Ask Me Help Desk - How do I find my birth parents names? (closed adoption)

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharple5

THIS ANSWER MAKES ME SICK. I HAVE 5 CHILDREN OUT THERE AND I WOULD NEVER SAY TO THEM THEY RUINED MY NEW LIFE. MY 3 OLDEST ONES WHEN I FOUND THEM DID NOT MESS MY LIFE UP I ENJOYED THEIR EVERY MOMENT WITH ME. WHY WOULD A PARENT THINK THAT?:(:mad:

Because it's true.

I know a birthmother who is now a grandmother to the kids she had later. She never told her husband about the child she gave up for adoption. She never told her children. She had been raped to get pregnant in the first place, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. The only person who ever knew she'd even been pregnant was an aunt.

If her child came back, all of that would come back out in the open, and would result in her explaining her horrible experience over and over again--an experience that happened over 40 years ago.

She confessed this story to me when she found out that I was openly a birthmother. I had just gotten pictures of my child and was showing them off at work, and she blurted out the entire story to me, like a confession. She says it still haunts her. She never knew or wanted to know if the child was a boy or girl, and only knows that the child went to a good family who could not have children. She's never told anyone, and after telling me, would probably never tell anyone else--she's already gotten it off her chest.

So yes--it would devastate this woman to have that piece of her past, that she's put behind her and never talked about, show up at her door and say "Hi mom!". She would probably tell the kid that he/she was mistaken, and close the door.

Some birthparents NEEDED to put the whole thing behind them in order to cope. Please respect that while you and I would be ecstatic to see our children, some people really would have serious life problems to have a child just show up at their door.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amphitheregirl

I am adopted and I was just wondering if anyone new a faster and more discreet method of finding birth parents other than having to go to court and have the papers opened. I have tried going to various websites to try to find them but I have a huge problem. I don’t know my birth parents names and to make matters worse my adoptive parents loath the idea of me searching for my biological parents. My adoptive mom freaks out when I even mention it even though I have told her over and over again that I won’t love her any less if I find my birth mom. The only thing I know about my birth mom is that she was 14 when she had me. So honestly I’m stumped right now but I would greatly appreciate any suggestions.

What state are you from? I know in some states (maine now being one of them) you'll have access to your original birth certificate at 18. It's a shame that your mom is upset about you finding your biological mother (I detest the word birth mother, it makes women sound like breeders). Remember your bio mom was only 14 and who knows why she chose adoption. Perhaps she didn't have support from her parents, there are so many reasons people give up children for adoption. I do know that in a lot of cases the bio mom loves their child and thinks of them all the time. I know a girl who gave hers up at 19 and she was depressed for months afterwards but was afraid the bio father would step in and try and take the baby (he's a drug addict). She did it out of safety for her child.

I hope your mom will one day understand that most of us NEED to know our biological roots. My mom from the time I could remember told me about my bio dad (who left when he found out she was pregnant). She nor my stepdad was upset when I found him (she even told me where he lived). Had she lied to me about my bio dad or held back information I'd be very angry with her. I met him, saw he was a worthless sperm doner who only cared about himself and was able to tell my mom and stepdad this. I am thankfull for the stepdad mom chose for me as to me he is my real dad. I am also grateful she didn't mind that I chose to meet him and see for myself who he was, what he looked like, if we had things in common etc. It helped answer many questions (for example I am good in math because my stepdad taught it to me, my mom nor bio dad is very good at it. I am an excellent speller, most of the time, thanks to my stepdad who taught me to spell). I still have the math books he had in high school. He is a lot older then me and was born in 1926 so you can imagine how old these books are.

Let your mom know that you need to find your biological roots because of needing to know your medical background (does her family have a history of breast cancer, heart problems, etc). Let her know, no matter what a mom is the person that raises you and takes care of you and loves you. Maybe buy her a book on adoptive children that explains their feelings.

Unfortunately sometimes people think they "own" their kids. Granted she adopted you, she loves you and she raised you but you are a person and individual and no matter how much she spent in money and time and love she will never be able to "keep" you. Loving a child means learning to find what's best for them and sharing them with others (including someday perhaps a spouse of yours). It's just as hard to watch your child love a spouse and a child as it is to watch your child love their bio mom. I am sure like all of us parents we feel we may "lose" our children once they are grown and they will love someone else instead of us. I found out that's not the case, my daughter still loves me even though she has a child. Sure she loves us differently. I love my mom my sister and my family even though I love my child. It takes a village to raise a child and they can't be loved by too many people even when they are adults. I do hope she one days understands this.

