Last night was the last straw for my mom, My dad went out drinking to some dance and didn't come back until this morning around 10am. My mom, left to go out to her parents house... She wanted m to come with her, but I couldn't just leave my dog and my cats. And plus I still have to go to school. My whole family is gone, I am now alone in the house with my dad... I just can't believe my mom left, first my brothers an now her... I don't even know when she's coming back. She said she doesn't love dad any less, but she doesn't like the alcohol. What can I do.

I have no advice at all other than I wish I were there to give you, Rex and the cats a big hug and tell you it'll be all right. Meaningless, I know, but I feel so helpless.

In this situation their isn't much you can do, its up to your parents to work it out, in essence it has nothing to do with you even though it does affect you. One thing you can try(though I do doubt it would succeed) is to talk to your dad about his drinking problem. Unfortunately with an alcoholic(I was one) it doesn't matter who says what unless they realize they have a problem.

How old are you ? That makes a difference in my answer

As much as I hate to say it there isn't really anything you can do, lots of kids have a hard time dealing with a separation and think that it's their fault, but your just going to have to fight through it.

Maybe you and your mom can attend some Al-Anon meetings in your area.

I am 16 years old, and I never thouht of dad as an alcoholic, as he doesn't drink constantly only probably once or twice a week, but when he does drink he drinks too much.

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Originally Posted by darkvision

In this situation their isnt much you can do, its up to your parents to work it out, in essence it has nothing to do with you even though it does affect you. One thing you can try(though i do doubt it would succeed) is to talk to your dad about his drinking problem. Unfortunately with an alcoholic(i was one) it doesnt matter who says what unless they realize they have a problem.

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He has pretty much lost his family. I don't see anything that a 16 year old can say to him that will make a difference. At this moment OP has to be safe and cared for. These are adult problems and although you would not know from her postings, she is not an adult.

I think an adult has to get involved here. No one can make her father stop drinking. Someone can keep her safe.

Thank you for the concern, judykaytee, but trust me, my safety has never ever been a concern. I know Rex would never let anyone hurt me. And my dad has never ever been violent.

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Originally Posted by rex123

I am 16 years old, and I never thouht of dad as an alcoholic, as he doesn't drink constantly only probably once or twice a week, but when he does drink he drinks to much.

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Alcoholics come on many levels. Some able to function and not drink every day. I am not trying to call you father an alcoholic. Al-Anon, is a wonderful support group on many levels and would be suitable for family members of a father who drinks too much when he drinks and is disrupting his family on those occasions.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that your father would ever hurt you - I meant emotional safety, not having to worry about things like this at your age. I think somebody should be shielding you from these problems.

Sweetie Sweetie, I think that it may not be the popular answer and I might get a little flack but I think that you should Pray. You're a brave, smart young woman. Obviously with priorities in order. I am so sorry for your hard times. Try to stay focused on you. It's important that you keep your strength. Best wishes

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

He has pretty much lost his family. I don't see anything that a 16 year old can say to him that will make a difference. At this moment OP has to be safe and cared for. These are adult problems and although you would not know from her postings, she is not an adult.

I think an adult has to get involved here. No one can make her father stop drinking. Someone can keep her safe.

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read my post please, I did say it was unlikely that their would be anything that could be said that would change the person.


to the user with the issue: Its not necessarily how often the person has a drink or even that they might get black out drunk every now and then(like once or twice a year) but that his drinking is harming the family(or friends as well) that is the issue. If someone's drinking is causing a family issue than the person has a problem. This is generally referred to as alcoholism. It took me months and months and months with everyone in my family, all of my friends saying that I had a problem to finally admit that I did. Its not that I drank every day, but that once I started drinking, I didn't know when to stop. In the end I went to 1(yes 1) AA meeting(not being christian I had many reservations about going). But they said something their that made a LOT of sense. As a test they said go without alcohol for x time period(I went 3 months), then go out to a bar and have ONE drink. Then don't drink again for x period and if u can basically keep it social(having one or two drinks and stoping) then you are not an alcoholic. For me it took an iron will. I will not say it was easy, especially the first month, something good happened I wanted a drink, something bad happened I wanted a drink, I was bored... I wanted a drink. But I just told myself no. and it worked for me. But it may not work for your dad, he may have to go the full no alcohol route, or go to rehab or any other number of things. But he has to realize it himself and want to change himself in order to make it happen. Its not something you or your mom can do, though you can try to help. Just realize that it stands a good chance of being rejected.

