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jimseekinadvice · Jun 7, 2009, 04:15 PM

Update: the problem with the first time with no contact is that she initiated the contact with me.. and then continued to.. which gave me hope and all my feeling rushed back and that led to us seeing each other again.. this time I made it clear not to message me until she wants to work on us or I'll message her when I'm ready to be just friends. Day 3 since no contact version 2, and its been a lot easier the second time around. Part of me wants her to go to my sister's wedding though which is 20 days away because my sister only gets married once.. but then I'd be breaking the no contact.. thoughts?

chuff · Jun 7, 2009, 04:29 PM

Go to your sister's wedding alone. You sister gets married once and wants you to be as comfortable as possible at her ceremony. Speaking of which it's her ceremony, and her day, not yours so don't turn this into your day because you don't have a date.

AND the plus going to wedding as a newly single man is, all the girls see another girl get married and they all emotional and start thinking "I wish I had a guy" and that is where you might just have a good night without a date.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 13, 2009, 04:00 PM

Well its been over a week of no contact the second time around haha.. been trying to keep busy etc focusing on myself, catching up with some old friends, working. I'm not sure what else I can be doing.. . I feel though like the no contact is just creating more distance between us and I fear we'll just forget each other eventually. I guess a part of me still wants to reconcile and is in a bit of denial. On days alone I guess is when I ponder about us and what seems to be an easy fix. I wonder if talking it out with her would help? I'm always wondering if there was anything else I can do? It feels like no contact is like giving up and trying to forget. Such a emotional rollercoaster, some days are really good some days are really bad that I almost break no contact.

none12345 · Jun 13, 2009, 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

well its been over a week of no contact the second time around haha..been trying to keep busy etc focusing on myself, catching up with some old friends, working. im not sure what else i can be doing. ..I feel tho like the no contact is just creating more distance between us and I fear we'll just forget each other eventually. I guess a part of me still wants to reconcile and is in a bit of denial. On days alone i guess is when i ponder about us and what seems to be an easy fix. I wonder if talking it out with her would help? im always wondering if there was anything else i can do? it feels like no contact is like giving up and trying to forget. Such a emotional rollercoaster, some days are really good some days are really bad that i almost break no contact.

Can I ask you something?

Why are you in no contact?No contact is suppose to make you guys go separate

Ways and not bring you guys together. No contact is not used to get your ex but it is a chance to rebuild your life without her. Just disappear from her life man? It will get better but not anytime soon. It took me 3 months compared to one week, that's nothing. Now I'm completely over her although it still comes back from time to time.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 13, 2009, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

Can i ask you something?

Why are you in no contact?No contact is suppose to make you guys go separate

ways and not bring you guys together. No contact is not used to get your ex but it is a chance to rebuild your life without her. Just disappear from her life man? It will get better but not anytime soon. It took me 3 months compared to one week, thats nothing. Now im completely over her although it still comes back from time to time.

Yah I understand. Its to move on, let her go, and basically get your own life back. Just I guess some days I'm left pondering of what could have been. I guess that's normal and it will pass.

none12345 · Jun 13, 2009, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

yah i understand. its to move on, let her go, and basically get your own life back. Just i guess some days im left pondering of what could have been. I guess that's normal and it will pass.

mommy said there will be days like these. Lol I love that phrase =P

but yah I understand, I've been there myself. Keep yourself busy and work on being a more attractive person for the next girl that comes into your life.

Work out to be in shape and look good, study hard to get the brains and be a genius, and work on personality skills that attract.