Good luck with your quest. I know how it feels to want to have questions answered and thankfully I had mine answered and I was able to form my own opinions.

(I hate the word "Step Dad", my step dad is my "real Dad" to me/ Legally he is my step dad and so this term makes it less confusing when explaining my bio dad and real dad. (my step dad didn't make me but loved me and took care of me therefore he is my real dad, my bio dad was the sperm doner nothing more nothing less)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Because it's true.

I know a birthmother who is now a grandmother to the kids she had later. She never told her husband about the child she gave up for adoption. She never told her children. She had been raped to get pregnant in the first place, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. The only person who ever knew she'd even been pregnant was an aunt.

If her child came back, all of that would come back out in the open, and would result in her explaining her horrible experience over and over again--an experience that happened over 40 years ago.

She confessed this story to me when she found out that I was openly a birthmother. I had just gotten pictures of my child and was showing them off at work, and she blurted out the entire story to me, like a confession. She says it still haunts her. She never knew or wanted to know if the child was a boy or girl, and only knows that the child went to a good family who could not have children. She's never told anyone, and after telling me, would probably never tell anyone else--she's already gotten it off her chest.

So yes--it would devastate this woman to have that piece of her past, that she's put behind her and never talked about, show up at her door and say "Hi mom!". She would probably tell the kid that he/she was mistaken, and close the door.

Some birthparents NEEDED to put the whole thing behind them in order to cope. Please respect that while you and I would be ecstatic to see our children, some people really would have serious life problems to have a child just show up at their door.

There are many adoption stories. Personally I don't think this birth mother/bio mother knows what she would really do if her child showed up. It's easy to say she'd walk away but no matter the case of how the child was conceived, the child is still biologically related to her. I hope she wouldn't shut the door in the child's face as this person may need answers.

To the person seeking your bio mom. Don't let these types of stories scare you away and call first. Don't "show up". When I met my bio dad, I called his daughter first and asked if we could meet and asked her permission before barging in their house. I wanted to let her know I was alive. If she would have been upset or not wanted me to contact her father I wouldn't have. I did not want to hurt anyone. I only wanted answers and to meet these people with the same genes as me.

No... don't "call first" either.

Initiate contact through a third party--a priest, a counselor, a trusted friend.

And respect the wishes of the birthmother if she chooses NOT to be contacted further.

Look--I'm looking FORWARD to the day my daughted wants to meet. I think most birthparents have some wish to meet the children they placed for adoption. However--just as I would not advise a birthparent showing up at an adoptee's door or "calling them first", I wouldn't advise an adoptee to just pop over or call.

Just as the biological parent has no "rights" to the child once they relinquish them, the child has no "rights" to a biological parent if the biological parent is not amenable.

And just because you don't WANT to hurt someone doesn't mean you won't---divorce, trauma, depression, guilt, whatever--these things actually HAPPEN because adoptees think they have a RIGHT to more information than their medical history.

They don't.

It's wonderful when a reunion happens happily, but the reality is that anyone searching needs to realize that the person they're looking for may not WANT a reunion.

I never said don't search--I said be careful with what you do with that search.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Because it's true.

I know a birthmother who is now a grandmother to the kids she had later. She never told her husband about the child she gave up for adoption. She never told her children. She had been raped to get pregnant in the first place, and it was an extremely traumatic experience for her. The only person who ever knew she'd even been pregnant was an aunt.

If her child came back, all of that would come back out in the open, and would result in her explaining her horrible experience over and over again--an experience that happened over 40 years ago.

She confessed this story to me when she found out that I was openly a birthmother. I had just gotten pictures of my child and was showing them off at work, and she blurted out the entire story to me, like a confession. She says it still haunts her. She never knew or wanted to know if the child was a boy or girl, and only knows that the child went to a good family who could not have children. She's never told anyone, and after telling me, would probably never tell anyone else--she's already gotten it off her chest.

So yes--it would devastate this woman to have that piece of her past, that she's put behind her and never talked about, show up at her door and say "Hi mom!". She would probably tell the kid that he/she was mistaken, and close the door.

Some birthparents NEEDED to put the whole thing behind them in order to cope. Please respect that while you and I would be ecstatic to see our children, some people really would have serious life problems to have a child just show up at their door.

