[trs22]

My boyfriend is amazing. He is smart, he is funny, he is handsome, he is educated, he is charming, and he knows it. He really is everything I hope for in a man. The problem is, he gets mad at me about EVERYTHING. We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He tends to bring up past arguments over and over again, and gets mad about the littlest things. When we argue he says really hurtful things. Tells me to stop talking, always tells me I'm not right for him if I can't make the changes he wants me to make ( like I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. And there better not be guys there. Also I'm not allowed to hang out with my gay best friend who I have known for 10 years because he is a guy... ) He says things in an argument that make me cry and cut me deep. He will ask me questions like "Tiffany, were you wrong, yes or no." if I try to explain my perspective he will cut me off and say "stop talking. YES, or NO. I don't want your explaination. A lot of times it's things i really don't feel should be a major issue. Like someone I know walks by while we are sitting at starbucks and i say hi for a second. This person was a man. I guess in saying hi, I am an untrustworthy attention starved little girl. That may be a direct quote. He really hurts me, and I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. Your tone hurts and the harsh things you say hurt. They stick with me for days, weeks even." he continues to do it anyways. I feel like when I am most vulnerable, he tells me I'm too much. Or what I'm doing isn't working for him. These words are so hurtful. It makes me feel like i'm not captivating, or alluring to him. I want to be the Beauty. I want to be admired for my heart, and my efforts, and pursued. Not reminded on a daily basis of every single time I've wronged him, or the many ways I evidently fail him. I made a frozen pizza one night and accidentily burned it and he was so mad at me. I immediately went to the store and bought a new one and made it, and he did apologize. That's the thing. He will hurt me, but then once he "wins" the argument, and I'm in tears or begging him to stay, he will relax, smoke a cigarette and then apologize and tell me how much he loves me. Then he goes on pretending nothing ever happened, until our next argument where he will bring up that argument, and every previous one where I was "wrong". It hurts. How can I soften him up. He's a military man, and very traditional. He is 28 and I am 23. We do not live together, though we stay most nights together. He stays at my apartment often.He is much more successful in his life thus far than I am, and he points this out to me often in little ways. (mind you he has 5 years on me, and his family really set him up for success. I am an orphan. Never had a dad, and my mom died when I was 15. Not really setting me up for success.) How do I get through to his heart in an argument. He is the sweetest most endearing man when he is happy, but whenever he is mad he is so hurtful... how do I bring out his tenderness??

[JoeCanada76]

Your in an extremely abusive situation.

The only way to get him to stop being angry is by ending this toxic relationship.

By walking out and ending it and saying its over, and over for good.

This is your only option unless you want to continue living in hell.

[Devorameira]

Your boyfriend is definitely abusive. Right now it’s verbal/emotional abuse, but could easily change to physical abuse.

It is possible for him to change but is it likely? NO! It takes years of therapy and commitment to change such ingrained behaviors. It can be beaten into him that it is bad behavior but getting him to actually change and not just have him pretend that he has changed are very different animals.

Emotional/verbal abuse wears away at your self-confidence and sense of self-worth. All the constant isolation (from family and friends), berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance" or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, you will lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Don’t allow him to do this to you. You really need to end this relationship NOW before it’s too late.

[J_9]

This is the beginning of a very volatile situation. This is the beginning of the circle of abuse. It's time to get out now before you have children tied into this relationship.

[Wondergirl]

He, not you, is the problem. Run, run as fast as you can and don't look back. You are worth diamonds and gold. I see that just from how you expressed yourself in your explanation of your situation. Treat yourself like the special gift you are.

[thadevilsadvocate]

I agree with the previous posts, although I think, even though you have spoken to him about how hurtful the things are that he says and does, I think you need to take the time and lay it out for him one last time and let him know that if that does change, you won't be around any longer.

This will comfort your mind, because you laid it all out there and gave him the ultimatum, regardless of what the result is. You will be able to feel like you did all that you could and that nothing was left in the dark.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this, and I'm guessing that he has never had to settle for not having things go his way, and has never had to really answer to anyone or face an ultimatum like this, therefore he feels that since you stick around through all of the insults and harmful words, that you will never leave.

That has to change, or you are done, and you have to stick to your guns. Good luck

[hungtoronto]

You got to stand up for yourself. I think the only way to do that is to end this relationship. He doesn't respect you and won't because you let him and it will get worse and worse. You got two choices, put up with it or get out. I would pick the latter if I were you.

I agree with the previous posts, although I think, even though you have spoken to him about how hurtful the things are that he says and does, I think you need to take the time and lay it out for him one last time and let him know that if that does change, you won't be around any longer.

