Entire story merged

I have just read this... amazing when something happens, you Google for advice etc...
Well my story... I'm 35 my gf/ex is 23... we have been going out for 2.5 years, living together for most of this. Anyhow... all was good, until I got fed-up after 9 months... I was distant and cold... and was like this for 2 months... I felt I wanted freedom.. so she left me... well... it was so pianful... I begged her to come back and she would not... I must have cried down the phone for days... I did it, because I knew she loved me... anyhow I knew where she hung out and went there one evening and say her with a guy... I felt sick... never had a feeling like that before... to see my beautiful princess with someone else... they were supposedly friends, she was down and to make herself feel better invited this guy over from Italy... anyhow more on this later... but after a few more days, she came back to me... and things were great again for a while...
She has her place and I have mine... then my mum came to stay with me for 6 months... so I felt I had to spend my time between 2 apartments... this was tiring... and I ended up staying more at mine... well this did not go down well.. and she became more difficult... we started to argue more.. she then at one point in a heated argument told me she kissed that guy when we were not together... I felt I had been hit by a bus... she cried and apologised and because I loved her said fine... but my annoyance was for 2 reasons... she had no right to tell me, but also we were talking on the phone a lot and she knew she was coming back, and in fact she came back 2 days after the kiss... ok we were not together, but we were in a way... took a few weeks to heal... but I stuck with it but then I began to miss the single life... anyhow my mum went back and she moved back to mine... things were fine again... but the arguments were still present... she was going on holiday back to Italy, and I was due to join her... but I declined, lost money on my ticket... but I had a dose of being single to see if I wanted the single life or not... she was hurt, especially when I said "stupidly" it's not working... I then again had regrets... and she seemed fine... the day that she was due to come home she called and said she will stay an extra week... that's when things changed... she became colder, more distant... she then texted me saying that she has been thinking and does not feel she wants to try anymore... she would not listen to me...
She got back yesterday and I went to see her... it's so difficult to be with someone, but be different with them, not being loving... I wanted to hold her, but was scared that the feelings she would have would not be the same... she said that something has changed and she does not love me to the same extent... I, a 35 year old man, cried like a baby... I just feel I have ruined everything... end of the day, I caused this... I tried to reason with her, as I can't believe love can become significantly less so suddenly... because she was my everything and I hers... I have lost 5kgs in the past few weeks, which is not a bad thing... but I'm destroyed... I went out partying and was not interested in anything...
I suppose this is the regret phase, where I feel emptiness etc... but it really is difficult. Reading this article helps a lot.

I'm due to go to a councillor with her tonight... I think she wants out, but it's not 100%... hoping the councillor might help me out... I think her mum influenced her decision...

But the problem is also that the issues that cause the unhappiness will no doubt arise... unless I can compromise more... I have been difficult...
Anyway, I just feel so weak and I should be stronger at my age...

Needed to get this off my chest... but wow.. the pain!

Yes the pain. All the mistakes we made. But so did/do they. It sounds like a volatile relationship.I think you
Both need time apart now.
The first weeks are rough

Good vent my friend. Welcome to AMHD! It's hard to let go of something that you love, but it isn't rational to keep hold of something that clearly isn't working. Sometimes you just have to let go and hope for the best and also you need to figure out how to maintain a healthy balance between your life and a relationship.

That is quite the ordeal, mainly brought on by your own immaturity. You want the 'single life' until you have it, then you want your relationship, yet you don't know how to value it.

Your girlfriend is quite a bit younger and seems a lot more emotional stable. Your clingy behavior is only going to further the wedge that you have between you. I believe that she could do better than someone who is with her and wanting to be single. You are playing games at 35 years old. The break up that you regret, so you have to cling to test and see if she will return to you, then you aren't happy again.

I would suggest counseling for you, not couples therapy. You have fear of abandonment issues and codependency issues. Please reevaluate this relationship because until you are stable and secure with yourself, you can never make a beneficially partner to another person.

I realised something... wish I had realised it earlier... I always complained she was moody... I now know why... she is sensitive and because she loves/loved me so much, it would make her moody when I did something that she would interpret as not loving...

Why when we want to break-up we focus on the negatives... but when it's done we focus on the positives...

So confused... I feel if I give her time... then she may get used to being away from me and the flame will vanish...

We are going to a councillor tonight... for 1 hour... I feel if she still does not want to come back, I'll take a week of holiday from work and fly to LA (I am in London) and stay with my mum and cousins... as I feel bad here... not eating well, feel sick all the time... sitting at work and thinking of her and my eyes swell up...

What hurts the most is that I could have avoided this... perhaps it's for the best as everyone tells me... but I just can't see it...

