[shatteredsoul]

Hell yeah girl. I know what you mean. YOu are getting it out and I am happy you are. I do take you seriously and I know how it feels when I don't. IT hurts, makes me angry and so damn confused. You have so much on your plate and it isn't easy balancing everything, because you are the glue that holds everyone together. Sometimes the pressure of it all is too much for even someone as balanced and strong as you. Hubby's can surely be an added stress to that, even when they don't mean to be or realize it.
YOu are doing good, now don't stop, it is nice to hear you talk for a change.

[saraispiel19]

αgreed!!

[startover22]

Thanks Shattered, I am only feeling like this cause it is hard to speak loud enough with out yelling. My voice is not heard, my husband is irrational when it comes to his views and morals, I am not ready to throw in the towl but I feel like I want to... especially these last couple of months I have been analizing everything and that is not in my nature. I usually go with the flow, try and make everything better. Fostering, and company that has been here play a big part, I have seen things that I am truly uncomfortable with. My dream is to help children and to do that they may have to be closer and in my home to do it. My hubby crushed my dream a bit, seeing him in a new light is killing me and there is no where to turn with my words or feelings...
Don't any of you take this the wrong way, I love him with my heart of hearts, but things have changed a bit and the new me needs to get out or I will regret. I live life with no regret, I want to keep it like that. The tension is so thick... I feel like I am the only one that can see it. I don't like being resented and I don't want to resent him or anyone else. If I was heard only once in my life, I wish he could hear me now and know I am so dead on!

[shatteredsoul]

Ok now you are bringing tears to my eyes. Please, you don't have to justify your feelings, that is what they are!! I know you love him with all your heart, I know that for a fact. You are being honest, that prevents resentment and regret. It is so hard when they think they know everything and there is nothing to learn. Sometimes men get stuck and it is us who have to pull them back out of their shell to show them the light. You changing creates the opportunity for him to change. We all struggle with identifying our own needs as a woman, as a person. WE try to balance that with being a mother and a wife. But, sometimes it is just plain hard. NO matter what, we feel like we are neglecting someone somewhere. Usually it is us. I think you have devoted your life to your husband and family and that has been wonderful and life changing. Yet you recognize that your husband cannot take all the credit for your growth and success as a person. It has come from within. Yes, he has started you on a path, but the rest of the road is paved by you. You question things now, you analyze and decide for yourself what you believe to be true. Sometimes that is scary for a man. Especially when you haven't always allowed you to trust yourself. It is OK to have second thoughts, it is OK to know that there is tension and you recognize it. That already deflates the stress somewhat. You are thinking with a clear and level head and you know that you aren't always going to agree with him or like how he thinks. That makes you human and an individual. Some women feel tremendous guilt when they go "against" their husbands, but that is part of being different and having our own minds. You can find a way through this and still manage a loving relationship. IT will be a bumpy road, but that is how life and love is. You are just aware of things now, you see with a clear mind and maybe that scares you. Just embrace your growth and your clarity with the comfort of knowing, you always do things with the right intention, and out of love.

[startover22]

Shattered, do you understand that what you just said is exaclty how I feel. I know it is hard for him to see anything but the me he has seen for the past 14 years. It would be hard for me if he came home a different man and I would be scared. I just don't want to neglect myself. I have definitely neglected myself/ And I want it all to work out, he has a way with words to make me feel like I am wrong, I just quit, I just stand there like I cannot say anything else to make him see...
I am not one to hurt but lately, I have been speaking my mind as gentle as I can. Some of my feelings come out as insults and there is no way around it. I don't think I am better than him, I just think I am different, and the difference is something he cannot handle...
Thanks Shattered, you have put a few things in perspective... Hugs, Start

[saraispiel19]

Show him the post!

I'm sorry your αlso going through crαp-- mαrriαge is hαrd αnd if you think you cαn't pull on mαybe seek α mediαtor-- coucilor --- couple's counciling... other thαn thαt αll you cαn do it leαve the mαrriαge--:( sorry stαrt.. wish you could come shopping with me..

