Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend

Quote:

Originally Posted by isabelle

Kazz I may have missed this in a post but may I ask? How old are you? You sound very young.

I'm 23 years old,he is 28

And what is this 23 year old doing for herself?

Every think

finding myself a job that is full time,keeping busy,finding sum friends and going to try and ave a bit of fun.
and in process of learning to drive,had 6 lessons so far

I am finding it really hard not to contact him,but I keep telling myself that one day every think will b OK,with or without him,one day.

Those of you that ave read all of this I wanted your opinion, its his mum birthday next week,should I text her to say happy birthday and that's it,or should I just leave it.normally I remind him,but I know that I shudn't do that and won't.
Would it be so bad to text his mum and just say happy b'day.does that mean that she will tell him I text and does that count has contact.

If you have never contacted her before, why start now? As you can see you must honestly question your motives for everything you do.

You can't help someone if they truly don't want to help themselves. He needs to get into a rehab and stay there for awhile that is the only way he can get help if he has hit rock bottom. And if he won't go there then you need to cut him out of your life he will only take you no where good luck be strong!

yes I ave always contacted her,and I got tickets for her birthday for a her to go see a live TV show,which she should receive sum day this week.

Thought you all might like an up date,just got a full time job,I've got a bit off closure to,because I've to realise that the person I knew was gone a long time ago,and as much as I want him in my life,I think I will always remember how he hurt me and as much as I don't hold a grudge,I think that will always get in the way, and I think the same for him,no matter how long he is clean for he will still remember how he hurt me and he won't forgive himself for that and that will always get in the way,and as much as I don't want to I no I ave to move on.its going to be a long hard road but one I will ave to take slowly.

Good for you dear!! You are making progress.

Yes, it will be a long road, just take it one day at a time.

There's nothink like having no choice that kind of makes u do things. His name has been banned from my house, sitting there doing nothink was driving me mad.

Hi all, just got in from work, really finding all this hard not work though, I'm in tears, it don't seem to be getting any easier, I ave'nt heard from him,never expected to though. I don't even know if I would want him back any more for doing all this and that hurts the most knowing I ave to let him go 4 eva but don't know how.
How can I ave no contact and still ave a life because today at work his sister came in and even though we are fine with each other, I know she will tell him she saw me,so technically that's contact but there isn't no where else to work I only live in a little county.with two shopping centres.

And I can't move away because I only ave my mum and two brothers, and yeah I'm 23 but I really do need my mum,as much as she might do my head in.

You need to take all those pent up feelings and do something for YOU! Pretend he has moved to a far away country and you won't see him for 10 years. Now, fill in the void with things that make you happy. If you just sit around thinking about him time will drag on, but if you get busy. Do some self improvement, find things/people/activities to fill in your free time... it WILL get easier. You don't need to worry yourself with whether you will take him back or not. Instead, busy yourself with making YOU the very best you can be. The rest will all fall into place.

Yes, you will have hard times, but you will also start to realize that you are having some easy times, too! If you are having a difficult time finding things to make you happy I will tell you what worked for me after my husband died. Buy a digital camera and start taking pictures of things... especially nature. A bird in the tree, the white clouds billowing across the sky, a sunrise or sunset, a flower, the trees in blossoms, whatever you can find. At some point you will realize that you are noticing more and more... AND... instead of seeing everything in sad shades of grey you will find that you are seeing colour again!

Once that starts you will be well on your way.

You have taken a big step in your life and you WILL be a better person for it. Whatever happens with him, you have done something that could well be the best thing that anyone has done for him.

Hugs, Didi

Wanted an opinion on whether throwing myself into work is a good idea or not. I ave full time job,which is six days a week and 9 to 10 hrs a day, it takes my mind of things . Its my first full time job that I ave had for two years.

Doesn't sound like you have to throw yourself into it, but focusing on things that make your life worth it without him, will surely help. New friends is an okay thing to pursue also.

Personally, I think 54 to 60 hours of work a week is MORE than enough! Where's the fun in your life? What do you do when you aren't working or sleeping? That's where you need quality of life!

Love, Didi

well I don't do any think out of work,because yeah I know it sounds stupid but don't ave any friends,and its times like this that make you realise who your friends are and I don't ave any.
however I am working so am meeting new people. Just hopeing I can get him out of my head. I tend to keep myself to myself. The first time I went out for years was when I met him and it was the first time he had been out for years.
its strange because the first moment I saw him I didn't have a clue who he was and wasn't really my type,but for sum reason I really wanted to get to know him better and the rest is histroy.

Work was going OK,bit boring,any way Monday I just broke down and ended up going home and still not at work,feel like I took one step forward and two steps back,yeah I know I should get up dust myself off and start again, but really finding all this really hard to deal with.just don't know what to do any more.

Boring as it sounds you just keep doing what you have been, so dry the eyes and get back to work. Reality is hard on everyone and we still have to keep plugging away at it.

You will have good days and bad days for awhile. You have to pull yourself through the bad days... force yourself to pretend they are good ones. Losing your job or not having money is not the way to deal with things. What if you were married and he died? Believe me, you can't just crawl into a little hole of self pity and die yourself! You get up and out of bed, clean yourself up, get out there to work and it helps to make you feel better. If that doesn't work, then you find other things to do in your life to fill the void when you aren't at work or sleeping. It IS possible. Remember, you are responsible for how you feel. If you just keep plugging away at motivating yourself and surround yourself with things that make you happy you will be happy. You need to work on YOU right now so you don't repeat the mistakes that got you where you are yet again.

