I have read both posts, and can only hope that Paynter167 comes back to read my suggestions to him.
But first, I'm disappointed in the replies that paynter167 has received. They seemed more like personal attacks rather than suggestions and advise on how he and his wife should go about approaching this very serious matter. Violence begets violence... While posting our replies, we should all remember that this is a help forum and not one for criticism or attacks on ones personal being. This forum consists of people from different states, countries, continents and with that there will be different cultures and different ways of life that we must all be open minded to. We as members can and should be able to give our personal opinions and suggestions without criticism and hurtful remarks.
In paynter167's defense - stress & frustration with parenting can cloud our vision and can make a desperate seek for help sound like an inconsiderate request. We have all been in heated situations where we have said we were going to do something mean and hurtful, but don't really mean it or intend to carry it out. More likely than not, he and his wife love their child and want the best for her (why else would he be here). But that's what she is - a child. How can she support herself or a child at 14 years old. She is too young to have a job. How will she pay for child care while she is in school? If she drops out of school now to care for her child, what kind of future will she be able to provide for herself and her child on an 8th or 9th grade education? He and his wife would have to assume all responsibility for their daughters baby, and who are we to judge, for what ever reason, whether they want another child or not. They have more than likely been dealing with a very rebellious young teen. After all, a 14 year old child does not get pregnant by being an innocent child. We must also remember that good parents can have children with bad attitudes and vise versa. We are not here to judge, we are here to offer our advise and hope that it helps.
So with that said...
I would suggest to paynter167 and his wife to wait for a calm evening and have a heart to heart with their daughter. Calmly (and I mean this whole heartedly), if you feel the urge to yell, you must leave the room. It is crucial for you and your wife to remain calm, level headed and sincere through out the entire time you are speaking with your daughter. This will give her the courage to let her defense down and open up to you. She will be able to listen and really hear what you are saying. She probably knows that she has disappointed you beyond belief, and believe it or not, knowing this is killing her inside. She needs to feel your love for her over the disappointment and she needs to know and feel that you as her parents unconditionally love her or she will seek unconditional love else where. We as humans are social beings and need to feel loved, needed and wanted. Sometimes showing unconditional love is challenging when your child is cursing you, rebelling against you and even shouting that they hate you. You just have to keep in mind that she really don't hate you, she is just trying to break away from childhood and find her place as she enters the next phase of her life. Still a child, but not yet a young adult is a hard phase to be in. She wants all the privileges of being a young adult, however, she is still to young and immature to fully handle the responsibilities or to deal with the consequences for her actions. Unfortunately it seem as though your family is well into "the phase of hell", and for what ever the reason, your daughters search for unconditional love began when she started having sex with boys. Because she didn't find it there, she will seek it from this baby.
The idea of adoption should be approached as an action of unconditional love reflecting on the love you have for your daughter along with the hopes and dreams that you and your wife have for her and her child's future. The unconditional love that you show your daughter will give her the strength, the courage and the ability to view adoption as an unselfish act of unconditional love for her baby. Because she loves her child so much and wants nothing but the best for her baby, the idea of letting someone who desperately wants a child that can not have one of their own raise her baby does not sound as threating or as heartless. She will be able to more easily accept the fact that the adoption family will be able to provide for all her babies needs and that it is the best decision for her baby.
Does your daughter know that she can pick the family? Does she know that she can look through portfolios and read letters from hopeful people that want a child, and that she can receive pictures and updates about her baby for as long as she wants. There are many different types of adoption processes - help her find one that she feels comfortable with.
If trust is never established and the adoption is one of force (which you have the right to do by law), your daughters feelings, her whole heart and soul will be jeopardized and her entire life will be one filled with "what ifs" and a never ending search for love in all the wrong places as she tries to fill the void.
I have seen this pattern more times than I can count.
It's not to late to mend a broken relationship between parent and child - and it's never to late to show you care.
I wish you and your family the very best.
Sincerely,
-Kae
