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Kitkat22 · Jun 27, 2010, 07:30 PM

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Way to go, its great when someone finally gets it and does whats best for them and not the person theyve started to get over and move on from.

WooHoo.....

As Kat said You Go Girl....

Put on the song, "I Will Survive" and boogie down! If you start thinking about him again and start getting mad, put a picture of a horses butt on the wall and throw darts at it. Pretend it's his face.

kp2171 · Jun 27, 2010, 08:53 PM

Glad to hear you made a good, healthy step forward.

A thing ill mention... might seem silly, but it works for me.

When going through a really, awful breakup... one that just tore me apart... there was a moment when I guess I just expected to feel like crap. I mean, for far too long there were anxious swings and ugly moments that would just derail me. Didn't want the marriage to end. Didn't want to be away from my son. That simple. That hard.

But... somewhere along the way I started just expecting those swings. Suddenly, when that Really Ugly Moment came along I'd think "mkay... there it is... was waiting for that crap moment"... and expecting diminishes it.

Instead of fearing those low points, or reacting to them with the will-i-ever-not-feel-like-this angle... there's some comfort in simply expecting that lousy moment or day or week.

So... again... glad you are taking a good move ahead. Keep it up.

I've lost a couple of really Big Loves I my life. I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that I'm so special that I'm the Only Man for any one woman when there a few billion people on this earth. Likewise for my ex. She might be all that and a bag o' chips, but really... I just don't think that That Perfect Person is Perfectly placed within your general vicinity.

I just don't believe any one person is the only person that can "complete" another.

Uhm... threadjacking I am... my point was to be that your ex isn't worth the torture that you put yourself through until you decide that the ex just isn't all that... and that even then, you Will have Lousy Days.

Sucks to be mortal. Oh well.

lena1024 · Jun 27, 2010, 11:10 PM

Thank you all very much for the words of encouragement. I feel vindicated after getting his text. It's truly enough for me to know that he still thinks of me, he regrets leaving me and he still wants me in his life. It's enough for me to walk away and know that I will make it through this. Now the regrets, the sadness and the guilt are coming down on HIM. Now it's his turn to wonder why I'm not contacting him. Karma's a b*tch and all I have to say is good bye and good riddance to bad rubbish!

In this case Silence is truly Golden! He will never hear from me again.

Kitkat22 · Jun 28, 2010, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by lena1024

Thank you all very much for the words of encouragement. I feel vindicated after getting his text. It's truly enough for me to know that he still thinks of me, he regrets leaving me and he still wants me in his life. It's enough for me to walk away and know that I will make it through this. Now the regrets, the sadness and the guilt are coming down on HIM. Now it's his turn to wonder why I'm not contacting him. Karma's a b*tch and all I have to say is good bye and good riddance to bad rubbish!!

In this case Silence is truly Golden! He will never hear from me again.

You are better than anything he happens to date.

stbmrsd · Jun 29, 2010, 07:42 PM

Originally Posted by lena1024

My ex boyfriend text me today and ask "Are you ever going to speak to me again?" I didn't respond and have no intention of ever responding. That one text was worth all the depression I have been feeling this week because of him. Now I know the bastard DOES think about me and DOES still want me in his life. Maybe his new gf isn't all that he thought she would be, maybe the challenge of having both of us is over and that bothers him, maybe he misses me...poor poor baby, life's a all around. Whatever his reasons for contacting me he can go eat and howl at the moon!

I was so depressed this week, crying myself to sleep, not eating and feeling pitiful. All I've wanted to know is if he thinks of me, does he miss me, is he so happy with his new gf (the trailer park trash he cheated on me with) that he no longer cares about me at all. Well my questions have been answered and I feel a huge relief. If he didn't think of me, didn't care and didn't miss me then he would never want to know if I will speak to him. He still wants me in his life but I will not be another of his ex-girlfriends to sit back and wait for him to come back. He betrayed my trust and abused me, he doesn't deserve anything I offered him and now he will always wonder and regret his actions.

