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How do I help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day don't want help. Its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together because he says he don't like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and I am his so I can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really don't know what to do anymore.
Leave him absolutely alone or he will destroy your life. Until he decides for himself to actually get help you are in danger yourself. Sorry, but the best way for you to help him is to leave him alone, and let him hit his rock bottom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
But he has hit rock bottom,he lost his house,car,me.and a month ago his nan died and she was more like his mum.he wants help but his pride gets in the way of asking for it. Any more advice would be gratefully received.
He has to WANT to help himself up from rock bottom. But he hasn't hit rock bottom, because he still has you. For both your sakes, you need to CUT HIM OFF until he begins to help himself.
You know what? If he loves you a lot and he would change himself for you, then he should still be loving you, and be with you matter what. He should change to become a good boy again, and be by your side. That's what I did with my boyfriend and it really happened him understand the real him, and we been together more than one year and he loves me a lot and same with me.. Good Luck!!Quote:
Originally Posted by kazzz
If he hasn't asked for help, he has not reached rock bottom. That's the whole point, as rock bottom will either make him seek help or not. Until he does leave him alone. Sorry but you can get the facts through your local Al-Anon group, or go to Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous to get the facts about addiction which I strongly urge you to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by kazzz
If you stay with this guy while he is using you are enabling him. As talaniman has suggested you should regularly attend Al-Anon meetings as well as go to a few open meetings at a Narcotics Anonymous and a Alcoholics Anonymous group. This will give you a much better understanding of what you are up against and arm you with the tools that you need to best help him.
The best thing that you can do is tell him that he is out of your life until he has gone to some sort of program and has been clean for 3 months or more. Then the choice is his. You really need to let him hit rock bottom in every way. As long as there is someone there like you, or something (such as his job, car, apartment, etc.) then he has not hit rock bottom. He needs to feel like he has lost everything because of his addiction THEN he needs to want to pull himself up out of that. You aren't abandoning HIM... you are abandoning the addiction and effects of it.
Al-Anon will also give you an incredible amount of support through all of this. I urge you to go to 3 or 4 meetings before deciding that it's not for you. Either way, you definitely need to attend a couple of Narc-Anon and AA meetings so that you can hear what made/makes a difference to recovering alcoholics and drug users, the excuses and lies they tell, and the reasons they don't quit.
Remember, not only are you enabling and hurting him if you don't back away and let him fall, but you are in an incredible amount of danger. That world is not a pretty one.
I wish you luck, love and happiness and I believe you can find it if you follow the popular advice here, educate yourself about the addiction and stay strong.
Hugs, Didi
i'm very sorry about what your going through. Honestly there is nothing you can do. He has to want to get help and not you or anyone else can make him do that. Tough love is the best thing you can do. Tell him you love him but can't be with him other wise you will be taken on a roller coaster ride that you definitely don't want to go on. Drug addiction is a horriable thing and a person is on drugs eventually that is their only priorty drugs and more drugs. i'm really sorry but you should just let him go he has to learn on his own and if he gets clean maybe then you can start over. Good luck and by the way i am a recovering coke/crack addict so i kind know what i'm talking about.Quote:
Originally Posted by kazzz
Thanks for all the feed back.I took the adivce and today was going to be the start of leaving him alone but I was on bus on way back from town and I saw him walking to town and he looked so down,I just can't do that to him,plus he wouldn't believe me, I could tell him its over and every think but he knows me too well and will know I don't mean it.
Then maybe you should mean it! For your own good as well as his! It's that important. You don't have to tell him anything just leave him alone. Don't allow him near you. Sorry.
This is very sad... obviously you don't love your boyfriend. If you did you would allow him to be down, allow him to feel bad about being an addict, mean what you say and get him to that place where he knows the only way out is to get straight. As long as you don't mean what you say and refuse to let him take responsibility for his own actions you are enabling. Enabling him is just like handing him the drugs to kill himself with. It's too bad your love isn't strong enough. I hope you are prepared to bury him, too.Quote:
Originally Posted by kazzz
Didi
You Really Have To Just Let Him Go. Please Do You Best And Be Strong! It's Not Easy But You Will Get Trough It!
I've done it, I said to him that I can't be there anymore for him,that he has to do it on his own,he said that he thinks that there isn't any futhure for us any way. I truly believe that he is lying.but I told him exactly how I was feeling and how much he hurt me. Haven't seen him for one month and haven't spoken to him for nearly two weeks.now he has got no one.he should now hit his rock bottom.he still has a lot of my stuff that he knows is very important to me.I told him as soon as I get my stuff the more quick I can move on.still haven't heard anythink.do you think he is hanging on to it for a perpose.
How bad are withdrawals from coke, and how long usually will it take to be free of the symptoms.
It can take years, it depends on how bad he wants to be clean, and how hard he works at it.
Okay you are on the right track. Good for you. As far as him holding your stuff, that is not important to him. What is important is the next buzz, the next high and where now to get the money to buy that high. That is all he can concentrate on.
As far as the withdrawals go. They last 3 - 5 days for cocaine and they include general fatigue (tiredness), apathy (feeling sorry for himself), depression, drowsiness, irritability and paranoia. Now understand that these symptoms are for physical withdrawals, not mental or emotional withdrawal.
Cocaine is a drug that becomes addictive more psychologically than physically. Once the physical withdrawals are over, he has a lifetime battle staying away from the emotional aspect of cocaine.
