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You don't have to be scared of him. He's doing just fine; a girlfriend and slowly working on a back-up just for the times when he needs a change of scenery.
I don't know your age but will assume you've had other relationships and probably learned more about yourself and others than you could have imagined. Did you learn about trusting your instincts? Have you learned that it's close to impossible for anyone to change another adults behavior? You do know that change comes to those who have clearly accepted the fact that change is vital not for others but for themselves. Has such a change miraculously transformed this person into the likeness of what you had always hoped for in such a short time? There are times when we must make choices and hopefully you'll choose from your heart and mind. Please remember; until you make a choice in this mater you should be scared of yourself. Be very smart and fearless. |
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I'm scared because he used to say that he was all I could get and that in the 2 years we've been broken up, no ones ever treated me the way he used to. What if he really is the best I can get?
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 Originally Posted by clandestine1
Hold on a second. Has he even met 0.0001 percent of the men on this planet? No! Have you? No! So how could you possibly know, or let him make you question, that this dog sh&t is the best you can do? See, what he's saying just proves that he will be miserable for the rest of his life. You know why? Because this man actually thinks of himself "as the best" a girl can get. This means he either does not have the "ability" to change, or even worse, he doesn't have the "will"! It won't take much to prove this sorry loser wrong. Leave him, because you have to run to the gym, you have to read something new, you made those plans with your best girl, you're going on that trip, and you're doing all the things that make your life richer and healthier. It's time to concentrate on you and to take care of you. Being around someone who is dishonest, a cheater, and thinks he is worth more than you, is unhealthy for your spirit. |
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Crushed By Ex's True Colors
I ran into my ex, as tends to happen since we live so close by each other. We ended up having a very honest conversation about where things stood in our lives and I need to write it out. All of it. We were talking about his current girlfriend and how they've been together for almost 2 years, and yet he's cheated on her repeatedly. His logic is if you're not living together and you're not married, its okay. So I end up asking if he's in love with her because in my eyes, if you're in love with someone you don't cheat on them. He said to me, "I've said the L word, if thats what you mean. I'm not like, head over heels or anything. I'm just really confused right now." That was the ONE thing he could never say, and he used to tell me all the time, "Its not just you, I've never said it to anyone, I don't think I'll ever be able to say it." He continues by saying, "When I said it, I meant it, but...I dunno if its gonna work out." So my heart, my stupid heart that no longer flutters around this guy, is wondering, "Why her?" and I actually said that aloud. He asked, "Why her as opposed to...you?" and I was honest and said yes. So he said "Because I don't think we work well together in a relationship, but...I dunno. Luckily I can still talk to you." =/
Then he goes on to say he doesn't think it'll end up working out because he's Catholic and she's Jewish and this is NOT meant to offend anyone but merely to explain his commentary. He said, "I can see it not working out because she'd give me a hard time about the kids thing. Because she's Jewish her kids have to be, and I am NOT allowing that. She thinks that they should be Jewish because she is and its like, What I don't even get a say?! And thats like saying you're entitled to get your way and you don't need a reason because you're Jewish. Its such a Jew thing to say." Uh... yeah. But you love her. And honestly, I didn't feel any feelings towards him like I used to. I haven't in a really long time I'm realizing, but... at the same time, its still heartbreaking to hear how he doesn't think we went well together. Why? Because I wanted to TALK about issues and I wanted to TALK about feelings/emotions and where we stood. I stood up for myself when I wasn't being treated with respect. So that's why I'm just good as a friend because I'm still nice, he can still talk to me/hang out with me, but... as a girlfriend I didn't give in and I didn't let him walk all over me. So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special. I don't think years later we'll be meant for each other. And I'm in this negative state right now... so please, be kind, comment away, and please ease this aching in my heart. Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever. |
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He's a self centered cheater! And you were lucky to get rid of him 2 years ago. Why are you wasting your time trying to figure him out? Next time say hi and keep going. I feel sorry for his current girlfriend.
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Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever.
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So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special.
From the way he is talking about the person, he supposedly loves, behind her back one can tell he only cares about himself. And chances are that he will never work well in a relationship because he is too involved with himself. It takes two for a relationship to work out so I suggest you leave all this behind and find someone who will appreciate you for what you are. |
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Know your worth.