I have been told that if ONE drink affects adversely effects your behavior, you are an alcoholic. It's not the frequency or the amount - it's the behavior.

Perhaps someone has a source.

And, yes, I DID read your posts - most of your posts, in fact.

Seems there are a lot of varying factors to define a functional alcoholic, but here is a "quiz" on the AA.com site

Alcoholics Anonymous : IS A.A. FOR YOU?

Not the OP's concern, but a question that I have is drinking and getting drunk and coming home in broken condition is offensive, but 10 am. to me that states an additional problem, where was he?

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Originally Posted by rex123

I am 16 years old, and I never thouht of dad as an alcoholic, as he doesn't drink constantly only probably once or twice a week, but when he does drink he drinks to much.

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Honey I feel so bad for you I wish things were so much better for you. You live in a world of fear and your mother is truly in lot of fear of maybe his reactions when he does come home and the treatment he might give when he comes in.. She is just not thinking right at this time honey just give her time she is scarred and upset at the fact your dad has a problem and she needs peace ,comfrot and time alone perhaps. You just take care of yourself right now and keep from harm if it does get in bad position for you you,take to someone and tell them and get help please do not live with him under his conditions even though he might be a good dad but when he is drunk they do not think right they have loss of their ability to think when there very drunk.. I hope things do get better for you and your mom tell her I am going keep you two in my prayers.Here is a verse you can keep with you from the bible if you won't.. I KNOW THAT I MAY STILL HAVE TO FACE EMBARRASSMENT FROM MY PARENTS IN THE FUTURE ,BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT IF I RELY ON GOD HE WILL GIVE ME STRENGTH TO ENDURE.. :)

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have been told that if ONE drink affects adversely effects your behavior, you are an alcoholic. It's not the frequency or the amount - it's the behavior.

Perhaps someone has a source.

And, yes, I DID read your posts - most of your posts, in fact.

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Wiether you did or didn't is a very minor thing ;) after all this isn't about us.

Anyway for resources I had several navy sites/pamphlets but do not remember them and see no real reason to look them up as AA's webiste(as posted by another user) will work fine. Some of this certainly open to interpretation. And while I don't always agree with AA's methods, they are actually a very good group and actually not as quick to judge someone an alcoholic as you would think. Which is why I did bring them up. Then again that is just my personal experience with one chapter out of many.

And judy technically speaking one drink adversely effects everyone(reduced coordination from slower synapse response etc so forth), but I take it you mean either that the user can't control his or her liquor(acts way out side of normal pattern? In other words violent, or can't stop drinking or some such?) if so any of those three factors can show an "alcoholic" though generally its actions and amount that more determine alcoholism than frequency. In other words if you drank once a month but when you drank you always got black out drunk(say 12+ drinks) then yes you have a serious problem. Having for instance a glass of wine with an evening meal every night, or a beer when you get off work would have your frequency extremely high, yet depending on who's doing the defining you could still not be considered an alcoholic. In essence(at least the way I understand it) your only an alcoholic when you don't know when to say NO. that is the real main issue or contributing factor if you will.

And once again depending on who you talk to or where you go for the information the definition of an alcoholic will change from site to site, group to group, or person to person. I think its best defined as not being able to say no to another drink(in other words not knowing what's good for you, or in essence disregarding what you know is best)

Also to the posting user. I don't think anyone has said it yet but in some ways count your blessings. There are a lot worse alcoholics out their or things that are worse than them for a dad(considering you haven't stated these things I am assuming he isnt:wife beater, mean drunk, rapist, etc so forth).