This will comfort your mind, because you laid it all out there and gave him the ultimatum, regardless of what the end result is. You will be able to feel like you did all that you could and that nothing was left in the dark.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this, and I'm guessing that he has never had to settle for not having things go his way, and has never had to really answer to anyone or face an ultimatum like this, therefore he feels that since you stick around through all of the insults and harmful words, that you will never leave.

That has to change, or you are done, and you have to stick to your guns. good luck

I think once the respect is gone it's very hard to get it back. But it's worth a try, the op got nothing to lose.

[hheath541]

I think once the respect is gone it's very hard to get it back. But it's worth a try, the op got nothing to lose.

Unfortunately, she has a lot to lose. He could very easily turn violent if she confronts him directly, the way you suggested. Being that he's in the military, he's likely had training on how to cause the most pain in the least amount of time. She needs to cut and run.


t, you need to find the courage to leave him. You need to tell someone what he's like, then break up with him. Have friends stay at your house if you don't feel safe, or stay at theirs. File a restraining order against him. He's likely to get violent after you dump him. You just need to get out of this relationship.

Your story is very similar to another that was started here a couple days ago. Do me, and yourself, a favor, and go read it. There are things that were said there that I think you need to hear. I also think that reading her story will help you a lot.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-465438.html

[hungtoronto]

There's nothing to indicate that he violent and physically abuse her. She either leave or talk to him and hope he change. She got nothing to lose either way.

[J_9]

There's nothing to indicate that he violent and physically abuse her. She either leave or talk to him and hope he change. She got nothing to lose either way.

Actually there is a lot telling us that he is, or will become, violent. The fact that she has to report to him of her whereabouts is just one point. It seems that he is trying to distance her from her friends. This is just one of the steps before a relationship becomes violent.

[Wondergirl]

She either leave or talk to him and hope he change. She got nothing to lose either way.

She's been there and done that multiple times, but no changes (not lasting, at least). She's already lost her self esteem. What else should she risk losing -- her teeth? Her life?

[hheath541]

She's been there and done that multiple times, but no changes (not lasting, at least). She's already lost her self esteem. What else should she risk losing -- her teeth? her life?

The LEAST she will lose is her faith in humanity. The MINUTE he hits her, that will be gone.

If she tries to make him hear her out, or insists on pursuing a topic he doesn't like, then chances are that he WILL hit her. All the signs are there. All the red flags.

The scariest part, is that he has military training to back up his abuse. If he hits her, then it will likely hurt a lot more than if the average joe did so. Even if he uses an open hand, there's still a lot more muscle behind it than most people have.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Have we forgotten that the OP came to this site, which goes to show that she is not wanting to be done with the relationship just quite yet. If she was completely content with that decision, then she would have acted on that rather than coming here. Of course it is possible that he could physically abuse her, however, no more so than the possibility that it could have occurred at any point during the relationship.

Keep in mind that her question was, "How can I bring out his tenderness?", indicating that she is not content with just up and leaving. I completely agree that his treatment of her is unjust, cruel and controlling, however, she is wanting to know how to get to him, in order to see if he is going to open up and be kinder to her... thus, if she lays out the ultimatim for him, then she has made that attempt. That is the last step, and then she should know from that point forward that she should disconnect herself. If her question were, "should I get the heck out of here or what?", thus indicating that she is considering getting the heck out of dodge, then your guidance would be suitable.

[gtg231h]

I have been in a very similar situation. He was a military guy and older than me as well. You need to understand that walking away will be really really hard and that it may take more than one try (it took me like six or seven) but its something you have to do because it will never change and it will never get better. You need to believe that you deserve more, because you do. Everyone deserves to be loved the same way that they love. Period. When I finally left, I still cried all the time, called him, missed him, all of that. But I stayed with a very good friend (for almost the entire year) and she helped me and she never got fed up at hearing the same ole story. I owe her sooo much. And one day, I realized that I hadn't cried in a week... and that I didn't think about him every night as I was going to sleep anymore... and that I was happier the way I was now than I ever was when I was with him. Its been two years now and when I look back, it hurts me to see the way I let him treat me. You will realize that its not OK and that you don't want a life like that, no matter how happy you are when he's being nice. It will be one of the hardest things you do, and you will hurt really bad, but one day, you'll get better. And you'll thank God that you had the strength to walk away and demand the kind of life you really deserve.

[Gemini54]

I am so sorry for you, because you love this man.

He is smart, he is funny, he is handsome, he is educated, he is charming, and he knows it. He really is everything I hope for in a man. The problem is, he gets mad at me about EVERYTHING. We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day.

Sadly, he is a HUGE control freak. I'd like you to go to any website that describes narcissistic personality disorder and see if any of the behavior described sounds familiar. I'm not saying your BF has NPD, but I'm suggesting there are similar traits.