Addiction is a lifetime disease and there is no cure.
he has always been honest about his addiction although addiction causes u to lie,which I no.
he said he isn't done any 4 over two weeks and was finding it really hard.and said he wanted to b on his own and left alone,so I left him alone.then I asked how he was doing sum days later and he didn't text bk so I asked if he was OK because I was worried and that's when he said he has to rebuild his life and don't think he can ave any kind of a relationship for a long time,and said I should move on.is it possible that he has gone back on to cocaine a feels like he has let me down again and that I deserve beta.and feels sorry 4 himself.
Sweetie, it is hard to say what he has done. He may have gone back on the coke, or he may be trying to finally make a go of it. But such is the life of an addict.
You need to cut all ties. No Contact. No calls, no texts, no e-mails, NOTHING.
Start to rebuild your life. You have been in an unhealthy situation for a while. Time to get yourself healthy again.
Also he won't face me. Is it wrong to think that he won't face me because he loves me and can't stand what he is doing.plus at the moment I don't think he believes that I'm not going to be there in the long run.but I no only time can prove that.
Leave him! If he loved you or cared about you he would straighten the hell up! If he won't face you, he doesn't care about anyone about except himself and the drugs. He's going to hurt you even more then you are hurt now if you keep tagging along with his stupidity.
If he is making a go of it, do addicts normally get there old personality back,be as they were before they started the coke.
Yes, true. Just let him go for awhile. Let him find himself without the drugs. When he's clean, try it again. You just got to be strong babydoll.
You shouldn't put yourself in a place where he has the opportunity to face you. No contact means just that, no contact. Only he can help himself, there is no one on the face of the planet that can help him, but him.
Most likely he is ashamed and embarrassed of what he has become. But if you leave him totally and completely alone, he may come to that conclusion on his own.
Do you see how his drug addiction is hurting you? Notice HIS addiction is hurting YOU.
He will never be cured. NEVER. Addiction is a life long battle.
Ask yourself if this is the life you want to live. Ponder that. Because if you stay with him one or more of a few things will happen:
You will become addicted
You will become abused, physically, emotionally or mentally
You will bury him.
I know those statements are hard to comprehend, but that is the reality of addiction.
He has to face this monster on his own now. He said his peace, so let him battle this without constantly hounding him to see if he is okay, to see if he needs anything, etc.
That just makes the battle harder to win.
Thanks,as long as there is hope that he will be as he was I'm fine with that.
He will never be the same Kazzz, He is an addict, he will always be an addict. There will always be a craving for the drug.
Nothing in his life will ever be the same as it was before he became addicted.
Really appreciate everyone's advice.still don't understand the full thing on addiction and stuff and ave read so much on it. Also if he was to see me, I know he would just throw his arms round me,because that's what he did before.but we do live far enough apart to not bump into each other. Except at the job centre,lol.I just want to slap him,shake him and say what the hell are you doing.I no that won't help but it would make me feel beta.thanx again all
I understand that but because he is my first love guess I'm just really hopein that because he loved me before the coke that he will love me after the coke.
Hun, right now he just loves the coke. Leave him completely alone. Totally, completely. Let him get better by himself. You are only hindering him now, making it harder for him to get clean.
Go to an Al-Anon or Narc Anon meeting they will help you understand this much better.
Sounds silly I no,but I would be prepared for every think just to be with him.
I will never be an addict I ave never been interested in even trying them because I no they destroy your life.most I've ever done is smoke fags,don't even drink sounds quite boring for a 23 year old really.lol
Funny thing is I no most of what your all saying,and ave stopped all contact with him,its hard but I'm doing it.just makes a difference when other people say it.
Thanks again all
Quitting coke is not an easy thing to do, but you need to understand that you can not help him. The only thing is that you will go down with him. I am not trying to sound mean or heartless but how does you hitting bottom with him.. help it ? And that is what will happen.
Some things a person has got to do alone. After the signing into re-hab then perhaps your support will help him, but until he helps himself.. all you can do is stop seeing him or hit bottom with him.
You Only have one thing to do.. Chose do you think trying to help or even loving him will ever make him stop.. NO! It won't.. drugs are addictive and if he wanted to stop he could get help and he won't.. dont tell yourself he will change or he will stop.. because 9 times out of 10.. he won't.. Ive been through something kind of like this.. and if you want a life that doesn't involve drugs.. u have to get away from it... and realize there is something better out there you just haven't had time to find it yet
Thanks and I do understand what you are all saying, I do believe though that he will get off it,if he isn't already.he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but I do hope so.and I can't help but hang on to that 1% that he will change.it gets me through the day,so at the moment I got to do it.
Oh kazzz, Please reconsider your last post and get a life that you enjoy without him, as he may never recover and if he does, it could take years before he can maintain his recovery and be clean for any length of time. Waiting on his maybe changing may not be healthy for you right now, as you must heal also from what he has already put you through. Please consider it at least.
Ave considered it,but at the moment I need to believe this to get through,because other wise I'm going to go mad,and had thoughts that I shudnt ave.
Don't get me wrong if I went out for drink and I met sumone and a felt a spark I wouldn't say no.
I feel that at the moment there is still something to hang on to.
I was with a self harmer before,I never loved him,thought I did at time but realised that I was in unhealthy relationship so I got out of it.
I now no what it is too love some one,and I can't give up on him just yet.
Think the best thing for me to do is to carry on with this site,ave no contact with him.sort my life out and c how its goes with him.he can't hurt me anymore than what he has.
What do you think?
I think yor wasting your time with false hope, instead of positive healing action, to get healthy, and make better decisions.
Give him his space and continue to pray for him. Sometimes as women we need to give our men space and pray.Quote:
Originally Posted by kazzz
Well I ave to learn from my owm mistakes. I can't ave a life full of what ifs.
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