Ask Me Help Desk - Mom left.

Mom left.

Last night was the last straw for my mom, My dad went out drinking to some dance and didn't come back until this morning around 10am. My mom, left to go out to her parents house... She wanted m to come with her, but I couldn't just leave my dog and my cats. And plus I still have to go to school. My whole family is gone, I am now alone in the house with my dad... I just can't believe my mom left, first my brothers an now her... I don't even know when she's coming back. She said she doesn't love dad any less, but she doesn't like the alcohol. What can I do.

I have no advice at all other than I wish I were there to give you, Rex and the cats a big hug and tell you it'll be all right. Meaningless, I know, but I feel so helpless.

In this situation their isn't much you can do, its up to your parents to work it out, in essence it has nothing to do with you even though it does affect you. One thing you can try(though I do doubt it would succeed) is to talk to your dad about his drinking problem. Unfortunately with an alcoholic(I was one) it doesn't matter who says what unless they realize they have a problem.

How old are you ? That makes a difference in my answer

As much as I hate to say it there isn't really anything you can do, lots of kids have a hard time dealing with a separation and think that it's their fault, but your just going to have to fight through it.

Maybe you and your mom can attend some Al-Anon meetings in your area.

I am 16 years old, and I never thouht of dad as an alcoholic, as he doesn't drink constantly only probably once or twice a week, but when he does drink he drinks too much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkvision

In this situation their isnt much you can do, its up to your parents to work it out, in essence it has nothing to do with you even though it does affect you. One thing you can try(though i do doubt it would succeed) is to talk to your dad about his drinking problem. Unfortunately with an alcoholic(i was one) it doesnt matter who says what unless they realize they have a problem.

He has pretty much lost his family. I don't see anything that a 16 year old can say to him that will make a difference. At this moment OP has to be safe and cared for. These are adult problems and although you would not know from her postings, she is not an adult.

I think an adult has to get involved here. No one can make her father stop drinking. Someone can keep her safe.

Thank you for the concern, judykaytee, but trust me, my safety has never ever been a concern. I know Rex would never let anyone hurt me. And my dad has never ever been violent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rex123

I am 16 years old, and I never thouht of dad as an alcoholic, as he doesn't drink constantly only probably once or twice a week, but when he does drink he drinks to much.

Alcoholics come on many levels. Some able to function and not drink every day. I am not trying to call you father an alcoholic. Al-Anon, is a wonderful support group on many levels and would be suitable for family members of a father who drinks too much when he drinks and is disrupting his family on those occasions.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that your father would ever hurt you - I meant emotional safety, not having to worry about things like this at your age. I think somebody should be shielding you from these problems.

Sweetie Sweetie, I think that it may not be the popular answer and I might get a little flack but I think that you should Pray. You're a brave, smart young woman. Obviously with priorities in order. I am so sorry for your hard times. Try to stay focused on you. It's important that you keep your strength. Best wishes

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

He has pretty much lost his family. I don't see anything that a 16 year old can say to him that will make a difference. At this moment OP has to be safe and cared for. These are adult problems and although you would not know from her postings, she is not an adult.

I think an adult has to get involved here. No one can make her father stop drinking. Someone can keep her safe.

read my post please, I did say it was unlikely that their would be anything that could be said that would change the person.

to the user with the issue: Its not necessarily how often the person has a drink or even that they might get black out drunk every now and then(like once or twice a year) but that his drinking is harming the family(or friends as well) that is the issue. If someone's drinking is causing a family issue than the person has a problem. This is generally referred to as alcoholism. It took me months and months and months with everyone in my family, all of my friends saying that I had a problem to finally admit that I did. Its not that I drank every day, but that once I started drinking, I didn't know when to stop. In the end I went to 1(yes 1) AA meeting(not being christian I had many reservations about going). But they said something their that made a LOT of sense. As a test they said go without alcohol for x time period(I went 3 months), then go out to a bar and have ONE drink. Then don't drink again for x period and if u can basically keep it social(having one or two drinks and stoping) then you are not an alcoholic. For me it took an iron will. I will not say it was easy, especially the first month, something good happened I wanted a drink, something bad happened I wanted a drink, I was bored... I wanted a drink. But I just told myself no. and it worked for me. But it may not work for your dad, he may have to go the full no alcohol route, or go to rehab or any other number of things. But he has to realize it himself and want to change himself in order to make it happen. Its not something you or your mom can do, though you can try to help. Just realize that it stands a good chance of being rejected.

