He wants to hug and kiss all the time, but I don't!
Hello!
Some background is needed, but I don't want to make the entry toooo long.
The summer before my freshman year in high school I was raped by a acquaintance that was a senior at my same high school. I never reported it to the police and up until about a year ago, the only people who knew were the guy that did it, and two friends that came in and helped me. I just now finished my freshman year in college and I have now shared the incident with a female mentor and my boyfriend of 5 months. After it happened I developed a strong fear and disgust with men, I didn't want to be touched by ANY male and I avoided drawing male attention to myself (baggy clothes, sports bras, no makeup). It caused a lot of problems with my family as I didn't want even my father or brother to hug me and they asked me on more than one occasion if I had been sexually assaulted. I always denied it. I went on dates with a couple of very persistent guys in high school, and there was one that I was crazy about, but my barriers always caused things to end.
Now I am in a relationship with an incredibly caring, sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, hardworking guy who thinks I am the most amazing person in the world... but I am messing it up! He is 25 and has always dated women ages 28-35. He didn't pressure me to have sex, but I wanted to and he is the first guy I chose to have sex with. But I did it more for him than for me. I care about him a lot and I trust him, but I just don't like to be affectionate. I do enjoy sex, but not the whole cuddling and kissing my neck, etc that comes with it. I don't know if it is just the way I was born (to not be affectionate) or if I am subconsciously trying to push him away or something. But he thrives on hugging, kissing, cuddling, spooning, massaging, etc. And we keep having the same fight over and over again. He gets angry that I don't want to be touched all the time. I know he is not wrong to want to hug me, but am I supposed to just pretend I enjoy it? I keep telling him it is not a reflection of how I feel, its just programmed into me.
So the question is...
What should I do? Just clench my teeth and be all cuddly?
Is it in people's genetic makeup to not be touchy feely, or is this some subconscious way of telling me that I don't like him?
Does he have the right to keep getting angry with me? Should we just break up?
Thanks for any input! I feel like I have the emotional development of a 13 year old because of so many years of barely interacting with males and this being my first "real" relationship.