My boyfriend of 4 years, wants to leave me because he is not sure if he loves me anymore, and want to experience other women. We have had issues and resolved them but he says they changed the way he felt about me and our relationship. I'm thinking that all we need is a break to see how we feel about our relationship and hopefully he'll realize what we had is worth fighting for.

I think that if his feelings have changed it is better to go your separate ways. It is better than trying to force yourselves to stay together and allowing the negative emotions to build.

I think you could probably use time to yourself to make certain you still feel about the relationship the way you think you do. Sometimes when we go through issues, our feelings change, but we are so focused on holding on that we miss the signs.

Take some time for yourself. See if perhaps you aren't holding on to a dream instead him.

I do not recommend 'breaks' because they do not allow the individuals to truly heal and move forward from the past. Plus they give the impression that the couple is still in a committed relationship when they aren't. A complete 'break up' means that there can be no accusations of cheating if/when either/both people go out with others.

Even if someday in the future you do get back together, you both need to remember that the relationship will never be as it was. If you try again, it should be by rebuilding from the ground up. You are already different people than you were four years ago. Allow yourself to see him as he is today not as you want him to be or as he was when you began your relationship. Acknowledge the changes in yourself. Make certain you know who you are and what you want without influence from someone else.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Take him at his word and let him go exploring. Maybe its time you did some exploring yourself. Make this a break up, NOT just a break for both your sakes.

Thank you for responding. He agreed to go on a 2 week NO CONTACT break as of today to see if time apart from our relationship will change how he feels about our relationship. As we have been together for so long (4 1/2yrs)he needs a break/space to get a perspective on the relationship and think over if he definitely wants end the relationship. He thinks all the issues and fights we have had, have eaten away at our love and he doesn't feel the way he did at the beginning of the relationship, but I thought that the initial love/excitement/bliss you feel at the beginning of a relationship is just something you feel at the first stage of a relationship and overtime that love/excitement/bliss fades into just... love...

This NO CONTACT is going to be hard. We speak every day.. he is my best friend, I don't know how I will resist calling him just to see how he is.

My boyfriend of 4.5 yrs has gone on a 2 week no contact break since yesterday and I really can't stop myself from thinking about him... and the possibility of it being over in 2 weeks. I really just want to see or call him I miss him and can't resist it contacting him. What do I do to stop myself from breaking the no contact rule him? Or feeling this way?

Mia,
What is the purpose of this 2 week no contact break? And who came up with it? Was this something you both initiated?
Now, to having a bit of alone time... this might actually be a chance to concentrate on yourself to find out why it is so hard for you to be on your own.
If you feel the urge to contact your guy, instead of texting or calling, write in a blank book - kind of diary style - all the things you want to tell him. After two weeks, you can decide if you want to share the notes or not. This might help you figure out why it is so hard for you.

It is not going to be easy, but you can and must do it.
Why are you going on a two week break?

Hi Homegirl 50, we are going on a break because he doesn't know if he wants the relationship anymore and was going to end things. He feels as though his feelings have changed and time apart will prove if its just a temporary thing or just how he feels. As after 4 1/2 yrs together things become too familiar he said ''i'm 23yrs and I'm not getting any younger and I think its time to try other relationships as I don't know if our relationship is the 'one' or if your right for me as you are my first girlfriend/relationship and I want to see if anyone is better suited plus he wants to live his life without thinking about anyone'' But the thing is we get on so well... this ending feels so forced... why throw away a good relationship over this it seems so irrational. If I wasn't the 'one' would't he be attracted to other women as he says he isn't? Sooo confused... help :-(

How would you suggest resisting calling him... its so hard as I slipped up today and called him, which I regret! Because now I feel worse! :-(

Swiss_Ms.B thank you I think I will do that... I guess it will help me resist the urge to send him messages telling him how much I miss him or want him to stay. Which I know is the wrong thing to do! As I'm just putting him under pressure... which will ultimately drive him away. Just have to stick to my guns... take every day as it comes... I'll check in here every day to update you both.

Sounds like he wants to be single and is giving you a timetable to soften it.
Leave him alone. Move on with your life as if you to are broke, up not taking a break. I would imagine it is what he is doing. Don't contact him. It will be hard and will take time but as time passes and you find other outlets in your life, it will get easier.

I think that's what I plan to do... treat it like a break up... but I do still have some hope. Or is having hope only going to cause me more pain? He seems very lost he says he doesn't know who he is anymore or what he wants.

