[CrystalAngel]

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. In all that time I never met his daughter (she was 5 when we started going out, she will be 10 this year). I really wanted to meet her as I thought it would be good for us to do stuff together. However, for some reason my ex never wanted me to, he said he didn't want her upset and that if she didn't like me then it would be even harder for him to have a relationship with me. I felt that without giving us either of the chance to meet he was depriving both of us of a possible good relationship, especially as I thought I would be with this guy for the rest of my life. I could understand him not rushing into us meeting at first but after at least a year I didn't think I was asking anything unreasonable, and I was kept a secret from his daughter.
It got too much for me and we split for a while, I thought I wasn't good enough. However we got back together after he promised things would change but they didn't and we only lasted another 9 months and we split up again over an argument about it. All my friends think it was odd that he didn't let me meet his daughter.

REcently I met someone else, who looks after me, loves me to bits (I think more than I love him, which isn't a good thing) but I can't stop thinking about my ex. We've swapped emails and he promises he'll call or we'll get together to talk things through but yet again nothing happens. I really don't want to hurt my current boyfriend, he is lovely but there is no sex at all and he is due to move abroad soon for good and I don't really want a long distance relationship. I don't want to cheat on my current boyfriend either but I miss sex.
I'm so cut up inside when I think about things. I wish this new relationship hadn't started but we sort of drifted into it and he looked after me when I was ill.

[Marriedguy]

What? The fact that you are entertaining e-mail and telephone conversations you are cheating in my book. Cheating doesn't have to involve sleeping with the other person. You have a boyfriend and you are trying to work it out with your ex-boyfriend. In fact you go on say that don't want to have a long distance relationship that is the only reason why you are not with the ex now.

Let your current boyfriend go. It will be hard on him but.. it think about it its going to happen either way.

Tell him the truth you really care for him but you still habor feelings for you ex-boyfriend and to be with him in this stage is not fair to him.

After you break-up take some time for yourself and find out what you want in life. You ex-boyfriend sounds like a real loser. You don't prevent your daughter from meeting your girlfriend of 4 years unless your are hiding something. Like the fact that he is still working it out with the daughter mother.

[JBeaucaire]

I know I often read these stories differently than others, and I think that's the case here.

I don't think your ex did anything wrong. In fact, I say "bravo." His FIRST responsibility is to protect that child from unnecessary stress. His willingness to keep you from meeting her for 5 years plus another 9 months is a LOUD and CLEAR message to you that this guy does not see you two as "together", even while dating. You don't see that?

Good for him for being honest enough about his real depth of commitment to you and to his daughter to see the difference and not mix the two. You even broke up over "disagreements" over it... translation - you wanted into his private life and he wasn't willing. That's not a disagreement, that's you ignoring clear messages being given to you... ignoring them for almost 6 years, holy cow!

You broke up, and that's actually a good thing... it meant you were free to go find a real relationship. Now you almost did that, but ended up AGAIN with someone who isn't really long-term material... leaving for overseas and you're not going with, right?

The problem you're having is you're staying with non-matches WAY longer than you should. Is that just a comfort thing? Having a BF without a clear track to marriage and family... well, that's what I think dating is for. How about you? What are you dating to accomplish?

You're only going to date guys you like and maybe "love" in some way, so that fine, but it's not reason to STAY with them when it CLEAR clear CLEAR it's not a match. Get better at moving on sooner if that is the result of the dating game, play better.

Oh, and you will ALWAYS love some guys more/deeper/blah than others. Comparing one to another is not only pointless, it's destructive. Passing on a potential available and compatible CURRENT guy because the "spark" isn't at intense as some ex-guy that's not really a match either, well... that's just sad.

Learn to reminisce about exes a little more pragmatically. You can remember them, but also remember it WASn'T a match, live in the now.

