[Lucky098]

Well he gave me a card with it. It was for Valentine's day. The card read "I love you and hope we have many more Valentine's days together ". Is that corny? LOL the ring was tied to a single red rose.

[Lucky098]

I'm having a lot of strange thoughts in my head as of late... actually, the past couple of days. And I've been debating on asking on here... Everything I post gets merged together and my new post gets lost :(

Its about my boyfriend and I. I think for the most part we have a wonderful relationship. Very open with one another, carring, supportive and loving.

My problem is the brother. Honestly, this issue has never been an issue before. His brother had a girlfriend or some type of love interest. As of late, his brother has been single. He wants to do a lot of things with my boyfriend, which is fine, I don't oppose. I don't stand in the way, I don't object, I support my boyfriend with the crazy schemes he and his brother are thinking up.

But it just seems like (as of late) my boyfriend goes on "dates" more with his brother than he does with me. Those two go out to dinner, constantly work on cars together, working on getting a house together to flip and sell, work out together.. etc.

I'm an only child, but I'm not naïve. I know there is brotherly love ad a bond between sibblings that cannot be broken. But this is almost kind of weird.

The other day, my boyfriend made me so mad.. I'm still pretty hot about this. I got off work early, twice in a row! Woo Hoo! I wanted to spend my 2 hour early dismissel from work with my boyfriend and actually do stuff with him. The first day was fine, but he wanted to work out. He bought me dinner, we got a movie for later and hung out for about an hour. He went on his 30 min bike ride with his brother, came back and complained he was tired. We watched the movie. Had a good evening. The next day, I got off work early again, called him up and he said he was tired and was planning on going to bed early and wanted to work out.

At that point, it dawned on me. We never do anything anymore. He use to call me up and ask me to come over. We'd go on walks, take the dogs to the lake, take off up to the big city. Now we do nothing. He hangs out with his brother. I see him about an hr before bed time. I brought problem up with him and he claims its not true. He justifies us hanging out an hour before bed time as us spending time with each other. He spends all his time with his brother. All he can talk about is his brother. I'm so tired of it! And its not like this was how it was when I first met my boyfriend. The two boys still had common intresests, but they did their own thing. Now its like my boyfriend needs permission to make plans with me.

Another thing that bothers me, and I haven't really said anything yet.. Is I'm suppose to go to all these parties for his sister, yet his sister hasn't once asked if I was coming. Or invited me. Or made sure I had the time off or whatever. At this point, I don't want to go to her baby shower.I don't really want to go to her graduation party. Why am I undeserving of an invite? Or at least a confirmation on her end that I'm going. And its not like I never see this girl. I've HUNG OUT WITH HER several times. She barely talks to me. She's pregnant, her husband drags her to the bar with all of us (I don't know if she's willing or not), she looks bored as hell.. am I suppose to entertain the pregnant sober girl? Am I out of line? Ive tried to talk to her in the past. For her bachelorette party, I even paid for her cover charge for a club. Not even a thank you. Not to mention, the entire group took off to a different club and didn't even tell me. I couldn't find them anywhere. Finally one girl came back to find me. That pissed me off to no end. And I went home. I was suppose to stay at her house, but I went home.

I need some insite.

As far as my boyfriend and I go, I'm just not going to go see him when I get off work. If I'm important enough to him, he'll start to want to do more things with me on the weekends when we both have all the time in the world. I'm being very stand-offish right now. We couldn't talk yesterday due to the cell phone services in our state being down, but he mentioned he wanted to meet up for lunch. Today, he cannot meet up for lunch. He's going to a baseball game tonight with his brother.. Its raining like nuts in Denver... Hope they have fun :)

[Just Dahlia]

Well I don't think I can help you, but I'll give you my opinion.

First off, who knows what's wrong with your boyfriend
Maybe his brother is having some troubles and he's trying to help
Maybe he's reliving a second childhood.
Maybe said brother never paid any attention to him before and he's taking what he can get while the brother doesn't have a girlfriend.

Leave him be for awhile and do stuff for yourself.
Mens minds are funny little things.:):rolleyes:

Sister... Screw it! No invitation, no go and no gift. At this point after what you mentioned, I wouldn't go even if I got an invitation.