By the time you finish those, I can almost guarantee you'll find someone else or maybe even half way into it.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 10:13 AM

Hello all, its been 2+weeks of complete no contact with my ex and about 2 months of the actual break up. So over the time I've really reflected on what I need to work on to improve on a relationship. For some reason I'm having this feeling that I need to tell my ex that I found these faults of myself in the relationship and really want to tell her that I'm working on them. I am not expecting her to take me back by any means, but for some reason I feel like I need her to know so I can get the so called "closure" that I did everything I could and then slip back into no contact. However, this entails breaking no contact which I guess makes me look weak? For some reason its really bugging me and it feels I'll regret it if I don't let her know. Anyone have the same problem?

chuff · Jun 20, 2009, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

hello all, its been 2+weeks of complete no contact with my ex and about 2 months of the actual break up. So over the time i've really reflected on what i need to work on to improve on a relationship. For some reason im having this feeling that i need to tell my ex that i found these faults of myself in the relationship and really want to tell her that im working on them. I am not expecting her to take me back by any means, but for some reason i feel like i need her to know so i can get the so called "closure" that i did everything i possibly could and then slip back into no contact. However, this entails breaking no contact which i guess makes me look weak? for some reason its really bugging me and it feels i'll regret it if i dont let her know. Anyone have the same problem?

You are not to break NC for any reason.

The reason you site is why you don't break NC. I think this comes up with everyone. We sense that we are improving or recognize where we could have done better and instead of being proud of that, we want to run to the other person and show them up for improving or hope they will give us one more shot. You say you are not expecting her to come back to you and I think you can logically say that, but emotionally you lie to yourself and really hope this is the outcome.

This is exactly why you must see NC through. NC forces the reality of the situation on you, where constantly running back to her... for any reason enforces the fantasy that it will improve. We tend to live in the past, because that's where we draw our current moments from. So your recent past involved sharing with her, and naturally you want to share improvements with her. But here's the thing. You get to be selfish now. Now your improvements belong to you. Not to her, not me, not to anybody. I'm happy to share in you new improvements but I'm also happy to share with you that it does not come from clarity but emotional blindness. We've all been in that blindness and can lead you out, but it's up to you to follow the directions which we are giving you. NC is towards clarity and being able to see fully, and she is towards misery, pain, and more blindness.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 11:11 AM

Yah, I can tell its kind of emotional blindness... the reasoning it seems is that if I tell her these few things I've improved on that I feel helped in causing the break up.. and since she seems confused to me teetering back and forth.. that it may push her to consider a second chance.. it may not.. but its like I did my best and that's all I can do and not ever have to look back again if that makes sense.. and I know after I tell her there should be no other reason to ever contact her again and it seems I'll be free and finally kill all hope. I worry if it's a cycle though haha.. that you think of something else etc etc and hope and hope and hope. But yah, I don't want to appear weak by breaking no contact.

chuff · Jun 20, 2009, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

yah, i can tell its kind of emotional blindness...the reasoning it seems is that if i tell her these few things i've improved on that i feel helped in causing the break up..and since she seems confused to me teetering back and forth..that it may push her to consider a second chance..it may not..but its like i did my best and that's all i can do and not ever have to look back again if that makes sense..

You did your best and she was not good enough for it. I'll repeat that. You did your best and she was not good enough for it. You gave her your time, energy, love, and trust. She's had her chance. She failed. I'll repeat that. She failed. Not you. Her. If you gave her that and she can't accept all that you gave her, she deserves to go find someone who treats her down on her level and you deserve someone that treats you up on your level.

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

and i know after i tell her there should be no other reason to ever contact her again and it seems i'll be free and finally kill all hope. I worry if its a cycle though haha..that you think of something else etc etc and hope and hope and hope. But yah, i dont want to appear weak by breaking no contact.

You want to kill all hope so you can say you ended it. The closure you seek is either control or power over the situation. The irony is you have that now and you don't see it. You have the strength to move on and you have the strength to not talk to her. There is an emotional pull in your life and you are winning don't give in, let your emotional strength win against emotional weakness.

paxe · Jun 20, 2009, 11:52 AM

People bind more when they do "emotional" activities. The more adventurous the better.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 11:54 AM

Thanks chuff... that makes sense.. I presume the same advice goes for issues you feel are just giant misunderstandings that I would want to clarify?