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Originally Posted by darkvision

wiether you did or didnt is a very minor thing ;) after all this isnt about us.



Also to the posting user. I dont think anyone has said it yet but in some ways count your blessings. Their are a lot worse alcoholics out their or things that are worse than them for a dad(considering you havent stated these things i am assuming he isnt:wife beater, mean drunk, rapist, etc so forth).

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Wha?

I am very sorry that you have been put in this situation.It kind of puts you in the middle of this mess and you do not deserve that.
My suggestion would be to contact al anon which is a program for family members of alcoholics.It would be beneficial to you and Mom to attend together. Here is a link I hope you will find useful.
Please share your concerns with an adult you trust and respect.

Online Al-Anon Outreach

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Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

wha?

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I'm with you on that. It's of the "be grateful your husband cheats but doesn't beat you up" school of thought.

What?

REX 123 - want this closed? Just ask a moderator and, poof, it's gone. Hit "report inappropriate post." Report mine - that will close it for you. Maybe you've heard enough and it's down to bickering, not advice.

(Hope you're okay. Hugs. I'd hug Rex but all that fur? I don't think so!)

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Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

wha?

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The first portion was meant to the guy quoting me, that I said he didn't read fully, he said he mostly had. So I was saying wasn't a big deal one way or the other.

For the ending perhaps I was unclear? It was meant for the maker of the question to say that even though alcoholism is considered "bad" and most, if not all users are saying so. This doesn't mean that the dad is actually a "bad" person. That you could have a lot worse for a father, especially since this one is easily curable(provided he admits his problem) and is not something that will permanently damage the family like say dads a child rapist or a wife beater. In other words even if it is a "evil" it is a minor one.(as far as evils go that is, at least in my opinion, though that is obviously tainted with my own beliefs, and circumstances)

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Originally Posted by darkvision

and judy technically speaking one drink adversely effects everyone(reduced coordination from slower synapse response etc so forth), but i take it you mean either that the user can't control his or her liquor(acts way out side of normal pattern? in other words violent, or can't stop drinking or some such?) if so any of those three factors can show an "alcoholic" though generally its actions and amount that more determine alcoholism than frequency. In other words if you drank once a month but when you drank you always got black out drunk(say 12+ drinks) then yes you have a serious problem. Having for instance a glass of wine with an evening meal every night, or a beer when you get off work would have your frequency extremely high, yet depending on whos doing the defining you could still not be considered an alcoholic. In essence(at least the way i understand it) your only an alcoholic when you dont know when to say NO. that is the real main issue or contributing factor if you will.

and once agian depending on who you talk to or where you go for the information the definition of an alcoholic will change from site to site, group to group, or person to person. I think its best defined as not being able to say no to another drink(in other words not knowing whats good for you, or in essence disregarding what you know is best)

also to the posting user. I dont think anyone has said it yet but in some ways count your blessings. their are a lot worse alcoholics out their or things that are worse than them for a dad(considering you havent stated these things i am assuming he isnt:wife beater, mean drunk, rapist, etc so forth).

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No, I meant what I said - if one drink adversely affects your behavior you have a drinking problem. I don't know that I'd use the alcoholic label but there is a problem. If your behavior is not ADVERSELY affected, then it's your own call.

I meant exactly what I said. That's why I said it. I don't need someone to translate for me.

As far as there are things worse than being related to an alcoholic - for example, being related to a wife beater, mean drunk, rapist and so forth - ? What? Small comfort on THOSE words.

And to Darkvision - don't PM me with advice on how I should behave on the boards until you've posted more than 103 times and, in fact, have posted correct info at least a couple of times. I won't even go into your random, disjointed, illogical thinking in your PM to me but don't contact me again. If you can't post it here, in public, keep it to yourself. For your info people posting on this site are NOT supposed to share accounts so you may want to get that straight in your mind.