[Lucky098]

Yea, I don't think I'm going to go to her party. Even though her mom invited me, that's just not the same. She should have invited me.

As for my boyfriend. I honesetly don't know what's up with him. But I think I'm just going to back off quite a bit. I'm not going to go see him when I get off work or spend the night anymore. I'm not happy with that being our relationship. I like to go out too :)

Thanks for your insite. Its very much appreciated. Sometimes... I feel like what I'm thinking in my head isn't right. Or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion. *sigh* I'm just so mad at him right now lol

[thadevilsadvocate]

Well you are in a tough situation if he doesn't see the problem. Therefore, you need to figure out what you want to do. If you aren't happy with the situation and he is content and not seeing a problem with it, then you are going to have to look out for yourself here.

It isn't fair that he is devoting all of his free time to his brother, but perhaps he is just bored with the routine of the relationship. Saying that he is tired and cancelling on plans can be sign of that. It doesn't make it anymore fair to you, but he doesn't recognize that.

So, you can start occupying your time with things that you want/like to do, and that way you won't be so affected by this. I know it's hard to think about that, and the worst feeling is if you make plans and then he wants to spend time with you, but you have to get past that. Of course you want to spend your early days off and such with him, but since he is not as concerned about it as you are, then you need to look out for yourself. It will be his loss in the end. Perhaps after a little while of cancelling out on you and going through this funk he is in, if it's just a funk, then things will come back together.

If this bothers you so much, that you don't feel like giving it more time, then you have a decision to make and need to look out for yourself. Keep in mind though, that he is spending time with his brother... this is much better than him spending time with other girls or something.


Do you have a fair amount of friends that you can hang out with?



As for the sister, screw her. She sound self centered, and you don't owe her anything.

[Lucky098]

Its almost a case of fighting fire with fire..

I think I'm just going to disppear for awhile. He can come to me.

I'm going out with some friends tonight. He had plans for tonight. His plans were cancelled due to weather. I told him I had plans tonight, yet he still asked if we could do something. I told him I thought he was busy tonight. He said that those got moved to tomorrow night with some friends his and his brothers. Not even an invite :)

I do need to look out for myself. And I think I'm going to. Even when times are good. Right now I'm mad and am playing things through my mind. But I'm just going to disappear. I'll be available through the phone and text, but that's going to be it. Maybe he'll figure something out.

I don't mind him spending time with his brother. But its all the time. When I go over to their house, or we go to the bar. He has to come with. Or we have to hang out with him. I've told my boyfriend 100 times that I'm dating YOU, not your brother. But he doesn't get it.

Will disappearing for awhile help? Make him think?

I feel lost, sad and extremely pissed off. Ugh!

And.. if he's bored of the routine, that's completely on him! I'm always ready to do something. Always ready to laugh and have a good time. But the only time he wants to go out is if his brother is there to babysit us.

[Devorameira]

I think it's a good idea for you to just go about doing your own thing with your friends, much like he's doing with his brother. Let him sit around bored when you're out with the friends and maybe he'll begin to see the light.

If he doesn't realize shortly that he's not giving you any time, I'd just move on. Life's too short to spend it by yourself!

As for the sister, it sounds like she's just about as rude as her brother. I wouldn't go to the party either.

[Homegirl 50]

Girl do your own thing, he's doing his.
Sometime we women make ourselves too available to the point the guys take us for granted. So stop thinking him and start thinking you, then what will be will be.

As for the sister, the girl sounds rude, in fact, they all sound rude. Don't let it ruin your day.

[thadevilsadvocate]

It's not about you disappearing, that not really what you want to do... just do you. He is only really concerned about himself and doing what he wants to do. Don't make yourself so available. You mentioned the two instances in which you wanted to spend the time with him when you got off work early... how much time do you spend with your friends? Basically, what I'm asking, is do you primarily set most of your free time to spend with your boyfriend? Or, do you often spend time with your friends, in which you are not with your boyfriend?