You CAN do it. Keep telling yourself that. You are part way there, sweetie. Don't give up now!

Love, Didi

Thanks,really do understnd what you both said,and I know what I got to do. Just finding it hard to do.

Hi, all those that have read my posts already,need some more advice please.
I lost that job, but I do have another one which is loads of fun,and really enjoying it.
My questions is, I was and am so pleased at how I am doing, that I text him, saying "every think is going to be fine, thanku x." that's the axact text. I wasn't expecting a text back having not heard from him for at least a month, think I haven't text him for about three weeks,don't know exact but it was a long time and at least three weeks. Any way he text back saying "good, glad to hear it will all be fine,but take it that text wasn't meant for me,hope your ok,take care x" I text back saying "it was meant for you and that i could'nt explain why i was saying thanku coz it was a bit to long winded to put in a text,hope your ok to,take care to,x"
He hasn't text back to that and I'm fine with that but why did he text in the first place when in the past when I ave accidentally sent him a text he just ignores it, why say hope your OK and take care and with a kiss at the end, he don't give kisses at the end of text normally.if he don't care like he said before.
I'm confussed, I want answers but don't want to hassel him. Sorry this is long!

Don't even know if he is clean or not and yeah I know that's not my problem any more and to keep working on me and stuff, but just really confussed now as to is he or isn't he clean.

Girl, you just need to stop texting him altogether. Just chalk it up as experience and move on with your life.

You will never get any closure to this if you continue down this path.

Lose his number pronto!!

Quote:

I'm confused, I want answers

Kazzy you have just learned a valuable lesson about no contact. Every time you break no contact and talk, text or email the ex his responses will bring more questions than they answer and even more confusion. Everyone here at this forum has found that out and had the same results as you when no contact is broken. Get back on the path to health and you will be just fine. Ignore this good advice at the risk of your own sanity and good mental health. Lose his number, and do not contact him, even if he contacts you.

Thanks,I did delete his numbers but its no good because I good with numbers and now them of by heart. I didn't think about texting him I was just sitting they drawing and then out of the blue I text him. I have no intension of texting him again.

Good for you Kazzz! You just need to forget the numbers now.
Concentrate on YOU, have fun again. Learn what the real Kazzz is and show that to the world.
You are a strong woman, you have shown us that already by doing what you have.
Don't despair.
Don't give up.
Don't doubt your own ability to heal yourself.

You CAN do it!
My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Moomin
:)

You can't live your life for someone else. He and he alone needs to make what choices he wants for his life. You need to make the choice of staying with an addict or moving on with your life. Don't allow him to ruin your life. Do what you need to, to be able to move on.

Good luck with this, I am going through the same thing, except I have a child with my first love. He would rather do crack cocaine than to be with me, when he doesn't have the drug he wants me, when someone comes around with it or he has money then he "needs his space" He can go 2-3 months at a time without doing it but he always relapses. Cocaine is a strong addiction and I will tell you, if you have given this guy chances to change already, chances are he is not going to change, and it will be a vicious cycle with him for the rest of your life, take my advice from someone who is going through it, LEAVE HIM ALONE and Definitely DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!! If you don't leave him alone you will look back and ask yourself why you stayed with him, after he runs off with your bill money, steals from you and lies to you everyday for this drug. TRUST ME

You can't fix other people, but I understand you not wanting to abandon him. You should call Narcotics Anonymous and ask them for advice, they should tell you also where there is a meeting for you also, they are called Alanon. It's a good place to start.

Update: he sent me a text saying he can't take it any more,needs to put an end to for good,he can't keep screwing up.
So of course I rushed round there, he hanged himself,I'm absoulty deverstated,I found him just hanging there,I couldn't cut him down,he is dead, what do I do know.please god help me.

OMG, are you all right? Know it is not your fault... get some help with this, know you are in my prayers

What a horrible thing to go through, I am so sorry. Please don't bear any guilt for his choices, and get help going through, this as I know his family is devastated also. My condolenses and prayers are with you.

Isn't really hit me yet, never lost any one before.scared

I just read the last post. Kazz, I am so so sorry. Surround yourself with loved ones sweetheart. My prayers are with you and with his family. Take care of yourself

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzz

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.

You have to walk away because he won't change until he hits rock bottom and that can be years from now. I dated a guy for 3 years and realized that last year that he had done coke the entire time. That was 5 years ago and he is still doing coke. I am happy I found the strength to leave him.

I had a friend that committed suicide with a gun 15 yrs ago and a cousin that hung himself last year. You must remember that they were very ill people. Both of them had abused drugs. Do not feel guilty because it will only harm you. Just remember him for the good in him and what good things that he brought into your life. May peace be with you.

Hey my fiancé is well was addicted to coke and ectasy he would go to the pub and not be able to go without ectasy or he would sit in with his mates and snort coke. He is my first love 2. but he got himself into so much dept he started dealing them at clubs and pubs he is now in prison if you read my questionns.with me onli been sixteen people keep telling me to move on but I love him with all my heart. I think you should try and get him to get help and get him off the coke because before you now it he will be dealing and my fiancé did it to feed his habbit and could be looking at four years.