Oh the sweet reward of knowing he thinks about you ;) You go girl hang tough

lena1024 · Jun 29, 2010, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by stbmrsd

Oh the sweet reward of knowing he thinks about you ;) You go girl hang tough

That's exactly what it feels like... a reward for sitting around for a month wallowing in misery, sadness and depression, crying myself to sleep, not eating, I've lost 20lbs and gained about a billion more gray hairs. But I do almost feel like it's been worth it just to know he thinks of me. I am NOT forgotten, I am NOT forgettable, I AM on his mind, he wants me in his life and he does miss me.

I'm not over him by far. There is still a long road ahead before I'm completely healed and whole again but knowing that I am on his mind lets me know that on some level he is also hurting even if it's a small bit, he has regret and that is a thought that pushes me onward and upward. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not feeling the great deal of pain that I feel but knowing he feels anything at all is reward enough.

Kitkat22 · Jun 30, 2010, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by lena1024

That's exactly what it feels like...a reward for sitting around for a month wallowing in misery, sadness and depression, crying myself to sleep, not eating, I've lost 20lbs and gained about a billion more gray hairs. But I do almost feel like it's been worth it just to know he thinks of me. I am NOT forgotten, I am NOT forgettable, I AM on his mind, he wants me in his life and he does miss me.

I'm not over him by far. There is still a long road ahead before I'm completely healed and whole again but knowing that I am on his mind lets me know that on some level he is also hurting even if it's a small bit, he has regret and that is a thought that pushes me onward and upward. There is no doubt in my mind that he is not feeling the great deal of pain that I feel but knowing he feels anything at all is reward enough.

What goes round comes round and he deserves everything he feels. You may not agree, but I I think it's good he's going through some of the pain you went through. I've always thought the way you treat someone.. good or bad will come back to you.

bswc · Jun 30, 2010, 11:56 AM

Lena, go girl! 6years is a lot of pain occupying your heart. Its hard to mess around with emotions, but DO come here and talk all the sh*t out of him and take one step at a time. Ups and downs, we're with you, cause WE FELT IT TOO!

Kitkat22 · Jun 30, 2010, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by bswc

Lena, go girl! 6years is alot of pain occupying your heart. Its hard to mess around with emotions, but DO come here and talk all the sh*t out of him and take one step at a time. Ups and downs, we're with you, cause WE FELT IT TOO!

Yes we are!:D

lena1024 · Jul 6, 2010, 07:52 PM

Maybe I shouldn't post this here but I'd like to update everyone on my situation. You've all been a great help and I'd like continued input.

My ex, John kept texting me this last week and this past weekend. He said things he's never said to me in the 6 years we were together so I decided to give him a chance to explain and "make peace" as he put it. We talked in length about things and the result is, we're going to Relationship Therapy. You'd have to know John to understand how HUGE of a comittment that is. His ex-wife left him because he refused to go to marriage counseling with her and all his life, although he knows he has mental issues and childhood trauma to deal with, he's refused to seek therapy. He offered to go to therapy himself, it wasn't my suggestion. I never considered getting back with him unless he did therapy and I gave up hope on him because I simply believe therapy was NOT an option for him.

We've decided to take things slowly and re-build from the ground up with a solid foundation of friendship and eventually courtship. When we agreed to meet I fully expected a quick apology followed by some begging to get back together and some sexual advances. Well to my surprise, he never even attempted to kiss me. When he showed up he was physically shaking and crying. He admitted he fk'd things up and pushed me away. He apologized many many many times for hurting me and pushing me away and he said he felt like nothing he did could make me happy. He thought I hated him and would be happier without him. He admitted that being away from me, not speaking and not seeing me was what he needed to realize how important I was to him and just how much he truly loves me. He's said that I'm the only woman for him, the only thing in his life that mattered and the only thing person that made him happy... he has NEVER EVER said that to me before.