Spare yourself the pain. Just go on as if he is gone, because he really is.

Mia, you explained that your boyfriends feelings have changed. This is not something that happens overnight. I agree with Homegirl 50 about your boyfriend wanting to ease the breakup... easy for him, that is! Maybe you have been getting on so well because he hasn't had the heart to tell you what he has been contemplating for a long time. Maybe your relationship isn't as good as you think. The contact break should have been a mutual decision, it doesn't really sound like you wanted it. In all the years you were together, did you ever have arguments, did both of you ever speak about your wishes and doubts? Aren't you at all angry about your current situation?

He thinks that any issues and fights we have had and resolved, have eaten away at our relationship and he doesn't feel the way he did at the beginning of the relationship. He is not a very forgiving person with anyone... really, he usually cuts people off if they upset him which I don't think that is the way to be in life as no one is perfect and people make mistakes that's part of life.I suggested No contact to give him respect and space even though its hard for me. I am more hurt by what he said than angry I feel like I am disposable to him now its hurtful to hear. He even said if we break up he may come back to me if he regrets his decision or if the other relationships aren't as good as ours. Now that made me angry as I am not ever going to be someone's back up! I'll never look back... especially if he dates/sleeps with other people. Am I right in saying this is out of order?

What he has said is enough for me not to want him back. In essence what he is saying is he'll consider taking you back if things don't work for him. That is very selfish and it makes you an option. You don't want to have your heart belong to anyone for whom you are an option.
I would leave him completely alone.

Homegirl 50 your probably right... in my head I know that what he said is sooo... harsh and selfish. Even though he wants to explore... he gets extremely agitated and jealous and doesn't like me seeing (as friends) or speaking to other guys. As he always thinks they are interested in me... even after he told me how he felt about our relationship (Break) he said he doesn't want me to see or talk to any of my guy friends as he thinks they'll take advantage! How can he say this if he doesn't think he wants the relationship any more!

You are absolutely right! I think you already know how the story ends... obviously YOU should be the one telling him that you deserve better and that he can go where the sun doesn't shine.
Girl, I think you have a very strong sense of what is right and what is sooo wrong. Even if you feel confused, I think a part of you knows exactly what you need to do to stay mentally healthy in this situation. I wish you much strength to listen to your healthy self.

Your totally right... I think my feelings are overcrowding the logical thoughts. I'll take every day 1 step at a time. I know some days, I will feel like not getting out of bed, or eating but I understand that I need to move on... and not wait for him anymore. He broke my heart now... so who is to say he won't again 2months down the line if we continue the relationship. Plus I don't think it will ever (feel) the same or be the same after all the things he said to me... I'll always feel like he doesn't really... want to be with me if he stays and that will always be in the back of my mind overcasting me ever being happy in the relationship again.

So here I go... Day 1 of the BREAK UP not BREAK.

Do you think it would be a good idea to stay friends after 2 week of NC even though he hurt me or will it make it worse ?

My advice: Do not stay friends! It is too tempting to fall back into old patterns... read what you wrote at the beginning... "good relationship"... do you still see it as good. That is your old self, the one that is clinging on. Far down the line, when you have gone through grieving your loss - which you no doubt will have to go through, to let go and find yourself again - you might be able to be friends with him again. I would only do it when you are at the point you can say 'Breaking up with him was the best thing that happened to me, because look at where I am now'! Be strong!

Swiss_Ms.B thanks I am seeing now that it wasn't necessarily 'good'... anymore.
Me wanting to fix things and make them get back to the way they were, before,is what is making me think of it as a 'good relationship' as all I see is the good side. That is the type of person I am. I focus on the positive things in life... not the negative and he thinks of all the negative things in life. I think that is why it is so much easier for him to walk away from 'us' as he is a negative person. Maybe I should take page out of his book. Lol :-)

Im thinking staying friends won't work as if or when he dates someone I know I will feel like I've lost him all over again...

You are being falsely hopeful, STOP IT. Do not go on a break, BREAK UP. There is no need to continue trying to work out a relationship with someone who is no longer interested in you.

You are right, being friends would be a pointless disaster.

Yes I will treat it like a break up. I have no choice anyway it is all up to him in the end... should I ignore him if he calls me in 2 weeks.. as he thinks we are on a No contact break?

talaniman your right... even though he said he wants to see me still and do stuff as friends... if things don't work out... it will just hurt me more while he gets stronger... and moves on.
I've still got his stuff and need to give them back... what should I do? I don't want to see him again I think if we break up!