[startover22]

show him the post!!

i'm sorry your αlso going through crαp-- mαrriαge is hαrd αnd if you think you cαn't pull on mαybe seek α mediαtor-- coucilor --- couple's counciling.... other thαn thαt αll you cαn do it leαve the mαrriαge--:( sorry stαrt.. wish you could come shopping with me..

He thinks ctherapist are only there for the money... That is just one example of his attitude. He is very set on the fact that he is who he is and I should love him for that. Hell yes I love him for that, but the whole idea that he is not open to any thoughts other than his, well, you can see where it could get a little scary

[startover22]

show him the post!!

i'm sorry your αlso going through crαp-- mαrriαge is hαrd αnd if you think you cαn't pull on mαybe seek α mediαtor-- coucilor --- couple's counciling.... other thαn thαt αll you cαn do it leαve the mαrriαge--:( sorry stαrt.. wish you could come shopping with me..

I might just show him the post... I will actually.

[shatteredsoul]

Sometimes it is easier to say things when you aren't telling him face to face. He has his views and no, they probably won't change. What can change, is his ability to accept your views as different and respect them. He doesn't have to agree, he just has to listen. That is what I am hearing from you. You love him the way he is, whether you agree with him or not. YOu want him to love you for you, while you grow and change and become who you were meant to be, the best person you can be, and he doesn't have to agree with all of it, but just listen and respect your feelings.
That isn't too much to ask, and deep down I am sure he will want to, even if he doesn't really know how to. Maybe showing him this post will let him see how you are struggling in so many ways. You need his support and you need to know he will be there to hear your frustrations and to express all of your feelings. After all, you have dedicated 14 years of your life to him, he should understand the sacrifices you have made, this is a small one for him to make. IT will work itself out. I believe he will open his eyes, maybe not today, but everyday you work towards it, in baby steps.
WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY, we just deal with it in different ways. Being married is hard, it is a constant juggle and sacrifice of self. Yes it is worth it, and yes it is fulfilling, it just doesn't always entail all of our own personal needs, goals and aspirations. WE are still struggling with growing up and becoming who we want to be, while figuring out and managing what everyone else needs. I think its hard and I am dealing with some of those same issues right this very minute.
I appreciate you honesty and your openness, it makes us all feel more comfortable to share our own issues and frustrations.

[startover22]

Yes, it really does help. Saying out loud to him really isn't helping so I have turned to writing it all down. Some day Shattered, he will come around. He just isn't ready. I don't have high expectations, I just have a need to be heard. I am very patient and will be waiting for him. There is a struggle with in me to leave and have MY peace... There are so many things factoring in here, not just him but they do revolve around him...
And to you who know me you will understand that divorce and such are not in my vocabualry.

[shatteredsoul]

Yes, that I know, I didn't even think that is what you meant. You want to feel heard and to feel alive, as a person. That meaning, separate from being a mom and a wife. You put your thoughts and feelings down and let him sort it out. Yes, your peace you need and whether you want it to, is does revolve around him because you share your life together. It is a constant adjustment on both parts for a marriage to be successful, you have had your success in many ways and now there is need for adjustment to continue on the same path. You aren't a quitter, and you both love each other and your family, tremendously. He didn't think you would grow and evolve as you have, but he will come to terms with it, even if you have to feel like you are fighting for your life for a while for him to see it. I believe in you guys, and I know you do too. I am proud of you for facing your issues head on. Many people hide their head in a pillow and wallow in their sorrow. You are a survivor, and this too you both will survive. I am thankful that you have felt comfortable sharing with me. It means very much.

[Canada_Sweety]

AKKK!!!!!!
Helllloooooooooooo!:D
God I'm bored and thought I should say hi or something before I headed out...
Missed y'all terribly<3

[shatteredsoul]

HEY GIRLY MISSED YA TOOOOO, glad you are back!! WHASSUP HOMEY??