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That was a great conversation you had with your ex. Why? Here's what you've established:
1 - He's a liar. When he said he couldn't tell you he loved because it's not something he could tell anyone, he wasn't being honest with you about how he truly felt about you. 2 - He's a cheater. That's a personality flaw, it's not because he's with that particular girl, it's because he's a cheater. If you're not living with someone it doesn't count as cheating? What? I hope for your sake you were living with him when you were together otherwise you have a pretty good idea of what he was doing while dating you. 3 - He's self-centered. The whole conversation pretty well proves that. 4 - He uses people. Again, many aspects of the conversation suggest that. The good part is that the odds that the next guy you meet will be worse are pretty slim. The cheating part alone should be enough for you to feel relieved things ended with him. |
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If she learned anything, its be more careful with her choice of partners.
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He doesn't give much of himself in relationships but selfishly takes all he can get.
What he learned from you was not to be a better partner but how to fake it better. So now instead of having talks with her about why he's not saying the "L" word, he'll pop up with it, knowing she is under the impression it means the same thing to her that it does to him. When in fact, to him it means I can take up your time & devotion while I'll screw anything I can as long as I can without any problems, then I'll dump you too. He can say it, but still can't act loving & still has no idea what that really means in a good unselfish honest committed way. He has some serious deep rooted problems he refuses to acknowledge much less deal with. He's not talking to you about how & why he screwed up your relationship (which obviously meant a lot to you) or the one he's in now. He's telling you how he's using her & isn't ashamed of that or guity for how he treated you. He's learned nothing & doesn't intend to, his method of madness is still working for him (which it won't as he gets older & his tricks aren't as effective). He loves no one, not even himself but doesn't realize that he's not only mistreating his partners but himself, it's a very sad way to be & live. Maybe some more maturity will eventually land in his heart & mind, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for it to happen at all or any time soon. You'd have better odds winning the lottery & get a better payoff from that. If you have learned nothing else, you can at least know that it's definitely not you, it's him that still has a very long road to go before being with him will be a remotely good thing. It hurts like hell when someone we care about is so self destructive & selfish, but there's nothing you can do about it but be grateful you didn't waste more of your precious time with such a screwed up person trying to get them to see the truth, much less live better. It's like arguing with a parking meter. It's not going to change the parking meter, only make you feel worse & look stupid. He's a parking meter & chump change in the game of life. |
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This guy is not someone you want to spend your life with, his conversations and his behavior really reflect what kind of peron he is = BAD. Don't even think of feeling bad because he didn't regret not being with you as he is in my eyes a lowlife idiot. Just the fact that you cheat on someone is enough for me to thank god I am no longer with that person.
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I thank you all for your response... I've been taking a lot of time to figure out what it is that keeps me wanting to even associate with this miserable excuse for a human being. If I may share my ramblings with the rest of you, considering you all seem to have better insight into things from the outside than I do from within... Betrayal you hit it on the head when you said he's not talking to her about these things, and I think that's why every few months he contacts me because I see now I'm the emotional crutch. She's the once-a-week girlfriend who he has this superficial sham of a relationship with, and I really DO feel for this girl. I could have BEEN her. I saw changes in him the last 2 months of our relationship 3 yrs ago. He became completely shut down and angry all the time, and he stopped opening up. He started doing things out of malice, and at least had the guts to tell me he wanted to date around and that I wasn't someone he'd cheat on. It's been a slow decline I've watched happen ever since. I broke it off, he started hooking up with other girls, we stayed close as friends, and when we seemed to get too close he'd push me away. He admitted to me before ever dating this girl that we work as friends but that he knows he can't have an actual relationship because all he thinks about is himself. That he knows I deserve to be with someone who can say I love you and means it and can give me everything he knows he can't. Shortly after he met his current girlfriend and we lost contact. Emotionally this drains me because when we broke up I wasn't over him and its been a roller coaster ever since. He'll have other gfs, the girls (every single one since me) fall in love with him, he sticks around without ever committing or opening up. He'll list my attributes, stating he knows I'm a good person, that I'm always there for him, that he cares about me... yet has always pushed me away or hurt me to keep me at a distance safe enough for his liking. It doesn't help that in the last year he became a police officer in NYPD and no surprise, isn't satisfied with this path. He now wants to become FDNY. Its hard for me because I get far enough away from him to be okay on my own two feet and he knows me well enough to get inside my head. This girl is just as worth it as I am, I don't hold it against her that she stays with him, but I can't understand is what happened to him. I can't say I feel responsible, I know this goes far beyond me, but when we were together he actually opened up to me and told me things that he's never shared with anyone. But again, intimacy and us getting closer always seemed to have an opposite effect on him than it does on most people. Its like he let his guard down and then hated me for making him feel anything at all. So I'm the friend, or emotional crutch or whatever, who watches him go through these relationships, one foot outside the door. And when they're gone he comes back, starts to get close, then pulls away. Over and over and over. My head and my heart can never get right with this. |
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Its like he let his guard down and then hated me for making him feel anything at all.
