[Lucky098]

Threads merged again

I'm feeling really whiney right now.. and I don't know, maybe I just want someone to tell me what to do. But.. I don't know.

Recently, I've been thinking to myself that I'm never going to get married. That type of future just seems like its never going to happen. Its not that I want to "hurry up and grow up" but I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years should move forward. We don't live together. He lives with his brother and two other roommates. His brother hasn't been in a relationship since I first met the two boys, and that's almost 3.5 years ago. My boyfriend and I discuss "When we get married" type things, but that's it. No promise ring, nothing.. I feel like he's afraid of commitment. And lately,if I ask him to do something for me or tag along, there is always some type of excuse. For example, Today... I have to go Denver tonight. I asked if he wanted to come with... He said he can't because he needs to go to Sam's Club tonight with his mom... what the hell?? So then he asks if I want to hang out with him before I have to drive 2 hours to and from Denver by myself.. I said no. He's been saying statements too me lately, things like, "I have my own life to live"... I think that's completely uncalled for. In my mind, you don't say things like that to people who you love... Perhaps that's just me.

In about a week and a half, my friend and I.. Along with his brother and two of their friends ( who are married with kids) are going to Las Vegas. My boyfriend is going to celebrate his birthday.. I had to ask if I could go. He didn't really invite me. He didn't say anything along the lines of "I'd like you to come". He paid for my ticket... I begged my work to give me the time off... And now, the other night, I found out that they're heading to a Strip club. Strip clubs just aren't my thing. I told him that. I told him I'm not going to a Strip club. When this whole vegas trip was planned I had no idea a Strip club was going to be included... I was prepared for the Vegas strip clubs and the casinos and probably a lot of drinking.. but not a strip club. I just don't want to go. So I told him he could go.. have a great time. But without me. Currently, I'm trying to find tickets to The Blue Man group... I told him I found some tickets.. He asked when I was planning on going... I told him when he goes to the strip club. He came back and said he wants me to go... I'm still standing my ground...

But... Should I go to a Strip Club? This vegas trip is for my boyfriends birthday... I don't want to revolve this trip around what I want to do... But I also don't think that going to a strip club is appropriate either... Especially if the person you claim to love doesn't feel comfortable. I'd never make him do something he wouldn't want to do.

I feel so... pissed... And hurt... ugh... :(

[talaniman]

Enjoy the Blue Man group, let him enjoy his guy friends.

Do you think its time to re evaluate this relationship, and find out where its going? Besides in circles?

You sound miserable.

[Cyberstar]

From the sound of it (not inviting you to his birthday celebration and the way he talks to you), he's been working hard at putting distance between you two.

There seem to be a few issues going on here.

First, it sounds like your boyfriend is reluctant to commit to marriage. If there are clear signs that both of you are ready for marriage, ask him directly to give you reasons he is unwilling to commit. If there are sound reasons like financial instability, then cut him some slack. If the nature of the marriage discussions have always been realistic and solid, and you are both able and willing to enter into one, don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend directly that marriage is what you want and get the ball rolling - put forth a timeline that you want to be engaged by. The reaction he gives will reveal what his plans and intentions really are and give you the answer you need. It may sound like a harsh ultimatum, but you do not want to be led on forever.

Second, he seems to lack respect for you. You're right, it's his birthday, but if strip clubs make you feel uncomfortable, and he clearly knows this, he should be making an effort to respect your feelings. There are other ways to have fun in Vegas.

[whatislove]

Birthday>your love one? Don't think so.

[Kitkat22]

Stick to your decision. When you return from Vegas sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Ask him where your relationship is going and tell him how you feel. Then ask him to be truthful about his feelings. Good luck

[amicon]

Time for a serious talk about the future of this relationship.

It seems you are stuck in a rut and not moving forward in a healthy manner.

If you are not on the same page,maybe its time to let this go.

[Lucky098]

I thank everyone for the input... He and I have talked a lot about what I have wrote on here... I'm keeping my distance form him right now and not really talking. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him.. He takes fault for what he has said to me. I told him he needs to watch what comes out of his mouth... Sometimes I think he is so into himself and his brother and what his brother wants to do, that he puts me on the sideline. I think a lot of our issues stem from his brother. He can't ever tell his brother no, but I get told all the time. My friend called this "peter pan" syndrome (? ).

