginary perfect lover is unfair to both playing & will eventually erode the quality of even the sex not to mention the relationship.

If you can't appreciate the person you are actually with so you pay significant attention to their desires / wants at that moment, while being naked & sexual while disregarding their efforts to be sexually pleasing to you because you are being distracted by the perfect imaginary lover, there is a certain amt of disconnect that cannot be overcome. So the shift from just sex to making love will not happen most likely. Because in essence one person is masturbating with another person, defeating the bonding qualities that making love offers besides just the physical release. It still can be good sex but to be really great requires a deeper & better connection with the person you are with that is more than just a physical one. It requires appreciating & honoring THAT person & your feelings for each other, which will not happen fully if one is instead lusting after someone else they wish was there instead. Especially if that lust is nurtured repeatedly instead of the partner that is there trying to love & be loved, the disconnect will stay in place instead of the opportunity for bonding on all the levels love making offers happening, which is way more than just the number & intensity of the orgasms that took place.

And that may be at least partly because even if good sex took place the imaginary lover gets the credit, not the real lover that was there. The imaginary lover is thought to be the one to make the play fun, & the real partner's contribution to that ignored, disregarded, unacknowledged & certainly not loved or honored. They are just a masturbatory convenience especially if that lust for someone else is taken too far for too long in such private, intimate times.

There may be exceptions to that as there is for anything else.

Yep! I agree with BetrayalBtCamp too. This is a great analysis and fits my own experiences. Couldn't give BBC a rating because I have to spread the reputation.

Wow. OK, well... I got out of a bad marriage and am now in a happy and great relationship. I know that sex with my ex-husband was not very good and it was both of our faults... He just made me feel so bad about myself that I had no confidence. The only reason I mention any of this is that he would bring other girls up often. I don't know, other than what you have said, how your relationship is... which I think is MORE important than what he said. If you are not happy or he is not happy, I think you have a reason to worry. If you both are really happy together, I wouldn't worry too much about it. It might even be fun to dress up like a prostitute for him so that he can see that side of you. I think it is completely normal for us to look around and maybe fantisize about other people and the fact he told you is, I think, saying something for him. He didn't try to deny or hide it which is worse. I wouldn't push it too much just take time and take stock in your relationship and see if you are both happy with it and with your sex life. Trust me, knowing who this girl is and obsessing about that will do nothing but drive you crazy and probably for no reason. If you take stock and decide you are both happy... I wouldn't worry about it anymore. If not, maybe spice it up or go to counseling... there has to be effort from both sides though, you can't do it all alone. Good luck with this though...

I agree that now would be a good time to talk to him & take stock of where the relationship is & what you both want from it, but I think all couples should do that regularly (at least once a yr) in a loving way.

As F said, obsessing about it won't help & can create problems. And as F said, maybe some counseling to see what his fascination with her is would be good as long as you get a counselor that can appropriately address the issue. If the relationship is a happy one, it may not be a large disconnect & just spicing things up in & out of the bedroom will put the focus back on just you two where it belongs.

Couples & people do get into ruts & it's good to try something new together. If you guys are active all the time, take some time to just relax & just cuddle. If you two mostly hang out around the house, go out & go somewhere you haven't been yet even if just a beach or park with a romantic picnic.

Confronting him is a bad idea, that will just likely get you an angry & defensive reaction but why he feels the need to be thinking of someone else like that should be appropriately addressed when you are both relaxed, feeling close to each other & it's a discussion, not an interrogation.