You must understand that it's not sustainable for you to be in relationship where your BF gets mad at you about everything. Be realistic... where does this leave you in terms of feeling comfortable, feeling confident, feeling independent and most importantly feeling love.

Someone that gets mad at you about everything and tries to control everythign you do leaves you in a constant state of anxiety so that you feel you're under siege. This isn't a relationship, it's a dictatorship.

If this man really had a heart you would have seen it by now, and I am unsure whether he has any tenderness to give you. You have already appealed to his heart...

I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. Your tone hurts and the harsh things you say hurt. They stick with me for days, weeks even." he continues to do it anyway. I feel like when I am most vulnerable, he tells me I'm too much. Or what I'm doing isn't working for him.

If he really cared about you, why would he continue to behave this way - to hurt you?

All I can suggest is that you both go to counselling. Perhaps this will be the litmus test in terms of what he is prepared to do for you.

Sadly, I suspect he believes that there is nothing wrong with him.

[JoeCanada76]

ACTUALLY, I have to disagree with a few posters here. Stating that because of military training its unlikely that he will be physically abusive. That is such a crock. Military training, training to be able to kill. Military training gives this person the upper hand in many ways including physical.

I can name many cases in the army where people have turned out to be rapists and murderers even though they wear that uniform and claim to protect our countries.

I am not saying that all of them are abusive but it is clearly in this case to be factually true.

[hungtoronto]

ACTUALLY, I have to disagree with a few posters here. Stating that because of military training its unlikely that he will be physically abusive. That is such a crock. Military training, training to be able to kill. Military training gives this person the upper hand in many ways including physical.

I can name many cases in the army where people have turned out to be rapists and murderers even though they wear that uniform and claim to protect our countries.

I am not saying that all of them are abusive but it is clearly in this case to be factually true.

There's no indication that he physically abuse her. That's the worse case scenario. Just because he's verbally abusive doesn't mean he'll become violent.


I can give you an example. Some managers are known to be verbally abusive, does that mean that they'll beat you up if you did something wrong? Of course not, at least not in North America. If you standup and talk back to the boss, the worse he'll do is fire you.

In this scenario, if she talk to him, the worse he'll do is end the relationship because he doesn't care but at least she get her dignity back.

[J_9]

There's no indication that he physically abuse her. That's the worse case scenario. Just because he's verbally abusive doesn't mean he'll become violent.


I can give you an example. Some managers are known to be verbally abusive, does that mean that they'll beat you up if you did something wrong? Of course not, at least not in North America. If you standup and talk back to the boss, the worse he'll do is fire you.

In this scenario, if she talk to him, the worse he'll do is end the relationship because he doesn't care but at least she get her dignity back.

How old are you hung? Do you have any training and background in abuse? I do. This is a volatile situation to say the least. She needs to get out now before it gets worse.

[hheath541]

There's no indication that he physically abuse her. That's the worse case scenario. Just because he's verbally abusive doesn't mean he'll become violent.


I can give you an example. Some managers are known to be verbally abusive, does that mean that they'll beat you up if you did something wrong? Of course not, at least not in North America. If you standup and talk back to the boss, the worse he'll do is fire you.

In this scenario, if she talk to him, the worse he'll do is end the relationship because he doesn't care but at least she get her dignity back.

No, the worse he'll do is beat her to a bloody pulp and send her to the emergency room.

The sad fact is that MOST verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling relationships evolve into physically abusive relationships.

You're assuming that because he hasn't hit her, that he won't. That's simply not true. He has ALL the hallmarks of a physically abusive partner. He just hasn't escalated to that point. Yet. Confronting him could very likely push him over the edge and to that point, and she will be the target.

[J_9]

Let me break this down for you all.

We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day.

red flag #1

When we argue he says really hurtful things.

One of the trademarks of an abuser. It starts with verbally hurting the partner before it escalates.

( like i'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. and there better not be guys there.

This is the beginning of the controlling and the isolating.

like i'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where.

Real partners don't control who their partner sees. ALLOW is not a word in the relationship dictionary.

He will ask me questions like "Tiffany, were you wrong, yes or no." if I try to explain my perspective he will cut me off and say "stop talking. YES, or NO. I don't want your explaination.

He is NOT her father. He has NO right to talk to her in this manner.

He will hurt me, but then once he "wins" the argument, and I'm in tears or begging him to stay, he will relax, smoke a cigarette and then apologize and tell me how much he loves me.

This is called the honeymoon cycle in the circle of abuse. Once this circle has run its course, the snowball starts rolling again, but this time it gains strength and speed.

Look at this website. It will give you more insight to exactly what is going on.

Domestic Violence-Cycle

I am trained in abuse. I know the signs to look for. This is a very serious situation and she does NOT need to confront him. She needs to get out NOW!