I have been told that if ONE drink affects adversely effects your behavior, you are an alcoholic. It's not the frequency or the amount - it's the behavior.

Perhaps someone has a source.

And, yes, I DID read your posts - most of your posts, in fact.

Seems there are a lot of varying factors to define a functional alcoholic, but here is a "quiz" on the AA.com site

Alcoholics Anonymous : IS A.A. FOR YOU?

Not the OP's concern, but a question that I have is drinking and getting drunk and coming home in broken condition is offensive, but 10 am. to me that states an additional problem, where was he?

Quote:

Originally Posted by rex123

I am 16 years old, and I never thouht of dad as an alcoholic, as he doesn't drink constantly only probably once or twice a week, but when he does drink he drinks to much.

Honey I feel so bad for you I wish things were so much better for you. You live in a world of fear and your mother is truly in lot of fear of maybe his reactions when he does come home and the treatment he might give when he comes in.. She is just not thinking right at this time honey just give her time she is scarred and upset at the fact your dad has a problem and she needs peace ,comfrot and time alone perhaps. You just take care of yourself right now and keep from harm if it does get in bad position for you you,take to someone and tell them and get help please do not live with him under his conditions even though he might be a good dad but when he is drunk they do not think right they have loss of their ability to think when there very drunk.. I hope things do get better for you and your mom tell her I am going keep you two in my prayers.Here is a verse you can keep with you from the bible if you won't.. I KNOW THAT I MAY STILL HAVE TO FACE EMBARRASSMENT FROM MY PARENTS IN THE FUTURE ,BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT IF I RELY ON GOD HE WILL GIVE ME STRENGTH TO ENDURE.. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I have been told that if ONE drink affects adversely effects your behavior, you are an alcoholic. It's not the frequency or the amount - it's the behavior.

Perhaps someone has a source.

And, yes, I DID read your posts - most of your posts, in fact.

Wiether you did or didn't is a very minor thing ;) after all this isn't about us.

Anyway for resources I had several navy sites/pamphlets but do not remember them and see no real reason to look them up as AA's webiste(as posted by another user) will work fine. Some of this certainly open to interpretation. And while I don't always agree with AA's methods, they are actually a very good group and actually not as quick to judge someone an alcoholic as you would think. Which is why I did bring them up. Then again that is just my personal experience with one chapter out of many.

And judy technically speaking one drink adversely effects everyone(reduced coordination from slower synapse response etc so forth), but I take it you mean either that the user can't control his or her liquor(acts way out side of normal pattern? In other words violent, or can't stop drinking or some such?) if so any of those three factors can show an "alcoholic" though generally its actions and amount that more determine alcoholism than frequency. In other words if you drank once a month but when you drank you always got black out drunk(say 12+ drinks) then yes you have a serious problem. Having for instance a glass of wine with an evening meal every night, or a beer when you get off work would have your frequency extremely high, yet depending on who's doing the defining you could still not be considered an alcoholic. In essence(at least the way I understand it) your only an alcoholic when you don't know when to say NO. that is the real main issue or contributing factor if you will.

And once again depending on who you talk to or where you go for the information the definition of an alcoholic will change from site to site, group to group, or person to person. I think its best defined as not being able to say no to another drink(in other words not knowing what's good for you, or in essence disregarding what you know is best)

Also to the posting user. I don't think anyone has said it yet but in some ways count your blessings. There are a lot worse alcoholics out their or things that are worse than them for a dad(considering you haven't stated these things I am assuming he isnt:wife beater, mean drunk, rapist, etc so forth).

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkvision

wiether you did or didnt is a very minor thing ;) after all this isnt about us.

Also to the posting user. I dont think anyone has said it yet but in some ways count your blessings. Their are a lot worse alcoholics out their or things that are worse than them for a dad(considering you havent stated these things i am assuming he isnt:wife beater, mean drunk, rapist, etc so forth).

Wha?

I am very sorry that you have been put in this situation.It kind of puts you in the middle of this mess and you do not deserve that.
My suggestion would be to contact al anon which is a program for family members of alcoholics.It would be beneficial to you and Mom to attend together. Here is a link I hope you will find useful.
Please share your concerns with an adult you trust and respect.

Online Al-Anon Outreach