The two week no contact deal really makes things more complicated. I can tell you are still unsure about breaking up... '... if we break up.' you wrote. No one can make the decision for you, unfortunately. And I know about only seeing the positives, but this can also be another way of denying and shutting our eyes to things that are not good for us!
If you do break up, which I still recommend, then it should be a clear cut for both of you. In your case, I think you should meet with him one more time, give him a box of the things that belong to him, put all the issues on the table and say your farewells.

I have to be honest, a break, and a break up is the same thing to me, and that means move on in both cases. That way, there is no false hope of working it out. You cannot force some one to talk to you. And unless they are willing to talk, They won't.

Trying to be friends and broken up usually leads to Friends With Benefits, and if you are hurt now, wait until this arrangement happens.

Disappearing from there life is my answer to the break/break up thing.

So I made it through the day without calling him... It's valentines day Tuesday... so it's going to be absolutely horrible that I'm alone during that day.

Mia, you will also get through Valentine's Day! Keep in mind that this holiday was originally hyped up for sales reasons... that's why it's also called a Hallmark Holiday! By the way, it is still pretty much all about selling cards, flowers, chocolates abd I am sure many more things nowadays!
It's time to love yourself for who you are - might sound pathetic in this moment - if you need to celebrate, then give yourself something that means something, even if it is just a pretty pebble you find when going for a walk, maybe as a symbol of strength. I am sure you will come up with an idea that suits you.

It's so... hard to resist calling today! :-( but I know I got to leave him! I guess the fact he... hasn't called or cared about the fact we aren't doing anything, confirms that he really doesn't care... and isn't coming back. So sad as everyone else I know is in a relationship and is talking about how happy they are... which isn't helping me be strong!

So, let's say you call... hypothetically, of course... what exactly would you talk about? Would he possibly just say the same thing he has said before, which was that he wants to experience other women and that to him the relationship has changed because of the issues that you have dealt with? You know him well enough, that you can put yourself in his shoes - this, of course, so you don't actually call him in reality. This might give you another reason to let gooooooo...
Treat yourself to something nice today. Forget what others are doing!

Change your number, erase his. Sometimes the wanting to call is so much that drastic measures need to be taken.

I deleted it days ago... but after 4 yrs I remember it off by heart. Valentines days is almost over anyway so... I've almost made it through the day. Feeling proud of myself for achieving this!

Yes, you should, and use that motivation to continue doing so. We are proud of you too.

Starting to feel happier today... and I actually managed to laugh! And crack a joke!. instead of feeling crappy all the time.
I'm finding that I have more time to hang out with friends and family which I missed doing because I always enjoyed messing around and having a laugh with them. They help a lot :-)

Glad to hear you're having a good day. *smile*

You say that a bit of self love is key to happiness. So I plan on concentrating on loving myself... without him.
Ive realised that when you are In a relationship you forget to love yourself and you lose who you are as an individual.
I think that, If you don't know how to love yourself first... then you don't know how to love someone else. Also nobody wants to love a person who doesn't love themselves. So yes... working on "me" is the best medicine to moving forward without him. Although I do wish for us to work things out... I am losing hope and I don't think it's healthy to put my life on hold.

Having a bad day... feeling, hurt and angry... how can he just not call or care after 4 .5 yrs!

Wish I could support you more than just through this web-forum... Sorry to hear that you are feeling low today. It's normal, especially after a 4.5 year relationship. Totally understandable. You must grieve your loss to move on.
Keep in mind that he is not contacting you because of the 2 week no contact deal. It's better not to interpret what he might or might not be doing or thinking.

Thank you so... much for your support. Coping would have been a lot harder without it!
I can't help but think that, If I knew that this relationship was going to end up the way it is... I honestly would have never gotten in a relationship with him. I never thought we'd end up like this... and right now I don't think I ever want to be in another relationship again... I don't ever want to get hurt like this again! I'd rather be alone. Lol

That's what having a broken heart feels like, it's painful!

Once you've grieved, you will look back and know you did the right thing. Don't regret your choices, because you can grow stronger from this experience, if you let yourself learn from it.
Make sure you get some of your friends to hug you and pamper you to get you through this.

Sending you a big bear hug through cyber space: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!

Heart, as any muscle... also heals, but it takes a while. Let time pass, concentration on yourself and on your happiness is the absolutely BEST thing you can do.