My boyfriend and I have been dating now for a year and eight months. I'm in my early twenties, and he's in his early thirties. Our sex lives have changed dramatically since we first started dating (which is normal in every reationship.) When we first started dating we used to have sex all the time, now it's going on seven months and I haven't had any action.

I love my boyfriend to death, so leaving him isn't an option. I've read a numerous amount of postings where the only conclusion was to "leave" the boyfriend. There's more than sex to a relationship. In fact, in our relationship, that's the only thing I'm concerned with. He's still very kind to me, treats me well, cuddles/snuggles me, and still calls me little pet names. I don't feel distant with him at all... It's just the sex.

He was recently diagnosed with prostatitis... Which I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it? Does prostatitis cause a lower sex drive? I've asked him if his conditions have gotten better or stayed the same, and he says that he has mild symptoms now, but it's not as uncomfortable as it was before (due to medication).

I had made a couple of "sexy" gestures before, but got turned down (that was before he was diagnosed with the prostatitis). Because of that, I'm so scared to make a move because I don't want the rejection. I have a low self-esteem as it is. And this whole no-sex thing isn't helping. I'm wondering if maybe he's having a hard time initiating the sex as well beause it has been a while since the either of us have tried to "pursue" one another.

Valentine's Day was very sweet. But he didn't make a move... Even with the whole romantic setting (that I set up). He just fell asleep after dinner, while I was up all night, tossing and turning.

I just want some help. Do you think it's me? The prostatitis? Or could it be that we just need to rekindle the romance in some way...

Perhaps he needs to go back to his doctor and ensure that it's all cleared up and he needs to be reassured that he can resume normal sexual relations.

Why don't you have a bit of a search on the internet and look up prostatitis? My brief search revealed that it can be quite complex and there are different types. I would suggest that the lowered libido may be caused by this infection - but it's probably more to do with what's in his head than in his body.

In any case, you need to talk - relationships can survive periods without sex, but they can't (usually) survive being completely sexless forever. Relationships also can't survive for very long unless you both open up about the issues that are bothering you.

Seven months without sex is a long time for a relationship that's not even two years old. It's not normal for the sex to change so dramatically, unless there is something wrong. If you can't talk it through and the relationship is important to you, then get professional help.

What makes healthy relationships survive is not how 'good' everything is, but how you deal with the bad times.

Well, that time when I tried to make sexual advances on him, he admitted that he was having a problem "there" and said that he was going to the doctor to check it out first.

When he did go to the doctor, that's when he was diagnosed with this prostatitis.

Before going into the doctor, he was in a lot of pain and refrained from physical activity. However, now he has been going to the gym again (which he quit because of this condition). So I don't understand... He can do strenuous physical activity, but not have sex with me?

He says he still has problems with the prostatitis, and that he has a follow-up appointment to further examine this...

It just seems to me he's using this as an excuse. From what I've read with prostatitis, yes it is very uncomfortable, and certain other areas in the body start to swell (besides the prostate), but he has no problem with physical activity in the gym...

I keep bringing this up, but it keeps going back to this problem. I'm not a guy, so I don't know how prostatitis works... Maybe sex really hurts... I don't know.

Hopefully, with his next doctor's visit they'll come up with something.

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Originally Posted by youronlygem

Well, that time when I tried to make sexual advances on him, he admitted that he was having a problem "there" and said that he was going to the doctor to check it out first.

When he did go to the doctor, that's when he was diagnosed with this prostatitis.

Before going into the doctor, he was in a lot of pain and refrained from physical activity. However, now he has been going to the gym again (which he quit because of this condition). So I don't understand... He can do strenuous physical activity, but not have sex with me?

He says he still has problems with the prostatitis, and that he has a follow-up appointment to further examine this...

It just seems to me he's using this as an excuse. From what I've read with prostatitis, yes it is very uncomfortable, and certain other areas in the body start to swell (besides the prostate), but he has no problem with physical activity in the gym...

I keep bringing this up, but it keeps going back to this problem. I'm not a guy, so I don't know how prostatitis works... Maybe sex really hurts... I don't know.

Hopefully, with his next doctor's visit they'll come up with something.

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That's all good, but perhaps he's feeling like his ego has had a battering, what with the infection and you bringing up his 'problem'. Sometimes the fear of pain or discomfort is enough to stop us doing things - could this be the case with him and sex?

In any case, if it is an excuse, what do you think it's an excuse for?

Going to the gym and his sex drive/performance are not very related. My good friend has prostatitis, and it has lowered his sex drive considerably, and ejaculation can (not always) hurt. It does not hurt his ability to work out at the gym, although he no longer plays active sports.