If you want to blog, open your own site. If you want to message, go to a message board. If you want drama, write a play.

I atually did go and see mom today... After school, dad let me borrow the car and I was so grateful that he also permitted me to take Rxe with me. In two weeks I'll have had my license for 3 months, and today was the first time I drove with Rex alone. I was so glad I got to take him with me because I didn't want to leave my grandparents house alone, I knew mom wouldn't come home but I couldn't leave alone...

I think that I blame my mom, and am mad at her for leaving, I just didn't think she could. I miss her so much, and I know dad does to...

It just seems that my family keeps leaving... I mean a couple months ago my brothers moved out, and now mom left and who knows when she's coming back. Today when I went to see her I felt so awkward and I couldn't even hug her before I left.

I feel like what's the point anymore in trusting people they only leave and you only get hurt.

I really feel bad for Rex though cause it seems, that I just cling to him all the time, his neck must be crushed, from all the hugs. I don't know what I would do without him, he's what keeps me going.

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Originally Posted by darkvision

the first portion was ment to the guy quoting me, that i said he didnt read fully, he said he mostly had. so i was saying wasnt a big deal one way or the other.

for the ending perhaps i was unclear? It was ment for the maker of the question to say that even though alcoholism is considered "bad" and most, if not all users are saying so. this doesnt mean that the dad is actually a "bad" person. that you could have a lot worse for a father, especially since this one is easily curable(provided he admits his problem) and is not something that will permanently damage the family like say dads a child rapist or a wife beater. in other words even if it is a "evil" it is a minor one.(as far as evils go that is, at least in my opinion, though that is obviously tainted with my own beliefs, and circumstances)

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When you can't tell from the user name if the person is a man or a woman you probably AREN'T reading the posts very carefully.

As far as alcoholism being easily curable - you may want to start a company and start selling the cure.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

REX 123 - want this closed? Just ask a moderator and, poof, it's gone. Hit "report inappropriate post." Report mine - that will close it for you. Maybe you've heard enough and it's down to bickering, not advice.

(Hope you're okay. Hugs. I'd hug Rex but all that fur? I don't think so!)

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Thanks, I try to ignore some people's posts but some of you wouldn't believe how much you help me. Just by letting me talk about it, and not keeping it inside.

My dogs sop up my tears really well. When my husband first died I sat with them every night and dried my eyes on their ears! I didn't know you got your license. How about that!

I think life is all about people coming and going, some forever, some for a while. I think when any of us lose basic trust on every level, we've lost our souls. I know you've been hurt and maybe abandoned but I think your Mom is doing her best to cope. There are no easy answers and it can't be a happy situation for your Dad.

On a very different level I am having trouble trusting - people die and leave you.

And then there's you, in the middle of a very adult problem.

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Originally Posted by rex123

I atually did go and see mom today... After school, dad let me borrow the car and I was so greatful that he also permitted me to take Rxe with me. In two weeks I'll have had my license for 3 months, and today was the first time I drove with Rex alone. I was so glad I got to take him with me because I didn't want to leave my grandparents house alone, I knew mom wouldn't come home but I couldn't leave alone...

I think that I blame my mom, and am mad at her for leaving, I just didn't think she could. I miss her so much, and I know dad does to...

It just seems that my family keeps leaving... I mean a couple months ago my brothers moved out, and now mom left and who knows when she's coming back. Today when I went to see her I felt so awkward and I couldn't even hug her before I left.

I feel like whats the point anymore in trusting people they only leave and you only get hurt.

I really feel bad for Rex though cause it seems, that I just cling to him all the time, his neck must be crushed, from all the hugs. I don't know what I would do without him, he's what keeps me going.

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Ah honey I know how you feel,having gone through this as a youngster myself.I realize you are not a youngster but I was at the time.It really hurts!

Even if you live in the house ,its really hard to understand the intimate details of someone else 's relationship,yes,even your parents.I am sure there are things you do not know that they want to keep private.