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 11:55 AM

paxe.. im not sure what your trying to get at?

paxe · Jun 20, 2009, 12:11 PM

Well, I haven't read all the comments but it seems you are on your way to try to gain her back. I strongly suggest you don't do that, but if you are still deciding on trying to win her back, people bond more easily when they pass though an emotional experience and the more there is adrenaline that kicks in the better. For example, if you brought her to the cinema, it would be fine, but not as bonding as if you brought her horse backriding. You see the difference between the two activities? Well it's that kind that will bring her back.

But why do you even want to go back with her? She is clearly stringing you along by answering you "she'll think about it". I've been there buddy and it will just make you hurt. Just close all communications and try to get over her. If she really wants you, she'll come begging for you but you should not think about it.

talaniman · Jun 20, 2009, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

thanks chuff...that makes sense..i presume the same advice goes for issues you feel are just giant misunderstandings that I would want to clarify?

Our emotions can make our minds play all kind of tricks on us. Sometimes its better not to think, but to be doing. Thinking too much, gets you no closer to the truth than not thinking at all.

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 12:29 PM

paxe, essentially what it seems is that she wanted to break up because we've lost our individual indentities, and ended up very dependent on each other, I think her plan was find our indentities and then get back together (this is my take on it). Some of these misunderstandings are what I feel made her contemplate the whole being too dependent and what I feel resulted in her getting scared on how serious the relationship got. I guess by clarifying certain things I feel it will reassure that some dependence on each other is not a bad thing. But as of right now it seems no contact is best haha.. I think this is what happens when your alone and some day of significance comes up haha ><

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 12:33 PM

Ahha yes.. damn these mind tricks.. guess all I really needed to do was vent out and now the feeling to contact her has passed thanks goodness

jimseekinadvice · Jun 20, 2009, 12:52 PM

And paxe, that's the problem in my mind "if she wants you, she'll come back" But that's why I feel the clarification of certain misunderstandings would help her decide that.. its like "here, have all the information in front of you and then fully decide for yourself what you want" is I guess what was going through my head.

paxe · Jun 20, 2009, 01:04 PM

Well again sorry to break it to you, but there is a huge difference between what she says and what she means. You are in no position to judge whether she wants to come back or not because you are too emotionally attached. It is much easier for her to move on when she knows you will be waiting. She has time to shop around. It may sound harsh but if she wanted to work things out she wouldn't have broken up with you. It's just doesn't make sense to break up with you and then go back to you once she became a bit more independent. Just don't think about it, you are doing a good job and try to let her go if you want to heal.

chuff · Jun 20, 2009, 01:49 PM

Originally Posted by jimseekinadvice

thanks chuff...that makes sense..i presume the same advice goes for issues you feel are just giant misunderstandings that I would want to clarify?

Absolutely. There is no reason to clarify them. You owe her nothing. Not an apology, not an explanation. Nothing.

Jim, I'll share with you a personal story. Several years ago I was dating a girl for about a year and out of nowhere she started backing off. One night, really late (like 1:30 am or something when I had been sleeping and she knew it) she calls and tells me she is has been dating someone else for the last 5 days, which you know didn't start 5 days prior. So I start to point some obvious flaws in her character and some words are exchanged and finally I say, "tell him to enjoy my leftovers" and I then hang up on her.

So now I'm up for a few hours letting this soak in and the following day I went on and off with myself about calling her to apologize for that last line. Now mind you, she cheated on me and dumped me and I wanted to apologize to her for one line. That's absurd... and mind you we are talking about me. But in my mind I was saying, well it's over but I need to go out on a high note and I let my emotions get the best of me and I don't want to disrespect what we had. It makes me sick to even think I thought like that. But that was me, lying to myself. I never talked to that skank again and I'm glad I didn't. She wasn't good enough for me.

But if I came to you on that day as I sat there debating to myself if I should call her and asked you what to do, you could see clearly what I really wanted wasn't to apologize. I was going to try and be nice and hope that by being nice she would somehow change her mind. That is where you at. You want her to like you and you want her to see you can do better... and you can can, and you are. But that positive change is yours. Not hers. She's not worthy of it. She had her chance to voice her opinion about what she'd like to see you change and she screwed it up. She's not on you level and you don't need to be brought down.