Is this your first relationship? Just seems to me you have zero clue what you really want. Breaking up with someone to be "single" and yet expecting the other person to wait around for you is pretty lame. Justy is right, you need to get some help for your own sanity.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

That is quite the ordeal, mainly brought on by your own immaturity. You want the 'single life' until you have it, then you want your relationship, yet you don't know how to value it.

Your girlfriend is quite a bit younger and seems alot more emotional stable. Your clingy behavior is only going to further the wedge that you have between you. I believe that she could do better than someone who is with her and wanting to be single. You are playing games at 35 years old. The break up that you regret, so you have to cling to test and see if she will return to you, then you aren't happy again.

I would suggest counseling for you, not couples therapy. You have fear of abandonment issues and codependency issues. Please reevaluate this relationship because until you are stable and secure with yourself, you can never make a beneficially partner to another person.

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You are absolutely right... I have been immature... I know... I am 35 and I should be acting and behaving better! I am not a bad person, in the 2.5 years that we have been together, I have looked after her (not talking about finances) been there for her... like she has for me...

I have been going through my mind with this for a long time... why have I behaved like this... if she comes back... will it turn to the same unhappiness after 6 months... I wish I could answer the questions... I don't know.

Fear of abandonment - don't think so, I have been living a bachelor life for a long time... I have had relationships 1 year, 1year, 2 years and 2.5 years... the first one did not work out, the 2nd one she was not good for me, I was sponsoring her... she was in it for the companionship but did not contribute... it was fun, but it had to end... the 3rd was a long distance one... and now this one... the most meanigful. I have been very happy on my own... perhaps I am scared of not finding someone who will love me the way she does/did.

Don't get me wrong, we don't argue all the time, just petty things of late... we have had many more happy times...

Believe me, I wish I knew what the problems are... I want to fix them.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Is this your first relationship? Just seems to me you have zero clue what you really want. Breaking up with someone to be "single" and yet expecting the other person to wait around for you is pretty lame. Justy is right, you need to get some help for your own sanity.

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Not the first...

You are right... but we have been together for 2.5 years... and honestly, I would say at least 1.5 years of this has been blissfully happy, 0.5 normal and 0.5 niggly, petty issues...

I made a huge mistake... and I'm paying for it... but I feel that she is more scared that I won't change, and that has stoppped her love possibly... but you know what, when she came back the first time... I did not repeat the things that were causing problems... I worked on them and I did change... and I know the issues now and I can work on them... I'm really not a bad guy... just naïve sometimes and make stupid mistakes... I know I should be better at my age... but I'm really trying

Since you say that, it may be more a fear of commitment.
When you are committed to a relationship, you panic, feel restless, need out.
Once out, you panic, feel abandoned, want it back.

Either way, you do need counseling for yourself. You sound emotionally out of control.
That doesn't mean that the relationship itself was toxic, you are causing your own toxicity in the relationship and she is paying for it.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Since you say that, it may be more a fear of commitment.
When you are committed to a relationship, you panic, feel restless, need out.
Once out, you panic, feel abandoned, want it back.

Either way, you do need counseling for yourself. You sound emotionally out of control.
That doesn't mean that the relationship itself was toxic, you are causing your own toxicity in the relationship and she is paying for it.

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That seems better... I am causing the problems... not saying she is perfect... but its more me... I admit..

Commitment... again, possibly or probably...

I never thought I would be emotionally out of control... don't know why I am, if it is the case... always thought I was pretty normal... but you could be right...

I'm prepared to work at it... and to be honest, I feel I get better every year...

I just feel, right now, that I want her back... I appreciate your comments and these latest ones are more accurate...

I'm petrified what the councillor will say tonight...

Just know that counseling is a lot easier because they aren't sifting through emotional dust, they can stand clear of the turmoil and give an unbiased assessment of the root causes.

If you are willing to continue to work on yourself and grow as a person.
As a loving female, she will probably continue to love and support you through this.
Start with a one day at a time approach, it may help your panic symptoms also.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Just know that counseling is alot easier because they aren't sifting through emotional dust, they can stand clear of the turmoil and give an unbiased assessment of the root causes.

If you are willing to continue to work on yourself and grow as a person.
As a loving female, she will probably continue to love and support you through this.
Start with a one day at a time approach, it may help your panic symptoms also.

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That's the reason I am doing this... I want an unbiased opinion and also maybe it will help her see how I feel... it might verify that we are not meant to be together... or it might show that it can work... I am going into it with an open mind...

Going now... so will let you know tomorrow how it went... I have butterflies in my stomach, so nervous...

See you all tomorrow.