It isn't fair to blame anyone without knowing all of the details.I am sure your Mom could use a friend right now as much as you.Give her a call and try to tell her what you are feeling.

I am glad you have comfort with your dog.I had many a tear licked away by mine over the years.They just seem to know ,don't they?

I wish that you would seek out a self-help group such as Alanon or Alateen. While you may think you have nothing in common, or enough in common, to go to such meetings, there will be information that is specifically for people in situations just like you are.

In addition to that, there will be resources, reading material, support, and others living with similar circumstances who can be a source of great comfort and companionship. Artlady posted a link worth checking out.

Regardless of what has caused the problems within your family, you may be only in a position to better understand how to cope not only with what is happening currently, but the changes that will lie ahead.

As Judy said, if only one drink adversely affects a person's behaviour, then it is a problem, not only for the one drinking, but for those coping with that behaviour. Add to that the emotional upheaval for every person in the family, and there are a lot of emotions running high for everyone.

When adults are so engulfed in their own problems, it is difficult for them to see, and to cope with yours. I would advise you to seriously consider your OWN needs, and seek help to understand not only what you can do to help yourself during this time, but what you can, and cannot do, to help the others in your family.

I hope you'll stick around, and let us know how you're making out.

Take good care of you.

I know this is a little old but I was just wondering how things are going for you?

Your Father is what is known as a Functional Alcoholic. Sometimes they can be the hardest to get to quit because they are in fact functioning and do not do it All the time so it is hard for them to face that they actually have a issue.
I know you are 16 and in all honesty I believe that you can in fact Speak to him and possibly get through to him.

Sit down one morning before he has had anything to drink and be honest and open with him.
Share with him how this is making you feel Share with him what your Mother said about loving him and not the drinking, share with him that you want your family back and his drinking is preventing that Let him know how worried you are about him and how you really want him to stop Tell him you want to help and hopefully it will help PLEASE though if it does not please know that it has Nothing to do with you It is an addiction and sometimes it takes more than one loved one can give to get through to a person

Let him know that you do not like being there without other family there as a whole and that at the same time you do not want him to be alone.

I do think Al anon is a good thing for you and your Mom.

You sound like a Very mature and smart young person but please know that you still need your family and he needs to get it together and give that to you.

Good Luck

I can't believe I missed this thread! :(

Rex, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this, it's not fair, but I know you can handle it.

You are a very mature young lady, I was shocked when I found out that you are only 16 years old because your posts are so well written, so mature. You are an impressive person, you will go far in this world, of that I am certain.

Your love for your family, your pets, others, that's a gift, something that no one can ever take away from you unless you let them. Don't let them.

I know that this situation is hard, I wish I had an answer, a step by step system that would work, but sadly I don't. All I can offer is my shoulder, my ear and a big hug.

You will get through this, because you have to. We're here if you need us, anytime you need us. Know that and hopefully that will bring you a little bit of comfort.

Big hug to you and your fur babies. :)

Children Of Alcoholics | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

I hope this sight can give you some facts, that help you understand why your mom has left, but don't worry, this is really between your parents, who have problems of their own. Do you have a support system to talk with, be it family, or friends?

You know maybe just sitt with your dad when he hasn't been drinking, and talk to him. Tell him you love him and all the fun you had with him and you don't want it to stop. Tell him your drinking scares you and that dad I love you but will you please not drink for meu.. tell him how he turns into a different person your scared od when he drinks and you love him just the way he is sober.. Keep telling him you love him and don't make threats like I am leaving you and that stuff. Just see where the confersation takes you. And remember you 16 yrs old dealing with adult stuff and I know its not fair to you. But the best advise id give to you is just to talk to him don't let any anger happen just love. I wish you the very best sweetheart and let us know how everything went.

I've been in your situation, except mine was a whole lot worse. But I'm sorry to say there is a slim chance you'll be able to do anything about your dad drinking but don't give up. I tried for 4 years. Add hope you the best of luck