[Lucky098]

It's not about you disappearing, that not really what you want to do....just do you. He is only really concerned about himself and doing what he wants to do. Don't make yourself so available. You mentioned the two instances in which you wanted to spend the time with him when you got off work early.....how much time do you spend with your friends? Basically, what I'm asking, is do you primarily set most of your free time to spend with your boyfriend? Or, do you often spend time with your friends, in which you are not with your boyfriend?

I do have a lot of friends, but well over half of them have kids. I work stupid hours and seeing him is difficult. I go out with my friends when invited. I'll invite them out occasionally, but everyone has kids and sometimes its hard for them to find baby sitters and what not. One of my going out buddies is pregnant and disppeared from everyone. Another one moved about an hour away. A good friend of mine is in a very toxic relationship and can never leave his side. Another one of my good friends is always with another person who I wish to not associate myself with. She's being very wild and irrisponsible (in my mind) and, like I said, I don't wish to associate myself with my friend and that other person. My boyfriend has always been my back up plan when my original plans were broken. I think he's gotten use to that. Yet he'll barely ever invite me to his friends' house. Or even ask them if I can come.

I am in a difficult situation. I really do need to sit down and talk to him, but I'm not sure what to say without sounding like a selfish jerk. Which, I hope I'm not being.

But I'm am going to do my own thing. I have to! This is just stupid. Its almost like he's comfortable. He's OK with where we are right now. He's OK with seeing me for a few hours a week. We hardly ever do anything on weekends. He's always busy.

That's another thing... Never will he cancel his plans to be with me. Never. I just feel like I should be a little bit more of a priority then his friends that he just met about a year ago. I feel like maybe, just ONCE, he could tell someone no, that he wants to be with me tonight. But its never that. He wanted to see me tonight because HIS PLANS were cancelled... JERK!

[Homegirl 50]

That would piss me off too.
Sounds a bit selfish.
Is he always with his brother. What I mean is, he not seeing someone else is he?

[Alty]

That's another thing... Never will he cancel his plans to be with me. Never. I just feel like I should be a little bit more of a priority then his friends that he just met about a year ago. I feel like maybe, just ONCE, he could tell someone no, that he wants to be with me tonight. But its never that. He wanted to see me tonight because HIS PLANS were cancelled... JERK!

Don't you dare cancel your plans to see him. Go out with your friends, have a blast, don't even invite him along. It's time for you to stand your ground, make him realize that you deserve to be a priority in his life, not an option that he can call whenever he's bored or his plans are cancelled.

Go out tonight and live it up.

You do need to talk to him, but let yourself calm down a bit first. It's best to write down what you want to say so you don't get side tracked with anger. Calm communication, tell him how you feel, maybe even let him read this thread, it says it all. :)

Most of all, look out for yourself. You're number one, don't you forget it. You deserve to be with someone that makes you number one too.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Well, perhaps you really need to evaluate whether you want to be in the relationship. Not to sound drastic, but if he is comfortable only seeing you a few hours a week, and that is not sufficient for you, then perhaps the two of you aren't a good match for each other. Each person has different things that are important to them. For some people, spending time with friends is most important, for some its family, for some its spending the majority of the time doing whatever their hobby it is, and for some people (which seems to be you) it's their significant other, and some people like a mix of everything.

It sounds like his priorities, interests, and needs are different than his... considering this, it doesn't appear as though he is willing to change very much, and you can't really do anything to change him. In all honesty, would you really want someone only spending more time with you because you made them or had to talk them in to it? A person should want to compromise and continue to meet in the middle in order to get through the relationship together.

Think of it as though you are both on the same team, and you are going to work together to get through this world as one. You each have to compromise and sometimes sacrifice in order to accomplish this goal, otherwise, it becomes tougher and tougher each day, and gradually, your team will fall apart.

So you need to consider how happy you really are and how content you really are. Perhaps its just that you are two different people, heading on two different paths, in opposite directions.

[Lucky098]

That's the thing! I am happy with him. Right now just plain sucks! Its like he forgets about me. This popped up literally (give or take) 2 months ago when he and his brother decided to get their own house a flip it. That's where all this weirdness started. He's always been strangly close to his brother, but this time is way worse.

