My Girlfriend's Sexual Past Hurts Me. Can You Help?
Hello all, and be warned that this post is rather lengthy. (apologies).
A year ago, I never ever ever thought I'd be the guy madly in love counting down days to a 2 month anniversary. I am very young, and possibly blind but I believe, and my girlfriend believes that we're both madly in love with each other. We talk about the future (like we even have a clue (she's 18, I'm 17)) and how many kids we'll have, what their names will be, and how we will be happy living in a cardboard box knowing we'll cuddle with each other that night and morning.
Sadly, I suffer from a slight depression/anger concoction sprung from my girlfriend's (in my opinion awful) past. She's a stand up christian, in a home with 1 sister, and both parents, all Christians. This information irks me because she lost her virginity to a guy (who was 19) at the age of 13. We talked about it, and how the guy really screwed with her head, and I feel selfish saying it but I'm not here for her. I used to get these AWFUL, PAINFUL, heart wrenching, and angering visions of what happened the day she lost her virginity.
I only knew the gist of it because it was painful for her to talk about, and she spared the details, but my brain wasn't so nice. I knew that the guy faked a note to get off the bus with her (highschoolers and middle schoolers rode the same bus in her district) and that she cried the entire time, she bled, and it hurt... and he finished on her face. (she admitted she thought she loved him, but she now knows she was 13 and only in love with the idea of being in love)
Soon after she lost it, a few days or so, the guy was distant, wouldn't talk to her, or sit with her on the bus anymore till they drifted apart. This caused her a great deal of emotional stress, and mental uncertainty about love/life in general. That's all I knew (until today). About that date.
About a week ago, I started getting visions, mental movies if you will, of what happened that day. My brain was cruel to me. It implemented gruesome, unforgiving details about the day it happened, that I can almost guarantee aren't even true. The visions filled me with agony, and depression. I more than anything in the world wished to be her first, but sadly this guy was. I see her taking off his clothes the same way we do each other. I see her making the same faces, and making the same noises she makes when I kiss her neck, only it's him. I can see her face, covered in this guy's seed, mixing with her tears, and I feel like she's been tainted. I feel like she's dirty forever, and defiled. I know she's not, I know she knows it's a mistake and wishes she could take it back, but I couldn't stop playing this painful movie over and over again in my head.
I didn't sleep for 2 days. I tried writing it down, to get it out of me, but it only made things worse. I tried burning that writing today to make it "gone forever", but no help. We talked about it, held each other and cried together, and she's so sorry for what she's done. I told her that it seemed like she'd been defiled, and she couldn't stop crying about it, and begging me not to see her that way. I never touched her, or saw her and thought she was defiled, but when I'm alone, and I think about it, she seems dirty, and poisoned sometimes.
Today I showed her my writings (before we burned them together) of what I envisioned happening that day. I begged her to tell me exactly what happened that day, tell me where it was, did you enjoy it, did he leave immediately, everything about it so my brain could have closure, and stop torturing me. This helped and worsened at the same time. While I did find out some of the cruel details I imagined weren't true (thank god), I found out about some that I didn't think of. When he came on her face, some was on her lip, and he instructed her to lick her lips to be sexy. She did so, and instead of spitting it out, she swallowed it. By her own choice she swallowed it.
I always thought that he was this awful person who viciously took her virginity, and left her, giving her life-long trauma, and pain. When she told me what really happened, in great detail (which was also very painful and depressing. Hearing her talk about another man "inside of her" made me force back tears) she made him out to be nice. She told me she got undressed, and he got on top of her. I'll omit the next part because it's a very fresh wound to me, and I don't want to type it but it was sexual intercourse. She told me he said he would take care of her. She told me about him getting a rag to wipe the seed from her face, and kissing her afterwards.
Normally this would make me happy, that her past wasn't as bad as I thought, it was a dumb teenager TRYING to be a gentleman (even though she was 13) but it didn't. I was even more depressed, and hurt by the idea of another man being caring, and gentle toward her. One night when we were drunk, she told me his last name. (this was a big deal because I've practiced mixed martial arts for four years, and she was afraid I would hurt the guy if I knew him) and it turns out I knew him. I was quite fond of him ALL of last year to be exact. I hated him then because of his demeanor towards everything, his awful attitude, and his low amount of respect for everything. He lives 30 seconds from my house.
When she told me I jumped up because I knew him and she begged me not to say anything, and I haven't yet. Before she told me all the details earlier today, we were having sex, and she stopped "enjoying" it per say, and she got off me, looked me in the eye with pain, tear filled eyes and told me she wasn't defiled. Her head fell on my chest and we cried together for the next hour, and she said she was so sorry, this was never supposed to be my burden, I'm so good to her and I don't deserve this. She cried on my chest, and told me she was afraid that I thought that every time I touched her, or saw her. (which I didn't I had only thought of it that way alone at times) While we were crying, I became beyond infuriated, and wanted more than anything to give this guy what he deserves. (Thank you to all who have read this far)
I suppose the reason for my registration, and thread were to have these answers.
A. How do I deal with her awful past without becoming depressed?
B. How do I get these terrible images of her licking another mans seed off her lips, and consciously choosing to swallow it out of my head?
C. How can I let her know that I never have, and never will see her as tainted or defiled after I basically told her I thought of her that way when I'm alone sometimes (which probably makes me the worst person ever)?
D. What should I do about the guy who has caused me, and the love of my life a great deal of emotional pain, when all I WANT to do is beat him nearly to death and finish on his face to see if he likes it more than her?
E. How do I keep this pain from being a barrier from loving her unconditionally?
