Hi everyone,

My girlfriend of one and a half year has stopped having sex with me. Before, we used to have sex about 2-3 times a week (we don't live together). At the same time she withdrew sex, she got off the birth control as she did not renew her prescription and said we'll have to use condoms. Still waiting to use that condom.

I've done a lot for this girl in the last month. Taking her out to the game, buying her dinner on a few occasions, dropping a lot of ILY's here and there, getting her flowers, surprising her before her going to work, thought I made her Christmas really special, etc. She just wants to go to bed and doesn't cuddle, kiss me anymore even though I try to do that. Making out is also out of the question because she fears it will lead to sex. It's not like I haven't talked to her about it, up until today I've brought it up every second day but she claims she has no sexual desires whatsoever. I am getting tired of this as all we do is bicker at each other even though I try calmly to approach her with the subject. She doesn't even want to talk about it. Nor does she want to talk on things that could be affecting her like her career or money or her self-esteem. She claims everything is "fine". But I sure do not feel the same. All I want to do is hold her and love her but it's been a complete brick wall. So I've backed off from doing nice things for her, trying to create romantic moods and by bringing up the subject... We'll see how it goes, but my patience is starting to run thin.

Help. I think this person is amazing for me but I have no idea why she just "shut off" after stopping the pill about a month ago. I really don't want to dump her because of this.

The problem with the Pill sometimes is that it can throw a woman's hormones out of wack. It works as follows:
The Pill is a tablet containing two female-type hormones – an oestrogen and a progestogen.

Various different oestrogens and progestogens are used in the many different types of Pill which are available.
What these two hormones do is to stop you from ovulating (‘producing an egg’) each month. And if you don’t ovulate, you won’t get pregnant.

In addition, the hormones thicken the secretions round your cervix – thus making it more difficult for sperm to get through. Also, they make the lining of your womb thinner, so that it is less receptive to an egg.

And the side effects include:
Headaches, feeling sick
Depressive moods and loss of interest in sex

These side effects may either be minor or serious but in your girlfriend's case it sounds more like the latter.
Unfortunately, I don't know much about your relationship so I cannot say that your problems are as a result of the pill but it is a possibility as women react differently to the pill. Perhaps you could suggest a visit to your doctor (you may go with her) or speak to your dr and get some advice.
She will need your support through this time in all manner of ways until this issue is resolved.
Good luck!

Back off and be supportive, as it sounds like a problem has arisen, and you both need to address it as a couple. Talk honestly and please lose the pressure about sex. Time to be something other than lovers, until you can pinpoint the problem and deal with it. It could be the pill, or the thought of getting pregnant, or having a partner who only thinks of his need for sex, and is ignoring the problems she is having.

Is obvious something is bodering your gurlfriend, so stop give sex so much though and be by her side and see if you can figure out what is wrong with her and try to speak about it.

I feel that if you stop thinking about sex, when she notices you are not thinking about it she will be more open to speaking with you about what is bothering her.

Also just because you guys are not having sex doesn't mean you have to stop doing nice things for her if she is used to having you do nice things for her and you stop out of the blue she will feel worst.

The situation isn't just about sex here people... she won't even cuddle with him... however, I do agree that you shouldn't back off doing some of the nice things for her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ruckusmixtape

Hi everyone,

My girlfriend of one and a half year has stopped having sex with me. Before, we used to have sex about 2-3 times a week (we don't live together). At the same time she withdrew sex, she got off the birth control as she did not renew her prescription and said we'll have to use condoms. Still waiting to use that condom.

I've done a lot for this girl in the last month. Taking her out to the game, buying her dinner on a few occasions, dropping a lot of ILY's here and there, getting her flowers, surprising her before her going to work, thought I made her Christmas really special, etc. She just wants to go to bed and doesn't cuddle, kiss me anymore even though I try to do that. Making out is also out of the question because she fears it will lead to sex. It's not like I haven't talked to her about it, up until today I've brought it up every second day but she claims she has no sexual desires whatsoever. I am getting tired of this as all we do is bicker at each other even though I try calmly to approach her with the subject. She doesn't even want to talk about it. Nor does she want to talk on things that could be affecting her like her career or money or her self-esteem. She claims everything is "fine". But I sure do not feel the same. All I want to do is hold her and love her but it's been a complete brick wall. So I've backed off from doing nice things for her, trying to create romantic moods and by bringing up the subject... We'll see how it goes, but my patience is starting to run thin.

Help. I think this person is amazing for me but I have no idea why she just "shut off" after stopping the pill about a month ago. I really don't want to dump her because of this.