Yes, I do agree with you, but there is so many families who have been split apart by the system and it is NOT the parent's or children's faults. I just can't see for a mother to close the door on her child/ren, if she never told her new family. I have always told my babies my door will never shut on you, no matter where I am or who I am with. The adopted parents of my 3 oldest ones closed the doors on me and my 10 month baby last year, after I spent 1 1/2 years with my kids. It kills me everyday. Stacy God bless you and take care

If u are of age (18) and u are aware of your biological parents names, go to zabasearch.com. U have a good chance of finding them, even the phone book, if u know where or what state they live in. I know it is hard especially when u have so much closure u want to get off your shoulders and let old wounds heal, trust me u can get through this. I am a biological mother who was blessed by God to have gained all the information of my children and their adopted names, besides their where abouts. It took many years because I wanted until my daughter was 14 to find her and believe me that was the best day of my life. Just be careful, u are going to run in a couple of bumps in the road of searching, but don't give up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amphitheregirl

I am adopted and I was just wondering if anyone new a faster and more discreet method of finding birth parents other than having to go to court and have the papers opened. I have tried going to various websites to try to find them but I have a huge problem. I don’t know my birth parents names and to make matters worse my adoptive parents loath the idea of me searching for my biological parents. My adoptive mom freaks out when I even mention it even though I have told her over and over again that I won’t love her any less if I find my birth mom. The only thing I know about my birth mom is that she was 14 when she had me. So honestly I’m stumped right now but I would greatly appreciate any suggestions.

Amphitheatergirl. Im going through the same problem. I not sure were the same age. But, since you live with your parents, I'm guessing you are. I have asked my mom over and over and all she gives me is her LAST name not first, and her location. New York city, New york. I am a strange kid who knows more than my peers want me to know. Like the difference in truth, lies, and emotions. I could tell she was not lying and that by her body expressions afraid,agony, and paranoia. The thing is I started on first white pages with high hopes and sadly my rare stupid side showed. There were 12,467,073 results for that. :mad: Then I saw "free" adoption records. I type in my physical traits and it searched. It then said $23.95 for a lifetime pass. (which was the only thing they had offered.) Im only going to need this once. My friends would help me. Failed. Tried to ask mom again. Failed. People would tell me. Your mom probably doesn't want you to find out. People here even say that. I say put yourselves in my position and imagine that you never know your real parents and your stuck with over protective parents who think that I'm never going to grow up and that I would just move on from knowing who really gave birth to me! Respond, trust me once I write one message all the rest are WAY shorter

Quote:

Originally Posted by dormant123

Amphitheatergirl. Im going through the same problem. I not sure were the same age. But, since you live with your parents, im guessing you are. I have asked my mom over and over and all she gives me is her LAST name not first, and her location. New York city, New york. I am a strange kid who knows more than my peers want me to know. Like the difference in truth, lies, and emotions. I could tell she was not lying and that by her body expressions afraid,agony, and paranoia. The thing is i started on first white pages with high hopes and sadly my rare stupid side showed. There were 12,467,073 results for that. :mad: Then i saw "free" adoption records. I type in my physical traits and it searched. It then said $23.95 for a lifetime pass. (which was the only thing they had offered.) Im only gonna need this once. My friends would help me. Failed. Tried to ask mom again. Failed. People would tell me. Your mom probably doesnt want you to find out. People here even say that. I say put yourselves in my position and imagine that you never know your real parents and your stuck with over protective parents who think that im never going to grow up and that i would just move on from knowing who really gave birth to me! respond, trust me once i write one message all the rest are WAY shorter

Put yourself in your mother's position--EITHER of your "real" mothers: your adoptive mother and your birthmother.

You have no RIGHT to know anything more than your medical information. It also sounds like you are under 18--which means you have no "right" to anything your adoptive parents don't want to tell you.

Maybe your "overprotective" parents who think you are "never going to grow up" feel that way because you are ACTING like a child.

It doesn't MATTER who gave birth to you, as long as SOMEONE loved you and did the best they could to raise you.

My daughter is adopted. I would love to meet her birth parents. It doesn't matter what kind of people they are - they loved their baby enough to continue through the pregnancy and give her life. I thank them for that every day. There were other choices they could have made and I am so very glad they chose adoption! My daughter's life has not been one from a story book either. She watched her adoptive parents divorce and then her adoptive father passed away all while a teenager. But through all of this she knew she was loved and wanted.

So even you as an adopted child should feel some of this. Your birth mom chose to give you life. I am sure it was not an easy thing to go through the pregnancy and give you up but to do that she had to have loved you. There were other options for her and she chose you. Let that give you some comfort. If finding easch other is meant to be it will happen.