Maybe I should be thinking that this could very well end our relationship. But I'm always so optimistic and think that this can be worked through. I know he loves me. He's honest with me. He trusts me and I trust him to. I don't think he's seeing anyone else. He literally is always with his brother. Or at his parents house.

and for some people (which seems to be you) it's their significant other

Is that a bad quality to have? Sometimes I feel like it is. And I don't know where I got that from. My mom isn't clingy at all with my dad. She lets him do whatever he wants with no complaints.

And, I didn't cancel my plans with my friends tonight. He text me right when I left asking if I was sure I didn't want to do anything with him tonight. I kind of snapped at him and told him to go hang out with his brother. I told him I made plans. He seemed to except it, but was going to do the text thing all night long. I turned the sound off my phone. Enjoyed my evening with all my friends, watched a funny movie (The Backup Plan) and came home.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to break the news that I'm not attending his sisters baby shower. I should not have to be invited by their mom. She should have invited me or at least made some type of mention that I should come. Screw her.

I'm just so in love with him.. This hurts so bad that he choses others over me :( Every time I hear that song OMG by Usher, I think of him, and I smile. Even right now! I smile.

Everything is just to complicated...

[thadevilsadvocate]

It's good to be optimistic... but it's also good to be realistic. You say that you are happy with him, but it hurts that he chooses others over you and that the last couple of months have sucked because of this. If your boyfriend is choosing to spend his time with other people than you, and you aren't pleased with that... what are you happy with then?

As most of the others have said, he should want to spend time with you, and you shouldn't be pushed to the back. It is not a bad quality for you to want to spend time with him. That is who you are, and that is what makes you happy... in order to fulfill that need, you need someone that also wants to spend time with you. It is up to you to determine if he is that person.

[talaniman]

Wow, I am glad your finally growing, and standing up for yourself, instead of just going along with the program. I can tell because not only have I read this post, but the others as well.

I think your real issue is you can't grasp that he has others in his life, as well as you, but the issue is one of communication, and not really about them at all.

By standing for yourself you not only communicate your feelings, but your boundaries, and expectations, as well. It may be awkward, but its so crucial to be willing to convey your feelings in an honest manner to your partner and even be willing to draw some lines of good behavior, or bad, that have been crossed.

At least it will give him something to think about, as he makes his own decisions how to deal with you.

Now may I please merged your posts together, yet again so the story is in the same place? :):D:)!

[Lucky098]

Well I would like to thank everyone who helped me out. Its nice to know that I'm not the only person in this world sometimes :) Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement.

I'm just going to stick to my guns and pull back for awhile. Make him miss me. Make him appreciate me. (And by make, I don't mean force.)

I think for the most part we are a good couple. We do have a lot of love that we give each other constantly. He does make me happy. When he's not consumed by his brother, he's a wonderful guy.. a great friend and I love him so much. The other night, he and I went to the drive in theater. It was so enjoyable. After that, we went back home and made homemade martinis.. they were absolutely aweful! Lol But it was so much fun just wasting the night away with him.. Talking, watching TV.. hanging out. Its just anytime he gets involved with his brothers plans, I lose him. I do need to voice my opinion and he needs to communicate with me more. If he happens to be stressed, he needs to tell me. I'm understanding, or at least I think I am.

But for right now, I'm just going to stay away and do my own thing. Do what makes me happy :) I guess that just because we're having a rough patch right now doesn't mean all is gone. What makes a good relationship good is recognizing each others flaws, weaknesses and strength and embrassing it and accepting each other for who they are.

But.. again... thank you everyone for giving me some help! I appreciate it a lot.

[Jake2008]

The tit for tat method usually doesn't have very good long-lasting results, because it is only a temporary fix to a fundamental problem.

You have made this about him and his brother, and then his sister and family, and how you are generally regarded by his family.

The whole thing adds up to who's needs are being met, and by making him miss you by going out with your friends and having a good time, isn't going to erase or solve the problem, because you will most likely have him on your mind the entire time. Then when you get home, you will analyze his reaction. It only adds to the problem.

You need to talk to him! Book an appointment if you have to, get out of the house together and go to a quiet place, and talk.