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You said she went off the pill, did she have a normal sex drive before going off the pill? If she started not wanting sex after stopping the pill then I say the people who said that are right, the pill can absoluetly mess with emotions and desire. Althoughh I haven't had that experience with the pill, I know some women do. So you should for sure look into that first.

Then if you find out that's not the problem, I say:


Are you sure you haven't done anything to make her feel unloved, unwanted, not sexy or only a sex object? Men are men, I've heard that this means you don't think like us females do so you may not be aware of something you've done to harm the relationship. I say you should think hard about this and ask her when she started having no sexual desires.

I think you should not stop being kind to her and doing nice things for her, I mean, if you stop that it seems to me you don't really love this girl at all. Just because she isn't giving sex to you does not mean you have the right to stop being kind and romantic and supportive of her. That's a VERY childish way to deal with anything, but especially in the handling of a woman you say you love/think is amaxzing and the handling of your relationship.

Dig deep, ask her to be honest and you just listen, don't argue, don't tell her she's wrong, nothing like that, just let her talk and understand that although you may not see things the same way, what she feels and sees is very real to her, so respect that. Just love her, you know.

You know... depending on age (and I'm guessing you're fairly young--teenagers?) she just might not want to get pregnant. End of story.

Fear of getting pregnant is a HUGE turn-off. Coupled with what you said about not wanting ot make out for fear of it leading to sex... this tells me it's not that she doesn't want you: she just doesn't want sex.

If you love her... this won't be a problem for you. Waiting until your partner is ready shouldn't be a problem. You say you don't want to "dump" her for this... how sensitive and loving of you!

But dude... if you were my boyfriend, I wouldn't want to have sex with you either. All that nice stuff you're doing? The way you make it sound, you're only doing it to get into her pants. It's not romance for the sake of romance... it's romance to get sex. Believe me, there's a difference.

Honestly... I really think this is about not trusting you to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. I'm betting that she's worried that you'll either object to condoms, or in the heat of the moment that a condom will be forgotten.

IF every time you've brought it up, it's been about the sex, I also don't blame her for not talking to you. Why would I tell someone my problems if the only reason they're asking is to get into my pants? Especially if you're bringing it up every other day for a freaking month!

I would seriously just back down for now. Do nice things, but don't put ANY pressure on her to get sexual. I'll bet when she can relax with you again, she'll be more open to talking about whatever is bothering her.

You know I have the same problem... and you guys are so right... I'm not sure how old you are man but I'm young and my sex drive is threw the ROOF. My girlfriend is two years older than me, she just finished college, she's probably worried about finding a goodjob, and she is on the pill but she does bring up it isn't 100% affected, so I could understand that she is worried about getting pregnant. I never thought to think of that. She has things on her mind and all I want to do is get down her pants, I kind of feel like a prick now. I've learned to not pressure her about it or even bring it up, and well it works. Also offer to give her back,foot, leg massages... if you rub her right she might let you go a little further. My girlfriend is uncomfortable about talking about sex or even with me saying hey lets have sex.. so I just offer to give her a massage and sometimes she lets me lead into sex... just a suggestion.

Relationships work when both parties do things for the other without expecting a return. This doesn't mean you cant bribe her with all those other things -as well- as doing the relationship charity.

If sex wasn't understood to be a no-no before you started it together (one or both of you have a religious commitment to abstain while dating or whatever for example), and she hasn't tried to make up the gap of no sex with other things, lose her quick. Especially if you find all those things you bribe her with only ever come from you. Ask yourself: how often does -she- surprise me with dinner / tickets to the game / etc.

The sex thing is just a warning sign. If she doesn't do stuff for you, you're just a possesion: you don't want a long term relationship with a girl to whom people in her 'world' are just tokens that tick all the boxes, fit in their nice compartment, and look cool to show off to her friends.

If you're still stuck, always check the mum for clues what her engine is really like without the hot chassis covering it up. 9 times out of 10 you get a pretty good idea what she's really like

It is not at all uncommon for a relationship that starts OK to get more and more focused JUST on the sex. Particularly with young guys. You only get to see each other just so long each day or couple days. Eventually that's the first think you want or expect. Before you say that isn't so... take a step back... I'm a guy.. I've been young before... I've been there before. It's a gradual process, it doesn't happen over night.

She has realised this and is cutting you off, she feels sex is the entire focus of your life with her. And based on your post, I'm willing to bet that's the case. THen there are the secondary issues of pregnancy, There are side effects to the pill and it does take time (as in years) sometimes before they can get the right pills at the right dosages to minimise those side effects. I suspect neither of you are 21 yet if you are that old.

Besides, this thread started Dec 27, 2006

Whatever happened happened a long time ago.

Fixed, Smoothy. I've closed the thread.