Still, 7 months is too long. My understanding is that loss of sex drive and erectile problems from prostatitis are not physiological - usually it is psychological, caused by discomfort. You need to let him know that if he can't get it up, that is OK. There are PLENTY of other ways that he can please you, but that you need to start having sex again.

Also, obviously, he should talk to his doctor, since he is still having continuing problems. Since no guy that I know likes going to the doctor in the first place, you might have a private chat with the doctor so that the doctor can ask your husband some leading questions.

Finally, my friend takes Saw Palmetto and says that it helps him a lot. YMMV, but it is probably worth a try.

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Originally Posted by leifweaver

Going to the gym and his sex drive/performance are not very related. My good friend has prostatitis, and it has lowered his sex drive considerably, and ejaculation can (not always) hurt. It does not hurt his ability to work out at the gym, although he no longer plays active sports.

Still, 7 months is too long. My understanding is that loss of sex drive and erectile problems from prostatitis are not physiological - usually it is psychological, caused by discomfort. You need to let him know that if he can't get it up, that is ok. There are PLENTY of other ways that he can please you, but that you need to start having sex again.

Also, obviously, he should talk to his doctor, since he is still having continuing problems. Since no guy that I know likes going to the doctor in the first place, you might have a private chat with the doctor so that the doctor can ask your husband some leading questions.

Finally, my friend takes Saw Palmetto and says that it helps him a lot. YMMV, but it is probably worth a try.

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Thank you so much for your help. He felt uncomfortable bringing up the problems he was having before. I'm pretty sure that's what the issue is now. You guys are right, it doesn't hurt to talk to him about it. Thanks you guys :)

My boyfriend and I don't have sex for 2 months or more and even then he can't do it the vaginal way. I know there is more too life than sex and if your guy is really good to you you should take that into consideration. I have and for noe I will stay with my boyfriend a good vibrator doesn't help either lol. Seriously I say if you love him things will work out sex is not everything in a relationship. Some people have great sex but can't get along otherwise. You have to decide for yourself what is important and go for that. Good luck

so... what the hell does his prostate have to do with his tongue?

sorry... sort of. Maybe its because I love giving oral... he doesn't feel great south, that's fine. He can still make an effort to connect with you and meet some needs.

*deep breath in* *deep breath out* I'm in a smarta$$, pi$$y mood, by the way. Not your fault. =)

there's a very real chance that the pain he's experienced has had a lasting effect... if he had pain with ejaculation, erection, or even simply severe pain in the general region, it likely slowed his drive... and even when that pain is lessened or gone, the mind can hold onto that and throw up a mental block that is hard to shake.

if you had severe pain when you went to the bathroom, pain when you had an orgasm, possible pain when you were just sexually aroused... it might do a number on your being mentally in the moment when a chance for sex came around.

also, its possible that this condition has physiologically affected his ability to have a quality erection tied to restriction of blood flow to the penis. So... now you're in a place where if you have an orgasm, it might hurt like hell. But you might not even be able to keep a quality erection due to mental stress and due to very real issues with restricted blood flow.

which is, of course, a recipe for a complete mind *&^(... enter stress, depression, apathy, low libido...

so... while I stand by the irate oral comment... well, it isn't that simple. He could just be avoiding sex completely due to the pain associated with all aspects of it... even if that pain is lessened.

how is his sleep? Is it keeping him up at night with trips to the bathroom?

what meds are being used? Antibiotics? Painkillers? What other treatments?

I don't think he's a complete jerk for being derailed by a painful condition that can screw with your sleep, your comfort, and your ease of mind.

but I'm hoping he's willing to see that you've been patient and you have some basic needs that can be met more ways than one.

has he talked about pain with ejaculation? With sexual activity? With an erection? Is it acute pain? etc...

sex isn't everything to a relationship... but sex isn't always about sex or orgasms... its about connecting with the other person and feeling joy in finding common ground. And orgasms. Those are nice too, I hear.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

so... what the hell does his prostate have to do with his tongue?

sorry... sort of. maybe its because i love giving oral... he doesnt feel great south, thats fine. he can still make an effort to connect with you and meet some needs.

