Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend

I can't see any "what ifs"in this situation. If you feel you have to learn from your own mistakes, why are you asking for advice?
I think you know why. You know this is self destructive and all the sympathy you get from any source will never turn your situation around. It will only hurt you more. As for once being a self harmer, I see this as a good way to get back into that behavior. No one wants that to happen to you. Your cry for help has been heard and I commend you for that.
Everyone has tried to help you. You are on page 4 of people giving you very good advice, but you are right... in the end you have to live with your own decisions.
I hope that you soon see the hopelessness of trying to change anyone before they are ready to change. That alone will help you get thought many of life situations.

U ave miss understood,I was not a self harmer and would never do that,I've got a lot of good what ifs and bad what ifs.
What if he does get clean and every think is OK.
What if he don't.
What if I do move on.
What if I don't.
What if this and that, and I think only time will tell,I might be wrong I might be right but I will never know until I try.

Kazzz, there is nothing for you to do, but get a happy life for yourself. Even he as sick as he is has told you that.

Kazzz,

Hun, please read this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzz

i was with a self harmer b4,i never loved him,thought i did at time but realised that i was in unhealthy relationship so i got out of it.

Do you understand that this man is a self-harmer too? The only difference is that his scars are internal. They are not visible.

Whether he snorts, smokes, or shoots his coke, he is self-harming. He is also self-medicating. He has problems that he is hiding from by using coke.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzz

he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but i do hope so.

I hope he does not take the tablets while using his coke. It is a very dangerous combination. One that could permanemtly mess his mind up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzz

i can't ave a life full of wot ifs.

This is exactly the life you are living by staying with him.

What if he gets high enough he overdoses and dies.

What if he starts stealing to get the money to afford his habit.

What if he kills someone in a drug induced psychosis (Don't tell me it doesn't happen, I just spent the day in a state mental hospital (forensic unit) with men who raped and murdered in a psychosis induced by cocaine).

What if he starts shooting up, if he isn't already and gets AIDS and gives it to you.

I have a lot of other "what ifs" but the list is to long.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzz

wot if he does get clean and every think is ok.

Everything will never be okay, never again. He is an addict and will always be an addict. Sure he may get clean and be sober. But sobriety after addiction brings on a whole other set of problems. He will ALWAYS crave the drug. That craving will remain with him the rest of his life.

By staying with him you are enabling him. You are letting him know that it is okay that he hurt himself, and you for that matter.

Sometimes the only way an addict gets clean is to lose everything and everyone they have.

If you really want to help him, you must leave him. This will not only help get him on the path to sobriety, but will help you begin to heal too.

You don't see how his addiction is hurting you, but it is clear to us.

It is clear that you have a very low self-esteem otherwise you would know that you deserve better. You need to get yourself help, seek some counseling even if it is just Narc Anon. You need to learn that he is hurting you and that you are better than this.

Kazz, I am sorry, I did misread your posts.

The thing is.. you are a self harmer by staying with this man.
I agree with J_9.. this man will never be OK and you harm yourself and him by enabling him.

You have got to get out and seek a new life. I know that can sound scary but it can also feel very good to depend on yourself
.
There are a lot of self help groups and some very good counselors out there. Why not try one of them. You may see every thing in a different light. It can't hurt and it may help.
The path you are on now can only lead to pain.

I'm not with him and haven't had contact with him for over a week now,its really hard,but doing it,
Went shopping today bumped into his mum and then hrs later bumped into his bro and his girlfriend and there new baby and I wanted to use that as an excuse to text him but I'm not going to now matter how much I want to.
And his bro is the spitting image of him just younger.
And got job interview Monday and it's a six day a week job so hopefully I will get it and that will keep me busy.

Yeah he knows exactly what he is doing and knows I deserve beta.and it probably is my insecurities and lack of self asteam that is making me go round in circles.
It hurts with or without him.it doesn't help that it was all out of the blue. One day we are talking about moving house and avein fresh start and the very next day he goes think we should go our separate ways and then makes up excuse to blame me for every think.then he said its not my fault and knows it is his.

Honey, he's tearing you apart emotionally. And that's not right. I can feel the pain in your words. You don't need this type of emotional abuse in your life. You need to move on. I know it's going to be extremely hard, but it's for the best. You need to think about yourself in this situation. You've tried to help over and over again, but it doesn't seem to be getting through his head. Live YOUR life. Not the life of trying to make sure He's OK. He will realize sooner or later where he messed up. It may take days, months, maybe even years. And you don't need to be tearing yourself apart for that long. You CAN do better. You seem like a great gal. It's only a matter of time before you find another man who will treat you right and not care so much about the drugs. You just got to give him some space, pray for him, and stay strong.

that's my plan.get a job get sum friends and get a life without him and hope that it will all b OK in the end.with or without him.

