Ask Me Help Desk - Sexual Fantasies - Inappropriate or Healthy?

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Originally Posted by sveltskye

What if a guy has rape fantasies? If he never does anything remotely close to acting them out and has a normal sex life, is it still appropriate? I find it a little strange that women are encouraged to not feel guilty about rape fantasies because they're the victems of the "crime" when men are given the whole "they could be closet rapists" spiel. Yes, they could, but is it common for normal, not rapist men to have this fantasy too?

I think its common. Why are fantasies of threesomes common? Well... it means there are two women devoting their attention to you sexually. Why is that so interesting? I think its part a domintation thing and also part multiple stimulations. Its powerful to have a woman want you. So to have two... I think there's a sense of service. A feeling of control. The women are subjugating themselves to you, and that's powerful imagery. Not exactly "rape fantasy" but still "master and servants" stuff.

Likewise, I think some degree of violent or aggressive sex is a common fantasy. I've always been most attracted to women who were assetive sexually, but every one of them were turned on by a man who responded with more assertion.

Personally, slow and deliberate sex feels best, but tie that to wrist holding or hair pulling or locking the arms of the partner, and its just better.

Is it a fine line? Sure. I'm with a partner who was raped as a teenage girl. I'm the son of a mother who was molested. I'm sensitive to the horrible consequences of these actions. Yet I'm not going to deny that fantasies about dominance or "forced" sex isn't a turn on, in the right situation.

Most people want to be chased in a relationship. Why shouldn't that be any different in bed? And the "chase" can take many forms.

Your point, though is worth stating. I think the answer is most of the time you get to know a partner sexually in more "conventional" terms, and then you can expand into your deeper fantasies as you get to know their limits and desires.

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Originally Posted by statictable

Sveltskye makes an important point with his theory of comparable male vs female fantasies. Men and women deal with a vast array of expectations and the reactions are far more complex than the chemistry of what might be expected of us. A female teacher has an intimate relationship with a 8th grade male student? Will women in general view this as a man would? If I have a fantasy which carries a stigma and I know how benign it is, I would probably keep it to myself; just wouldn't want to open a can of fish bait.

That's the whole point of my original posting... most of my fantasies are terribly inappropriate and carries a stigma!! (I'm a woman) I would be arrested if I carried out a lot of my fantasies - but I would never carry them out! In fantasyland... these things just get me hot... but in reality... it would do nothing for me. I was just curious about the nature of men's sexual fantasies... if they are as bizarre as women's (at least mine), if men like a submissive woman, aggressive woman, many women, very young women, other men?? But the difference that I want to stress, is what is your FANTASY... not what kinky stuff do you actually want to DO.

Quote:

Originally Posted by statictable

Sveltskye makes an important point with his theory of comparable male vs female fantasies. Men and women deal with a vast array of expectations and the reactions are far more complex than the chemistry of what might be expected of us. A female teacher has an intimate relationship with a 8th grade male student? Will women in general view this as a man would? If I have a fantasy which carries a stigma and I know how benign it is, I would probably keep it to myself; just wouldn't want to open a can of fish bait.

Actually, this is something that really bothered me about the whole Mary Kate Letourneau case, in which a 30 year old woman really did have sex with her 6th grade student. I found it sickening how shows like Dateline and Access Hollywood were focusing on their supposed "true love" while if the roles had been reversed, no one would have dared even bring love into such an obvious case of statuatory rape. I don't care how much they were in love, I don't care if they're still together or if they have kids, she should've waited until he was of age. It makes me sick.

I just don't think they're should be double standards regarding men and woman. If you can say that women are healthy for having rape fantasies, the same should be true of men- assuming they stay just that.

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Originally Posted by sveltskye

I just don't think they're should be double standards regarding men and woman. If you can say that women are healthy for having rape fantasies, the same should be true of men- assuming they stay just that.

Seems to me it matters quite a bit which role the fantasy takes. It may be considered equally "healthy" for both men and women to fantasize about being a VICTIM of rape. And also about being the PERPETRATOR. But because of the fact that in actual rapes, women are the perpetrator far less often than men are, fantasies where women are the perpetrator are collectively judged to be less dangerous because women seem to act out such fantasies less often than men do. Of course nobody really knows whether women HAVE fewer such fantasies than men do, or whether they have the same number, but are just better at restraining themselves from acting on them.

That's true, I suppose. I would go so far as to guess that women would be naturally less likely to have perpetrator fantasies however, because women on the whole are wired to be less violent than men- look how we interact socially, with girls lashing out at other girls more often with gossip and verbal retaliation while men fight, or girls playing socially while men play fight.

A fantasy is meant to be just that. It isn't a realistic proposition, it is something you IMAGINE in your head. If it isn't carried out, than who is it hurting? NO one. Your focusing on feeling guilty about what you would imagine doing, but would never do. That is a waste of energy. You can enjoy such fantasies, no matter how strange, and still be a normal person. You are a human being and I do agree that some kind of fantasizing is normal and healthy, and most people do it. Maybe they don't feel embarrassed, or badly about it, or maybe they just don't share how it makes them feel. I have spent the last 16 years with my husband and I am in my early 30's. I have never cheated on him or thought about cheating on him. In the last year, I have noticed that I tend to fantasize about different people from time to time, but I know that in reality, I would NEVER do anything. IT is just for my pleasure only. I imagine things that may or may not be considered appropriate, but what does it matter? I think I am an adult and if I am enjoying myself and no one is getting hurt, than I am entitled to a few minutes of imaginary play. I think you need to give yourself a break, allow yourself to enjoy what you are pretending to do and see it as a healthy sexual release. What goes on in your head, is only for you and isn't infringing on anyone or hurting anybody. Allow yourself to go in your mind, where you wouldn't dare in real life, and when you are done daydreaming, fantasizing, or imagining it, let it go and move on with the rest of your day. MAybe it is a way of relieving stress and forgetting about the mundane things we deal with every single day of our lives. Whether you imagine tying someone up and whipping them, or being tied up yourself, it isn't inappropriate, because it isn't real. Give yourself a break, you are human and you deserve the right to fantasize if that is what you are inclined to do. I had to tell myself the same thing, because I used to feel guilty as well. IT is a waste of my energy to feel guilty and it is counter productive. I let it go, and let my mind wander... Good luck with letting yourself go a little, without the guilt or shame.

"girls lashing out at other girls more often with gossip and verbal retaliation while men fight."

This is a very interesting point and if we were to evaluate each of these two actions in terms of physical and emotional trauma for the short and long term, which would be more damaging?

"I was just curious about the nature of men's sexual fantasies ... if they are as bizarre as women's."

Just for peace of mind and to reduce the gravity a bit wouldn't it be fair to say that "all things under the sun" have been at least written about, thought about, fantasized about and the degree to which we manipulate our thoughts is equaly shared by both genders.

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Originally Posted by Sincere1

This is a little awkward. I have never shared my sexual fantasies with ANYONE as I think (well, I know) they are inappropriate in nature. Is it unhealthy to have such fantasies ... should I get help? I would never actually fulfill these thoughts in reality. It just troubles me some that I do think of them and need them (to climax). Do 'normal' people have these thoughts? I'm in my 30's and have always had these 'fantasies'. I would sincerely appreciate any feedback.

I say FULFILL those thoughts in reality baby!
Need someone to help you with your
Sexual fantasies? ;)

Good luck sweety<3

Role-playing and bondage might be a good place for you to start. Find a bondage club in your area (if there is one) and I'm sure you'll be able to find someone else who would tie you up and "rape" you or vice versa. Have fun with your fantasies, but keep all of your behavior LEGAL!!