The relationship is about balance, needs and wants of both parties in a relationship have to involve give and take, consideration, trust, and above all, communication.

With that in mind, tell him more about how you feel being left out, instead of providing examples of same, such as last week you spent 26 hours with your brother and 2 with me. That only fosters resentment, and he will feel like you are coming between him and his brother.

Talk about compromise, and not being taken for granted. Respect goes both ways, so try to avoid talking disrespectfully of his family members. This is between you and him, and it isn't about baby showers, working out, and fixing cars.

You need to start making some expectations known, about what you expect from him, and he needs to see that your needs are not being met. That will only be accomplished if you talk it out and agree to changes.

If you are planning on staying with this man, I wouldn't be too quick to cut his family out of your life, and jump to any conclusions about their ways, or interpret their actions as mean and hurtful. They may not formally invite you to events, but if they are going to be in your life for a long time ahead, accept that which is obvious (naturally they'd want you to attend the baby shower), take the high road here, and go and enjoy yourself, even if only for an hour.

Making wedges between family members will not make your relationship with your partner any easier, it will only get backs up, and make you more misterable.

Communication is the key. If you can see that your partner is willing and able to understand how unbalanced the relationship is, and is willing to make concrete changes, everything else will be that much easier to accept. (ie his family).

Get talking, he may just surprise you with simple ignorance, and be very willing to change.

[sully123]

I would give him a taste of his own medicine, and do my own thing. You make plans and when he calls, you are busy with your friends. THen see how that goes. If there is no change in the relationship, and he is not able to see what he is doing by spending all his free time with his brother, then you have your answer. As far as the sister, forget her.

[Lucky098]

I did give him a taste of his own medicie. And he didn't like it. He wanted to hang out yesterday, and I told him I had plans. He wanted to hang out Friday night, I told him I had plans. Saturday night, I didn't have any plans, he did. He told me he did. In the past, his plans have always been concrete with his friends, so I didn't ask him if he wanted to do anything. He mentioned that I should have, and that we could have done something. I asked why I always have to initiate everything, he never answered back.

Last night, we were texting back and forth. I told him I was upset and that I feel like I'm always being left out of the picture. That he's always making plans with his friends or brother and never including me, or even attempting to include me. He continues to say that we always spend time together... But our time spent together is always right before HE goes to bed. Rarely do we go out. But I told him I was upset and I told him my feelings are completely crushed and that I feel unimportant to him.

His last text of the night said "Goodnight I really do love you. Sorry for the hurt I caused I will try and do better."

I didn't write back. I want to forgive him, but I'm not ready to yet. He needs to do something for me first. Maybe that sounds childish, but I just feel like he needs to "wow" me I guess. Its not that I don't believe him, I just want his actions to back up his words I guess...

As for his sister... I'm not sure what to do. Jake2008 makes perfect sense to me.. Jake2008's entire post make sense to me actually. If I go to the party, I'll more than likely sit there by myself with very few people talking to me.. Just like at her bridal shower and at her bachelorette party. And I do try and talk to people and be apart of the group, but I didn't grow up with any of those people and I could really give a $h!T less about this baby to be. (sorry, just don't get excited about babies!).

I guess, if I read right, I didn't get a personalized invite because I'm expected to be there, possibly because they're accepting me into their family. But my b/fs sister doesn't even talk to me. Or attempt to talk to me. Just doesn't feel right to me. We don't need to be best friends.. or even friends period, but she could say something to me.

For once, someone can intiate contact with me. Because as of right now. I'm done... And starting Monday, I'm going to the gym after work instead of my b/fs house. If he's awake and willing, I may go see him AFTER the gym.

And once again, Jake2008.. You make perfect sense to me. Everything you said is right. But for now, I think I'm going to take it slow with my boyfriend. Keep my distance from him because I'm just so very upset with him. I'm going to join the gym and do "Me" for awhile. Maybe that will get me where I want to be... Who knows. But I'm just going to wait for him to intiate something. And while I wait, I promise you I won't be sitting on the couch, by my phone, eating bon-bons pining for him. I'll do my own thing. Keep my days busy.