We're not moving in together and we're not picking it up from where we left off. We're starting this right and he says he's willing to do "absolutely anything it takes to get (me) back". We've also decided that since we're both poor communicators and always end up fighting, we wouldn't discuss all the infidelities, anger, fights and abuse until we are in therapy. We both want a third party professional present to help us communicate like adults, keep things civil and resolve the issues. Not only are we doing relationship therapy for "us" and "our relationship" but he's going to therapy for himself to resolve some of his childhood abuse issues.

I believe he's being completely honest with me and since he's not tried to get me into bed and flat out said "we have the rest of our lives for that" I believe he's being sincere. We've made no promises to each other except one promise that he made to me... IF and ONLY IF therapy works for us, he wants to marry me. Again that is a HUGE HUGE deal for him. He never wanted to be married not even to his ex-wife. He married her because she gave him an ultimatum to either get married or break up and as I've mentioned before, his greatest fear is being alone. So rather than be alone he married her but she was in complete control of the entire wedding and marriage including buying her own engagement ring and buying a trailer together. He's told me many times with absolute sincerity that I am "the only woman he wants to marry" I am "the only woman he wants to make his wife and the only woman he wants to have his name"

Admittedly I'm scared about getting hurt again, but is there any reason I shouldn't at least give this a try? Especially if he is willing to go to therapy. I'm going into this with Cautious Optimism and my eyes wide open. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I may be setting myself up for another broken heart but I see his pain, he seems very sincere and he's willing to give me what he's never given any other woman, meaning the therapy and a marriage proposal.

Is there any other advice you can give me so that I'm well prepared?

Again, maybe I shouldn't post this here because I know this is not the typical outcome of NC and others may develop false hope for their relationships but after 6 years of history I feel we owe each other a second chance as long as we do it right.

Opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

lena1024 · Jul 6, 2010, 07:59 PM

Oh and by the way, he did break up with that other girl. She posted on her FB how she's had her heartbroken and will never trust another man. She's also changed her status to single, so I know he's been honest about that.

Kitkat22 · Jul 6, 2010, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by lena1024

Oh and btw, he did break up with that other girl. She posted on her FB how she's had her heartbroken and will never trust another man. She's also changed her status to single, so I know he's been honest about that.

I really don't know what to say. I don't want to burst your bubble, but are you sure this is the way to go?

lena1024 · Jul 6, 2010, 08:14 PM

Don't worry about bursting my bubble, I want honest answers. I'm afraid, I really am and I know I could set myself up for more hurt in the future. But, as I've mentioned, he says he's willing to do things he's never done for anyone else. He really seems sincere and I know he has to not only be WILLING to go to therapy but actually participate in therapy before I consider going any further. The only way to know for sure is to try and again, with 6 years of history, good and bad, shouldn't we give this a try? I know he's really hurt me and been plain cruel but we did also have some great memories. When it was bad it was horrible but when it was good, it was great! We've never had therapy before so I believe this is the best and probably the only route to try and work things out. If therapy doesn't work then it's hopeless but shouldn't we at least try something we've never tried before? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try? I'm scared but hopeful that maybe this could help.

Kitkat22 · Jul 6, 2010, 08:17 PM

Originally Posted by lena1024

Don't worry about bursting my bubble, I want honest answers. I'm afraid, I really am and I know I could set myself up for more hurt in the future. But, as I've mentioned, he says he's willing to do things he's never done for anyone else. He really seems sincere and I know he has to not only be WILLING to go to therapy but actually participate in therapy before I consider going any further. The only way to know for sure is to try and again, with 6 years of history, good and bad, shouldn't we give this a try? I know he's really hurt me and been plain cruel but we did also have some great memories. When it was bad it was horrible but when it was good, it was great! We've never had therapy before so I believe this is the best and probably the only route to try and work things out. If therapy doesn't work then it's hopeless but shouldn't we at least try something we've never tried before? Don't we owe it to ourselves to try? I'm scared but hopeful that maybe this could help.

Let me give this some thought! You give it some thought also. Weigh the pros and the cons. You've come a long way. I would hate to see you crushed and hurt again.

vanheart · Jul 6, 2010, 08:17 PM

Don't do it. Its not worth it.

