All very dramatic and poetic. No question you have a way with words.

But I am not trying to be poetic. Writing is a large part of my life. It has been my safe place for as long as I can remember. Anyway, thank you, everyone. I didn't get answers I was hoping for, but such is life, is it not? This will be over next year.

What answers did you hope to hear?

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Originally Posted by frenchmusic

I didn't get answers I was hoping for,.

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This site is different from most other Q&A sites. We try to provide solutions here, not just answers.

When it comes to answers we try to give the correct answers, not just what a poster wants to hear. But we also try to add advice that may help with the poster's situation. We have seen too many teenagers who think their home life is bad and want a different situation, but we also know we are only hearing one side of things.

You mention you have talked to the school about the physical abuse. What was the result?

Answers of hope, rather than well.. The opposite. It started well - and that's the only post I find relevant. Moving out.

The rest of the answers questioned my whole life. And almost implied that I am lying.

I hoped for a solution to help me, rather than an analysis of what I have done, and am doing, wrong.

The school sent me to the school's psychologist every day for two years. I never spoke about my family there, just about what I was feeling at the time. I would speak ambiguously about the pain I have been through with regard to my upbringing and family.

Their side of the story would mean nothing. I understand everything around me. And I am not in the wrong, they are. I accept punishment, I accept consequences. But there is such a difference between discipline and pain.

Talking about it again, and thinking about it again, makes me feel awful. I'm so happy right now, and I am so sad.

I want to be adopted, but it is not possible. I want to leave, so I will.

Well, then you got your answer. Wait until you are legal age, then leave.

Has your friend's mother asked your parents if you can live with her, without the benefit of adoption?

You say you've been a cutter for years. Have your parents also been in therapy to attempt to understand?

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Originally Posted by frenchmusic

The school sent me to the school's psychologist every day for two years. I never spoke about my family there, just about what I was feeling at the time. I would speak ambiguously about the pain I have been through with regard to my upbringing and family.

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And how was that supposed to help, if you refused to cooperate?

This also concerns me - why spend your time and the Psychologist's time (and energy and education) when you aren't going to be truthful? If the Psychologist wasn't told the truth (and the whole truth) why should I believe that I am now hearing the whole story?

I don't think adoption will solve this. I think it will be attempting to fill a well with a teaspoon. I hope I'm wrong.

My mom has seen a psychologist before, she was suicidal for a while. It was about six years ago. She got recommended a psychiatrist and was subsequently put on medication. The medication destroyed her, she held a gun to her head in front of me and my brother.

Because of that incident my family strongly disagree with therapy and most definitely medication. "Suck it up" would be an appropriate thing to say to someone in pain.

I would not be allowed to see a psychologist, I would get into trouble if I did.

I've spoken to her (friend's mom) about it a few times. She wants to meet my mother and perhaps build a relationship with her before she eases in the concept of me staying with her. It's difficult to go about. You know? It's not a very conventional situation I'm in.

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Originally Posted by frenchmusic

I would not be allowed to see a psychologist, I would get into trouble if I did.

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But you DID see one for two years, you said, but constantly put roadblocks in the way of any therapy.

I was truthful to the psychologist. I spoke about what I felt. It's hard to go into detail about being hit, or even verbally put down. It's hard! It's not easy! At all! I hardly speak at all, never mind about my life.

That is why I am here, it is anonymous. Nobody here knows me.

Why spend my time there? Because it did help talking about my feelings. The psychologist helped me deal with my emotions and my cutting. We focused mainly on my self-harm. And it helped. So it was beneficial.

Why is there so much miscommunication.

My life has so much context. I cannot type out every detail. I simply can't? When asked a question I'll explain. I can't write everything out at once. Every aspect. That's madness.

I saw one at the school. My parents didn't know. If they did they would make me stop going. I'm quite certain. My brother needs to see a psychologist. He needs to go to rehab, too. But my parents refuse. That is why I haven't even attempted in asking.

How do you get close enough to an adult female to discuss adoption without her meeting your parents? Don't they wonder where you are?

She is my friend's mom. So when I go to my friend's house I spend time with her. My friend's mom also fetches me from school sometimes and drives me home. We have an unbelievable connection. I'm not sure how or where it began. But wow.. She is in my heart. She most definitely is the biggest part of my life right now. The biggest part anything has ever been in my life.

We have not met by coincidence. We were supposed to meet.

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Originally Posted by frenchmusic

Why is there so much miscommunication.

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Why? Because you say a lot without saying anything.

So start up again with the school psychologist. There is a confidentiality agreement and bond you two will have, so your parents won't know unless you tell them.

See that needs context, too. The psychology ended badly. I found out, via a teacher whom I am close with, that the psychologist told the staff-room I am suicidal and she described everything I told her. This infuriated me. A lot. I told her I found out and I didn't do this in a very mature way. I ended up getting in a lot of trouble. So, it would be awkward to start seeing her again.

I don't need to see a psychologist. I need love.

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Originally Posted by frenchmusic

I need love.

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You have love.

I do, but I need it every day. Not just weekends. The notion in itself makes me unbelievably happy. But it's so uncomfortable to be surrounded by.. No love.

I need it physically too. I need love every day. Not just weekends.

Like I said. I am so sad, and I am so happy.

Meeting your emotional needs is like filling a well with a teaspoon. Until you conquer your demons (and what you post is like shifting sands) you are never going to find what you "need."