And I was miserable in this post! My boyfriend has something wonderful planned for Valentine's Day. Usually,I have to plan it. So I'm kind of excited.

As for the marriage thing.. We talk about it. He'll say certain things like, "If we ever get married, promise me you'll keep our house clean" after he helped his dad clean out houses. I can see myself with him... And he can see himself with me. I think he needs to break the umbilical cord to be honest.

Maybe... I just want someone to agree with me that he's a prick sometimes...

But... Thanks to all who answered... :)

[talaniman]

All guys are pricks sometimes so I can agree.

[Aurora_Bell]

You sometimes boys kind of suck...
Lucky I may be way off base here, but when my I was dating this guy (of 3 years) we used to have a really active social life, we would go to bars, party's, shows, etc. Well usually on Thursday nights he would go to a strip club with the boys. He asked me a few times if I would want to go, I always said no, he stopped asking. I was kindof jelous, I didn't understand why he even wanted to go to a place like that, but he did...
One Thirsday a friend of mine were actually at a pub/restaurant down the street from his stomping grounds, we decided to take a peek inside and see what those boys were up to. Well much to my amazement, my bf's back was tunred to the strippers and he was drinking and laughing and carrying on with... THE BOYS!
He was so happy to see me there, he bought me and my friend drinks pretty much all night!
When Thursdays would come I would go with him and we would have a BLAST! It was also amateur night, so there was no telling what these girls were going to pull out, and of where ;)
Anyway, it didn't end up being that bad, and most of the time the guys in the bar weren't even paying attention to the strippers, they were doing what any normal person would do at a regualr bar!
Anyway, so is the blue man group going to be in Vegas while you guys are there? Are you going with mutual friends? Couldn't you hang out with your other friends while your boyfriend goes to the strip club?

[Lucky098]

If I am wrong, please tell me... I truly miss one of my friends who moved away... We use to talk about our relationships and help each other through times where we thought the guys who are in our lives are being morons.

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 going on 4 years... He and I are both planning a trip to Miami, Fl. In the late summer. I found out two days ago he is going on a trip to Jamaica with his family in June.

Last year, I told him I wanted to go to an Island for our next trip. He convinced me it would be too expensive and that we should save for a trip like that and go possibly in 2 years.

Now he is going to Jamaica with his family in June. I feel so upset! I wanted to go to an Island... I wanted to experience that with him first.

I always feel like I'm second to him when it comes to his family. I feel like because of his family, mostly his brother, he and I are never going to move forward with our relationship.

Anytime he talks about things in the future, such as jobs, houses, its always "my brother and I"

... "my brother and I are thinking about getting a house together"
... "my brother and I are thinking about flipping houses for the next year to save up for a better house"
... "my brother and I are thinking about driving a semi for a year"

Its always that type of scenario. I feel like I'm not a priority in his life when it comes to this. Like I'm not a major part of his future.

I'm not waiting for him to ask me to live with him, I really am short on funds to live on my own.. But.. anytime I tell him we should get a house together... Its not necessarily tossed aside or ignored, but not too much interest.

I know everyone's first response is going to be, "Break up with him.. blah blah blah". Not going to happen... At least not yet. For the most part, we have a good relationship. We're very open with one another and can talk about anything. Sometimes, I just think some of the choices he makes seems so unfair!

I wanted to go to an Island this year... He talked me out of it, and is now going. How is that fair?

We just recently went to Las Vegas, NV. For his birthday.. And it was one of the most boring trips I've ever been on. We didn't do anything... No shows, no bars, no clubs... Nothing... We walked the strip until our feet bled. And yes, a lot of this horrible trip was due to one of the couples we went with not being a team player (there were 9 of us) and participating in the few things that we did do.. But.. I never been to Vegas, he has. Everyone in our group has been to Vegas except me. He couldn't even take me by the hand, stray from the group for a day, and spend the day with me showing me stuff and having a great time. That bothered me.. I told him that it bothered me.. We're going out this Friday to the local club with one of my friends.. He agreed to it.. Now, we have to go out with HIS friends and HIS cousin is going to be in town. Ugh!