Good luck and blessings to you.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Good luck and blessings to you.

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Thank you... it was an interesting session, the councillor... I kind of went into it a little naïve, in the sense that if the councillor saw how sad I was and how much I wanted my girlfriend back, she would say... yeah... give him another shot... it was quite sobering hearing all the issues we had, mainly described by my girlfriend... it was funny... I was potraying all the positive and nice things, she was potraying all the negative things... it was really fighting a losing battle... I suppose I mentioned that I would like to try, to compromise etc... but then the response I would get was, well why now... it had to come to this... you can't change etc...

The councillor did say that we are at a crossroads and we should talk ourselves, see her again... and not to make any rash decisions... even though she may have made it... but it was funny... we drove to my place, as her car was parked outside my flat, while she was away and her car keys, work bag was also in my flat... but instead of taking all her things, she just took the car keys and work bag...

We said we can have dinner tonight and talk... I have a feeling she will change her mind... who knows...

My problem is that I am an optimist, not a realist... I cling on to any thread of hope...

I did cry a lot yesterday in front of the councillor and then in front of my girlfriend... but it was really strange... after she left... something happened... I suddenly felt so much better, I suddenly felt indifferent... perhaps it's a moment... perhaps I feel I have a chance, perhaps I feel she will regret this and want to come back...

Love is so blind... amazing that I can't see any of her faults right now... all my friends are telling me to forget it, you have what you initially wanted... my mum, cousins, friends.. everyone... but I just don't see it yet...

She wants space, which I am reluctant about as I feel it will make any flame that is still there to go out...

If people are interested in any updates... it's just nice to be able to get this off my chest, sorry for the rant!

My understanding of fear of abandonment
Sounds exactly like what your doing.
Constantly finding faults to test the relationship
To validate your fear that she's going to leave
You.

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Originally Posted by zippit

my understanding of fear of abandonment
sounds exactly like what your doing.
constantly finding faults to test the relationship
to validate your fear that shes going to leave
you.

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We spoke about this with the councillor... I don't believe I have fear of abandonment... honestly... I have been very happy being single for years and been very happy in this relationship... even if her decision is final, I know I will be back to my normal happy self... eventually, perhaps in a month, perhaps in 3 months... who knows... but it's not fear of abandonment... I was never scared of her leaving me... only if I pushed her away... and I did it once, by accident... which I was forgiven for and that kind of behaviour was not repeated... I said to her when she took me back that I would not behave like that again, and I have not... If there is a fault within me, and I can rectify it, then I will... I am always trying to improve myself, and with every relationship I have gotten better and more mature... still a long way to go...

Quote:

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She wants space, which I am reluctant about as I feel it will make any flame that is still there to go out...

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There is a saying and I will most likely mess this up horribly, but bear with me.
If you squeeze a handful of sand it will slip through your fingers but if you cup it gently it will stay.
If you try to hold on to her too tight when she is asking for space she will run from it.
You can't worry about the flame going out.You need to respect her wishes.
Clingy and needy is never a welcome or pleasant trait.In fact it is very off putting.

Well is it the you just get in a rut and start craving single life?
For me I hated being single I wasn't good at it
Lonely,broke not for me.
You may just suffer from a lack of gratitude,
Having someone in your life is a gift.

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Originally Posted by artlady

There is a saying and I will most likely mess this up horribly, but bear with me.
If you squeeze a handful of sand it will slip through your fingers but if you cup it gently it will stay.
If you try to hold on to her too tight when she is asking for space she will run from it.
You can't worry about the flame going out.You need to respect her wishes.
Clingy and needy is never a welcome or pleasant trait.In fact it is very off putting.

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I was prepared to do this... but it appears that she wants to talk about things... I think she wants to see why they have gone wrong... which is great... I think we both realise that there are problems... so we are going to talk about them ourselves and see a councillor as well... as I said to her, even though I want you back, there is no point until we see what the real problems are...

To be honest , I feel much better today... almost as if something has changed in me... so let's see how it goes...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by zippit

well is it the you just get in a rut and start craving single life?
for me i hated being single i wasnt good at it
lonely,broke not for me.
you may just suffer from a lack of gratitude,
having someone in your life is a gift.

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It must have been... I was missing some space... she wanted to do everything with me, even going for 30 minute shop along the high street... if I said, no I'm tired, want to watch this etc.. she would get sad as she probably thought it was a sign that I am not interested... remember I am 35, she is 23/24...

I enjoyed being single, but after a while it get's boring... but have no problem being single...

I did not appreciate her enough, but then there is always a reason... hopefully we will find the reasons out over the coming weeks... but I feel much stronger these days... end of the day I instigated all of this... so there are issues