*deep breath in* *deep breath out* im in a smarta$$, pi$$y mood, btw. not your fault. =)

theres a very real chance that the pain he's experienced has had a lasting effect... if he had pain with ejaculation, erection, or even simply severe pain in the general region, it likely slowed his drive... and even when that pain is lessened or gone, the mind can hold onto that and throw up a mental block that is hard to shake.

if you had severe pain when you went to the bathroom, pain when you had an orgasm, possible pain when you were just sexually aroused... it might do a number on your being mentally in the moment when a chance for sex came around.

also, its possible that this condition has physiologically affected his ability to have a quality erection tied to restriction of blood flow to the penis. so... now you're in a place where if you have an orgasm, it might hurt like hell. but you might not even be able to keep a quality erection due to mental stress and due to very real issues with restricted blood flow.

which is, of course, a recipe for a complete mind *&^(.... enter stress, depression, apathy, low libido...

so... while i stand by the irate oral comment... well, it isnt that simple. he could just be avoiding sex completely due to the pain associated with all aspects of it... even if that pain is lessened.

how is his sleep? is it keeping him up at night with trips to the bathroom?

what meds are being used? antibiotics? painkillers? what other treatments?

i dont think he's a complete jerk for being derailed by a painful condition that can screw with your sleep, your comfort, and your ease of mind.

but im hoping he's willing to see that youve been patient and you have some basic needs that can be met more ways than one.

has he talked about pain with ejaculation? with sexual activity? with an erection? is it acute pain? etc...

sex isnt everything to a relationship... but sex isnt always about sex or orgasms... its about connecting with the other person and feeling joy in finding common ground. and orgasms. those are nice too, i hear.

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My boyfriend and I did have a talk last week. I attempted to seduce him yet again, but... Planning it made it awkward and it didn't come out like it was supposed to. I was going to wait for my boyfriend to come home from work wearing his work shirt and nothing else... He ended up coming home early and yeah... I didn't look so sexy at the moment!

I got frustrated and started crying (even though I laugh about it now). And he was laughing about it, and he said 'Can I give you advice?' And of course I said 'Sure.' And then he told me: 'Sex comes naturally. It shouldn't be planned. It works better when the mood is right.' And I actually agree... The best sex we've had wasn't planned, it just came natural.

And then he admitted to me that he thought the whole sex problem was more him than me anyway, and that I shouldn't blame myself. He said ever since he's had that prostatitis, he hasn't been in the mood to be 'physical'.

I still feel that he's attracted to me, because he squeezes my butt, gives it a little spank now and then, and 'fondles' me, and cuddles me... I guess it'll just take some time. I'm hoping with his next doctor visit, he'll talk about these problems with the doctor.

First of all let me ask you to read this: Prostatitis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Then start thinking about everything else. You will find that he will need support, and from what you write you are giving that support, I would only ask you to sit with him and start talking about your needs, we as men feel great when some one is taking care of us, but we also tend to over use that help, the treatment lasts at most 4 months so the treatment has done its job.

Personally, I think if you two have it together with everything but sex and you really love him, then things will work out. Maybe you could discuss fears, etc.. With him and see if that leads to more open discussion of his reluctance.
Personally, I had surgery about 12 years ago, and was told it would have adverse effect later in life as damage had already been done prior to surgery.
12 years later, I have the desires but don't act upon them because I lose concentration when trying to make both of us happy. So I tend to concentrate of other ways to pleasing my lover. But she has also changed because when we first met she was willing to be a nudist with me in my apartment, but will not go naked around the house now nor express any positives if I do.
People have a lot to live for and companionship for the long term is a blessing because all it takes is a little accident, illness, or other cause for Mr. Happy not displaying his attention is on sex or the lady is not licking her lips and things get a little more boring.
But by remaining friends and companions, getting nekkid can sometimes reignite the flames..

Just wanting to emphasis a point.

His treatment for prostatis might be over, ending, or at least his physical condition somewhat relieved... but the killer mental blocks that came along don't get wiped away with a round of antibiotics and some nsaids...

That doesn't give him a pass to just say "im not over it so just wait"... he can still attend to you in a number of ways...

Glad you had the talk... did he talk at all about when he felt the pain and how he felt it? Again... if just getting an erection hurt, or if ejaculating was misery, if fear of performance piled on top... it gives some perspective... and I hope he's willing to at least talk about some of this rather than just bear it on his own...

Wow, our situations are almost identical. My boyfriend and I have been together six years and we don't have sex more than once every six months, if that. It's because he has medical conditions, too. I got shot down so many times that now I don't even bother. :( I wish you the best of luck.

I have been in a relationship for two with my boyfriend. I can't ask for nothng better, he's my mr. perfect, we travel, we go out for lunch, we go for a drive, we go shopping, he pays for my cell for almost two years, we haven't had sex since we came from our last trip in puerto rico last year in December 2009, its almost a year we haven't had sex. I don't think he's cheating, I'm 23 he's 47 and I know he can be my dad but I love him so!! damn much not for what he have done for me but he's so sweet! I ask him before why we isn't having sex he told me because he don't, I don't know what's really going on! He says eventually one of these days we will have sex. We kiss we hug we have good ties with each other and so on! What I can say to your question is that let thing be. Kee loving him, what I do is pray

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Originally Posted by ladyluck88

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Thanks!