Seriously.. If I'm over-reacting, let me know...

[Kitkat22]

;-)

I would think about marriage as something far down the road on his part.

If he always has to have someone around when you all are going someplace then I would be a little upset.

[Lucky098]

I would think about marriage as something far down the road on his part.

If he always has to have someone around when you all are going someplace then I would be a little upset.

Its not all the time.. But it seems like he can't function without his brothers approval. I always joke to myself and say my boyfriend is so far up his brothers @$$, that his brother can't even walk right.

I don't know why I am having such an issue with keeping this thread separate... ugh...

[AmericanGirl01]

You need to think about whether you can deal with this for the rest of your life. If your boyfriend puts his family or anybody else before you there's a good chance that you will always be second on his list.

It seems that he grew up pretty well with his family, to him family does comes first. Anyway if you really love him then you should try to understand, but he also needs to understand that you’re part of his life now also. There is nothing wrong with spending time with his family the problem is he's not spending it with you also. Can you go on the holiday with him and his family?

My advise is try talking to him, tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't seem to make much of an effort then I don’t think you should either.

[Lucky098]

You need to think about whether or not you can deal with this for the rest of your life. If your boyfriend puts his family or anybody else before you there's a good chance that you will always be second on his list.

It seems that he grew up pretty well with his family, to him family does comes first. Anyway if you really love him then you should try to understand, but he also needs to understand that you’re part of his life now also. There is nothing wrong with spending time with his family the problem is he's not spending it with you also. Can you go on the holiday with him and his family?

My advise is try talking to him, tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't seem to make much of an effort then I don’t think you should either.

I have thought about it... a lot. And sometimes its OK. Sometimes its normal.. Other times, it just doesn't seem normal. And my main hurtle is his brother.. He values his brothers opinion so much. He acts like "wifey" to his brother.. Its strange. It kind of bothers me.. and I tell him whenever he starts to zone in on what his brother is doing that he needs to include me too.

The reason I don't think he and his brother have a normal relationship is based on what their sister has done with her life. She's married and expecting a baby. She is living away from mom and dad and on her own with her husband. She always seemed to have her priorties straight and not too concerned what about what everyone else is doing. She is still close with her family, but the umbilicol cord is definiately cut and has been since I met my boyfriend.

He just makes me so mad sometimes! And sometimes it feels like I'm wasting my time with him because I will never get to wear that white dress or announce to anyone he and I are expecting. Not that I want that right now.. But its hard for me to see it happening... I just see us moving forward like how it always is. And I do talk to him.. and he always assures me that we will move forward, we just need to get some debt out of the way (which is fine, I understand... but that will be in probably 6 months or less). He did buy me a promise ring for Valentine's Day.. I don't know.. Sometimes I think I expect too much.

[AmericanGirl01]

I don't think you expect too much. You know what you want in your future, you want that white dress and someday you want children.

You've almost been together 4 years. You should ask yourself if you've seen much progress in the relationship in the past 4 years. It's completely understandable that he wants to take care of his debt before moving in together and starting a family. You say the debt should be taken care of in six month, perhaps at that point revaluate the relationship and if you don't see progress I wouldn't waste anymore of your time on this one. He could just always feed you excuses in order to avoid commitment. Life is short, you know what you want and there is no reason you should have to settle for less.
He assures you that you will move forward, however actions speak louder than words. You've almost been together 4 years, and in those four years has there been much progress made on the relationship?

[talaniman]

At some point this has to be about what you two want, and not about what he and his family want. I don't see that happening honestly.

Accept it for what it is, or leave and find what you want. He sure doesn't sound ready for what you want, even after 4 years.

[Lucky098]

Threads merged.
In everyone's opinion... What does a promise ring stand for??

Thanks :)

[talaniman]

Did he give you one?

[Lucky098]

Yes :)

[talaniman]

It only means something when there are promises that are kept. What did he promise?