Originally Posted by clandestine1
My ex just recently graduated from the NYPD academy, something he'd been in college for while we were dating. Now, he's out on the streets patrolling, and I know contacting him is a bad idea, so I'd like to write out how I feel here. For one thing, my dad told me the other day that he sees my ex on the train every morning, my ex apparently said hi to him one day, and they talk now whenever they see each other. My ex told my dad about graduating and about patrolling, apparently. His sister, my long-time friend long before I even met my ex, told me recently that it doesn't seem like the girl he's with now is going to be around too long.
Before I get flamed for that, I understand completely that it can't be about his sister or his parents thinking I'm right for him, it has to come from him. But I was honest enough with her for the first time in 6 months and I admitted that I feel like he found another "me," as in another long-term serious relationship, instead of the brief flings he'd had before. Its hard because living so close, I still see his mom around town and she refers to me as "the one that got away." All of this makes NC hard. We don't talk, haven't in months, yet he talks to my dad, I see his sister almost daily, and now I was invited down to Florida with my friend to see her grandparents....
I'm happy for my ex that his new girlfriend was there to see him graduate (she invited herself to his grad) and that she's been around for it because I know how much it means to him to do this. That said, I still had that twinge of pain to know that she gets to be there for it and I don't. She gets to be there for him, and for right now...I'm not because I know we both need to do our own thing. It was constantly topic of conversation the whole time we were together, him being a cop, me pursuing my career, what it would be like, the different processes etc. I guess the point is...I can't say a lot of what I want to say to him, and I'm writing it here so that at least its somewhere.
I'd want him to know how proud I am of him and how much I respect his determination to see this through. I'd want to tell him that he'll wear his badge with honor; that even though he might get hassled or he might have days where he questions why he bothers, he's making something of himself the way I've always known he would. I'd want to tell him to remember why I named that star after him, that its because he's a part of something so much bigger and he's going to find his way home no matter where he is. I'd give him a huge hug and wish him the best of luck in everything he does. I'd tell him I've never stopped believing in him, even though we're apart.
And for all of these reasons, I can't contact him. Because my heart, though mending, isn't strong enough to risk being shattered again. Because as much as I love him and believe in him, I'm focusing on making my life something as well. So that one day I can have that kind of success, that pride, and I can know that I did it. Because as proud as I am of him, and as much as I pray for him every night that he's safe out there in NYC, I've been getting to know new people, I've been crushing on new guys, and I've been doing my best to make damn sure I continue treading water and fighting not to get in over my head again.
I wonder if we parted ways to get our lives straightened out so that, if ever given a second chance, we can have it free of the stressors that were there originally. Part of me wonders if he'll ever come back, no matter how many guys I date, no matter how much time goes by...=/