[susangpyp]

I think that you're right. After a year a relationship is serious enough to introduce children into... but you hung in there for another few years... maybe it was the child's mother who was a problem. I went out with a guy who never introduced any women to his children because their mother went so crazy. When he introduced me to them our relationship broke up shortly thereafter because the mother made it UNBEARABLE on him and they were teenagers!!

I believe in people protecting their children from meeting new partners too soon or meeting them at all if it's not serious. But I think that being in a multiyear relationship and never meeting the kids is not okay and you were right to leave it.

The problem is that you are with someone who loves you and you're still talking to this guy who didn't let you fully into his life for whatever reason.

FORGET the ex and move on. Put your energy into new relationships with people who appreciate you. Otherwise you're just going to ruin whatever new thing and good thing comes along.

[CrystalAngel]

I know I often read these stories differently than others, and I think that's the case here.

I don't think your ex did anything wrong. In fact, I say "bravo." His FIRST responsibility is to protect that child from unnecessary stress. His willingness to keep you from meeting her for 5 years plus another 9 months is a LOUD and CLEAR message to you that this guy does not see you two as "together", even while dating. You don't see that?

Hmmm, the fact that he moved in with me made me think we WERE together!

Good for him for being honest enough about his real depth of commitment to you and to his daughter to see the difference and not mix the two. You even broke up over "disagreements" over it...translation - you wanted into his private life and he wasn't willing. That's not a disagreement, that's you ignoring clear messages being given to you....ignoring them for almost 6 years, holy cow!

I wasn't ignoring anything. He kept promising that we WOULD meet but always came up with an excuse even on days when it had been planned I'd meet up with them. He wasn't being honest with either me OR his daughter.

You broke up, and that's actually a good thing...it meant you were free to go find a real relationship. Now you almost did that, but ended up AGAIN with someone who isn't really long-term material...leaving for overseas and you're not going with, right?

He was already going overseas before we met. This relationship just "happened"

The problem you're having is you're staying with non-matches WAY longer than you should. Is that just a comfort thing? Having a BF without a clear track to marraige and family...well, that's what I think dating is for. How about you? What are you dating to accomplish?

Not looking to have a family. I already have grown up kids (I'm a widow). I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I thought he was that person. I don't need to be with someone just for comfort. I'm not that needy or sad

Oh, and you will ALWAYS love some guys more/deeper/blah than others. Comparing one to another is not only pointless, it's destructive. Passing on a potential available and compatible CURRENT guy because the "spark" isn't at intense as some ex-guy that's not really a match either, well...that's just sad.

I'm not "sad" I've just been let down badly.

Learn to reminisce about exes a little more pragmatically. You can remember them, but also remember it WASn'T a match, live in the now.

That's probably the only bit of useful advice you've actually given!

[Marriedguy]

I understand the concern with introducing children to a girlfriend or boyfriend these complicants things. But these are the issues you will have to face when moving on. You can't avoid the introduction because you want to avoid the babymomma drama. Don't give her ex-boyfriend credit for protecting his daughter because this is not his intention.

In my opinion I think one year of dating you should introduce children with your new girlfriend or boyfriend. I'm not saying that they spend time together but they should be able to pick your boyfriend/girlfriend out of a line up.

3 years its excessive! And what you said was you were a secret which meant you could past the young girl on the street and not even recognize her. If he was really serious about you he would be willing to deal with the babymomma drama. You voiced it and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work out and you broke up. Best decision you could have made. Don't go back on it.

Why you are entertaining the idea of getting back with him?

Why are you willing to destroy a relationship that is good and loving?

[talaniman]

I think you may be one of those people, who sees red flags, but ignores them. Not all hook ups, are meant to hold onto, some you have to let go of, before they get complicated.

[statictable]

I really wanted to meet her as I thought it would be good for us to do stuff together. However, for some reason my ex never wanted me to, he said he didn't want her upset and that if she didn't like me then it would be even harder for him to have a relationship with me.

Thats's when you should have said by, by chit-head. We all make mistakes and he knows he's got you now and in the future.