So my questions to you is why are you willing to be there for him when it's causing you so much anguish? Are you hoping he will come to his senses so you two can be together again? Have you put your life on hold for him or still just struggling to get past what happened? |
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Originally Posted by BetrayalBtCamp
Part of me is completely shattered that someone I loved so much almost has "no use" for me in his life anymore, except when its convenient. I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real? The completely irrational side of me wonders if I should be more like the girls he chooses the date: low self-esteem, willing to keep my mouth shut and do what he wants all the time, but I can't abandon my identity for a relationship. That's not REAL. It's a catch 22... I'm the friend he can confide in and openly admits that I'm a great person, he can talk to me when he needs to, still attracted to me, still grateful that I care about him after all these years and yet... we don't "work" as a couple. But being in relationships where you can cheat, lie, and walk all over someone is a working relationship? I feel dysfunctional, like there's something wrong with me that after everything, this guy you all describe as being an SOB (rightfully so) doesn't want ME back. If someone like that doesn't even want you... doesn't that say something about your character? I don't get remembered as the great girlfriend, I get remembered as the girl who it didn't "work" with and it kills me inside to know I wasn't even worth loving in his eyes. That makes NO sense to me :( |
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I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real?
Here's some food for thought in these Ann Rand quotes: "Love is the expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character & person, the emotional price paid by one man for the joy he receives from the virtues of another." Francisco's Sex Speech: [Some people] think that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one's mind, choice, or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire & makes a choice for you -- just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason & mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man's sexual choice is the result & the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive & I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with & I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment -- just try to think of performing it as an act of selfless charity! -- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired & being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, & to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind & the desires of his body... |
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Originally Posted by clandestine1
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To help myself figure out where I went wrong, I'm going to break this down. Things I'd bring up to Colin/issues that came up/problems in the relationship: 1) Flirting with other girls in front of me. If you're going to do it, at least do it when I'm not five feet away.. and not in front of my friends where you disrespect me and make me look like a fool. 2) Bringing up his ex & making me pay for how she made him feel by second-guessing every intention I had since she'd "hold things over him." This one just hurt more than anything because I was constantly on eggshells. 3) Giving my interests a chance, at least once in awhile. 4) Putting down my friends/family when he'd do so 5) Paying once in awhile because if I didn't pay, we didn't go out =/ 6) Talking to me instead of bottling everything inside... what ultimately ended us. He waits until after we're on the verge of breaking up or broken up to tell me how much he cares about me, how much he wants for us, how I'm worth trying again with... everything that I'd waited 10 1/2 months to hear, he waits to say until we're no longer together. 7) If you're not comfortable having sex, for any reason, don't put me down or criticize my body when I'm working out 4X a week and am nowhere near overweight KNOWING I have a history of anorexia/put me down for not having big enough breasts. Not wanting to watch any movies I wanted to, not wanting to learn more about my music, not wanting to learn about me as a person. 9) If a girl does something nice for you just for the sake of showing she cares, don't look at her and say, "What were you expecting to get out of this?" 10) Don't tell me you think I could find some guy that I'm crazy about because it hurts to know no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I try to show you I care, you still think I don't want you. =( 11) Accuse me of always having an agenda. Down to the way I take a sip of your drink because my expression "looks rehearsed." 12) Say that I fight with you for no reason, when all I'm doing is expressing my feelings without so much as raising my voice and when I say "If you did something wrong, so did I. Its 50/50." 13) When I tell you to make more of an effort with your friends, but when we break up you tell everyone we worked with that I never gave you space to hang out with them. I ALWAYS said friends come first, and you complained that they went home at midnight so you'd prefer hanging out with me instead. But yet... I kept you from going out. Okay... 14) What did I do wrong? I thought too much because I'm an analytical person, and when I tried to talk about my feelings and tried to say what I felt about our relationship, you don't want to hear it and push me away. Then go on to say we don't work because you want to be with a girl who doesn't talk about serious things, who you can play video games with and talk about "sh*t that doesn't matter." And for all of these reasons... he doesn't want me back... it really was him... |
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Yes, it really was, and now your free. |
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