Ask Me Help Desk - Ex girlfriend

My ex girlfriend and I, broke up about 2 months ago. Since then we still talk daily, mainly because of me. I want to be with her, and have told her that. Also I have told her that I realise the mistakes that I made in the past, and I do. She is talking, or getting ready to start dating another man. I want to change, and not just for her but for me I was far from a perfect boyfriend, and I'm surprised she stayed with me for 4 years. I've told her how I feel about her, but I messed things up so bad she doen't want to have anything todo with me, and it tears me down to know that another guy is going to be dating her now. What should I do? How can I make things rite? I believe if I was giving one more change, knowing what I know now I could do things rite.

Rememeber the saying ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS. If you were giving more then one chance you can say all you want but there's nothing you can say that is going to make her believe you. Now its time to start proving that to her. But you deff started the saying out right, you don't want to just change for her you want to change for you. Because you will never change if its not for yourself. What went wrong in the relationship? If you don't mind me asking. 4years is a very long time to be with some one. But if you love her that much don't give up. Keep on trying and always follow your heart!

I would say to be brutally honest you probably dug yourself a grave. When you say that your weren't the perfect boyfriend and you're surprised you atayed with her, you are obviously admitting to your faults, but because you were like this is your relationship (to me) the likely hood of you getting her back is slim to none, simply because (the way she is probably thinking... ) "He wasn't that great of a boyfriend then, what has changed now?" and like the previous comment you telling her will not prove anything to her. Only time will tell. But if she does end up going with this other guy I would strongly suggest against tellling her these feelings because if she's a good girlfriend she will push you away so she can focus on her boyfriend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ryan00

My ex girlfriend and I, broke up about 2 months ago. Since then we still talk daily, mainly because of me. I want to be with her, and have told her that. Also I have told her that I realise the mistakes that I made in the past, and I do. She is talking, or geting ready to start dating another man. I want to change, and not just for her but for me I was far from a perfect boyfriend, and i'm surprised she stayed with me for 4 years. I've told her how I feel about her, but I messed things up so bad she doen't want to have anything todo with me, and it tears me down to know that another guy is going to be dating her now. What should I do? How can I make things rite? I believe if I was givin one more change, knowing what I know now I could do things rite.

You are being way too hard on yourself. Things do happen. I myself am in a weird situation with my boyfriend but it's all together different. Unless she's willing to listen and really truly believes you can set things straight or change, I'm afraid you have no choice but to accept it as it is and move on. I'm learning too that things are not easy these days where relationships are concerned. Whatever you did, make sure you find forgiveness in yourself around it. Beating yourself up about it provides nothing. Look, we all make mistakes and stuff. I've had guys just stop calling me all together or take my current situation... I've been dating a married guy (uggh) and what a surprise... he wants to stay married and I feel rejected. So you are not the only one who " makes mistakes " as you call them. If nothing else, honor her decision (as I have to) and move on. We always think we can't find anyone else. I know I deal with that all the time. But if you feel that there is something still there, then write a letter to her. Sometimes that helps. There's the old fashion way by sending flowers. I really don't know what specifically you did but if she's hurt guy, she's hurt. Learn from the experience and take it one day at a time. Remember, you are not alone. We all walk together at some point. Last thing I'll say is, is that if you do try to get back with her, realize it might take lots of your energy and a high level of integrity to prove yourself again. Do things respectfully and don't stalk or disrespect her.

Don't ever think that the relationship ended because of you. You can't clap by one hand.. similarly relationships are not broken by one person. Both persons needs to be understanding. You need your life to move on. If she loves you or cares about you, then she will probably come back... otherwise she was never yours. I understand your feeling brother.. 4 years is a long time. But believe me, time is the biggest medicine. If you keep going behind her, she will think that you need her more than she do.. and then she will treat you like trash. She don't deserve you. Don't ever let her treat you like this. Wait sometime, if there is no sign of her coming back... remove all her belongings from your house. Burn all her pictures.. and get busy with other things. Don't meet her everyday.. just hi-bye. And flirt with other girls. Flirting with other girls may not seem right to you.. but it is a good way to forget her... so all the best buddy and I know you will be with someone better soon :)

It's always hard when you manage to change too late. The same thing happened with me and my ex, but you have to ask yourself the question: Why didn't you change back then?

The answer is usually that you didn't want to. You felt safe that you had this person here right then and you weren't worried about losing her, so you didn't want to change. What you're feeling now hurts, naturally it does, and you're saying now that you want to change in order to be with her, you have to realize that this is most likely a train of thoughts led on simply by the fact that you miss her, and once the two of you would date steady again (if she would take you back) you'd most likely change back to your old ways.

It sucks, believe me I know it, but there's not much you can do about it and your ex is most likely going to be seeing this other guy and the only thing you can really do is move on with your life and forget about her. Even if you really really have changed, the chances of her ever wanting to even get to know this "new you" are slim to none.

Sorry dude... but it seems like she is way past coming back to you if you do change.

My advice would be just like u said, change for yourself, not for her, and be the best guy u can be... for the next girl you are with.

I know its hard to do, but maybe she was put in your life for a reason, not so that you'll be with her, but so that you'll learn to be a better man for the next girl. Use this as a learning experience.

Try your best to be a better man, and you can look back in this relationship and realize how important it was to your personal growth. All the best

Quote:

Originally Posted by Molecular

It's always hard when you manage to change too late. The same thing happened with me and my ex, but you have to ask yourself the question: Why didn't you change back then?

The answer is usually that you didn't want to. You felt safe that you had this person here right then and you weren't worried about losing her, so you didn't want to change. What you're feeling now hurts, naturally it does, and you're saying now that you want to change in order to be with her, you have to realize that this is most likely a train of thoughts led on simply by the fact that you miss her, and once the two of you would date steady again (if she would take you back) you'd most likely change back to your old ways.

Yes, this is so true. I realized I was a jerk with my ex-girlfriend while I was with her, and I truly did want to change, but I really didn't know how. Was I going to wake up one morning and be a different person than the one she knew? Impossible.

In the end, I came to realize that we just aren't right for one another. We both brought out the worst in each other, and it didn't happen over time, in retrospect, we probably should have never have dated in the first place.

But I did learn that the only thing you can do in situation like that is to have time apart and alone, which essentially means a break-up. After that, time will tell.

I recently said this to a buddy of mine so it's fresh in my brain... I could tell you to move on, but after four years do you really know what that entails? Everyone's different, but a universal cure for any hardship is goal-setting in both the short-term and long-term. Everyone has goals, recognize your goals and write them down, make the objective as clear as day so you can formulate a plan on how to accomplish them. Once you nail one, have another one ready to go, but always have that one that's way out in the distance, that one to always work towards so you won’t lose faith. Think of it as a beacon to keep you on track. It's a huge confidence booster, and that's what healing from a break-up really is, repairing a shattered ego and rebuilding confidence. This is positive thinking.

Inundating yourself with thoughts like, "will she want to date me again?" is hope, it's out of your control. Learn to recognize the difference between the two.

So, making things right with you and your girl? It's not a priority anymore; it's a road-block, a hindrance to achieving your goals.

Thanks mates, your comments made me feel better.