Its silly things that are getting to me like going out and seeing other people happy.
And I was so looking forward to summer so we could take his two sons out to theme parks and stuff like we did last year.and get out the pool and stuff and thinking I will never ave that with him and the boys again is the hardest part.

You're on the right track babydoll. He has two sons as well?

Yeah two sons,they don't live with him but we had them every other weekend.he is a good dad.
Apparently they kept asking where I was and he told them I was staying with my mum for a bit.
And they asked if I was going to be there when there dad moved to the new place.there dad just said I don't know boys.

That's good. Do you have a close relationship with the boys?

Sweetie, a coke addict is not a good dad. Do you see where his addiction is taking him? Maybe he used to be a good dad until the addiction caught hold of him. But now he is only a shell of the man he used to be.

want to hear sum think funny,they are both 8,and no there not twins.

I agree with J_9

A coke addict is not a good father. If he's treating YOU this way he may be treating them the same way.

Yes had very close relationship with them.one of them has disabilities and I used to do every think for him. The other one was very much a daddy's boy.I was the only girlfriend that ever lived with there dad.
I agree that he can't be a good dad while he is doing the coke,but that's what I don't get,he will make sure the boys money is there and that they don't go with out,and he won't do coke while he has got them,

Two different mothers?

He will ave a beer but won't do coke.obviously I don't no wots going on at mo,or if he is even avein the boys,however I ave come to realise that I was the only thing he had and now he don't I hope he has hit rock bottom and doing something about it.
Yeah he might see and talk to his family but they ave always gone to him with they problems and leave him to sort out his own.

Yeah to different mothers

One was a relationship,then he had break up and had drunken thumble and has now got two wonderful sons.

Okay, 2 different mothers. Kazzz, dear, this is another red flag. Apparently he was cheating. Would you want to be a single mother of his 3rd child? No, probably not.

I'm not that stupid,plus I can't ave kids,so no worries there.

If u all get sick of me on ere just say.my mum has had enough of me going on about it and looking for meanings in every think.theres no room in this house me to b depressed

I'm thankful 4 all the advice given,really I am,and I no wots got to be done,I just don't know how.
I think I need to hear from sumone that has been on coke and got off it and got there life back.

Anyone got a time machine I could borrow

Kazzz, you don't know it, but you may already be talking to people who are sober and clean addicts.

You may not be aware that some of the advice being given to you may be given by former addicts.

You say you know what has to be done, but don't know how. Get a counselor, someone who knows how to help you face to face, go to Narc Anon (which has alredy been suggested quite a few times)

I feel stupid going to sum where like that.and knowing my luck he would probably be there.

OK,so any former addicts here, did u regret everythink u did when using and did u ever say sorry to those u hurt.

You may or may not get an answer to that question Kazzz, there are some people who may not want others to know their pasts because the past is behind them. They may choose to live for the future, but not the past.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazzz

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.

Hey.. if he love you he will come back... but remember he needs to love himself first... he also needs love and support.. you can tell him to choose coke or you... I know how hard it is to loose the love of your life... tell him... but if he does not take control now you are going to loose... 1 way or another... by him being out of your life or he will be 6 feet under and out of your life. And that is something you do not need to be around ether... if he gets busted you are going to go down with him and it will be with you for the rest of your life... and if he needs the drugs bad enough he will do dumb things that can also hurt you... just always remember that there is other fish in the sea and you can still fish if you need to...

Thanks,I ave told him and I know I ave hurt him with the things I ave said but he deserved them and it made me feel beta.funny thing is, is that I'm OK with not being with him because I lost myself with him and ave got the opportunity to sort out my own life. I just want him to be happy to.

J-9 I under stand that but,none of this was my fault so surely if he does love me and gets clean I can be the future,if that makes sense.

Honey you are young and if he loves you he need to clean himself up... and he can not love anyone until he loves himself first!! Don't keep your mind on him... look for someone else... ask your parent's how they feel about what he is doing... if you have not gotten your stuff from him just remember that it CAN all be replaced.

The things he has got can't be replaced,my mum feels that he will sort himself out,and hold his hands up and say sorry.
I never looked to meet him when I did.I ave never looked to meet sumone because I think about things to deeply,and great believer in destiny and fait and stuff.
And believe that I will meet the right person at the right time etc. and thought I had met the one

Can't sleep so thought I would give a quick message.
Bet your all bored of giving me the same advice

does it really get easier with time to forget about sum one.

Hun, time is the healer of all wounds. Yes, there may be scars left behind, but the wounds are healed. It does get better with time. Believe me.

Thanks, I really hope your right.

Kazz I may have missed this in a post but may I ask? How old are you? You sound very young.