Hes a liar, a cheater & a physical abuser.

Don't worry about trying to salvage 6 years.

You were doing so well, & contact & texts pushed you over the edge.

His words may be one thing but his actions have spoke volumes.

I would hope after 6 years & being crapped on you know him better then to change.

Stuff just didn't go as planned for him so he's crying back to the only person that will let him.

You.

Kitkat22 · Jul 6, 2010, 08:28 PM

Lena.. some of the experts can give you great advice. I would but I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Just hold on and wait for one of them to give you some advice... OK

ISneezeFunny · Jul 6, 2010, 08:49 PM

lena:

I usually don't read long posts, but for some reason, possibly my inability to sleep, I read it.

I was in the same spot where you were 2 years ago. My exgirlfriend had left me out of the blue for some other guy. I was devastated and miserable, and that's actually the reason I came onto this website. A lot of members told me to get away from her and STAY away, and I rarely listened, because the emotions inside me told me that I should try and get her back... a good kick in the butt from someone here (cough, cough, tal) forced me to leave her alone. 6 months later, she came back to me, begging and pleading, and I was tempted... but I knew that I valued myself too much to go through that again.

Why did I not go back? Well, I thought about it logically. If I indeed take her back, it would be entirely too difficult for me to trust her fully. Every time a guy got close to her, I knew I'd be extra-vigilant... things would never go back to the way it was, and I knew the relationship would never be the same. Not to mention the scrutiny I would endure from friends. So with that in mind, with the reminder how badly she had hurt me, I declined.

Fast forward 2 years...

because of what she did, I am a better person. I met a new girlfriend a few months ago, and things couldn't be better. At first, I had a few trust issues because of what had happened, but after I explained it to her, she was fully understanding and even helped me to get over it. Honestly, I am much better off.

Now, for your story... can you ever see yourself forgiving him FULLY for what he did? This wasn't a "I got drunk and had a one night stand-cheating"... it was a "It happened quite a bit-cheating." Can you honestly forgive him for everything he did to hurt you? Can you ever trust him FULLY again? Do you actually believe the promises he made, or do you see yourself just believing his words because that's what you want to hear?

Kitkat22 · Jul 6, 2010, 08:59 PM

Lena could you forgive him? I'm skeptical as to his motives. I think he knows you were strong enough to walk away and he is seeing his mistakes.

Counseling may help, but would he stick to it? You would be right back to square one. I'm sorry but I think you should just leave him alone.

vanheart · Jul 6, 2010, 09:02 PM

Exactly.

You are forgiving him once again.

Why?

Scared of no one else out there? C'mon.

Now you can discover the cool, respectful and loving people out there. One that's don't pull that stuff.

Don't waste any more time.

You can latch on to all the good memories you want to justify his actions. But...

This is all about respect to yourself. And dignity.
You haven't been getting any from this guy.

Hes just a habit you got to kick, that's all.

lena1024 · Jul 7, 2010, 12:14 AM

I know you're probably all right and maybe I should just walk away and let him go for good. But I know myself and if I do walk away, I'd always wonder if I made a mistake by not giving therapy a chance. I'd always regret what might've been if we'd given it a real chance. Isn't it possible that therapy could work? Sure, he may be telling me what I want to hear and maybe it will fail but isn't there just as much of a chance that this will work and maybe he HAS really changed? People can change! I did. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can pick yourself up and change your life for the better. Isn't it possible that this could be exactly what he needed to finally get the help he has needed for more than 30 years. He's finally willing to get help, that's a HUGE HUGE step for him. I know it's more than what he says that counts, it's what he does that counts but how am I going to know what he's willing to DO if I don't have him the chance. I've always said that if I do walk away from him I can at least hold my head high knowing that I did absolutely everything possible to make it work. I can't say that anymore can I? I'd have to give therapy a chance before I can say that.. He wasn't willing to do it before but he is now, isn't that worth something?