[startover22]

Yes, that I know, I didn't even think that is what you meant. You want to feel heard and and to feel alive, as a person. That meaning, separate from being a mom and a wife. You put your thoughts and feelings down and let him sort it out. Yes, your peace you need and whether or not you want it to, is does revolve around him because you share your life together. It is a constant adjustment on both parts for a marriage to be successful, you have had your success in many ways and now there is need for adjustment to continue on the same path. You aren't a quitter, and you both love each other and your family, tremendously. He didn't think you would grow and evolve as you have, but he will come to terms with it, even if you have to feel like you are fighting for your life for a while for him to see it. I believe in you guys, and I know you do too. I am proud of you for facing your issues head on. Many people hide their head in a pillow and wallow in their sorrow. You are a survivor, and this too you both will survive. I am thankful that you have felt comfortable sharing with me. It means very much.

I won't be hiding in my pillow (although it is soft and comfy) I want my voice to be heard, and I have taken a few steps towards that... I just don't want to hurt him in the process. Thank you very much Shattered, and if there was anyone to help, it would be your long emotional posts... LOL Love you right back sweet.
Canada, you been gone forever, can't wait to hear what you have been up to without us.

[JoeCanada76]

I can tell that you all are going through some big changes. Many people tend to be afraid of change but change is not a bad thing and once some people realize it, these rough patches will turn into golden roads. It is a process and I hope that you all work through them the way you feel is right for your heart, mind and body. Hope I did not interrupt anything and I hope no one minds me writing this.

Joe

[JoeCanada76]

AKKK!!!!!!
Helllloooooooooooo!:D
God I'm bored and thought I should say hi or something before I headed out...
Missed y'all terribly<3

Hey what's up, Welcome back.

Well good thing you said hello, hello back.

[startover22]

I can tell that you all are going through some big changes. Many people tend to be afraid of change but change is not a bad thing and once some people realize it, these rough patches will turn into golden roads. It is a process and I hope that you all work through them the way you feel is right for your heart, mind and body. Hope I did not interupt anything and I hope no one minds me writing this.

Joe

No mind here...
I feel what you said and I can take it to heart that there are some Golden Roads ahead, I have said before and will say it many more times... the rough times make for a good marriage, if you stick with it and try to work it all out that is the PROUDEST MOMENT... especially when it comes from both sides... Thanks Joe, youa re always welcome in any conversation. Hugs, Start

[NowWhat]

Hey Start - I feel your pain. You have read my past posts - so you know where I have been. Marriage is one of the hardest things and one of the best things to have in your life.
My husband is rough around the edges when it comes to communication. When we talk face to face and can SEE each others expressions - it doesn't always work. We don't hear each other. So, I have taken to sending him emails. Just today, I had to sit down and write one. He "jokingly" said (7 x's!! ) that I sh! On him. He had the nerve to say that to me. It hurt my feelings and I let him know. After everything he has put me through - he said that to me.
Anyway - you know the best thing you can do is to communicate with your husband. You give that advice to others all the time. And you know it is what is best. Letting your feelings fester makes it worse. If you have to write a letter, send him an email, then do it.
If you think counseling will help you two, then demand it. You are just as much a member of this relationship and your say DOES COUNT! If he is reluctant for whatever reason - make a compromise - agree to say 5 sessions and if he doesn't like it - then stop. But, give it a try.

Also, please check into this - "Men are from mars, women are from venus". I have a tape series (like seminars) but I think they sell a workbook. It HELPS so much in learning to communicate. It is working for us (believe it or not :))

[startover22]

You came back my Nowwhat... I knew you were here just where was the question. Work OK for you and the babe?
I agree with you, I will do everything in my power and ask him to do the same, to try everything. You have no idea what your words have meant to me. A letter is a wonderful idea, then he can't talk back and maybe if he reads it, it will seep into his soul before he talks to me about it. Goll, can I please take my own advise? Too funny that you should mention that. Communication is huge... Thank you much my friend, thank you..

[NowWhat]

I am here. Just not as much. Now that I am a "working" woman - my time is short. I try to check in and see how everyone is doing.
The job is good. I really like it a lot. I have to take a mid-term today - so hopefully I will pass.
The babe is good. She is adjusting. School starts in 2 weeks!
Well, I have to run!